Alternate Timeline
by Etc Flip
Summary: An alternate Naruto and Kurama are dropped into the "canon" timeline. Aside from ranting on the stupidity of certain things, they begin to cause havoc. Improbable harem. Not a really serious story. R/R. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Welcome to Alternate Timeline, a random time-traveling story. It's not a serious storyline at all. Just an FYI, Naruto will be ridiculous in this. Basically, an alternate Naruto and Kurama enter a cliche main universe.  
**

**_It's obvious what kind of story this is. Beware for copious amounts of swearing since, for all intents and purposes, this is from the perspective of an idiot teenager._  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, bro.**

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Chapter 1: You've Got To Be Kidding Me

A young, blonde boy with whisker-marks on his cheeks groaned as sunlight streamed through his window and onto his face. He tried to sink deeper into his luxurious, plush bed...

Only to have his back poked by a spring. Growling at how he was going to shove the mattress into the manufacturers face, Naruto Uzumaki rose up from his bed, stretching his body.

Then he noticed where he was. Then the musty smell of the room he was in hit his sensitive nose. Finally, he brought his hands to his face and noticed small, child-like fingers. He got up, looking around for a bathroom.

He finally found the damned thing and looked into the mirror.

Naruto almost destroyed his dinky apartment. _Almost_. He was male and therefore, loved to blow things up with various objects, including explosives, jutsu, and more often than not, a Tailed Beast Bomb.

Would that count as overkill?

Naruto growled to himself as he saw his pitiful body. He was a child. _Again_. He was a child, _again_, in some village that he hadn't taken the time to recognize just yet. Naruto closed his eyes and reached inward, feeling the tugging feeling that signified entrance into his mindscape.

The first thing he felt was relief. His mindscape was still in the same state, in that strange sea of shining whiteness. In front of him was the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, Kurama, in all of its glory, snoring softly.

Naruto curbed his desire to scream into the beast's ears. So, he folded his arms and waited for the fox to wake up. He began tapping his feet on the whiteness, willing a clear tapping noise into existence. When the fox refused to wake up, he took drastic measures.

Mainly, yelling like a child. Hey, he actually _is_ a child. At the moment, anyway. "Hey! Kurama! Wake up, you lazy-ass fox!"

There was a deep, reverberating groan as the greatest Biju cracked open one of its eyes. It closed the eye, deciding to ignore its host. Then both of its eyes opened in surprise at seeing a chibified-version of Naruto.

Its maw opened, letting its deep voice echo throughout the all-encompassing void.

"**What the fuck?**"

"I could ask you the same thing!"

"**Why the hell are you so tiny?**"

"Why the hell _am_ I so tiny?"

The fox finally sat up, looking down on its host with no small amount of amusement. What the hell was he wearing? Who the hell wore that kind of clothing to sleep? "**All right, what's happening outside?**"

Obviously, the beast was referring to the real world and not the little slice of Naruto's mind. "We're in some village and we're living in an incredibly shitty apartment."

"**Date?**"

"Hang on..." Naruto vanished for a moment, reappearing shortly after. "From what I can tell, we're enrolled in a shinobi academy if the calendar says anything. If the gigantic-ass monument outside tells me anything, we're in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. How old am I, anyway?"

The beast hummed in thought, scanning the body of its host. "**You're about thirteen. Still in the academy?**"

"Yeah, we're... graduating today. How the hell am I supposed to act? I need more information."

"**Let's go outside. Maybe we can get some info by acting like idiots.**"

"You mean by me acting like an idiot."

"**I know what I meant!**"

Grinning slightly, Naruto left his mind and got dressed. He nearly gagged when he saw the clothing. Orange was a nice color, but he had five sets of this terrible-looking orange track suit. It was loose on his frame, somewhat heavy, and most of all, flashy. What the hell kind of shinobi wore that shit?

Shaking his head, Naruto got dressed and walked outside. You might think that he would be tripping all over himself, but all good shinobi know how to maintain balance. In Naruto Uzumaki's humble opinion, he was a damned great shinobi and as such, could walk without trouble at all, despite the unwieldiness of his shorter body.

He walked throughout the streets, getting some nostalgia at being in the village he was born in. Well, not _this_ particular village, but the village in his own timeline. This one was different than what he remembered, but he hadn't visited his old village in years.

Then he saw a man glaring at him. Hatefully, even. It was a fairly often thing, too. People would glare at him, grit their teeth when he neared, and speak softly behind his back. He nearly frowned, but kept walking. If the words "Demon Brat" were anything to go by, the village likely knew he was a jinchuriki.

"**You know,**" Kurama muttered within his head, "**This is already annoying me. Why does the village know you're a jinchuriki? I thought Jiraiya and Tsunade were insistent that no one knew of that.**"

_It might not like that here,_ Naruto thought, knowing the Kyuubi would hear it, _The adults seem to know who I am. I'm guessing the ANBU stationed nearby for my protection._ Looking up at the sun, Naruto decided to head over to the academy. If the calender was correct, there was a graduation exam today.

His chunin sensei, who he recognized as Iruka Umino, was waiting at the front of the class. Naruto waltzed in, picking a seat near some random student. The student, who he now recognized as a younger version of Kiba Inuzuka, made a snide comment about his grades and how he was going to fail.

Naruto snorted. Blah blah pre-teen bravado, blah blah blah. Naruto leaned his cheek on his fist, ignoring the babbling of the boy near him. From the corner of his eyes, Naruto took great pleasure in watching Kiba's expression turn from bewilderment, to irritation, and to anger.

Before Kiba could yell at the blonde for ignoring him, two girls entered the class, bickering about the seat next to... Sasuke Uchiha.

Naruto almost raised an eyebrow at the fangirl attitudes. Almost. It wasn't like he hadn't been exposed to them before, but he never expected Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka to have such a demeanor.

Sasuke Uchiha was doing a valiant job of ignoring the girls, although the tic-marks on his head were an indication of his irritation.

"I was here first, Ino-pig!"

"No way, Forehead!"

"Sasuke-kun is my true love!"

"Keep on dreaming!"

Naruto watched in rapt fascination as a minor catfight formed over the brooding Uchiha.

"**Holy shit, this is pathetic. What the fuck happened to this village?**" Naruto could only agree and wondered where the actual kunoichi were. This must have been some preliminary genjutsu test. It had to be!

Unfortunately, genjutsu did not really affect Naruto. Not anymore, at least.

"Stop fighting," Naruto said, his voice reeking of authority. The tone caused both kunoichi to stop and stare at the jinchuriki whose head was now propped on his own interlaced fingers.

"Shut up, Naruto-baka! You can't tell us what to do!" Ino seized control of Sakura's distraction and snatched the seat next to Sasuke up. When Sakura noticed this, she growled and pulled up her imaginary sleeves, slowly advancing on the jinchuriki.

Then Iruka's voice rang out, telling everyone to sit down. Sakura still seemed to be pissed, but took a seat next to Ino, patiently waiting for instructions. "I'm glad most of you are here! Today is the day where each of you will take the graduation test. This exam will tell us whether or not you are ready to become genin. I hope you have all studied hard for this. It won't be easy, after all!

"Now, the first exam will be a written test. Please answer all thirty questions within the time limit." Iruka wrote down the time limit on the nearby board before handing the tests out. He told them all to begin.

Naruto immediately recognized the genjutsu on his paper. The Kyuubi mentioned how one of the proctors probably had something against him for obvious reasons. "Hey, Iruka-sensei," Naruto whispered, raising his arm slightly in the air. When Iruka approached and leaned down to Naruto's level, Naruto asked him why a genjutsu was placed on his paper.

Iruka picked up the paper and frowned, casting a glance over at the assistant examiner, Mizuki. The proctor dispelled the genjutsu and handed the paper back to the blonde student.

"**Not going to dispel it yourself?**" Kurama asked. Naruto mentally shook his head, telling his Biju that he wanted to know if Iruka was the one who placed the genjutsu. The glance at Mizuki told him who the real culprit was and Iruka's motions didn't seem to reek of lies.

The Kyuubi jinchuriki blazed through the test, finishing it faster than anyone else in the class. The main reason for that was that he wrote down random answers for most of the questions. Jinchuriki were not allowed to _not_ be a ninja. That would be such a contradiction of the reason they were jinchuriki.

So, even if he failed everything, he would still become a ninja. He was sure of it. If he didn't, then he could just mess around for a while. There wasn't a real reason for him being in the Hidden Leaf anyway.

The timer rang, the exams were collected, and Iruka moved on to the next test, which was accuracy.

Most students had middling accuracy, only enough to pass. Some, such as Sasuke Uchiha, had perfect accuracy. Not that he didn't expect it, but Sasuke's personality was so different than what he was used to. Plus, his cousin and sister weren't in the class either.

When Naruto's turn came up, he lazily flicked the shuriken, scoring a one-hundred percent. All of the throwing stars had been spot-on.

Then the blonde realized that he probably shouldn't have done that if the shocked expressions of his classmates and of his proctors said anything. Shrugging, he accepted Iruka's praise with a smile before rejoining his class. Some of them were eying him strangely.

The next test was the Body Replacement Technique. Naruto was mentally groaning at this, but he complied. There were still questions whose answers he didn't have. This time, he scored perfectly average. Yep, just enough to pass, but not enough to attract attention. Iruka seemed vaguely disappointed, but oh well.

Then there was the Henge, or the Transformation Technique. Students were asked to transform into Iruka.

Naruto completed that without much fuss. Iruka gave him a smile and finished the rest of the examinations.

"All right," Iruka announced, catching the attention of the nervous and excited students, "The final exam will be the Bunshin no Jutu, or the Clone Technique. Make at least three clones of yourself in order to pass."

"**Fuck,**" Kurama muttered in Naruto's head. "**You can't do the Bunshin. Think we have an alternate test due to the size of your reserves?**" Naruto shrugged as he walked into the other room where students were asked to perform the Clone Technique.

There was no alternative. It was either make the clones, or fail.

Naruto failed. Spectacularly, too. Amazing shinobi or not, he couldn't do low-chakra jutsu. It was impossible. There was no point either for him to use the regular jutsu either since he could use the Shadow Clone Technique.

Iruka shook his head at the blonde who looked fearful of his failings. "I'm sorry Naruto, but your scores were not enough to pass you. You FAIL."

Outside, Naruto leaned against a nearby tree, watching the new genin file out with their parents. He could hear mutterings of civilian parents being glad at him not passing.

Wow. He was the village's fucking weapon. He was their damned trump and they treat him like this? What the fuck? Konoha, like Kumo, was supposed to be-

Oh, right. Different timeline. Different Konoha.

His head snapped to the left, sensing a presence. Mizuki appeared, giving him an "extra-credit assignment" that could be used to pass. It involved stealing the Forbidden Scroll.

_What does he take me for,_ Naruto thought, _A fool?_

"**You might have been a fool, given how everyone expected you to fail at accuracy. Or rather, your other self was one.**" Naruto rolled his eyes. Stealing the Forbidden Scroll? What the fuck? How would a genin steal such a thing? It would be impossible, especially considering how tight security would be around that thing.

Still, Mizuki had supplied him with directions and what would happen if he succeeded.

So, later that night, Naruto entered the office of the Hokage and found the scroll. It wasn't even hidden in some secure location! It was sitting on a freaking shelf!

Then he ran into the Hokage who frowned at what Naruto was holding. The Third had been very kind in Naruto's lifetime, even after he had retired. The man eventually died from old age, but he had gone out of his way to make sure Naruto was raised properly and given the correct amount of training.

Given the affectionate suffix the Hokage had added to Naruto's name, he was able to deduce several things.

One, the Hokage maintained a close relationship with Naruto- the other Naruto- in order to foster a sense of loyalty to the village. It was likely he also liked him; the Kyuubi had mentioned Naruto's strange ability to draw people to him several times.

Two, given how he was still Hokage (if the hat said anything), Jiraiya and Tsunade weren't in the village. Jiraiya had picked up the hat after securing his spy network and Tsunade had remained within Konoha to raise her own family. Her son and daughter were very nice to Naruto when he was younger. Her brother and son had helped him control his jinchuriki powers when they had awakened their kekkei genkei.

Three, he was still a pervert. The book hanging out of his pocket kind of proved it.

Naruto used his own unique Transformation Technique (seriously, it was ridiculously powerful) and caused the man to collapse in a nosebleed.

What kind of Hokage did that? Granted, the situation wasn't really serious. Well, not to Naruto anyway.

So Naruto headed off into the forest and once he found a clearing, he opened the scroll and looked through it.

"**You already know all of these,**" Kurama informed.

"I was hoping that there would be other techniques, but it seems like there's a lack of techniques in here. It's missing a lot of stuff..."

"**More differences,**" Kurama rumbled. Naruto shrugged and waited for Mizuki to confront him.

He wasn't surprised when Iruka popped up and admonished him. Naruto played dumb, causing Iruka to raise his guard.

Then Mizuki appeared with a large Fuuma Shuriken in his hand, laughing maniacally. Oh, and then he broke the Third's Law, according to Iruka.

So Iruka stood on a tree branch, waiting for Naruto's breakdown. He didn't expect Naruto to facepalm. "Wow, how are you chunin? I thought that chunin had to have some sort of IQ before they were promoted. You're a damned idiot."

"What! You demon! I'll kill you!" Mizuki chucked his shuriken. Iruka was about to dive to intercept, but he noticed Naruto going through the Replacement Technique hand-seals. The shuriken sliced and diced a log and Naruto appeared behind Mizuki, grinning viciously. Mizuki laughed, stabbed the boy, and then exploded.

The top half of the tree was destroyed and the charred body of Mizuki fell to the ground. Naruto appeared behind a tree and made a show of appearing weak and broken. You know, the stuff a thirteen-year-old would feel and not an elite shinobi stuck in a thirteen-year-old's body.

This led to a visit with the Hokage, who assured Naruto everything was all right. Iruka gave his headband to the boy and treated him to ramen.

Oh boy, ramen. Something that Naruto never, ever grew tired of. Hell, even his Biju loved ramen. What a damned coincidence.

Naruto finally entered his apartment, feeling annoyed from the events of the day. "How strong are the coils of this body?" Naruto absentmindedly asked.

"**Already strengthening them. We can't go full-Biju for long, but we could probably last five or so minutes. As time goes by, it'll go longer.**"

Naruto nodded and jumped into his bed, falling asleep shortly after.

**VvVvV**

=Academy, Several Days After=

After he had received his headband, Naruto had immediately gone to the library. The librarian tried to boot him out, but Naruto ignored her shrieking and entered anyway. It wasn't like she could do anything, either.

He had read up on the history regarding this timeline. Madara was able to control the Kyuubi, the Fourth had died (again), the Uzumaki Clan was gone (that was surprising) in addition to the Uchiha Clan (that massacre confused the hell out of him), and some other things he made a note of.

Naruto and Kurama were mentally discussing those events when Kiba made another brash remark about how he had failed and shouldn't be in the class. It was only for the "elite" genin that had passed. Naruto merely tapped his forehead protector, causing Kiba to comically drop his mouth in shock.

"**You feel that? There's shock, but there's also happiness in this room. Guess who it's from?**"

_Probably Hinata. She's much more... timid than before. I liked her other personality better._

Then Ino and Sakura walked in, arguing yet again about their seat. This time, Naruto zoned out, ignoring the bickering between the two.

Seriously, they should have been acting their age. Ninja headbands meant that they were legally adults and adults weren't supposed to bicker. Maybe shinobi would go for kills, but not bicker. Bickering was boring.

This time, Sakura got the seat and gave Ino a smug smirk. Iruka walked in and began his boring lecture on shinobi careers before assigning the teams.

Several teams were different due to the lack of student composition. Naruto ended up being slapped into a team with Sakura Haruno and Sasuke Uchiha. Their sensei was Kakashi Hatake.

_Feels like politics. Two Sharingan users in a team with a jinchuriki?_ The Kyuubi agreed.

Then they all played the waiting game. For his part, Naruto was flabbergasted. He guessed this was another discrepancy since the Kakashi of his time was always _on_ time. Obito Uchiha... never on time.

Annoying prick.

After a while, Kakashi finally showed up. Naruto didn't let his irritation show, but his teammates were both incredibly annoyed.

So then they all met at the top of the academy. All of them sat down and Kakashi did his classic coolio introduction. All three genin, including Naruto, sweat-dropped. Then Kakashi pointed to Naruto.

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like many things, but your tardiness isn't one of them." Kakashi gave him a deadpan look. "I don't like people who annoy me. I don't have a hobby at this moment. I am seriously reconsidering the dream I used to have."

Nope, no reaction. Then came Sasuke's "bad-ass" introduction, which caused Sakura to hyper-fixate on him. Then she introduced herself, causing Naruto to loudly groan.

"Is there a problem?" Kakashi asked.

This is what Naruto wanted to say: "No, nothing at all. Except for maybe the fact that she's a fucking stupid fangirl in a world of death."

What he really said was: "No, I'm fine. I'm just itching for our first mission."

Kakashi handed them pieces of paper, which Naruto instantly recognized as the beginnings of the bell test. Don't eat breakfast or you might throw up, all of that fancy jazz.

Naruto ignored everything the paper said and simply ate breakfast before appearing at the designated training field. He was also two hours late, too. Shortly after he arrived, Kakashi appeared to stare blankly at a fuming Sakura and an irritated Sasuke.

He set up the bell test stuff, explained the rules, and said "You won't advance to genin if you don't come at me with the intent to kill."

Sakura and Sasuke tensed, but Naruto burst out laughing. When Kakashi asked him what was funny, Naruto responded with a wide grin and said, "We're three fresh genin. We can't possibly defeat jounin. In fact, anything we do is paramount to failure because of how strong you probably are. The only way to have a chance in hell of defeating you would be for us to launch a series of coordinated attacks."

"**Do you hear that? That's the sound of lightbulbs going off in your teammate's heads.**" Ding. Or ping.

Naruto backed up to his team, ushering them close. They were reluctant, but he convinced them to work together. Sakura was doing it for Sasuke, but Sasuke was doing it to become stronger.

Naruto just wanted to get through this. He wanted to see the status of the other nations. Maybe he should just ditch or something...

Nah. He'd wait until Kurama finished the changes.

So, with a shoddy plan and a bunch of clones, Team 7 failed to get a bell. Naruto couldn't get it without showing off a skill level that he wasn't supposed to have. Still, Kakashi passed them once Naruto let his teammates have the food.

Naruto smirked to himself. Finally, time for some D-ranks. He needed money for ramen, anyway.

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**Again, not a serious story. It's just me wanting to try out a super-Naruto story. Yes, I know there's metric tons of them on the internets, but most of them are always "Naruto is darker and has all of these cool powers from the Kyuubi oh and he falls in love with Hinata at age twelve".**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Next chapter. More random stuff. Wave Arc now!**

**This fic is meant to be a joke. Don't expect deep storytelling.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

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Chapter Two: Monologues in Wave

Naruto stroked the ninja cat that was purring in his hands. Tora was probably a pain in the ass to catch, if the scratches lacing Sakura's arms were anything to note.

Sasuke didn't even do anything and Kakashi was reading porn. Even in this timeline Naruto's perverted godfather wrote porn!

Finally, they entered the mission room, where Sakura began to yell about how they had been doing nothing but D-ranks since they became a team.

"Hey, that's not true," Naruto interjected. "You've been trying and failing to get a date out of Sasuke. That's been taking quite some time."

Naruto carelessly avoided the incredibly poor taijutsu attacks Sakura launched at him. Why was she angry at him? He was telling the truth!

After some huffing and puffing, Sakura demanded that they get a C-rank. Sasuke quietly agreed and Naruto just shrugged. Why wouldn't he shrug? It wasn't like he gave a damn what mission he would get.

Then the old drunk came out and made some crack about Sakura's expression. Naruto recognized the man as Tazuna, but he was confused as to why the man was in Konoha. They weren't hiring him for any construction projects. At least, none that were explicitly noticeable.

Anyway, their new mission became an escort to the Land of Waves. Oh boy, escort missions. What a way to prove your shinobi-ness.

They all met at the gate and left. Naruto picked up the subtle nuances from the carpenter that revealed nervousness.

Then the puddle showed up. On a hot, sunny day. They had passed the river some time ago, too...

Well, it was a good psychological throw-off. Naruto could give the two Kiri-nin that.

They all walked forward and the enemy ninja popped up with these claws and chains that were probably poisoned. Kakashi got torn apart, Sakura screamed, Sasuke leapt into action.

Naruto observed. He elevated Sasuke's skill level. The last remaining loyal Uchiha was obviously much more skilled than he let on. The academy must have sucked for his level.

Then one of the Kiri ninja attempted to stab him. Kurama laughed at how slow the guy was moving. Naruto slapped the hand away and delivered a quick one-two punch to his gut, causing the man to double-over.

Sasuke had dispatched his foe and Naruto had stopped his. Kakashi walked in, dramatic entrance and all, and began to lecture them.

The carpenter was lying, but they still had a mission to do.

So while they were being transported across the sea, Tazuna gave them this sad little story about his grandson and Konoha ninja.

Naruto sort of zoned out until the man was done.

"Well, what do you guys think?"

Sakura seemed unsure. Sasuke didn't seem to have any inclination towards either side. It was Naruto's "why the fuck not" the convinced them all to keep moving. After, of course, Kakashi chided him on swearing.

Naruto responded by saying that he was legally an adult and so would swear whenever he wanted to. Kakashi rolled his eyes and returned to his vigilant post as watchman.

They reached the shore and the man rowing the boat left, trying to get some distance just in case Gato's men were in the area.

Naruto had absolutely no idea who Gato was. The Land of Waves was extremely prosperous from where he came from due to protection from the Land of Whirlpools. He guessed the clan's destruction meant that Wave was susceptible to tyrannies such as the one Tazuna had described.

Eh, he'd kill Gato while he was there. Why not.

Naruto's eyes slightly narrowed as he felt two chakra signatures nearby. One was extremely familiar to Zabuza Momochi, while the other was completely unrecognizeable.

Then came the super special sword flying through the air. Sasuke and Sakura, along with Kakashi and Tazuna, all hit the deck. Naruto let the thing fly over his head. If he was a short shinobi, he'd take advantage of that.

"Huh, looks like I missed. I guess you brats are lucky after all." Zabuza Momochi, in all of his masculine glory-

_Shut the fuck up._ Kurama smirked to itself and removed itself from Naruto's thoughts.

Anyway, Zabuza was standing on his large-ass sword, which was embedded in a thick tree. To be frank, he looked like a total badass.

Kakashi told them to assume positions near Tazuna and unveiled his super-awesome Sharingan eye.

Sasuke was stunned. He was only thirteen (or maybe twelve), he didn't know about magical procedures that implanted super-eyes into eye sockets.

Then Zabuza used the Hidden Mist jutsu, killing intent and creepy monologue included.

"You know," Naruto said absentmindedly, stopping Zabuza's creepy speech, "If you really were the 'Demon in the Mist' or whatever, you would stop this manic dialogue and kill us. Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?"

His teammates, sensei, and even the bridge builder looked at him in shock. "What?" Naruto said dumbly.

Again, Zabuza's voice echoed throughout the area. "Not a bad idea kid. I think I'll go with you first!"

And then a Water Clone of Zabuza appeared, swinging his blade. Kakashi stopped it and slammed the kunai into Zabuza's shoulder, turning the clone back into standing water.

Cue additional damned monologue about Kakashi's Sharingan. Naruto was getting annoyed. _Seriously, this is kind of boring. Did any villains back in our time do this?_

"**Nagato, Sasori... I think Orochimaru did it too, but with him it's so hard to tell.**"

_I know, right? He flirts with every child ever. Seriously, it's creepy._

"**The whole 'want your body' thing doesn't help either.**"

Naruto nodded and returned his attnetion to the fight, watching as Kakashi was trapped in a Water Prison technique. "Ha, you're powerless to me now, Sharingan Kakashi. I think I'll take my sweet time killing your students."

Then he created a Water Clone which rose out of the water and began to walk, very slowly, towards Naruto and his team. Oh yeah, the carpenter too. Can't forget about him.

"**Do something. Your team is scared shitless.**"

So Naruto created a bunch of solid clones and mobbed the Zabuza-clone. All of his clones were destroyed, except for one that threw a Fuuma Shuriken at Sasuke. The Uchiha boy realized what was going on and threw the thing high in the air.

Zabuza watched as the shuriken turned into Naruto, who fell straight down and onto Zabuza's raised sword.

Sakura screamed. Kakashi gaped. Naruto exploded- literally.

Zabuza was blasted back, Kakashi was freed, and the real Naruto appeared next to Sasuke, smirking slightly. "I fucking love the Great Clone Explosion."

An enraged Zabuza fought Kakashi, lost, and got picked off by a hunter-nin who was really Haku. Right before Haku was about to leave, Naruto let a very important piece of information slip.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to cut his head off?"

The hunter-nin hesitated ever so slightly. "I am sorry, but I do not know any fire jutsu and the body is very important to my village. I do not trust you Konoha shinobi, either."

"Huh. Prepared for everything, eh?" The hunter-nin shrugged and grabbed the 'dead' body before Body Flickering away.

Kakashi collapsed and then Naruto spent his time dragging the nearly unconscious man to Tazuna's home.

**VvVvV**

=Tazuna's Home=

Naruto eyed Tsunami appreciatively. The woman could cook, clean, and wasn't that bad on the eyes. Of course, the blonde was interested in more than a housewife. He liked women who were strong, independent, and had a very good chance of kicking his ass.

He totally wasn't a masochist.

Kakashi had started them off on some idiotic tree-climbing exercise that he and Sakura got immediately, leaving Sasuke to stew.

When Sasuke appeared in the kitchen, all beat-up from the exercise, Naruto had to smirk. Why not? Brooding was boring. And lame. And, unfortunately, attracted fangirls.

"Finally got it? You could've just asked."

Naruto got a snort in response. Shrugging, Naruto turned to his meal.

Then Inari entered and asked why they all fought. Gato was invincible, too good for shinobi, etc. Never mind the fact that he's a short, ordinary man. No! He must be invincible since he's able to oppress an entire country that has no standing militia or shinobi force.

Well, that's impressive.

In order to change Inari's perspective, Naruto began to recount how many ways shinobi could kill each other.

He was on number thirty-seven when Kakashi ordered him to stop. Everyone's face was rather green. Naruto snickered and rubbed the back of his head before leaving.

He didn't really want to find out if anyone spilled their dinner onto the floor.

So he went into the forest, chatting with Kurama all the way, until he found a secluded clearing. He slumped down against a tree, taking some time to relax.

He saw a girl in a rather pretty kimono enter the clearing. She eyed him for a moment. "What are you doing so deep in the forest?" she asked in a musically soft voice.

"Relaxing," he said. "I'm kind of tired from training."

"Oh? You're a shinobi? Which village are you from?"

"The Village Hidden in the Leaves."

"Do you have a dream?"

"I don't know. I used to, but my world has kind of been turned upside-down."

The girl paused, examining the boy as he raised himself into a standing position and began to stretch. "Do you have anyone you fight for?"

Naruto paused to consider his answers. He couldn't say "a furball stuck in my gut" because that sounded silly. Really, really silly.

"I fight for a furball stuck in my gut," was his eloquent response. The girl gave him an odd look for a moment. "Oh, right. You might not understand anything. Shinobi matters are kind of ambiguous sometimes. Civilians such as yourself might not understand it all."

"I see. Why would you protect that 'furball in your gut', as you called it?"

Naruto shrugged. "It's been with me for my entire life. Why wouldn't I? If I go it goes and its helped me a lot throughout my life."

"Ah. Well, I believe that people are strongest when they are fighting to protect someone who is precious to them. I'm guessing that furball is precious to you?"

"Yep. Very precious."

He heard the Kyuubi's snort echo in his head.

The girl smiled and began to pick up herbs that were littered throughout the clearing. "Who are you picking herbs for?"

"Someone precious to me," was her reply.

"**This is getting really cheesy. And repetitive. Yes, yes, we get it. Fight for someone you love and you become stronger. All animals do that.**"

_Except for the 'love' thing. Love is the most fickle emotion of them all._

"**I realize that.**"

"Whoever is precious to you must be lucky to have such an attractive girl looking after them. What is your name? Mine is Naruto Uzumaki."

"My name is Haku," she said, finishing up her task. She gave the blonde a radiant smile and turned to leave. "Oh, and by the way... I'm a guy."

"Bullshit," was Naruto's immediate reply. She looked at him for a moment before raising a demure eyebrow. "The furball in my gut can smell your pheromones. You are most definitely female."

"Care to prove that?" she responded.

Naruto chuckled in reply. "I'm not that kind of guy. Besides, it's cool if you're pretending to be male. Gato's henchman are running around and I suspect it would be dangerous for a female to be out on her own.

"Even if she is a ninja."

Haku's eyes widened and she jumped back, entering a battle stance just in case the Konoha ninja decided to attack her.

Instead, he shook his head. "I'm not going to attack you. I don't know who you are aside from your name." She relaxed her stance. "Besides, you should be careful. There's a strong missing-nin in the area."

Haku nodded carefully before turning to leave. The wide, charming smile Naruto had on almost caused her to blush. _Almost_. "Nice to meet you, Haku-chan. I hope we can meet again someday."

Then they left towards their own destinations. Haku went back to Zabuza and Naruto returned to Tazuna's home to crash.

The following day, they all (bar Naruto, who was sleeping for some reason) went to the bridge, only to find most of the workers dead. They had long since figured out that the hunter-nin was rogue, so Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke prepared to fight.

Sakura was stuck watching Tazuna again while Kakashi faced off with Zabuza. Sasuke was able to match the speed of Haku before she used her Demonic Mirroring Ice Crystals to begin peppering the Uchiha with senbon.

Naruto walked through the gaps in-between the mirrors at a casual place, having stopped the bandits from roughing Tsunami up. He helped Inari, too.

From her position within the mirrors, Haku watched Naruto nonchalantly walk into her environment. Then he made a jab at Sasuke, which caused the Uchiha to shout at him.

"Look, all I'm saying is that this is _ice_. Shouldn't you, I don't know, melt it or something?"

You couldn't melt the ice. The temperature was maintained by chakra, which was why it was so damn sturdy. Naruto turned his attention to the hunter-nin. "Huh, I didn't think a member of the Yuki Clan would go rogue. Wait, different Kirigakure."

Haku was surprised the blonde knew of her destroyed clan, but the way he speak of Kiri was strange.

Anyway, Naruto created clones which let themselves get dispelled by needles. Eventually, Sasuke awakened his Sharingan and got knocked out by Haku.

"I'm sorry to have killed your friend. Please surrender. I don't want to do the same to you."

Naruto's response was to snort. "Really? I was waiting for you to knock him out, Haku-chan. My sensei and female teammate won't really notice this, but I'm going to beat you into submission. And then afterward, I can take you out to dinner as an apology."

Each reflection clearly showed Haku palming her mask. Why was he attempting to flirt with her in a battle? The girl sighed, readying another batch of senbon.

When she threw them this time, blonde vanished. No after-image, no blur, nothing. And then her mirror shattered, releasing her awe-struck body and causing the rest of the jutsu to fall apart.

"You know," Naruto said, dusting himself off, "That was picture-perfect. I think I'd give Zabuza a run for his money."

Haku rose to her feet, checking herself for any injuries. "How did you end my jutsu? You're even faster than I am..."

Naruto shrugged. "I'm a jinchuriki. I was created simply to be a tool, a weapon. I'm the Leaf's trump, but they don't treat as such. They treat me as a monster. Honestly, I don't care. The people who matter won't mind at all."

Finding a parallel to the boy, Haku went through her own monologue. Heart-wrenching, sad, and then heart-warming as the demon known as Zabuza Momochi picked her up and raised her as her own. It really gave the man a different light.

Or maybe that was Kakashi's Lightning Cutter in the distance. Haku cast a glance at Naruto, but the blonde clapped his hands together and exhaled, launching a whirlwind that stopped _everything_.

It also revealed Gato and the hundred mercenaries waiting for Zabuza to finish up. Gato explained what he was going to do, which ended up in most of the mercenaries and Gato dying from Zabuza's frenzied vengeance.

Oh yeah, Kakashi helped.

In the end, they were all at Tsunami's house. Sasuke was happy to have awakened his Sharingan, Sakura was happy the mission went well, Kakashi was happy his students were still alive, and Haku was happy Zabuza was still alive.

No one knew, bar Haku, about Naruto's overwhelming power.

The night before Team 7 was supposed to leave, Haku grabbed Naruto and dragged him into the clearing where they had originally met.

The scene was really beautiful. Moonlight, cute girl, charming boy. Ignore the age difference and the fact that any intimate action between the two would have the elders frowning.

No, they didn't have sex. Naruto's a bit too "young" for that. Well, his body is. Besides, they only really just met. Get over yourselves.

"Tell me why you thought a Yuki would stay loyal to Kirigakure."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head, internally groaning at Kurama's admonishments. "Would you believe I'm from an alternate timeline in which Kirigakure didn't get their 'Bloody Mist' moniker?"

Haku gave him a deadpan look. "Right. It was a good try. It's true, you know. Anyway, I was simply misinformed. I was taught to be loyal to my village, after all. Kekkei genkei are useful."

"Aside from common sense, how would you know that?"

Naruto shrugged and then made a hand-seal. "Does the surname Uzumaki remind you of anything? A past clan situated near Kiri, maybe?"

Haku watched, transfixed as water was drawn from the moisture in the cool, night air. It coalesced around his hands, forming ice shards. With a flick of his wrist, the shards of ice flew from his hand to a nearby tree.

"**You know, that kind of seems overpowered.**"

_I'm from the future. This body's had the damn bloodline for a while and I've only now been able to awaken it. God knows how long the idiot who used to reside in here would take._

"You know, that somehow strikes me as incredibly overpowered."

"Are you sure you and the furball aren't in cohorts, Haku-chan?" The girl giggled, giving him a smile.

They talked for a little while before returning to Tsunami's house. Zabuza gave him an odd look, but Kakashi threw a discrete thumbs up.

All of the shinobi got to know each other better over the next few days. The bridge was built and they all left.

Much to Kurama's amusement, the bridge was named "The Great Naruto Bridge".

Zabuza and Haku left Team 7 at a crossroads, both determined to find more resources and recruits for the fight against their tainted Mizukage.

Before they left, Haku gave Naruto a kiss on the cheek and a wink. Naruto gave her his own foxy smile and high-tailed it out of there before no-brows Zabuza decided to decapitate him.

Kakashi chuckled to himself, muttering about how his cute little genin was a heartbreaker to enemy kunoichi.

Sakura was flabbergasted. Sasuke was smirking.

Sasuke was a guy. Of course he was smirking; he was subtly congratulating his male comrade in his dealings with a female. Broody or not, Sasuke was a male teenager.

Naruto found the rebellion in Kiri to be strange. Yagura was a level-headed man. He realized the power and value of bloodline users, as well as how to run a village based off of sea trade. It was he who had turned Kirigakure into a force to be reckoned with.

In this world, Yagura's actions were completely different and made no sense at all. Most shinobi weren't complete idiots- or so Naruto hoped. They weren't in _his_ timeline, but it was hard to tell in this particular one.

Maybe he'd pay Haku a visit once she got near Kiri.

It was why he had given her a scroll containing a Hiraishin seal.

* * *

**Hey look, here's Wave in three-thousand words, complete with butchered storyline and character development.**

**Oh look, Haku is female and miraculously survives. Haven't seen that one before, have we?**

**Oh look, Naruto has a magical bloodline. Haven't seen that one before, have we?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is a bit more... detailed? The chunin exams are fun to mess with. Well, fun to make fun of.**

**Anyway, rate and review.**

* * *

Chapter Three: Pedophile Hickies

Naruto was walking along to the academy, where the chunin exam would take place. Their sensei had, for some unbelievable reason, given his team the forms on the date of the exam.

It was like Kakashi was trying to force them to participate, which left Naruto feeling cheated. The damn fool hadn't even taught them anything but tree walking and Naruto had mastered that when he was five!

Well, in his old world he had. This world just seemed to be pathetic. Damned cyclops ninja.

The blonde heard some shouts and walked ahead, seeing some dude in a kabuki suit holding up the Hokage's grandson and threatening him. "You know," Naruto said, surprising everyone with his presence, "Threatening the Hokage's grandson could possibly lead to war between the Hidden Leaf and the Hidden Sand."

The kabuki dude with makeup wisely dropped Konohamaru. "Besides, we're much better than you fools. How are you still part of Five Great Hidden Villages?"

The kabuki dude growled. "I'll get you for insulting my home! Karasu will deal with you nicely!"

The blonde girl behind him scolded him for his rashness and Naruto wondered where the hell the ANBU were. Seriously, what the hell? Threatening the Hokage's grandson wasn't considered serious?

Naruto then noticed Sasuke pop up in a nearby tree. He also noticed the Sand girl slightly blush at his presence. _Good god, not another fangirl. Please, not another fangirl._

Then Naruto noticed something... interesting.

Namely Gaara, which translates to "oh look, another jinchuriki only this one's insane".

Sasuke's eyes widened at Gaara sneaking up on him. The Sand jinchuriki did the whole "shut up or I'll kill you" thing, a catchphrase which was totally stolen by the Fifth Mizukage.

As Gaara jumped down, Naruto looked him over closely.

Then he said something that caused all three Sand genin to stop in their tracks as they turned to leave. Yes, he said it before Sasuke asked for Gaara's name.

"The kabuki guy is wearing makeup, the fan-girl is quite possibly a fangirl, and- Gaara, was it? Yeah, Gaara- is spewing out killing intent like it's going out of fashion. People would stop going on guard if you turned it off, dumbass."

Interestingly enough, Kankuro's face went from angry to ashen, as did Temari's. Gaara merely turned to him. "What is your name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, the best ninja ever. And don't even laugh at me since it's true. I could beat everyone here without breaking a sweat."

"I am Gaara of the Sand. My siblings are Kankuro and Temari. I will enjoy killing you, Naruto Uzumaki."

"Yeah? Tell Shukaku that he, she, or whatever gender it chooses can kiss my ass."

This had Kankuro and Temari gape at the blonde. Naruto gave them all a charming smile and walked ahead, inviting Sasuke and Sakura to follow, who were both also gaping at the blonde boy.

"**He's insane.**"

_I know. That was the point._

Then they reached the chunin exam room. You know, the place that had a genjutsu over it. Yep, Sasuke decided to spill the secret to everyone. "Are you an idiot?"

"What are you talking about, dobe?"

"You fucking realize that every half-assed team is going to be admitted to the first part of the exam now, right?"

Sasuke stared at him for a few moments before swearing loudly. Satisfied, Naruto went forward to move through the dumb chunin guarding the door when Lee popped up, confessed how attractive Sakura was, and asked Sasuke to challenge him.

Sasuke lost.

Naruto laughed and said "I told you so, dumbass".

After some shenanigans, Team 7 entered the first exam area with Kakashi's blessing. Naruto scanned the crowd of genin and groaned. "What the fuck? These are genin? Good god, all of you look like shit! I could fucking beat everyone here without even trying!"

"Shut up, Naruto-baka!" Sakura hissed. "People are glaring at us!"

"Yeah? Is that a challenge? If anyone wants to get their ass kicked, I'll deliver the boot."

"**That was horrible.**"

Naruto paused for a moment, looking at everyone. "God damn, there isn't even anyone attractive in here! Come on, aren't the chunin exams supposed to have a diversity of people? It feels like a damned sausage-fest."

Kiba burst out laughing. Ino glomped on Sasuke, Sakura got pissed off at her, and then Kabuto confronted them, telling the Rookie 9 (or 12?) how they should calm down. They were rookies and people were pissed off at them for no conceivable reason except for the fact that their pride was wounded. You're a ninja, who cares about pride?

Naruto nearly snarled. Kabuto was _incredibly_ annoying. The man was a fucking insect. He never died no matter how much you threw at him. He always came scuttling back with something new to annoy you with.

He was tempted to remove Kabuto now, but he had to find out what his plan was.

Anyway, Kabuto showed these cards off and some stupid explanation about how failing the chunin exams six times in his life somehow gave him information on _this_ years participants. He was charming and had an easy-going personality, letting many people lower their guard immediately.

Naruto was not most people, but when Kiba asked for info on him, he drew the line. Naruto 'accidentally' had Kabuto lose the card. How?

He snatched it from Kabuto's hand and tore it up. "Too slow, bastard."

Then Kabuto made a quirk about Sound, which caused the Sound-nin to rush him.

Ibiki then appeared, deciding to take the reins and start the exam.

Naruto looked around. Hinata was next to him and some other people were gripping their test in shock. He supposed that, to genin and some chunin, the test would be ridiculously difficult, but not him.

What made him confused was the fact that the exam had a paper test. Seriously? If genin and chunin weren't liable to know this, the-

_Oh_, he thought.

"**I was wondering when you'd get it.**"

_Oh..._

Naruto added bullshit to his answers and then drew a gigantic penis on the back of the test. Naruto thought that if he was stuck in an immature body, he had permission to act immature. Not that he didn't already.

Personally, he (and probably Kurama) wanted the body to hurry up and grow so he could stop looking like such a brat.

That and another, more physical reason.

"Teams blah, blah, and blah, you fail." That wording kept popping up as more and more teams were eliminated. Finally, time ran out.

"Are you ready for the tenth question?" Ibiki asked. Then he did his little speech, causing people to shout in outrage.

Naruto took a quick look around and saw that several people were about to pussy out.

Wimps.

"Good god, is that the best you can do?" Naruto said. "The chunin exams are exercises in politics, dumbasses. Attempting to strike past the restrictions set forth by the other nations would result in war. You can't keep a genin of another nation a genin. It's not possible. Even then, if you could, they could probably get promoted on the field. Man the hell up, you wusses."

Ibiki glared at him. "You want to push the issue, punk?"

"Umm... yes? Yeah, I think I do, scarface."

After a few, tense moments, Ibiki smirked at him. "Kid, you've got a pair down there. As for the question... everyone passes!"

Everyone stared. So Naruto took it upon himself to explain the situation with a gratuitous amount of swearing.

Then Anko popped in. She was about to make her introduction, but Naruto beat her to the punch. Well, kind of.

"THANK GOD, A WOMAN WITH A BODY."

Anko turned to the blonde. "Ibiki, who's this brat?"

Ibiki shuffled through some papers before responding, "Naruto Uzumaki."

"Ah..." Then she threw a kunai at his cheek. No normal genin would be able to catch it, but Naruto snatched it out of the air, twirling it by its ring.

"Nice try, trench coat. I'm a step above these genin."

Anko smirked. "I like you, brat. You get a front row seat. Follow me, to Training Field Forty-Four! I don't care if that doesn't rhyme!"

She grabbed Naruto and vanished in a Body Flicker. Sasuke and Sakura stared.

They had been doing that fairly often lately. Everyone had, actually.

**VvVvV**

At the Forest of Death, Anko explained the second exam. "Yup. This is the combat portion of the exam. Have fun, but you need to sign these waivers so I don't get flack for any one of you being killed."

"K-killed?" Sakura stuttered.

"Yeah, pinky. You can get killed. You're a kunoichi, grow up."

Sakura appeared flustered, but quieted down. Anko handed the waivers out, got the signatures, and then handed out the scrolls. Each team went to their own special gate and waited until Anko screamed "sexy-time with Naru-chan" to start.

Once Team 7 ran through the gate, Sakura turned to Naruto and asked, "Did she really just say that?"

"God, I hope not. I tend to last much longer than that." Sakura's face turned beet red. Naruto smirked but held out a hand. "Hang on, I'm going to take a piss."

Sakura growled at his crude language, but did no more as he went out of sight. Once he was out of sight, he finished his business. A Rain genin attacked him, or tried to, right after.

Sasuke and Sakura both flinched at the loud, womanly scream the pierced the still air. Naruto came out from the brush, swinging a kunai by its ring while whistling casually. "What? Someone tried to attack me, I removed them."

Sasuke shrugged, but Sakura gulped. "I-Is the genin... all right?"

"I hope not, else he'd be a freak. I don't think people recover from having their chest cavity removed."

Sakura appeared green after he said that, but Naruto snickered. Then they all kept moving onward and leapt onto a tree to do so.

A great wind then threatened to tear Naruto apart from his team, but he split the winds in half. A sickeningly familiar chuckle floated to his ears. Sasuke and Sakura tensed, preparing to fight whoever came to them.

Naruto frowned. Akatsuki? Here? He didn't really want to reveal his powers, but Orochimaru was incredibly annoying to kill. Fucking snake regeneration bullshit. Fucking Edo Tensei reanimation!

And Naruto thought _he_ was overpowered. Anyway, might as well try his luck.

"Ku ku ku... my, you must be more skilled than I thought to avoid my jutsu. Maybe my snake will enjoy chewing on you." Orochimaru summoned a giant snake and with his killing intent, caused Sasuke and Sakura to become paralyzed.

"Snake's can't chew, Orochimaru." Anyone could tell it was Orochimaru. Creepy giggling and all. Snakes, etc. He just didn't have that incredibly tacky Akatsuki coat.

Which meant he wasn't in Akatsuki. Nagato was really anal about that kind of thing. "Why are you here?"

"Ku ku ku... insects need to learn their place..." He sent the snake at Naruto while he dealt with Sasuke and Sakura.

Naruto frowned as the giant snake approached, hissing angrily. Channeling chakra to his legs, Naruto jumped way above the thing, surprising it. Then he thrust his hands forward in a knife-strike, sending out an incredibly powerful blade of wind that cut the snake's face into thirds.

When Naruto turned back to Orochimaru, Sasuke was fighting him. And losing. Badly, too. That's to be expected though. S-rank vs. random genin? Yep.

Sasuke spit out fireballs that had shuriken hidden within them, along with ninja wire. Orochimaru was caught, but when the rest of the flames hit him, he turned into a mud clone.

When Orochimaru reemerged, he was somewhat surprised to see the blonde genin appear in front of him and began jabbing. 'Jabbing' wouldn't be the term for it, though. It was more like rapid-fire punches capable of shattering tree bark.

Orochimaru was stunned to see the genin attacking so fast. Despite Orochimaru's ranking, he was actually unable to strike back. What was worse was that the genin was picking up speed. His punches were becoming _faster_. Eventually, one attack did clip him, but Orochimaru performed a seal-less Body Replacement.

The log's explosion engulfed Naruto, but Orochimaru was again surprised at the unharmed blonde, who had an irritated expression on his face. "Taijutsu isn't that fun against you. Can you piss off, or is there something you want?"

Orochimaru stepped towards Sasuke, bit him on the neck, and started laughing. "I simply want to let you know that Sasuke-kun will come to me for power..."

Then he melted into the tree. Naruto wasn't fast enough to stop him."Fucking S-class missing-nin in a chunin exam. Just my luck."

No one remembered Naruto's attacks against the snake. It's a plot hole, so deal with it.

Sakura was examining Sasuke, who was now screaming. Loudly, too. Naruto walked over to him, his eyes going over the mark on Sasuke's neck. "Stop being a cunt, you fool. You got a hickey from an old man, I get it. It's weird, creepy, and gives you strange desires."

Silence.

"Well, it gives _him_ strange desires." Come on, you have to bash Sasuke and the cursed hickey at least once per story.

Naruto picked the now-unconscious Sasuke and then dragged him to some cave while Sakura set traps up.

When she returned, she noticed that there was the word 'FUCK' written on Sasuke's face. "Naruto, this is no time for games!" she whispered. Naruto shrugged. There was always times for games. Why do you think procrastinating is so much fun?

Then, twangs and curses were heard. Guess what happens next?

Naruto and Sakura ran outside to see what was going on. The Sound ninja known as Zaku (go look up a picture, I'm not thoroughly describing that idiot) walked up and said, "We're here for the Uchiha."

"You can't have him!" Sakura screamed.

"Too bad. You can't stop me, you pathetic Leaf ninja." As Zaku said this, his teammates (who will not be described either), Dosu and Kin, dropped down.

"Well, maybe that girl could stop _me_," Naruto muttered. He snickered as Sakura gave him an incredulous look.

"**You know, let's make this shameless flirting of yours a game.**"

"Oh? Try me." Everyone in the clearing gave Naruto an odd look since he was apparently talking to himself.

Team Ten was watching the ordeal from a hiding spot. "Shika, we've got to help them! Forehead and Naruto are in trouble!"

"...Troublesome."

"I know, right? Come on!"

Team Ten ran in, using Chouji's rolling tank move to help clear them away. When they were split up, Lee Rock (Rock Lee sounds better) came in and tried to use his Shadow of the Dancing Leaf and Front Lotus on Dosu, but Zaku stopped that.

Sakura was being held by Kin after Ino had stopped using her Mind Body Switch Jutsu.

"**How many women can you charm?**"

_Not jealous, are you?_

"**Not really, no. In fact, I'm wondering which ones you can actually get.**"

_How many?_

"**Not a ridiculous amount, because that makes no sense. If we're stuck in this world, you can give me a show and enjoy yourself.**"

_All right. You have a deal. This is probably very degrading to women, but our society is sexist._

Suddenly, Naruto _moved_. He moved _fast_. To everyone's eyes, he vanished. Three things happened right after.

One: Zaku was sent flying.

Two: Dosu was sent flying.

Three: Sakura cut her hair to escape Kin, and Kin emitted a loud, lady-like shriek.

"Wha-What the hell touched me?" Kin's body squirmed; her face was an unnatural red.

Dosu and Zaku groaned before rising. Then Sasuke appeared, covered in tattoos and a nasty-looking, purple aura. Not like the cool purple aura, but the nasty purple aura. He ran over to Zaku and broke his arms. That was totally uncalled for.

Sakura hugged him, causing the purple aura to vanish. Ino 'prepped' Sakura's hair, telling her that the hug was an excuse to get close to Sasuke.

The Sound had left a while ago, but left their scroll behind. "Hey guys, look! It's a scroll we need! Let's get out of here!"

Team Ten left to get their own scroll, as did Team Guy. Sasuke and Sakura fell into step behind Naruto as they all headed towards the tower in the middle of the forest.

**VvVvV**

"Welcome to the next stage of the chunin exams. We will be having preliminaries blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Any questions?"

"What if we just got here?" Chouji asked, feeling somewhat hungry.

"That's your fault, brat. Work harder next time." Anko laughed at his downtrodden face. "Anyway, this one dude whose name I forgot- Hayate?- is going to take over the exams."

Hayate popped up, did his own introduction, and then the preliminaries started. Everyone took a spot in the balcony after the Hokage did another little speech.

Oh yeah, Kabuto left because of his 'injuries'. Naruto sent out a shadow clone to tail him. Yes, we know what Kabuto is up to, but Naruto doesn't.

The first fight was Sasuke Uchiha against Yoroi. Sasuke couldn't use his Sharingan due to Curse Seal shenanigans, nor could he use jutsu, but he used Lee's taijutsu move to lead into his newly-named Lion Combo. Win for Sasuke.

Lee wanted to sue him for copyright infringement, but that's not very youthful.

Next match up was Shino against Zaku. Zaku ended up losing and had his arms blown off by Shino's bugs. Oh right, he plugged up the holes in his palms. That doesn't even make sense. How did he not notice bugs crawling around in his arms? That's kind of disgusting.

That was Naruto's opinion for that match.

Then it was Kankuro vs. Misumi. It turned out that Kankuro's body was a puppet that then poisoned and incapacitated Misumi. Maybe killed, who knows. Naruto's opnion was yelled very loudly, "Holy shit! He even puts makeup on dolls! Man the fuck up!"

Kankuro screamed in anger at him, but the proctor restored order in order to move on to the next match.

Sakura Haruno faced off against Ino Yamanaka next. Their battle was mostly psychological... maybe? Naruto wondered if fighting a battle of wills within your mind due to a jutsu was physical or psychological.

The battle was very disappointing. "Yeah, that was very disappointing. What the hell have you two been doing? Sakura, Kakashi said that you were good at genjutsu. Ino is a clan freaking heir. That was _pathetic_."

"Like you could do any better, Naruto-baka!"

"I believe I said this before, but this entire room doesn't look difficult. At all, really."

The proctor reestablished order. Kakashi returned from sealing Sasuke's Curse Seal up, but that wasn't mentioned.

The following match was Tenten against Temari. While Tenten was chucking weapons everywhere and Temari blowing them away, Naruto turned to Sakura and said, "This is how kunoichi fight. All you and Ino did was bitch-slap each other."

Temari won and hurt Tenten fairly badly.

Shikamaru faced off against Kin next. As Kin passed Naruto, he smirked at her, causing her face to heat up. "So, did you enjoy that feeling?" he whispered as she passed.

He took great amusement in watching her blush deepen. Ah, to tease young kunoichi who weren't aware of their emotions and bodies. It was fun, but Naruto wondered where the seduction classes were. They existed to remove that handicap from kunoichi! It seemed as if Sound didn't even train their kunoichi adequately.

Anyway, Shikamaru ended up defeating Kin.

"The next match is Kiba Inuzuka against Naruto Uzumaki!"

"Ha! We've got this one in the bag, Akamaru!" Arf, arf.

Naruto scoffed and walked down the stairs as opposed to Kiba jumping off the ledge. The proctor started the match and backed away from the genin. "Come on, dead-last! You should just forfeit now! I'm totally going to beat you!"

Naruto snorted and beat his chest. "Come at me, shinobi!"

Kiba growled and rushed forward, intent on slashing Naruto's face while Akamaru circled warily.

Kurenai expected an easy win for Kiba. Naruto was the dead-last. He sucked, plain and simple.

That's why her jaw dropped when Naruto's arm blurred forward, grabbing Kiba's outstretched hand from the air. He lifted him up and over his shoulder, slamming the Inuzuka into the ground.

Akamaru tried to bite Naruto, but a clone materialized in front of the dog, grabbing it by its legs and holding it up. The dog was dangling and yapping and making all sorts of annoying noise. The clone looked pretty irritated.

"Hey, boss!"

"Yes, minion?"

"Can I shut this thing up?"

"No, minion."

"Why not?"

"We're not animal killers. That's the worst crime of them all."

The clone snorted, still holding the puppy up. A couple people were bewildered at the interaction between clone and master. Or boss. Whatever.

Kiba groaned. "Y-You bastard..."

"Do you forfeit? I have your partner in my hands and you're in no shape to continue." Naruto pulled out a kunai to emphasize his point.

Kiba forfeited and was taken away. People were amazed. Such speed! Such precision! Such a boring, quick match!

It's a Kage-level shinobi (probably beyond) against a genin. What the hell do you expect? Naruto didn't want to add to Kiba's ego and drag the battle on.

Kakashi's surprise was evident, though. "Naruto, where did you get that speed?"

Naruto shrugged. "I trained."

The next match was Neji and Hinata. Hinata was afraid and about to forfeit when Naruto interjected, like he was going to do for every match in the preliminaries. Maybe the finals, too. "Shut the fuck up and leave your bullshit out of the exam! I came here to see people fight, not to see you spill your problems! Stop making this personal, you stupid fool!"

Neji seethed. Hinata got a second wind. Hinata fought valiantly. Hinata lost. Neji tried to kill her. Naruto snorted and muttered something about poor sportsmanship.

Oh well.

Then it was Gaara against Rock Lee. Naruto already knew about Gaara's abilities, but he didn't know anything of Lee's.

Super Gates, open! The blonde thought that was impressive. A genin, being able to open the Eight Gates?

Too bad Lee seemed to be an idiot. Even with all of that speed, he never noticed Gaara swapping with a clone. You have motherfucking speed! You should know what's going on!

Anyway, Lee was out of it since Gaara squashed his arm and leg. Well, he would have, but he only broke them. Nothing serious. Naruto made sure of that was a subtly cast jutsu that temporarily halted control of Gaara's sand.

Dosu and Chouji can be overlooked. That battle becomes completely irrelevant. It really does. Dosu is going to end up dying and Chouji doesn't really do anything. Oh well.

"Here are the finals:

Naruto Uzumaki vs. Neji Hyuuga..."

Naruto zoned out for the rest of the names. They weren't really important to him. Orochimaru was sniffing about, so he was sure to have some kind of overarching, complicated plan that was only centered on one thing.

* * *

**Post Chapter A/N: More stuff.**

**Next chapter is going to be different than what canonically happens, obviously.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: More random junk. Read and review, please.  
**

* * *

Chapter Four: Oops

Naruto was bored.

His sensei had stuffed him with some weird-ass closet pervert who tried to teach him water-walking. Naruto laughed in his face and was about to leave when the guy tried to attack some other dude spying on the women in the hot springs. Or bath. Whatever it is.

Naruto was seriously doubting the capabilities of the Hidden Leaf's ninja (yet again) if they couldn't tell who their best ninja were. You could spot Jiraiya through _anything_. The big mane of white hair and the weird-ass behavior kind of alerted you to his identity.

Anyway, Jiraiya summoned a toad. Toad removed Ebisu from the area. Jiraiya went back to peeking.

Naruto went up behind him and muttered, "Damn, you do this in public? There are perfectly good magazines sold in adult shops."

That had the intended effect of Jiraiya falling off his toad. He turned to face Naruto and went off about how the real thing is much better than the printed thing. "Oh, I agree. I'm just saying. Besides, you need to train me. You just knocked my sensei out, anyway."

"Why should I train a brat like you?" Jiraiya had a smug smirk on his face. Naruto _could_ say some very... hidden stuff. But he wasn't completely sure if Jiraiya was his godfather here. Given how Naruto looked, he was sure he was the child of Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki, like he had been in his timeline.

"I could always flare my chakra and make every female within fifty miles get here."

"You wouldn't," Jiraiya said with a pained face.

"Oh look," Naruto said, "Anko's in there. Might as well start shouting now, eh?"

"All right, all right! I'll train you! Stupid brat..."

Naruto grinned as Jiraiya muttered to himself. "All right, I'm going to have you sign the toad contract. It's pretty versatile and since you seem to have large chakra reserves, it'll work best for you."

Eh, why not. Jiraiya gave him the massive scroll and he signed it. As soon as he did so...

He was reverse summoned to the toad mountain place. Mount Myoboku or whatever.

Jiraiya was staring at the place he was standing at. Ooookay. That wasn't supposed to happen.

Good thing Jiraiya was reverse summoned a few moments later, right?

**VvVvV**

=Mt. Myoboku=

Why was he summoned to this place? Naruto didn't think he was supposed to be here yet.

Apparently, neither did Jiraiya, if the confused expression on his face was anything to note.

"Yo, old man," Naruto said, "Why the hell am I here? No summoning toads for me?"

"Quiet, brat! We're in Mt. Myoboku, honored home of the toads! You're lucky to even be here!"

"Fuck off, I bet you hate it here since there's no women." Naruto was frowning and tapping his foot impatiently.

That left Jiraiya wondering who the hell raised his godson. He had a... colorful vocabulary.

Maybe he'd be open to the ways of the super pervert.

"Ah, Jiraiya-chan," an elderly voice said, "I see you don't know why you're here. Well, you and the boy might want to follow us back to the Great Toad Sage."

Jiraiya's jaw dropped. What? Already? What the hell? This really wasn't going anywhere he wanted it to! Naruto was just supposed to sign the contract and attempt to summon toads!

"Hey, who's this?" Naruto knew who it was, but he had to keep up his facade.

"I'm going to assume you already know, Naruto-boy. Or should I say, Naruto Namikaze," Fukasaku said, much to Jiraiya's and Naruto's shock. His face was very serious.

Yes, there is some seriousness here.

"W-What? Fukasaku-sama, what are you talking about? He shouldn't-"

Shima, another elderly toad, suddenly appeared. "Hurry now. We can discuss the details in a bit. The Great Toad Sage is insistent."

So they all went to where the Great Toad Sage was. The guy was wide awake and staring down at Naruto with an odd intensity.

Then he spoke, his voice rasping due to its age, "Jiraiya, the new summoner is not who the village believes he is."

"Hey! You old fool! Of course I'm who the village thinks I am!" Naruto shouted petulantly.

"Hey! Brat, don't speak to the Great Toad Sage like that!"

"Bite me, pervert! Actually, don't. That's creepy." Naruto shuddered.

"**I'd bite you,**" Kurama interjected.

_Not right now, foxy-chan._

Jiraiya palmed his face and groaned. Minato was never a handful like this. Minato listened, was patient, and was quiet. His son was anything but.

Damn Kushina's genes. Damn them to hell.

"I would like to inquire the specifics of your existence," the big toad said. "After all, being a Sage requires extensive training and we can tell you have not signed any summoning contracts, aside from ours."

Jiraiya frowned. The great toad dude was saying that Naruto was a Sage? He'd have to have gone senile.

Naruto's mouth contorted into a thin line. "Are you seriously asking me? I woke up during the day of the academy graduation exam and I've been letting nature run its course. So many things are different, not to mention pathetically pathetic. Yes, I fucking said it. Pathetically pathetic. I fought a god damn Sound ninja and they had no seduction training. At all. Same with our kunoichi. They're all idiots!"

Okay, now Jiraiya was really confused. "Hang on. What is going on?"

Fukasaku and Shima turned to Naruto. The blonde sighed. Damn toads. Of course this would happen. Now he had to go around and tell everyone he was an overpowered fool with a bloodline. Oh boy. Maybe he'd desert and go infiltrating hidden villages. Might as well cause some chaos and destruction.

"Fine. I'm from an alternate timeline where a lot of things are different. I saved the world, I achieved peace, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, I also have a bunch of jutsu, a bloodline, and complete synchronization with the Nine-Tails."

Jiraiya's jaw dropped. "What the hell? Seriously? That's such bullshit!"

"Oh, come on! I keep saying I'm from an alternate timeline but no one believes me! No one ever believes me because it sounds so damn stupid!"

"You're right it sounds stupid, brat! Who in their right mind would believe that!" Jiraiya was crossing his arms and glaring at his godson.

"What, you want proof?" Naruto responded.

"Hell yeah I do!"

Naruto smirked. He turned to Jiraiya and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, Jiraiya was gaping. Again. Sage Mode go! Bar-pupils for the win!

Naruto also stretched his arms out and created a Rasengan in each hand. Best technique ever, fools. It even looks cool. It defeats everyone. _Everyone_. It sometimes caused him to question the skills of the people who he defeated it with because it was a close-range jutsu. A powerful one, but it was still hilarious to watch people get hit by it. Idiots.

"All right," Jiraiya conceded. "That's impressive, even if you're from the future."

"Different future, Pervy Sage. You took over as Hokage and used some jutsu to keep your spy network secure."

"I took the hat? What the hell happened to the geezer?" Pfft, him taking the hat? Yeah right. He'd use the crystal ball to spy on all of the kunoichi...

Yes, he did that in Naruto's era too. Why the hell not? Best opportunity ever!

"He re-retired. Took reign for five years after my old man died. Then you took over after."

"So who was watching over you?" Jiraiya asked.

"Not you, Pervy Sage. Seriously, I never even sensed you in the damn village in this timeline either! Where the hell were you? Not even Tsunade was here!"

Jiraiya rolled his eyes, deciding to take responsibility for his actions. "Believe it or not, brat, but I was busy. Spy network, remember? The geezer seemed to have things all right down here. Plus, you don't even know most of the old Naruto's life!"

"Fine, fine. You still should have been here. Apparently, from what I could tell, this Naruto was lonely as hell. The only ones who associated with them were Iruka Umino and the Third. Anyway, what happened to Tsunade? She left the village or something?"

"Yeah. Left after her brother and lover died during the wars. She couldn't take the strain and left," Jiraiya explained. He watched as his godson began to shake...

Then he exploded, growling and gnashing his teeth. It was actually pretty funny.

Well, it would have been, had not nine tails of pure chakra erupted from his tail bone. Jiraiya watched in fascination as Naruto ranted about "idiot kunoichi" and how "no one knows how to be a ninja" while the tails swished and swirled. Or bubbled.

Finally, he calmed down and the tails receded. "Huh. I feel better now. Sorry, toad guys."

"That is fine, boy," the sage said. "Do you know that the shinobi world will undergo calamitous events in the near future?"

"Let me take a crack at it. Three year trip around the nations and then Akatsuki is going to pop up. Akatsuki doesn't exist in this timeline though, right?"

Silence.

"...right? Holy shit, Akatsuki exists in this timeline?"

Jiraiya's face was grim. "Yep. And they're looking for Biju. Did that happen in your world, too?"

"Yep. They nearly succeeded, too. Kyuubi and I beat their asses to the ground though."

"That's nice to hear, brat. They're not very active right now, but I'm assuming they'll start hunting soon. It's also the reason why I'm taking you on a training trip."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Let me guess: for my protection, right?"

"And for my spy network," Jiriaya added.

"But now it's just for your spy network, right?"

"Well, I'm thinking about crashing at various towns..." A perverted giggle escaped Jiraiya's mouth.

Naruto would recognize that anywhere. "I like the way you're thinking, Pervy Sage."

"I am totally going to turn you over to the perverted, dark side."

Naruto snorted. "Yeah? I'm looking for kunoichi. Regular civilians don't last long at all. That, and if I end up stuck here I'm rebuilding the Village Hidden by the Whirlpools."

"You know, that's going to be damn near impossible. Most of their shit is booby-trapped with seals not even I can remove," Jiraiya said.

"It's a good thing that I know how every single one of those seals work then, right?"

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Seal master too, brat? You know what you're doing?"

"Hell yeah I know what I'm doing. I was practically raised over there. It's only right I resurrect it." That, and he'd take Kurama's game to a whole other level.

No Clan Restoration Act needed, not that it existed in the first place. Yes, it's a ninja world, but sometimes it goes too far. Good old objectifying women. That works, too. Don't whine, we live in a sexist world.

Okay, back to reality. Or Ninja-ality.

"Are we done here, Great Toad Sage?" The Sage nodded and dismissed them. When they both reappeared in the area where Naruto had met Jiraiya, the old pervert grabbed Naruto's arm. "We're telling the Hokage. There is no way he's not learning this."

**VvVvV**

"So, Jiraiya-kun... you're telling me that this Naruto here is a Naruto from an alternate timeline that has saved his own era."

Jiraiya nodded.

The Hokage sighed and looked at the unassuming blonde in front of him. He looked... ordinary, if not flashy, but nothing about him proved anything Jiraiya had said.

Had his perverted student finally gone batshit crazy from being beaten up by angry kunoichi too often?

"I'm sorry, Naruto-kun, but I can't find it in me to believe you. It just seems..."

"Yeah, I realize that old man. Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze were my parents here too, right?"

A pause. Wait, _what_? Who the hell? "Jiraiya, I hope you did not tell him of his parents prematurely..." The Third gave the perverted Sage a warning glare.

"Hell no, sensei! The toads even confirmed it! He's a Sage with complete dominion over the Kyuubi!"

Naruto knew that the Hokage wouldn't believe him so he began to draw in nature energy...

The Hokage's mouth dropped. Fuck yes, bar-pupils win over everything.

Then Naruto generated a Rasengan in each hand. That probably wouldn't be good enough proof, so Naruto backed up and turned them into Rasenshuriken. Oh, now _that_ look was priceless. Naruto let the attack dissipate and waited for the old man to speak.

Seeing old Hiruzen Sarutobi, the 'God of Shinobi' mouth "what the flying fuck" made Naruto's day. Hell, it made his week, month, and year.

"I can also use the Flying Thunder God technique. Oh, right. I can do this too." Naruto crystallized the moisture in the air and made them fly around.

"I know this is going to drive me crazy..." Hiruzen said. "How the hell did this happen, Naruto? Where is _our_ Naruto?"

"No idea, old man. I woke up on the graduation exam day thing. Hell, I was looking to start a family and now I'm a kid again. That freaking _hurts_."

Jiraiya gave the boy a sympathetic look. "All right, brat. I think we've established you're not the old Naruto. Now then, tell him everything else."

Naruto cleared his throat. "All right, all right. Orochimaru's planning an invasion," Naruto said simply.

"That is a heavy claim, Naruto-kun. Do you have any evidence?"

"I tailed Kabuto. You know, that 'mediocre' genin? He's a spy. He's also probably an elite jounin. But, Orochimaru is going to try and kill you. I can send clones to fuck with his plans, but I don't see why you don't just stop the chunin exams." Why not? What was Orochimaru going to do, _not_ ambush the Hokage?

"We still need the money, Naruto-kun. The Leaf is still recovering from the Kyuubi attack."

"I don't even get the Kyuubi attack! Hell, in my timeline it didn't even do anything. It was captured and sealed into me when we got word that the Hidden Cloud had two jinchuriki that could control their demons. Tailed Beasts don't usually care for human settlements." A partial lie.

"That's the thing. Your mother was the previous jinchuriki of the Kyuubi. I take it you read the story on Madara Uchiha controlling it?" Hiruzen asked.

"Yep. He never did that in my timeline. Well, he tried, but failed and then the First killed him."

"Well, we think that someone messed with Kushina's seal, especially since Minato was a seal master."

"Huh... anyway, back on topic. I can think about this later. Let me come with you when you confront the snake. I can at least stop him from using any bullshit jutsu," Naruto said.

"How? You have a... well, I can't really say 'match' since you're likely stronger than any genin out there."

"I can create very durable clones, old man. I'll just send them out on patrols. A clone will fight Neji and kick his ass, possibly removing that stick up there in the process."

Jiraiya laughed at this, shaking his head in amusement. "Hilarious, brat. Your clones will be helping me. The Hidden Leaf has a lot of civilians running around. How will you confront Orochimaru without him finding out who you are? I doubt you want random Sound shinobi trying to kill you every other day."

"I might want random Sound kunoichi trying to kill me every day, but I'm not one to take stuff like that by force. I fucking resent shit like that, even if the Kyuubi keeps bothering me about it. Just give me a mask and an ANBU cloak," the blonde said in a perfectly serious voice.

Hiruzen nodded. "Done. Now then, this is how we'll prepare for the invasion..."

And so they prepared for the invasion. Obviously.

**VvVvV**

=Chunin Exam Dome Thingy=

Neji watched Naruto from a distance. "You should just forfeit. Fate is agai-"

He never finished his sentence. Naruto blurred forward, punched him in the jaw, and sent him flying. "Shut your face. For gods sakes, enough about fate! You're a ninja, not a philosopher. Stop whining about things that were incredibly stupid in the first place."

Neji rose up and growled. "Are you saying my father's death was stupid? He sacrificed himself for the sake of peace! For everyone! He sacrificed himself in place of the Main Branch!"

"Then he's a god damned hero, moron. Get that through your head. You should be proud that your father is a hero, not angry. Although I might have a bone to pick with Cloud because that was the most harebrained, idiotic scheme I've heard in my life... and I've read through a lot of silly things."

Jiraiya sneezed from his place on the stands. "Brat, my books are amazing!"

Naruto shrugged. "It doesn't matter though. I'm going to show you that a talentless prodigy can defeat you. I got to where I am through painful, hard work. Fate can kiss my ass."

Naruto ran through some one-handed seals for the purpose of being flashy and then intoned, "Ice Release: Wicked Maelstrom!"

Sakura gasped. Holy shit, Naruto could use Ice Release like Haku? Were they relatives?

The other Leaf genin (and practically everyone else) was shocked to see that Naruto had a bloodline limit. A random orphan (or demon brat, in some cases) had such valuable genetic material?

As soon as Naruto said the words, the air become unbearably cold. Razor-sharp shards of ice formed from the moisture in the air and began to surround the arena. With as much chakra as Naruto had, he could keep the jutsu up nearly indefinitely.

The shards started to speed up and move around Neji, creating a miniature blizzard. Neji managed to stop the first barrage using his Kaiten or revolving heavenly sphere thing, but he couldn't stop them all. In the end, the Hyuuga prodigy was on the floor, bleeding from cuts all over his body.

"H-How? How can a no one and dead-last like you have a bloodline? How could you defeat me?"

Everybody knows where this goes. Naruto says it a million times.

With Naruto determined as the winner he took his spot back up, with his genin comrades giving him disbelieving looks.

Meh, let them believe what they want.

Sasuke was late, Kankuro forfeited, Sasuke was still late, and Shikamaru's match took three hours.

Naruto wondered if the Hokage had electrical TVs or something up in his stand. How could anyone see the matches from where they were? Genin were tiny most of the time and the dome was huge!

"**Ninja magic solves everything. Super eyes or channeling chakra to their eyes solves everything, too,**" Kurama said.

_What about the nobles_?

"**Noble magic? Fuck if I know.**"

Sasuke finally appeared in an extremely flashy entrance with leaves and everything. Unfortunately, there was a few "go, go Uchiha-sama"'s.

Sasuke fought Gaara. Sauske wounds Gaara with One-Thousand-Birds NOT AN ASSASSINATION TECHNIQUE, invasion starts.

The Naruto-clone smirked. It built up the chakra it had left and dispelled itself, sending off a pulse that removed the genjutsu over everyone and disrupted delicate techniques for several miles out.

The real Naruto was wearing a monkey mask and entered a battle against Orochimaru. He and the Hokage facing off against snake guy.

Naruto noticed the Sound Four set up a barrier. He could probably crack it if he tried hard enough, but that wasn't the deal here. Orochimaru was the deal. The snake guy did a speech, boasted about his new Soul Transfer jutsu, and tried to kill Naruto.

He failed. Naruto pulled a Body Replacement out of nowhere. "Where the hell did you get the log from?" Orochimaru asked. Where _had_ the log come from?

"I have no idea. I just did the technique and a log appeared," Naruto responded.

"Monkey, get ready!" Hiruzen yelled. He was dressed in battle armor and a kabuto helmet. He summoned Enma the Monkey King, who made a remark about how it was finally time to kill Orochimaru.

Then Orochimaru summoned the previous Hokage. Hiruzen removed the First using his magic seal hand thing and Naruto removed the Second. The Fourth crumbled to dust as his soul was already sealed from using the All-Consuming Seal of the Death God.

I think that's what it's called.

Orochimaru showed a pained smirk before stretching his neck forward. A snake shot out and opened its jaw, which then released his sword of doom. Never mind how the sword is extendable at will and made out of straight steel (or ninja steel), the snake was still curving about. So was Orochimaru.

Hiruzen and Naruto evaded the attack. Hiruzen went through some seals and Naruto clapped his hands together. A large stream of fire was bolstered by the intense winds spewed from Naruto's mouth, causing a giant firestorm.

Which was odd, because Naruto had a mask on. It probably came from the front of the mask.

The fire cleared quickly and Orochimaru was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, a tile transformed into Orochimaru, but it was hit by Enma in monkey-staff form. The body exploded into mud.

Naruto's senses went haywire and he leaned sharply back to avoid to Orochimaru's sword. Since the guy was still close by, Naruto punched him in the stomach. The man was sent flying by a can of Sage Mode whoop-ass.

Orochimaru quickly righted himself. This was not going well. This monkey ANBU was far more skilled than he thought. He also hit like a freaking truck.

A pause. What the hell is a truck?

Orochimaru went through his own seals and caused giant, spiky spires of rock to erupt from the ground. It clipped Naruto, but the Third evaded them all.

When Naruto landed, he rubbed his side before bringing his hand down in a chopping motion. A literal wave of electricity was sent at Orochimaru, who jumped into the air to evade it. Hiruzen extended his monkey staff and swung at his former student, sending him flying down to the ground.

Orochimaru was able to land on his feet, but the monkey ANBU appeared in his face with a light blue bubble in his hand. Once again, the snake guy managed to evade whatever technique Naruto had used.

And that was probably fortunate. The bubble was launched into the side of the barrier and its distinct _pop_ led to a cluster of explosions that forcefully spewed water around the area.

This was getting annoying. There was very little room to summon without straining his guards and the Hokage and monkey ANBU worked too well together.

Orochimaru was prideful and arrogant, but he was also cautious. How the hell do you think he was able to evade being captured as a pedophile for so long?

Then again, ninja _are_ supposed to be able to be stealth... even though Naruto cursed his old self for wearing orange track suits. What the hell, alternate dude?

So the snake guy decided to err on the side of caution and live to fight another day. He and his guards quickly made their way out of the area. Orochimaru did note though, with some satisfaction, that there was still much damage done to the Hidden Leaf.

His thoughts were, "Take that, assholes."

Meanwhile, as Gaara was about to unleash the beast, pillars of wood appeared and tightened around him. Shukaku swore to himself and shied away from the magical, Biju suppressing wood.

"Huh, that was easy."

"Oh, monkey-kun? Do you not see the damage?"

"What's that, old man? It's time to go to sleep and stop working?"

Hiruzen sighed as Enma dismissed himself. "Just take off the damn mask and un-Henge yourself. You and that technique, I swear. It's so damn useful but it's so damn creepy at the same time. How the hell do you feel when you turn into a girl?"

Naruto flinched. "Don't remind me! It's not my fault my inner demon is a fox and just so happens to conveniently give me actual transformations! It's not a plot device, I swear!"

Well, he can't really use genjutsu. Isn't that the whole idea? Naruto can't use the regular old clone technique, which are illusions and therefore genjutsu. So, when he actually transforms, it's an actual transformation. True, or no? Probably not, but it's cool to speculate.

The Hokage grunted as real ANBU appeared. "All right, time for damage control. And, possibly, for a convening of the council."

"The council? You mean those three advisers that are super conservative and are portrayed in a negative fashion most of the time?" Naruto asked.

"No, I mean the council full of clan heads and random civilians that have a bone to pick with you," Hiruzen replied. "And yes, I'm serious. Can't have a fanfic without council bashing, can we?"

"**Holy shit, he broke the fourth wall! I thought only we could break the fourth wall!**"

_Not too often, or else it gets boring. Or annoying._

* * *

**Post Chapter A/N: Naruto will still yell at stuff. There won't be Sasuke bashing, or Sakura bashing. Naruto _might_ criticize them a bit harshly, but that's about it.**

**Council bashing... probably. I just want Naruto to steal more stuff. He's a damn ninja, isn't he?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Enjoy.  
**

* * *

Chapter Five: Sound Four or Five

Naruto watched the jinchuriki opposite from him. He was in an interrogation room, clad in his brand new, tacky chunin vest. Opposite of him was Gaara.

"All right, so you deny all responsibility because your dad incorrectly sealed a gigantic demon into you, which resulted in the death of your mother. This caused you to become insane because no one loved you."

"Yes," Gaara simply said. His blank stare was unnerving Naruto and he was years older! Creepy.

"All right. Is Shukaku still screaming in there? I hope he listened when Kyuubi and I removed that gigantic splinter from its foot. Who the hell makes the seal a splinter?" Seriously. When Naruto and Kurama went into Gaara's mindscape, Shukaku's pain-filled screams were the result of a huge, wooden splinter impaled through its foot.

"He is not. In fact, he is quite coherent and is insistent on remedying my sub-par control with his power," Gaara again stated in that creepy, toneless voice of his.

Naruto nodded, satisfied. "Cool. Your dad is dead and all, right? Orochimaru was behind the invasion, blah blah blah. I suppose we can free you guys. The Hokage was cool with it. The council wasn't, but this is a military dictatorship."

Gaara inclined his head. "I thank you for fixing my seal and for using your therapy technique on me. It has helped much. I will attempt to connect with my peers and with my family again."

"Nice to know. Would you like some ramen, by the way? I know this really awesome place..."

Naruto dragged Gaara and his siblings to Ichiraku's.

Their reactions made him depressed, though. Ramen wasn't merely "it is okay", or "all right". It is the food of the fucking gods.

Although, nutrition was fine too.

So, while Gaara and his siblings were reconnecting and Naruto was pitching in a joke or two, he felt two massive signatures nearby. Well, one was big. The other was ridiculous.

"**Akatsuki behind you,**" Kurama said.

_What tipped you off?_ Naruto responded.

There was a tap on his shoulder. Naruto swung his stool around to see two men dressed in black cloaks with red clouds on them. They were also wearing straw hats. "Anything I can do for you, gentleman?"

Naruto was prepared to use lethal force to protect himself and Shukaku, but he didn't expect them to ask, "Do you know where we could find a sushi place?"

"A... sushi place?"

"Yes. We have been traveling for quite a while and we're very hungry."

"Ah. Well, there's one down the street and to your right," Naruto said. If they're just hungry, why not direct them to a good restaurant. Sure the cloaks are intimidating, but everybody should be able to get a meal if they want to.

They muttered their thanks and left. Huh. He couldn't see their eyes, so he didn't know who they were. All he knew was that they were Akatsuki.

He watched them enter the restaurant a ways away, and then returned to his ramen. "Who was that?" Gaara asked.

"Akatsuki," Naruto said.

"Aren't they those Tailed Beast hunters?"

"Yeah, but they're not causing trouble right now, Gaara. Let them do what they want. They're probably not going to do anything for a few more years."

Gaara nodded slowly before returning to his meal.

Meanwhile, Itachi and Kisame were enjoying a high-quality meal of sushi. "Damn, that kid sure knows how to point them out."

Itachi silently nodded. The sushi tasted very nice.

Coincidentally, Sasuke was dining in the same area. He saw Itachi and his jaw dropped. He ran over to where his brother was and shouted, "Itachi! I've come to kill you!"

Itachi looked at his brother and sighed. "I can never get a moment for myself... it's always "capture this" or "massacre that"." He looked into his brother's eyes and sent him into an illusion world of oblivion.

Sasuke crumpled to the floor. Despite all of the screaming, Itachi and Kisame finished their meal before jumping away. They had to get out before the ANBU were sicked on their heads.

Naruto watched them bounce away from the Hidden Leaf. "Huh, I guess they were found out. You know, that really makes our security seem bad."

Kankuro looked at Naruto for a moment. "You know, that really does. Why aren't you worried?"

"He is from an alternate timeline," Gaara stated impassively.

"Seriously?" Temari asked.

"Seriously," Gaara finished.

Naruto slammed his head on the counter. "No one believes me, but you guys believe your brother that was previously batshit insane..."

"Hey! Don't talk to my younger brother like that!" Kankuro said.

"So... unfair," Naruto quietly said.

**VvVvV**

Sasuke was lying on his hospital bed. He was still too weak to kill his brother! His brother had just used that super Sharingan he had and locked him into a super illusion. It pissed Sasuke off. Being a Leaf ninja wasn't making him any stronger!

"Yo," a familiar voice said. Sasuke looked up to the grinning face of his teammate and... an unfamiliar redhead.

Holy shit, that redhead was _hot_. Hot was an understatement. She personified beauty. It was like she was perfection. Her red, slitted eyes were odd, but they seemed to add to her allure.

Her breasts were large, too.

"So, how you doing? Your brother must have hit you hard," Naruto said. Sasuke briefly glared at him but then returned his attention to the girl.

"Wow, I think he likes me," Kurama said. "All men like breasts, right?"

"Right," Naruto said. "He's lucky I'm not a jealous guy."

Kurama snorted. "You know you're the only one for me, Naruto-chan."

"Err... who's this?" Sasuke asked.

"Oh, that's Kyuubi."

"...What?"

"Yep. Ask her yourself." Kurama was giving Naruto a deadpan look. She insisted on her actual, given name remaining hidden.

Then Sakura walked in. "Sauske-kun, are you- Oh, hello. Who's this?" Sakura eyed the redhead warily. She didn't miss the way Sasuke seemed fixated on her chest.

Kurama smirked. Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You're Sakura Haruno, right? My name is Kyuubi. I'm Sasuke-kun's friend."

Naruto backed away. Overpowered as he was, he still respected the power of an angry, irate female. Even more so since he had Kurama sealed within him.

Not at the moment, of course. But no one would find out.

Then Ino walked in to the sight of a smirking redhead and a glowering Sakura. "Hey... what's going on in here?" she asked.

"Probable catfight," Naruto responded. "Sakura's mad because Kyuubi-chan over here has breasts."

"Wow, that's kind of rude, Naruto," Ino said. "But yeah, you're right. Forehead has no breasts."

"Neither do you," Sasuke cut in. This was getting strange.

"Hey! I have breasts! More than Forehead, anyway."

"Yeah, but you all kind of fail in terms of Kyuubi-chan," Naruto absentmindedly remarked.

Kyuubi nodded twice, making a "hm, hm" noise. "As much fun as it is claiming my superiority over you two, I'm already with someone. You can have Sasuke-kun all to yourself."

Sasuke's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Damn it. A hot girl and she's with someone already."

"Sasuke-kun wouldn't want a tramp, anyway," Sakura muttered.

Kyuubi smirked at Sakura, walked over to Naruto, and grabbed his junk. Naruto looked down and back up at the the shocked expressions of the girls and the defeated expression on Sasuke's face. "Huh, I didn't think she would do that. Maybe it's time we leave."

They both vanished in a Body Flicker.

"Whoa..." Ino murmured, "That was..."

"Trampy," Sakura stated with conviction. "Very, very trampy. Yes, trampy. Anyway, I'm going to fawn over Sasuke-kun. Want to help?"

"Nah, I just wanted to see if he was all right. Sasuke's way too much of a downer. Sorry, Sasuke. Maybe you'll get hot girls if you stop being an ass to everyone."

"But being an ass is all I know how to do!" he cried.

"Then you can have Sakura. See you!" Ino left the room.

Sasuke looked at the sweetly smiling Sakura and groaned. "Fucking hell... I hate Naruto. I think I might defect because of this. Yes, totally. Sound probably has better kunoichi too."

**VvVvV**

It was dark. Sasuke was walking slowly, silently, and stealthily across the street.

And then Sakura came in and ruined the whole ninja moment.

Teenage love confessions and angst, oh boy. Sasuke knocked her out and continued on his way. He found the Sound Four, got his Seal advanced, and then was stuffed into a barrel. A tight, cramped barrel. Then they all left.

The next morning the incident was found out and the Hokage sent out a team made up of you-know-who. The Sasuke Retrieval Squad headed out to retrieve Sasuke. Duh.

Naruto was walking to the Hokage's office to ask when he was going to leave for the next three years when he was informed of the defection. "Huh, he defected?"

"Yes."

"Why not send me out?"

"I am sending you out. Go deal with them and make sure no one important dies."

"All right, old man Hokage. Want me to let Sasuke go or no?"

The Hokage thought for a moment. "Try to see if you can't convince him to stay. Otherwise, he might be a loose cannon if you bring him back."

Naruto nodded. "I'm heading out then. See ya, old man!" Poof. Naruto was gone.

In a clearing, Chouji was breathing heavily as a Stage Two Curse Seal Jirobo laughed maniacally. "With this power Lord Orochimaru granted me, I cannot possibly lose to trash such as yo-"

The voice was cut off as the head separated from the body. Naruto appeared out of nowhere and ran up to Chouji. "Damn, are you all right? Oh shit, you took those pills?" Naruto said, referring to the nearly empty box near Chouji.

"Yeah, I'm fine... how did you cut off his head? You don't even have a kunai out."

"Oh, I uh... that's going to be hard to explain. Just think about really sharp, strong claws."

Chouji looked faintly ill. "Are you sure you're not an Inuzuka?"

"Very sure, yes. Where did everyone go?" Naruto asked.

Chouji pointed in some vague direction. "Over there. Shikamaru, Neji, and Kiba are all catching up to the enemies."

"What about Akamaru?"

Chouji palmed his face. "Yes, yes. He's there too. Let's go already!"

"Actually, head back to the Hidden Leaf. I'll deal with the problems," Naruto said.

"What? Are you sure?"

"I can _order_ you to go back, you know." Naruto smirked at a surprised Chouji. The rotund boy sighed, said quick "good luck", and headed back.

Naruto activated Sage Mode and located the rest of the SRS. Then he took off in their direction.

Neji was battling some guy with four arms that Naruto didn't quite memorize. What, he was focused on Orochimaru back during that battle. Who cares about four extras?

"Yo," Naruto said, dropping down to where Neji was swatting mini-spiders. Naruto sent a blast of wind at the larger spider, removing it from the battlefield. "What's going on here?"

"Naruto!" Neji yelled, "He's firing arrows! And they hurt, too!"

Coincidentally, an arrow shot right at Naruto, spearing him right above the heart. Naruto looked down at the arrow, pulled it out with a _squelch_, and charged it with electricity. "Right, I'm a jinchuriki... and you don't know what that is. I'll tell you all later. Maybe."

Kidomaru gaped at how the blonde had taken an arrow and removed it like it was a minor nuisance. "What the hell? That's not normal! You should be on the ground gasping for breath or something!"

"You have four arms and spit out webbing! What the fuck kind of definition for normal are you even using?" Naruto shouted back.

"I'm from Sound! I don't think normal exists over there, especially since we're run by a guy who can regenerate and shed his skin."

"Uh-huh..." Naruto flicked the arrow towards where Kidomaru was and blasted it with wind. The arrow pierced Kidomaru's skull, killing him immediately. Naruto told Neji the same thing he told Chouji, got directions, and then split into two.

Kurama went after Kiba while Naruto went after Shikamaru.

**VvVvV**

=With Kurama=

"Wow, this is your backup? It's a girl in a freaking kimono!" Sakon exclaimed.

"She has nice breasts, at least," Ukon muttered.

Kurama watched the two brothers argue between themselves about various attractive aspects of females. "Wow, if all guys can be distracted this easily, I could probably become Kage of the Hidden Leaf. Wouldn't that be ironic?"

"How would that be ironic?" Kiba painfully grit out.

"Oh, you wouldn't get it. Naruto will explain everything after this."

The two brothers turned to her, smirking menacingly. "Well, we might as well have some fu- Urk!" Sakon flew back into a rock face and died.

"Holy shit! How hard did you hit him?" Kiba asked.

"Enough to disintegrate his insides, I think. They were already messed up, I just had to punch him with enough force."

"You bitch! You killed my brother!" Ukon rushed forward in his Curse Seal form. Kurama broke him as well.

"Huh, that was easy."

"Speak for yourself! I think I'm paralyzed! Akamaru's hurt, too!"

Kurama looked down at the small puppy with distaste. "Ugh, I'll never get why humans like dogs so much."

"Wait, what?"

"Nothing. Let's get out of here." Kurama formed a clone to help the still bewildered Kiba.

Then the clone took him away. Kurama headed back to find Naruto.

Once they were back in the Hidden Leaf, the clone dispelled. "Huh, she was pretty hot," Kiba remarked. "I didn't even get her name! She just popped in and saved my ass!"

**VvVvV**

=With Naruto=

Naruto was watching Shikamaru's and Tayuya's checkmate thing play out when Kurama reappeared. "Yo," she said.

"That's my line. Anyway, they're... positioning themselves. It feels like a bunch of moving around and trapping and illusion techniques."

"Huh. Isn't the redhead a member of the Phantom Flute clan?"

"Clan might be gone. I'll mention it to her if I get around to it."

Shikamaru was being hard-pressed to survive, much less win. Hopefully the other members of the SRS were faring better.

"Ha! You fucking shadow user! You're going to really fucking die now!" Tayuya shouted.

"Huh, you swear as much as I do when I'm angry." Naruto appeared next to Tayuya. The redhead jumped back, falling into a defensive stance. Naruto shook his head. "Might as well get you down."

"What are you talking about, shithead?" Tayuya said, watching him warily.

"Meh, you'll find out later." Naruto rushed her and knocked her out. "Yeah, this is really easy. Where are the S-rank missing-nin?"

"Already anxious for something at least challenging?" Kurama asked, jumping down to where Naruto was. Shikamaru watched the other redhead with some caution.

"Everyone sucks! How is this supposed to be interesting?"

"Just wait a bit. We'll head out sooner rather than later."

"Fine, fine. Take... what the hell is her name again?" Naruto asked.

"It's Tayuya, you troublesome blonde," Shikamaru said, entering the conversation. "Who's this?"

"This is Kyuubi. Yes, that's her name. Yes, I know it's weird, but go with it. Kyuubi, bind Tayuya and take her. Shikamaru, where is Sasuke?"

Shikamaru groaned. "Some albino guy took the barrel he was in."

"He was in a barrel? Why?" Naruto asked, tilting his head.

"How should I know? Troublesome..."

Shikamaru and Kyuubi left with Tayuya in tow. Naruto activated Sage Mode and headed onward, swiftly catching up to the albino guy carrying a barrel.

It wasn't as if you could miss it. The guy was in a clearing taking a breather.

"More trash to try and stop me from fulfil-"

"Yeah, I don't care. Is Sasuke in that barrel?" Naruto pointed at the barrel for unneeded clarification.

The barrel abruptly began burning and then exploded. Sasuke walked out of the flames and groaned. "What the hell? I just wanted to defect! I didn't want to undergo this weird-ass change!"

"Did Sakura scare you away?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke turned, his face half-transformed. "Yes! Yes she did! I don't know why, but she thought I was the love of her freaking life! Even Ino doesn't do that!"

Kimimaro shrugged. "Give it a few years. She'll find someone else to fawn on."

"God, I hope so!"

"I'm about to die. Good-bye, everyone. I was hoping to be Orochimaru's next body, but oh well." Kimimaro fell over, dead.

"Well, that was anti-climactic," Sasuke said.

"Yeah. Anyway, make sure Orochimaru doesn't ass-rape you when you reach Sound."

Sasuke scoffed. "Don't worry, I just want his jutsu so I can kill my brother."

"Go for it. I'm heading back to the Hidden Leaf and then going on a three year training trip."

"Oh, you too?"

"Yep. Sakura might seek you out when I come back though."

Sasuke gnashed his teeth. "Fuck! God damn why can't I find a girl that isn't fangirlish?"

"Yeah, good luck with that. Orochimaru won't help you there." Naruto vanished in a Body Flicker. Sasuke grunted and headed off towards Sound.

Zetsu appeared from the ground and looked around.

"Wow, that was pretty boring. Not even an intense fight or anything."

**VvVvV**

"So here's the thing, Tayuya," Hiruzen said. "Since the information you have given us has unearthed several of Orochimaru's bases, we're letting you do what you want around our village. In addition, we would like to extend an invitation to join our ninja forces."

"I'm not being a genin again. Hell fucking no," Tayuya replied, folding her arms defiantly and glaring at the Hokage.

Naruto chortled from his own seat next to Tayuya. "I fucking love this girl," he muttered.

Tayuya's response was the bop him on the head.

The Hokage sighed and rubbed his forehead. "We have received an assessment of your skills from two of our chunin, one of which is coincidentally in the room right now." Hiruzen smirked. "We're are promoting you to that of an experienced chunin. Once you serve your year of probation and complete missions for us, we can think about promoting you."

Tayuya unfolded her arms and threw them into the air. "Thank fucking god! If I had to remain a genin with all of those dipshit rookies I think I'd go insane!"

"**Ooh, I like her.**"

"Well, you need a place to stay, of course."

"Do I get an apartment or some shit like that?" she asked.

"No, you're staying with me," Naruto said. "And please don't ruin my crappy apartment."

"What? Why the fuck would I stay with that asshole!" Tayuya shouted, pointing at Naruto for added effect.

"Well, for one, I kind of removed your Curse Seal. And Anko's. For two, people don't like you because your formerly Sound. Yes, yes, I know you can protect yourself, but I'm ridiculously overpowered, remember?" Naruto gave Tayuya a cheeky grin.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, shithead. But no funny business or I'll castrate you. Maybe I'll have Kyuubi help."

"She'd sooner rape you than help you. Trust me, I've been there before."

"As interesting as this conversation is," the Hokage interjected, "I need Naruto-kun to get you better acquainted with his apartment. You should, since he's going away for a few years on... err... I'd say a 'training trip', but it's more like he and Jiraiya-kun are going to stir up trouble."

"What? Three years? You don't even need the training trip from that perverted old shit!"

"Yeah, but the Hidden Leaf is boring. Plus, I want to see what's going on in the Hidden Rock, Cloud, and maybe help with the Civil War in Mist." Naruto leaned back in his chair. "Don't worry, I'll give you a seal that lets you contact me at will. If you're feeling lonely or you're in trouble, just channel chakra into it and I'll appear."

"How the fuck do you expect to do that, shithead?" Tayuya asked, tilting her head curiously.

"Flying Thunder God," Naruto remarked.

"Flying Th- What the fuck, you know your dad's techniques too?" Tayuya said, shocked. Hiruzen palmed his face. Of course he'd tell her his heritage. Most of the time, he would tell anyone who asked.

Not that many people asked at all, really. You'd fucking think that anyone with a pair of eyes, a photograph, and some sort of brain would realize Naruto is the son of the Fourth, but nope.

Naruto shrugged and then got up from his chair. Tayuya followed him out of the Hokage's office.

"You better not treat me like some damsel in distress, shithead."

"Hell no. I thought I told you this before? Besides, I'm trusting you to take care of yourself. And please don't burn my apartment down when I leave. It's kind of the only place I have. You know, demon in my gut and all of that."

"I'll try not to," Tayuya said cheekily.

They reached his apartment, unlocked it, and entered. Tayuya inspected it with a critical eye. "At least it's fucking clean. Fuck this place is small."

"Yeah, well, if you take up that much space I'll be happy to give you my room." Tayuya snorted and collapsed on the couch.

"When are you leaving, anyway?" Tayuya asked.

"Tomorrow. Maybe. Honestly, I have no fucking idea. The old pervert doesn't even have an idea of what to do half the time."

Tayuya snickered. "He actually lets you call him that?"

"You call him that too!"

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks for helping though, shithead. It's nice to know there's someone in this village who doesn't want my blood."

Naruto turned to her, a bored expression on his face. "It's not like anyone will try and hurt you, anyway. You're going to be a registered ninja tomorrow and anytime someone attacks you then is treason and punishable by pain delivered by my boot. Or sandal."

Tayuya snorted again and closed her eyes, opting to rest.

Naruto sat down next to her, closing his eyes as well.

They're not going to wake up in an uncomfortable position. Nope, not at all.

* * *

** Set out next chapter. Jiraiya trip time.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Next chapter. Read/Review, flame, whatever. Sometimes flames can be funny, too.**

* * *

Chapter Six: Charm

"All right, this looks like a good spot," Jiraiya said. The two ninja had been traveling for a good month and hadn't done anything.

At all. It was grating on Naruto's nerves.

"Why we here, pervert man?" Naruto asked, eying his surroundings. They were somewhere in the Land of Fire. The clearing was absolutely massive and there was a rushing river nearby.

"Well, I want to test your skills. You never really do anything with them, so I need to see if you can back your words up."

"All right. Any restrictions?" If there weren't restrictions, Naruto could- fairly easily, too- turn the forest into a wasteland.

Jiraiya hummed for a moment. "No demon chakra. I don't know how powerful it gets and I don't want you rearranging the area"

Naruto snorted. "It's going to happen either way. When do we stop?"

"When I say so," Jiraiya replied. "You ready, brat? Come at me full swing."

"**I like, 'Come at me, shinobi' better,**" Kurama muttered within Naruto's mind. Naruto smirked and rushed forward, surprising the sannin with his speed.

Regardless, Jiraiya towered above him and Naruto couldn't really blast him away. Even as several clones formed around Jiraiya and began coordinating attacks, the perverted sage couldn't be budged. Naruto's body was simply too small against the towering man.

Naruto jumped away as Jiraiya's spiky hair punctured some of his clones. "Can we use Sage Mode?"

Jiraiya appeared unsure for a moment. Then he smirked and summoned Fukasaku and Shima. He explained the situation and they fused with Jiraiya. Naruto closed his eyes, inhaled, and then opened them, bar-pupils active.

Then they rushed at each other. Naruto moved much faster than before, to Jiraiya's renewed surprise. With Sage Mode, Naruto could actually cause Jiraiya to skid back after each successive hit.

The old pervert sidestepped a jab and sent a return right hook at Naruto's chest. The blond ducked and weaved around the giant man, delivering two rapid-fire punches to the backs of his knees. This caused Jiraiya to fall forward, which Naruto capitalized on by kicking the man harshly in the back.

He was met with a log, which promptly shattered into a million splinters. "Okay, your taijutsu is a pain in the ass. How the hell are you that fast?"

"I can't tell you that, pervert. It's my own little secret." Naruto grinned at the annoyed expression Jiraiya had and the amused expressions the elder toads wore.

"Fine. I'm going to blast you away, then." Jiraiya flipped through some seals and spat out a blast of fire, which lit the oil Fukasaku spit out. The inferno was enhanced by the wind technique Shima used.

"Fuck." Naruto vanished into the ground, managing to escape the bubbling blaze completely. Since his Sage Mode was still active, Jiraiya could still sense him. Rather than going directly at the man, Naruto reappeared next to the river. "Hey Pervy Sage, check this out."

Naruto flipped through some one-handed seals and caused a gigantic wave of churning water to rise from the nearby river and fly towards Jiraiya. Parts of the water crystallized as their temperature dropped. In order to avoid being swept away and punctured, Jiraiya and the toads formed a triple combination of some wind jutsu, scattering the offending attack.

With the battlefield drenched, Naruto clapped his hands together. "Storm Release: Laser Circus!"

He had stolen this technique from some guy in Cloud way back when. Yeah, it wasn't really smart to use a technique with partial electricity in it while on a watery battlefield, but Naruto could cope. Plus, lasers are cool.

Jiraiya cursed as several volleys of lasers were shot at him. What was worse was that despite gratuitous evasion and replacement techniques, there was always one extra laser that seemed to be close to zapping the toad sage.

The water on the ground didn't help. Every now and then one of the elders on Jiraiya's shoulders would shout out a warning and the man would jump, evading the occasional electrified water surge. A gaze at Naruto showed him running through some additional seals. "Fuck, what now?" he yelled as the last laser smashed a tree apart.

"Fire Release: Great Fire Annihilation!"

He doesn't have a fire affinity, so he actually has to run through the seals for this technique. Yes, there are some limitations. Not much, however.

Jiraiya gaped as a massive jet of fire shot out from Naruto's mouth and spread horizontally, causing a menacing wave of flame to bare down on him.

"I think your new apprentice is insane, Jiraiya-chan," Shima muttered.

"Yeah, I realize that, Lady Shima."

The flames eventually vanished as Naruto stopped feeding chakra into them. Most of the battlefield was utterly ravaged. "Are we still going, or no?"

"Hell no. You're insane. Do you have training in all five elements?" Jiraiya asked.

"Yeah, I do. I have training in... everything. Yeah, everything. The Hidden Leaf actually trained their jinchuriki in my timeline. It helped that most of the bigots had personality changes or didn't exist."

"Huh. Well, I think you're an S-rank threat. Easily, in fact. Sage Mode in conjunction with your ninja techniques is pretty potent, brat."

"And that's not even with Kyuubi's chakra." Naruto shook his head and took a look around. "What are we going to do about this?"

"Well, we're going to keep moving. No witnesses, right?" Jiraiya dismissed Shima and Fukasaku before jumping away from Naruto.

The blond snorted and followed shortly after.

**VvVvV**

=An Additional Month Later=

Naruto groaned to himself. They hadn't done _anything_. He wanted to infiltrate Rock, Cloud, maybe even visit Mist's civil war for the sake of seeing Haku again. He hadn't seen her in ages.

Hell, he wanted to see Tayuya. She hadn't called him yet, so she was probably fitting in fine, but it was still boring. Maybe he could have flashed back there and teased Hinata. That was always fun. If only she had more confidence.

Damn Jiraiya and his spy network. This was irritating.

"Hey, brat-"

"Were you even planning on doing anything if I wasn't some super-powered ninja with memories from an alternate timeline?"

Jiraiya frowned. "Well, I was going to train you in your Tailed Beast's chakra."

"Let me guess: you were just going to wing it and hope it was all for the best."

"Pretty much, yeah. I was hoping you would be like Minato so I didn't have to hammer anything into your head."

"Yeah, I'm not a genius. Asshole," Naruto muttered, glaring at his godfather.

Said godfather rolled his eyes and headed off. "Come on, we're heading to the Land of Snow."

"Why?" Naruto tilted his head in confusion.

"You're backing up a team from the Hidden Leaf and I'm doing nothing."

"What the fuck? What kind of mission requires two Kage-level ninja?"

"You're not Kage-level. Not publicly, at least. I'm just being lazy," Jiraiya said cheekily.

Naruto groaned again. "Which team are we backing up?"

"Your old team, I think. Your girlfriend is there, too. Sakura Haruno and Kakashi are with her."

Naruto stopped for a moment, thinking. "Is this an order or not?"

Jiraiya gave him a deadpan look. "It's an order, brat. They need one more person and you're taking the part of an extra."

"What the hell is the mission, anyway?"

"Oh, you're escorting Yukie Fujikaze. And protecting her. And I think you're wresting control of the Land of Snow from rogue ninja, too."

Naruto gave Jiraiya an incredulous look. "What the fuck? I don't want to play babysitter for a moody actress."

Jiraiya looked affronted. "You're not looking forward to meeting the actress Yukie Fujikaze? She's supposed to be smoking hot."

"You think every woman with breasts and a nice ass is hot," Naruto muttered. "Fine, I'll go and help them out."

"No demonic chakra."

"Fuck you!"

**VvVvV**

=Land of Snow Boat Thing=

Tayuya was getting ready to sleep for the night when there was a flash.

Then she looked up from her position on the ground to see Kurama on top of her. The redhead grinned. "Hey there, red. What's going on?"

"Get the fuck off me." Tayuya shoved her fellow redhead off of the floor and got up. "Where the hell did you come from? I thought only shithead could use that technique."

Kurama snickered. "I've been with him all of his life. I know how to do most of the techniques he can do. Besides, he's coming in a bit."

Tayuya frowned. "Just when I was about to fucking sleep. Why are you two coming here?"

"We're helping you out. I was bored. The old pervert is doing stuff on his own."

Flash.

"Why are you both sitting on the ground? Why is the ground rocking?" Naruto asked. He walked up to a wall, tapped it, and then nodded. "We're on a ship and we're headed to the Land of Snow."

"Glad you made that conjecture, you fucking idiot," Tayuya muttered. "Where are you two going to sleep?"

Kurama shrugged, walked up to Naruto, and _melded_ into his body. "All right, cool. Now I'm sleeping with you in that bed."

"What! This bed barely fits me!"

"I'm a gentleman, don't worry." Naruto grinned.

"Shithead, I'm going to kill you!"

After much arguing, Tayuya finally let Naruto in the bed, only to kick him out as soon as he got settled. She thoroughly enjoyed the kicked-puppy look on his face.

The following morning, Kakashi and Sakura were very surprised to find Tayuya on the ground snuggling against a snoring Naruto.

In fact, they were surprised the blond was on the ship.

Although, they were amused when Tayuya woke up, shrieked, and punched Naruto away from her.

"You work fast, Naruto," Kakashi said, giving the blond an eye-smile.

"Yeah, I'm a charmer. Just my luck." Naruto was watching Yukie Fujikaze do her crying scene thing. "I swear I've seen this woman before."

"Haven't you seen the Princess Gale movies?" Tayuya asked, sidling up next to them.

Naruto closed his eyes for a moment. Princess Gale... Princess Gale...

"**She's Koyuki Kazahana! She's just under a different name,**" Kurama informed.

_If we're taking her to the Land of Snow... then... oh lord, it's this all over again._

"Yeah, sure I have. Totally," Naruto muttered.

Sakura appeared after she had been getting a closer look at Koyuki's acting. "This is so exciting, being on a boat with the great actress Yukie Fujikaze!"

Naruto grimaced. "What a ninja outlook. I'm glad this is the future of the kunoichi in the Hidden Leaf."

"Ninja can enjoy things like this too, Naruto," Kakashi chided.

"That doesn't mean they need to squeal about it!"

"**Cough, cough. Sorry, I was just trying to get the hypocrisy out of my system**."

Naruto rolled his eyes and returned to watching the scene with Tayuya, Kakashi, and Sakura.

The following day, one of the men on the ship was talking about how an iceberg randomly appeared in the area.

When Naruto overheard this, he just had to gripe about it. "Okay, icebergs that large don't just randomly appear. We would have at _least_ seen it drifting around. Kakashi, do you think there's people around here? Maybe missing ninja or something?"

"Possibly," Kakashi said.

Then the director pulled everyone ashore. What a great and not totally dangerous place to film a movie, right? In the middle of a freaking iceberg which is in the middle of an ocean. Yep, totally safe.

And then they started filming. Sakura was watching, Tayuya was bored and cussing some guy out, and Naruto was scanning the tops of the iceberg. Then his eyes widened. "Heads up guys, there are three chakra signatures nearby. I'm guessing they're after our actress."

Sakura and Tayuya tensed. Kakashi looked up at the tops when an explosion occurred. Said explosion caused filming to stop.

Said explosion also let Nadare appear with a flashy entrance. "My, my, my... we finally found you, Koyuki Kazahana."

"**Ooh, dramatic reveal. Think everyone is going to wait as he calls in backup?**"

_That's kind of a classic villain thing, isn't it? It happened with Nagato, Orochimaru, and Kabuto_.

Then Mizore appeared. So did Fubuki. When Fubuki appeared, Naruto cat-called. "I love this country already! Form-fitting bodysuit on a woman with breasts like that? I don't even care that it's sexist right now!"

Fubuki's jaw dropped. "All right, I was figuring on killing the princess, but I think I'll kill you just for that comment."

"You're welcome to try." He paused. "I'm severely tempted to say something very inappropriate and bad. Fucking perverted old sage and his crappy lines."

Then Kakashi engaged Nadare, Tayuya and Sakura engaged Mizore, and Naruto engaged Fubuki. Tayuya couldn't really hurt the man with her illusions while Sakura just chucked a bunch of explosive notes.

And really, how the hell does _armor_ stop illusions?

Yeah, whatever. Naruto headed out to Fubuki, who was launching Ice Release techniques. Or faux-Ice Release techniques. Icy birds tried to shred Naruto but his mastery over Ice techniques was much better than the Snow ninja.

He had a bloodline, after all. "Wow, is this all you can do, aside from be a pretty face? Kind of lame," Naruto taunted.

Fubuki grit her teeth. "I'll show you that we Snow ninja aren't to be underestimated! Ice Prison Technique!"

Pillars of solid ice shot out from the ground, each attempting to ensnare Naruto. He jumped away from a few and then launched a Grand Fireball. The fireball was fueled by utterly obscene amounts of chakra and overpowered the kunoichi's technique rather handily.

The cloak billowing behind Naruto as this was going on looked cool, too.

Then Fubuki activated her mechanical wings and flew into the air just as a rumble began to split the iceberg. Naruto snorted as he saw two gigantic whales in the distance tear part of the island apart. "Kakashi... always the flashy one, isn't he?"

Koyuki had fainted, much to Tayuya's displeasure. "Fucking actresses. Is she acting this time?"

Naruto shrugged, picked her up, and entered the boat.

Kakashi explained the situation to Tayuya, Sakura, and Naruto, who had already pretty much deduced the entire thing anyway. Koyuki whined about how they were all going to fail and how it was a waste to head to the Land of Snow.

So now they were at the actual Land of Snow and not some random ocean. "What are these things?" Sakura asked.

"Who cares? It's warm inside, cold outside. That's all that fucking matters," Tayuya murmured, reclining on a nearby bed.

"Must you always swear?" Sakura asked.

"Yes," was Tayuya's answer. Naruto snickered as the transport vehicles stopped. Everyone went outside for a breath of fresh air as Koyuki was declared missing.

"Are you kidding me? This really is like a fucking babysitting mission. Did she ditch because of her whole pessimistic 'I'm going to die' attitude?" Naruto said.

"Pretty much," Kakashi replied, shrugging as he did so.

"Why is everyone so fucking pessimistic? We live in a world where you can hire ninjas." Naruto continued grumbling to himself and vanished in a Body Flicker as he sniffed out Koyuki.

He eventually found her nearly unconscious in the snowy woods. "You are a very annoying woman," he said to her. "Seriously, act your age. I'm getting irritated with your fucking attitude."

Koyuki turned her head to him. "It won't make a difference. Give up. I shouldn't have come here."

Naruto shook his head. "That's what they all say. Then I smack their heads around a bit and then they listen to me. Whatever, let's go."

Naruto picked her up and began heading back to camp. Rather than go through that huge cavern with train tracks, Naruto flashed over to where Tayuya was. "That was easy," Tayuya remarked.

"Yeah, but Koyuki might be a bit disoriented. Are you all right, Princess Koyuki?" Naruto asked.

The Princess groaned and shook her head. "What was that?"

"Would you accept high-speed transport as your answer?" Naruto quipped.

The massive that ran on chakra rails appeared. Doto came out and was about to speak when Naruto interrupted. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. We get it. Evil villain, evil speech. You're an idiot, we understand."

Tayuya snorted with laughter from where she was standing.

Doto sneered. "And what could you do about it?" The rebels appeared and Doto's men took aim with their cool kunai-arrow barrage thing. That looked like an extremely neat contraption, in Naruto's opinion.

"I could do a bunch, actually. For example, this." Naruto then channeled chakra to his throat and roared, sending out a shock wave of concussive force that blew snow in all directions and impacted parts of the train, causing a great many of the shots fired to fail.

Sakura's jaw dropped. "Since when do you know jutsu like that?"

"Since... I don't even remember when I learned that one."

Doto made some remark about they would all fail and then the train shed its damaged portions and left in order to avoid further damage. Because of Naruto's interruption and his rapid retrieval of Koyuki, most of the rebels were quite all right.

Koyuki was rather slack-jawed. "Why do you continue to help me? We'll all die! This is pointless!"

Tayuya chuckled. "Well, princess-bitch, shithead here is kind of... powerful. That might be an understatement, actually."

With the rails and most of the road destroyed, they set up camp for the night. Naruto had been rather annoyed with Koyuki's attitude, so he found out where she was staying and knocked on the door. A haggard-looking Princess Koyuki appeared. It looked like she had been crying.

"Are you okay?" Naruto asked, his eyes softening. Overpowered or not, Naruto was always a sucker for teary females. Hell, he was a sucker for emotions in general.

As long as they were by females.

Koyuki sighed. "It's all right if you come in. I really don't know why you won't just leave, though."

"Why would I leave? That's not how I am at all." Naruto gave his charge a small smile.

"You know, my father used to run this country before it was taken over by rogue shinobi. He always tried to see the good in things, especially in me. He wanted me to be happy and to help the Land of Snow," Koyuki began.

"So why are you all mopey and stuff? It doesn't suit such a pretty woman like you," Naruto said, grinning.

"I feel like we're going to lose, but that attack you used... How powerful are you?" the actress asked.

Naruto frowned in thought. "Do you want the complete truth?" A nod. "Every ninja in this country would be utterly destroyed if they faced me in combat, even if I ran through them all at once."

"That sounds arrogant," Koyuki said. "Are you sure you aren't overstating your capabilities?"

"No machismo here," Naruto replied. "I am literally the most powerful ninja in this nation. Of course, my godfather kind of stops me from using most of that power since it's kind of... well, destructive."

"I could tell. You roared at them and part of that train blew up," Koyuki said.

"Yeah, but I didn't really want to destroy it yet."

"Why not?" Koyuki asked.

"Well, you saw that girl with pink-ish hair, right? Fubuki? Well, I..."

Naruto described what he would do to her in a very intimate way. In actuality, he was testing the limits of Koyuki's patience and whether or not she was still a voyeur.

Hilariously enough, her face reddened, but she did not stop him. Naruto smirked at her. "A voyeur, are you? And here I thought you were a respectable woman, if not a bit on the sad side."

"I-It's not like that!" Koyuki stammered. "I-I just, ugh..."

"Don't worry about it. Where I come from, most ninja lose their 'innocence' so that they can function better in the field. It's not something that I generally mind talking about. You're not really a ninja though, despite what you do in the movies." Naruto kept smirking at her flustered expression.

"Yes, I see. Do you think you can actually keep me alive?" A nod. Koyuki peered curiously at him. "I don't know why, but being around you makes me feel... safe."

Yeah, being the successor of the Sage of the Six Paths kind of does that. People always wondered why such a jinchuriki had such an allure towards everyone. The simple answer was just that: he was, in effect, the Sage's successor.

"I get that a lot," Naruto responded. "You know that redhead? She actually used to be a kunoichi from an enemy village. I saved her from certain death and after spending time with her, she willingly divulged information about her old village to mine."

"But she's such a vulgar girl..." Koyuki said, surprised.

"Is that a problem? I like independent girls. Makes me happy to do less work saving them, after all."

"You still saved me."

"You're technically a civilian. If you were a ninja, then I'd yell at you for being reckless," Naruto replied, grinning widely. "Besides, once we reclaim your nation, you owe me."

"We?" Koyuki said, sounding affronted. "I don't think you're an heir to the throne."

"Oh, don't pull that royalty card over me. I'm an orphan."

Koyuki giggled at him, giving him an actual smile. "Thank you, Naruto."

"It's what I'm here for. I call it my therapy jutsu, but I keep hearing that it's already patented." Naruto shook his head. "Someone out there has got charisma."

Koyuki rose from the bed. "If we do complete our task, then I'll reward you. It's a promise." The actress left the room, leaving Naruto behind.

"**Huh, I don't understand how you got her to smile. Think she'll bend over?**"

Naruto palmed his face.

**VvVvV**

Naruto and the rest of the people were outside taking a short break. Koyuki was talking with the director and telling everyone how she would take up the reins again, much to their surprise and pleasure.

Kakashi strolled on by to Naruto. "You wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you?"

"I might," Naruto said. "Did Jiraiya tell you? Or maybe the Third did."

Kakashi nodded. "Yes. It's hard to believe, especially since my student passed me when he actually became my student."

"Am I hurting your self-esteem yet?"

"No, I became a chunin and jounin before you did," Kakashi replied, giving the blond an eye-smile.

"Hey shitheads, heads up!" Tayuya shouted. Up above was a giant airship made up of some strange type of metal. Mizore, dangling on a rope, used his mechanical arm to grab Koyuki and rush off. A chorus of "oh no, princess" were heard and Naruto began to form shadow clones.

And shadow clones.

And shadow clones.

He ended up jumping on them over and over again until he made it to the airship. Just in time, too, for it nearly sped out of his reach.

Doto appeared and told Koyuki that he wanted a weapon that would make the shinobi nations fall under the Land of Snow's thumb. Koyuki scoffed, causing Doto to frown. "Why do you not believe me? I am sure the treasure will give the Land of Snow the glory it deserves."

"I find such a claim to be foolish. The Land of Snow cannot possibly stand up to five shinobi nations. It is impossible."

Doto smirked. "This weapon your father built will give us all of the power. I'm sure of it. With it, the shinobi of the five great nations will answer to me!"

Classic villain laugh.

Meanwhile, Naruto appeared. "Yeah, yeah. We get it. Classic cliché villain power scheme. Boss is a bit busy right now," he muttered.

He was then tied up by Mizore, but didn't seem very afraid either way. Doto frowned. Where was Fubuki? "What do you mean 'boss', brat?"

"He's keeping that one woman company right now," Naruto-clone said. "I'll assume he'll finish up with her soon."

Koyuki giggled. "He actually went through with it?"

The clone shrugged. Or tried to shrug from its position on the metal floor of the airship. "Yeah. I'd assume she's enjoying it, too."

Mizore frowned. "What are you talking about? You're just a brat. Your creator might have had a flashy technique, but he's nowhere near strong enough to match Fubuki."

Koyuki tapped her chin. "I don't know about that."

Doto growled. "Enough!" He turned to Koyuki and was about to grab her neck when she vanished. He blinked dumbly for a second before he said, "Where did she go?"

Mizore frowned. "Where did the clone go?"

Tayuya was waiting as Naruto, Koyuki, and a sweaty Fubuki with tangled up hair appeared out of nowhere. "I told you I'd do it," Naruto said to Koyuki.

Tayuya raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck did you do, shithead?"

Koyuki pointed at Fubuki, who had a sort of dazed expression on her face. "Oh yeah, look up there," Naruto added, pointing to the airship in the distance that was rapidly turning around in an attempt to reacquire their hostage.

Then the airship exploded. Brilliantly, too. A plethora of colors rained out from it. Koyuki gasped. "How did you do that? I mean, I get that you're powerful and all, but how did you explode that thing in multiple colors?"

"Oh, Great Clone Explosion with transformations on top. I know, it looks fucking amazing," Naruto said with a laugh.

"I guess this means I owe you something, don't I?" Koyuki said.

"Yep," Naruto replied. "I'll take a free room at your new palace or whatever anytime I drop in."

"We still have to use the key though," Fubuki murmured, seemingly coming out of her daze.

"You actually fucked her?" Tayuya asked. "Damn, how did you convince an enemy kunoichi to do it with you?"

"Ninja magic," Naruto simply responded.

Kakashi walked on by. "Oh, hey Naruto. I knew you could do it. Really, I thank you. All I did this mission was catch up on my reading."

An eye-smile.

Then they all went to the generator place, put the key in, and turned the place into Spring. As the generators removed the snow, Naruto made a face. "I know this is supposed to be a happy ending, but it's really cheesy."

"**I know I'm ripping someone off here, but where did the fucking butterflies come from? How the hell did the butterflies even appear? There was ice everywhere!**"

"Woo, we're all happy now. Let's all go get fucking milk and cookies," Tayuya said.

Koyuki looked around. "Where did Fubuki go? I really thought she was going to stay..."

Naruto shrugged. "She's a missing ninja. She'll do what she wants. I'll bet she'll seek me out though. I'm a _very_ good date."

"**You're not very charming, though. To be honest, I'm not sure why every woman just accepts you as you are. You should be making the females scream 'pig, pig'.**"

Naruto bit back the inappropriate response he had ready for Kurama.

* * *

**A lot of people kept asking for Koyuki, so I actually watched that movie and based part of this chapter after it. Yes, I went and watched it.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Another chapter. I don't think this one was that good. It has some fluff, but whatever. R/R, grammar/spelling check me, whatever.  
**

* * *

Chapter Seven: Come With Me, The Time Is Right

Naruto followed Jiraiya into the town of Tanzaku Quarters. The town itself was very lively, having many gambling opportunities and quite the amount of fine women. Jiraiya intended to exploit the latter very much.

Of course, he and his godson had another objective. Once the mission to the Land of Spring (formerly Snow) was completed, the Third Hokage had told Jiraiya and Naruto to find Tsunade. It was time for her to return to the Hidden Leaf.

That is, if they could convince her. Naruto was still pissed that such a prominent ninja left her home village because her lover and brother died in a war.

What a crappy excuse. Seriously? She had to get away from all of that? He had personally seen his allies cut down in front of him. Surely it should have ended up strengthening her resolve.

Jiraiya suddenly trailed away from Naruto, who was using Sage Mode in an effort to locate Tsunade's chakra. "Where you going, Pervy Sage?"

Jiraiya's tongue was out and lolling, causing him to pant like a dog. "My breast senses are tingling, brat! We're going to find Princess Tsunade's beautiful pair!"

Naruto raised an eyebrow. That didn't really offend him as much as he thought it would.

"**Perhaps you're a super pervert now,**" the Kyuubi suggested. Naruto snorted to himself. Super pervert now? He was already a super pervert.

Maybe not quite as open about it as his godfather though. He still admired the female body, of course.

Miraculously, after a few minutes of searching, Jiraiya actually found Tsunade and her apprentice. The blonde woman was gambling and slightly drunk, cursing her luck as she did so. The woman next to her sparked a memory...

"Ah, Shizune," Naruto muttered. Jiraiya nodded to his godson and rolled his tongue back into his mouth.

Then he made a show of smoothing his clothes and brushing his hair before puffing out his chest and gallantly striding up to Tsunade. "So, Princess Tsunade, nice to run into you here."

The woman in question slowly rose her head up from the gambling table and turned it to Jiraiya. Then she snorted and turned back around. "Go away, you old pervert. I told the old man before, I'm not going back to the Hidden Leaf."

Jiraiya frowned down at her. "Come on, Princess. Don't be like that."

Tsunade snorted again. "Get out of here, Jiraiya. Leave me be."

Jiraiya shrugged and backed off. "All right, your turn brat," he said to Naruto.

The blond boy was drumming his fingers on a nearby table, trying to comprehend how fucking idiotic Tsunade was being. "You know," he started, "I'm fucking tempted to bring out nine tails of whoop-ass and level this town."

"What about the citizens?" Jiraiya asked.

Naruto turned his gaze to his perverted godfather. "No one will die. I'll just cause a bunch of property damage. Unless you want people to die, in which case I'll just blow the area up."

Jiraiya face-palmed. "Brat, try to talk Tsunade into going back to the Hidden Leaf."

Naruto shrugged. "Fine. Hey!" He yelled, "Legendary sucker! Get your ass out of that chair and back to the fucking Hidden Leaf!"

Jiraiya palmed his face again at how loud his godson was being. _Everyone_ turned to him, including Shizune and Tsunade. "No, seriously," Naruto continued, "You have ten seconds or I'm blowing this fucking place up."

Shizune walked up to Jiraiya and whispered, "Why does he swear so much?" Then she frowned. "Is he your apprentice? You shouldn't be corrupting him, Lord Jiraiya."

Jiraiya chuckled. "He might have been my apprentice, but he's much more powerful than anyone here. He's at least as powerful as I am. About the swearing..." Jiraiya scratched the back of his head. "I have no idea. I think he thinks it makes him sound funnier."

"All right, time's up," Naruto said. Then he inhaled deeply...

Jiraiya paled. "Holy shit! Get down, everyone! Hit the fucking deck!"

Since Jiraiya was famous as a perverted writer, everyone hit the deck, except for Tsunade.

Tsunade ended up being blasted away by an insane amount of wind that was emitted by Naruto's open mouth. The whirlwind was spread and then thinned to encompass a smaller area. It wouldn't do to blow away innocent people.

The Tsunade-sized hole in the background was totally exempt from that.

Shizune rose from the ground, dusting herself off. She took a look at the controlled amount of destruction and gave the nonchalant blond boy an incredulous look. "What?" he said. "It's not like anyone was hurt."

"Oh, but you're going to be hurt soon, brat," Jiraiya remarked, rising from the ground and dusting himself off in the process. "You seriously think your parents would allow this to happen?"

"Don't you pull the parent thing on me! My mom would fucking _help me_ kick Tsunade's ass."

The perverted sage smirked. Yeah, that sounded like Kushina all right. Apparently personalities remained the same. Maybe.

Most of the people in the casino had ran out, afraid of a ninja smackdown. Tsunade barreled through the wall, face flush with anger. "You brat! I'm going to kill you for that!"

Naruto made a 'blah blah blah' motion. "Yeah, I've heard it all before. Anyway, bar pupils go!"

Whoosh. Tsunade was sent flying again as she attempted to smash the blond's face in. She rose from her position on top of a destroyed table and stared at the boy in shock. "What the hell? You can use nature chakra?"

"Duh. Bar pupils mean anything to you? Anyway, I'm the son of Minato and Kushina as well as the jinchuriki of the Kyuubi. I've soldiered through hate, loneliness, and complete fucking incompetence." Naruto put down his last flash card. "Are you convinced yet?"

Tsunade gave him a deadpan look. "Was that a prepared speech?"

"Kind of. I mean, where I came from, I didn't have any of that. I was treated more or less as a weapon and I fully accept that view. However, it doesn't make me blind to your incredible stupidity. Seriously, you fucking left the Hidden Leaf because Dan and Nawaki died?"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow and then look at Jiraiya. "Jiraiya, did you tell him about me?"

The sage guffawed. "Nope! He's from an alternate reality and suddenly appeared in this one! He's the most powerful ninja I've ever met aside from his father!"

"You expect us to believe that, Lord Jiraiya?" Shizune asked.

"Yeah, no one expects it," Naruto said, rubbing his chin in thought. "Ah, how about this."

Naruto bit his thumb and slammed it into the ground. An old frog popped up. Or toad. Whatever.

"Hey, old toad. What's hopping?"

"I am not amused," Fukasaku muttered. "What did you want, Naruto-boy?"

Naruto pointed at the big-breasted blonde nearby. "Can you tell her I'm from an alternate timeline, reality, or universe?"

The toad chuckled dryly. "Princess Tsunade, he's from an alternate timeline. You don't have to believe him, but he can use nature chakra and enter Sage Mode to its fullest, as well as use multiple S-rank techniques. That is a bit too much for a normal thirteen-year-old, is it not?"

Then the elder toad dismissed itself.

Tsunade sighed, accepting Fukasaku's words. "So you're from an alternate timeline. What happened there?"

"Dan and Nawaki never died. You ended up marrying Dan and having a son and daughter. The son ended up having the Wood Release bloodline limit, as did Nawaki," Naruto explained. "Both of them helped me control my inner demon's powers."

Tsunade had a forlorn look on her face. She sighed to herself. "At least they survived in another world. I should be happy for that. Did Dan ever become Hokage?"

"He succeeded Jiraiya."

"WHAT!" Tsunade choked out. "He became Hokage?"

"Yep," Naruto said, examining his fingernails. "After my dad died sealing the Kyuubi in me, Jiraiya took over the seat. He kept it for years until Dan took over."

Jiraiya snorted and Tsunade nodded. "I guess I should go back to the Hidden Leaf..."

"Fuck yes you should!" Naruto shouted. "Seriously, you think your lover and brother would like seeing you like this? They would want you to remain in the Hidden Leaf and help people. That would be a fulfilling life, wouldn't it?"

"Yes," Tsunade said, smiling. "It would."

"**Fucking finally,**" Kurama muttered. "**She's going to hurt you though.**"

_What? No she's-_

Tsunade punched Naruto through a wall. "That's what you get for launching me through a wall, brat!"

**VvVvV**

=Land of Waterfalls=

"Huh," Naruto remarked, "I never thought I'd see that waterfall again."

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "What, the Hidden Waterfall? You've been here before?"

Naruto grunted. "Yep. Some mission regarding their Hero Water. What a lame mission."

The pervert shrugged and entered the cavern. A ninja on guard duty let both of the ninja enter the pool nearby. After some swimming, the two elite ninja entered the Village Hidden by the Waterfall.

"Wait, why are we here again?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow at Jiraiya.

"Negotiations. I don't need to train you, remember? You could kick my ass if you wanted to. Besides, Waterfall's supposed to have a jinchuriki. Go sniff around." The pervert then left off to destinations unknown.

Such as, for example, hot springs. And maybe a bar, too.

The blond jinchuriki groaned to himself and entered Sage Mode, increasing his sensing radius exponentially. Sure enough, he found the telltale signs of a Tailed Beast chakra within the village.

Eyes snapping open, Naruto vanished from view, speeding towards where the chakra was supposed to be. After a few moments, he found a teenage girl with mint-green hair, tanned skin, orange eyes, and a set of clothes that designated her as important. She was being yelled at by a store owner.

Naruto's first thought was "fuck yeah, orange". He second was "fuck no, discrimination".

"Hey, what's going on here?" Naruto questioned as he walked forward to where the jinchuriki girl was being yelled at.

The fat store owner turned to Naruto and growled. "None of your business, foreigner. I'm dealing with a problem on my own."

"Oh? A problem?" Naruto tilted his head as the female jinchuriki's eyes flicked towards him. "Why are you yelling at this girl? Did she steal something?"

The man growled louder. "This isn't a girl. This is a demonic thing that the village won't remove. Why she-"

Frankly, Naruto was irritated enough before he heard the man's actual whining voice. So he knocked him the fuck out. The Hidden Waterfall wouldn't have an ANBU force or anything strong enough to make Naruto sneeze anyway.

"Are you all right?" Naruto asked the girl, who was staring at him with wide eyes. She couldn't have been more than a year or so older than him.

"Why did you do that?" She hissed. "Now they're going to pin this on me!"

"Who's going to pin what on you? Jinchuriki are people too." Naruto frowned at her shocked expression. "I'm a jinchuriki too and when people treat jinchuriki wrong it makes me angry."

"**You won't like you when you're angry.**"

_That was horrible. I love myself enough to like myself when I'm angry._

The girl closed her mouth. "You're a jinchuriki?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yep. Naruto Uzumaki, Jinchuriki of the Kyuubi at your service," Naruto finished with a bow and a flourish. "And you are the Nanabi jinchuriki."

"My name is Fuu. How did you know that?" the green-haired girl asked, giving him a curious expression.

"My demon and I are on good terms. I can completely use my demon's power. Honestly, I could level this place if I wanted to, but that's bad business." Naruto smirked at her as she stared at him. It was funny, really. It seemed like she was contemplating asking him on doing that.

"Could you really blow this place up for me?"

Oh, she actually did ask him that. Not like he didn't want to do it, though.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Why? Not that I won't do it, but why?"

Fuu stared at the ground, shuffling her feet nervously. "I... I hate this village. They treat me like an animal. I live off of food I steal and meat from the animals in the surrounding forest. I can't get sick because of the Tailed Beast within me, but my life is miserable... I'm miserable!" she cried, tears beginning the leak from her eyes.

Naruto was immediately near her, wiping the tears off when his thumbs. "Hey, calm down. Crying never solves anything. If you really hate this place, you can come with me. I won't let them do anything bad to you."

He wasn't very surprised that Fuu leaned into his chest and gave him a crushing hug. The blond knew that some girls liked bad guys, but if you weren't an asshole any girl would take a liking to you.

Well, most girls. Some were... different.

Like Anko. Insane snake-lady with a bondage fetish.

Naruto Body Flickered to the giant tree in the middle of the village to escape the notice of prying eyes. Fuu had stopped crying and sniffed softly before looking up at him. She seemed faintly embarrassed at breaking down like that.

"If I do blow this place up, then we're going to have a war on our hands," Naruto muttered. Hey, he would still blow the Hidden Waterfall up (seriously, he would), but there were always consequences to taking rash actions.

"I don't really want this place to blow up," Fuu responded. "Shibuki was nice to me... maybe he'd let me leave with you."

Naruto had absolutely no idea who Shibuki was, so he nodded like he knew the answer. Well, he did know the answer. If Shibuki said no, Naruto would make him say yes. Therefore, he knew what the answer would be; it would be yes.

Kurama burst out laughing in the blond's mind at Naruto's silly logic.

"I'm from the Hidden Leaf and we're allied with you guys anyway, so that fact might serve to help convince him. But," Naruto said, sitting down on the ground, "I want to speak to the Nanabi. Has it told you its name yet?"

Fuu gave him an odd look. "I thought Nanabi was its name."

"All right, I guess it hasn't given you its name. Come here for a second," Naruto said, beckoning her closer. She sat down on the grassy soil next to him. He leaned back on one of the massive tree roots before hugging Fuu closer to him.

He could tell Fuu was unused to human contact as she tensed when he brought her closer to his chest. "This is going to feel a bit strange, but I'm going to enter your mind."

"How?" she asked quietly, still slightly stunned at the close contact between she and Naruto.

Yeah, Naruto likes hugs. Who doesn't like hugs, anyway?

"Just a little trick I learned from my inner demon," Naruto muttered. Then he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, tapping into Kurama's chakra and enveloping Fuu with it.

The world swirled around them as they lost consciousness.

When Fuu awoke, she noticed she was in the familiar, dark cavern that designated the Nanabi's prison. There were spires rising out of the ground that formed makeshift bars that prevented the beast's escape. The perpetual buzzing of its wings echoed throughout the cave.

"Gloomy place, huh?"

Fuu started at Naruto's voice and then gave him an annoyed look. "Did you really have to scare me?"

Naruto shrugged. "Sorry." Then he walked up to the spires. Although he did hear Fuu's sharp intake of breath, he didn't really fear anything from Choumei. It wasn't as if the bug could kill him.

Really.

"Hey, Nanabi-bug! Are you in there?"

The loud buzzing of the bug's wings suddenly stopped and there was a soft thump as the bug landed. "**Sage...**" it rumbled in a strange tone.

"Sage?" Fuu asked, turning to Naruto in a confused manner.

Naruto chuckled to himself. "Yeah, I'm kind of the successor of the Sage of the Six Paths. Yes, he existed."

"That's... kind of cool..." Fuu said in an awed tone of voice.

The blond rolled his eyes, laughing softy to himself. "Please don't go fangirl-ish on me."

Fuu scowled. "Of course not. Fangirls are the scum that plague kunoichi everywhere."

"**Sage... why have you returned?**" the Nanabi spoke again.

Naruto stopped his mirth immediately and looked up at the spires. He made a few seals and thrust his hands out, smashing the spires, much to Fuu's renewed shock. The Nanabi floated out before folding its wings and perching in front of Naruto and Fuu.

"Introduce yourself, Nanabi. You and Fuu will get along better if you explain yourself." Naruto folded his arms and gave the giant beetle a stern look.

The Nanabi turned to its host. "**I am Choumei. You are Fuu, my host.**"

Much to Naruto's surprise (most jinchuriki weren't too cordial), Fuu bowed to the giant beast. "Nice to meet you... again?"

Naruto raised his hand and snapped his fingers, changing the cave into a sea of white. "All right, much better. Now Choumei has some room to fly. Treat your inner demon with respect and equality. Remember, they're the ones that are really trapped. Hash out some kind of agreement and get to know each other more."

After some time of listening to the demon and its host speak, Naruto and Fuu exited the seal and reawakened in the real world. A small amount of time had passed and the sun was only beginning the sink in the sky.

Naruto made to move, but Fuu didn't. "Can we stay like this?" she asked.

"You like the hugs, don't you?" Naruto asked with a sly smile.

Of course she liked the hugs. Hugs were nice and warm. They were gifts of affection. Or should be gifts of affection.

"Yes..." Fuu muttered snuggling deeper into Naruto's chest. "Thank you..." she sleepily said, closing her eyes and drifting off.

Naruto smiled to himself. Helping someone was totally its own reward.

**VvVvV**

Fuu was latched onto Naruto's side, glancing around worriedly as they entered the Hidden Leaf. Naruto and Jiraiya were heading back to pick up an additional mission and to reconnect with their peers.

Jiraiya wanted to reconnect with Tsunade's chest. Naruto just wanted to sleep in his own bed for once. The problem was was that his apartment was ridiculously small and running out of room.

So he was also going to claim his father's mansion, if his father did actually have a mansion in this timeline. Seriously, he was the Uzumaki heir! Where the fuck was his damned inheritance? The Hidden Stone could kiss his ass for all he cared.

"All right, brats," Jiraiya began, "We're here. We gotta get Fuu registered and settled. I'm still surprised Shibuki let her transfer villages."

Naruto snorted. "Shibuki only wanted the best for her. You were sleeping when their council brought Akatsuki up, Damn fools. I'm tempted to blow them up." Fuu tightened her grip on Naruto's arm as a way of saying thanks.

"Besides, the Nanabi and I are getting along better than ever," Fuu said. Naruto grinned at this. Hell yeah, easing tensions between Tailed Beasts and hosts everywhere.

Well, everywhere where jinchuriki need it. Which, admittedly, might not be so much.

Naruto had been helping Fuu draw on the Nanabi's power and had also told her of his heritage and his superpowered overpowered-ness. Oddly enough, she accepted the alternate timeline explanation readily.

The trio, garnering many strange looks, entered the Hokage Tower. They went to the Hokage's room and saw the Third, along with Tsunade, looking through random amounts of paperwork. "Ah," Hiruzen began, "I see Shibuki's ward has come. I received a letter from him on the nature of your transference."

"Make her a Hidden Leaf ninja already, old man." Naruto slightly flinched when Tsunade raised a fist to address his lack of respect.

Yes, women are scary.

So they went through the process, signed her into the village, and gave her a Hidden Leaf headband. The probationary restriction normally reserved for transferred ninja was lifted. Naruto was just that good. That, and a jinchuriki would be a terrible choice for espionage.

And then Danzo walked in, thumping cane and all. _Holy shit, what the fuck happened to his signature? Why the fuck do I feel a Wood Release ability on him? Why the fuck do I feel... Oh... OH..._

"**That's kind of disturbing,**" Kurama mused.

No one really was surprised that Danzo immediately knew that Naruto, Fuu, and Jiraiya were in the village. Spies everywhere, Tailed Beast chakra can be sensed, etc.

"Hiruzen... do you really think that a village would give us a jinchuriki? Such a thing would tip the scales and possibly start a Fourth War."

Naruto coughed. "Two jinchuriki right here, but fine. Cool, keep talking."

Danzo glared at him before returning his attention to the Third. "I propose a program in which we can be better... equipped in case of outbreaks. I," he said, motioning to himself and then to Fuu, "Will take the Nanabi for training or for extraction."

Judging from Fuu's trembling, Naruto could see- well, feel- that she was scared. And he was pissed. "God damned fool, stop treating jinchuriki like they're only worth the Tailed Beast within," he snapped at the bandaged man.

Danzo ignored him. "Well, Hiruzen? It would do well to be better prepared."

"That won't be necessary, Danzo," Hiruzen said, casting a sidelong glance at Naruto and the trembling Fuu. "Naruto-kun here is more than well-equipped to train Fuu in the training of her Tailed Beast's chakra."

Danzo growled. "She is not from this village and as such, would be a liability."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Fuu, let's go. We already got everything checked out and I don't care what Danzo tries. If he does try anything, I'll kill him." Then he and Fuu vanished courtesy of a wispy Body Flicker, leaving the four elder ninja to argue amongst themselves.

They appeared on the street, much to the surprise of some people. "All right, we need a new house. My old apartment sucks," Naruto murmured. Then he smirked to himself. "I'm jacking my dad's supposed mansion. It's much bigger and will probably have all sorts of magical trinkets you can mess around with."

"What about Tayuya?" Fuu asked, cocking her head. Yeah, Naruto had told her about Tayuya and his... pleasurable activities with other women.

Needless to say, Fuu was amused. She _did_ read a part of the perverted books Jiraiya wrote.

It was not because of Naruto's insistence. Nope. He totally did not want to do the nasty in various, kinky positions.

Some of them required extremely precise chakra control, but those Icha Icha stories are for another time.

So Naruto shrugged. "We'll drag her with us too. Now," he said, grabbing Fuu's hand and dragging her along. "Let's find us a feisty redhead."

The two walked up to Naruto's apartment. Rather than knock or unlock the door, Naruto kicked it open, causing extensive damage to the lock and to the hinges.

"What the flying fuck!" was Tayuya's response to the explosion of splinters. "Holy shit, shithead. You're back? And with some other girl? Fuu, right?"

Fuu nodded. Previously, Naruto had flashed over to where Tayuya was, surprised her, and told her about the green-haired jinchuriki.

Her only response was, "Damn, who the fuck has mint-green hair?"

After some actual face-to-face introductions between Tayuya and the new girl, Naruto told them what he wanted to do. Mainly, break into the Fourth's mansion that was filled with magical trinkets.

The Fourth was a seal master though, so his mansion was sure to be filled with traps to prevent greedy people from stealing his magical trinkets. Luckily, Naruto was also a seal master. A damn good one, too.

So he had told Tayuya to pack up her crap. Fuu's stuff was in a storage scroll Naruto had on-hand, so he went ahead to the Fourth's mansion to crack the gate open and to find the magical trinkets. Yes, he knew where the Fourth's mansion was located.

When he got there, he immediately began to exam the intricate seals engraved on the gate, bricks, and door. Hell, there were some on the windows too.

As he began cracking the seals via chakra overload in specific places, Team 8 popped up. "Oi, Naruto! What are you doing here in front of... the Fourth's mansion?"

"Cracking it open," Naruto flippantly replied. There was a thunderous boom that caused Team 8 and Kurenai to jump. Then the gate swung open as if on oiled hinges.

"Holy shit!" Kiba shouted. "Dude, this is freaking breaking and entering!"

"Yes, and I advise you to stop, Naruto," Kurenai said, walking forward.

Naruto snorted. "You couldn't stop me if you tried. I'm only claiming my damned inheritance. Fucking old man and his mansion. I don't even think he lived here."

Wait... inheritance? Shino adjusted his sunglasses in shock. Kiba's jaw dropped. Hinata tried to stop herself from fainting since Naruto could now be considered... err, suitable dating material in her dad's opinion? Son of the Fourth or something like that. The Hyuuga could be pompous assholes with a glare that could melt stone.

Kurenai raised an eyebrow. "You're the son of the Fourth?"

"Hell yeah I am. Progeny of Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namizake at your service," Naruto replied, pointing to his blond hair that was eerily reminiscent of a certain Hokage.

"Holy shit!" Kiba managed to blurt. "How the hell did we not know about this?"

Naruto shrugged. "My mom was the last of a dying clan, apparently. The Uzumaki were sealing masters like I was. How do you think I'm getting into the Fourth's house? Plus, my dad kind of wrecked the Hidden Stone's face during the last war. The Third wanted to protect me. Make sense now?"

Kiba nodded hesitantly. Naruto walked up to the door and opened it. There was a deafening clanging noise and Naruto was flung back, his body smoking. Hinata gasped at his state.

Naruto grunted to himself. "Fucking annoying seal."

"Are you all right, Naruto-kun?" Hinata said. She congratulated herself on not stuttering.

"I'm fine, but this might freak you all out."

Overpowering chakra surrounded Naruto, turning him into an amorphous, dark-red _thing_ with four solid, flailing tails. Kurenai quickly stood in front of her students, making them back away. "Naruto, what are you doing?" she yelled.

Naruto, in his initial Version Two state shrugged, although it came off looking very strange considering his lack of actual definition. "**Seal needs a dense application of Tailed Beast chakra. Specifically, ****the Nine Tails. And don't give me that look, I don't care who knows.**"

Then the Kyuubified Naruto burst forward, slamming straight into the door. There was a crack and then a shatter as the seal accepted Naruto as the Fourth's legacy before exploding. Luckily, Naruto had ditched Kurama's cloak before the shattering noise attracted additional people.

Several ANBU had been watching what was happening, but they didn't care. At all, really. In the end, ANBU were freaking useless. They never did _anything_ useful at all except for die.

Naruto smirked to himself. Fuck yeah, super mansion was his. Then he turned around to the gaping looks on Team 8 and Kurenai. "Oh, right. I'm the jinchuriki of the Nine Tailed Fox. Now that you know, ask Kurenai for more information."

He entered the mansion laughing like a mad man.

* * *

**Post Chapter A/N: Some people wanted the Hidden Mist civil war thing, but I'll do that next chapter. I ended up adding Fuu in this chapter because... I like Fuu. Get over yourselves, she has a cool design IN MY OPINION.**

**I'm not going to bother justifying a pairing. I'd do that in a more serious story. This is just shenanigans. Besides, chapter seven. Get it?**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I will not lie: I winged this. Depending on what people think, I either failed or somewhat succeeded. Cloud is next, however.**

* * *

Chapter Eight: Misty

Hiruzen Sarutobi gnashed his teeth in frustration. Damn Naruto and his rashness. Breaking and entering into the Fourth's home...

Actually, he didn't care about that too much. Naruto was much too powerful to give a damn about the Hidden Stone – he could end a war between them by himself! Revealing his status as a demon container wasn't that big of a deal either, considering the blond was exempt from the law.

Although, maybe he should rescind that law. Hiruzen knew that Naruto didn't care much at all about what people thought; it was probably a vestige from his home universe. Or timeline. Whatever.

Jiraiya had been telling him what Naruto had been up to, though. He'd ended up screwing the new Lord of the Land of Spring, as well as some random missing ninja. At least Jiraiya would have new material out fairly soon if Naruto continued supplying him with 'research'.

The Third snapped his attention back to gnashing his teeth and glaring at the council. Yes, the civilian and ninja council. He needed a bunch of people to help him with sticky decisions and having a set of old, decrepit conservative ninja didn't help at all.

Word got out that Naruto entered the Fourth's home and people got angry. Blah blah blah, demon this, blah blah blah, demon that. Fuu's appearance and Tayuya's original alignment didn't help matters at all.

People couldn't really do anything to them, though. Tayuya was all too likely to use her fists to attack civilians. Fuu wasn't likely to do anything, thank the gods, but Naruto did actually give her a set of explosive tags...

That were powerful enough to consume a small house in flames. The girl with mint-green hair had giddily accepted. Who knew she had a penchant for explosions?

Anyway, this all gave the Third a massive fucking headache, as well as massive fucking amounts of paperwork. Damned paperwork! Always piling up and piling up and piling up...

Hiruzen turned to glance at Naruto, who was also in the council meeting room.

Naruto's head was down on the table he had been given and snoring noises were coming from him. Every civilian head was glaring at the boy, while the ninja heads were imitating him.

Especially Shikaku.

"Lord Hokage, the brat over there has violated village property. I insist that the Fourth's mansion is seized and returned to the village," unnamed Naruto hater number one said.

"Denied," Hiruzen replied, sounding bored.

"Lord Hokage, you can't possibly allow the demons to stay in the Fourth's home!" unnamed Naruto hater number one shouted. Naturally, as with all Naruto haters, he was fat, short, and the head of an exceedingly wealthy chain of shops.

Hiruzen groaned to himself as more insisting echoed in the chamber. Civilians in the Hidden Leaf were dumb, stupid, and ignorant. Oh, look. They're bringing up Sasuke Uchiha. _Damn it_, Hiruzen thought. _Damn you Minato for leaving me with this idiocy!_

Unnamed Naruto hater number two decided to make his worries known. "Lord Hokage, we must kill the female demon and the demon brat over there before-" blah blah blah.

Then there was a loud yawn. Naruto raised his head, blinked a few times, and then smiled drowsily at everyone. "What's going on here guys? I was just speaking to Foxy-chan."

The sound of palm slapping head coming from the Third Hokage was incredibly loud in the council room. Everyone had been shocked to silence. Oh no, demon brat speaking to inner demon. They must be seeking to overthrow the Hidden Leaf!

Naruto's ears were suddenly assaulted by a bunch of idiotic ramblings from fat, greedy councilmen. And maybe some women, too.

Naruto could have sworn he saw a pink-haired woman nearby, but the lack of screeching made him think he was imagining things.

"Shut the fuck up!" Naruto yelled, silencing the council. "Fucking idiots. Can't even fucking argue right. You have no fucking jurisdiction over anything, so shut the fuck up."

"We are the council, demon brat! You will obey us!" Unnamed Naruto hater number three snarled. "We have the power to exile you and your little bitches, you- Urk!"

A kunai sprouted from the man's neck and he collapsed to the ground, clutching feebly at his neck as the life left his eyes. Naruto looked at everyone's shocked expressions. "What? My hand slipped," he nonchalantly said.

Somewhere, a purple-haired Special Jounin felt like cackling madly.

"Arrest him! The demon is revolting!"

"He's going to kill us all!"

"We're all making ourselves look incredibly dumb on purpose because we're the civilian council!"

Naruto gave that last speaker an odd look before releasing his Intent.

Hell yeah, Killing Intent.

Every civilian in the room fainted. The ninja heads were giving him wary looks. Naruto shrugged. "Stop giving me those looks. I do what I want."

"Are we done here?" Hiruzen said, having had a laugh from watching Naruto deal with the situation. Everyone ended up nodding and left.

"Are you going to let him get away with that?" Shikaku asked. "It's going to be troublesome to deal with it once they wake up."

Hiruzen snorted. "I believe little Naruto-kun here is powerful enough to deal with meddling merchants."

"If they jack their prices up, I'll just steal from them," Naruto replied flippantly. Everyone in the room wondered if he was serious or not.

"Why did you kill him, anyway? Not that I mind," Tsume said, cocking her head at the blond.

Naruto grinned. "Like I said, I do what I want. Conscious deliberation is fun." Then he turned tail and walked out of the room, leaving a series of highly amused ninja heads in the room.

Hiruzen groaned at the amount of paperwork that was going to be headed his way.

**VvVvV**

Naruto, having become hungry sometime during the meeting, dragged Tayuya and Fuu out to Ichiraku's for some ramen. Yeah, he still loved ramen. Everyone loved ramen. You can't _not_ love ramen.

Some people would beg to differ, but Naruto ignored them all.

"Ramen, shithead? Not that I mind, but did sitting on your ass make you that hungry?" Tayuya asked.

"Fuck yes it did," Naruto responded, plopping down on a stool in his favorite ramen stand. Tayuya and Fuu took seats on either side of him. "Yo, Ayame-chan! Give me ten big bowls of whatever."

Tayuya and Fuu placed their (smaller) orders and Ayame gave them a smile before heading off to deliver the orders to her father.

"So," Ayame began, "You're the son of the Fourth?"

"Yeah, I wonder how the village never figured it out. Spiky blond hair, blue eyes, the Kyuubi is fucking sealed in me. I swear, people get stupider every day."

"**You count as people too, you know.**"

_Shut up, Kurama._

"**I'm just sayin'."**

Ayame giggled at Naruto's response before Teuchi came out and handed the three customers their orders. Much like always, Naruto and Tayuya devoured the meals while Fuu ate at a more sedate pace.

The food was still consumed damn fast.

After finishing a bunch of bowls, Naruto sensed several chakra signatures approaching. "Heads up, my old classmates and Team Guy are coming up. I think they want answers." Naruto paused. "How the fuck do I give them answers without being an asshole?"

"You're not much of an asshole, Naruto," Fuu reassured. "I think you're quite the gentleman."

"He can be an asshole when he wants to," Tayuya quipped. "Personally, I think your ninja are a bunch of pussies. Seriously, that lazy-ass was made chunin and no one else was? Fucking stupid."

She didn't even get started on Sakura. What kind of ninja had _pink hair_?

Naruto shrugged and swiveled around in his stool as his classmates (and chunin exam comrades) entered the stand. "Yo."

Somewhere, a jounin with gravity-defying hair finally realized someone was stealing his entry phrase.

He saw them all give him apprehensive and studying looks. Naruto sighed. "All right. Meet me in Training Field... No, meet me in the entrance of the Forest of Death."

He slapped some money on the counter and grabbed Tayuya and Fuu. Before he vanished in a Body Flicker, everyone heard Tayuya say, "Don't pussy out."

Once everyone was situated at the entrance of the Forest of Death, Naruto bowed and said, "What's up?"

Kiba fidgeted for a moment before walking forward. "Are you really the Fourth's son?"

Naruto nodded, smirking at everyone's bewildered expressions.

"How come we were never told of this?" Ino asked.

Shikamaru groaned. "Ugh, the Hidden Rock. The Fourth wrecked them. If they found out he had a living son then his enemies would band together and kill him."

"**Try to kill,**" Kurama interjected, although no one heard it but Naruto and Choumei.

"The Fourth's surname was Namikaze," Neji said, folding his arms. "The surname you have is Uzumaki."

Naruto cocked his head and turned to Team 8. "Did I tell you guys this? I don't remember. My surname is from my mother, Kushina Uzumaki. I'm the heir to an extinct clan with nifty genetics."

"Like?" Chouji asked, wondering what Naruto meant. Bloodlines, perhaps?

"Storm Release, Ice Release, three elemental affinities, potent chakra, stamina, and the ability to create chakra chains." Naruto left out his other special... _ability_. That _ability_ was not something to be used commonly.

"What are chakra chains?" Shino asked, interested.

Right afterward, glowing blue chains burst from the ground and enshrouded the area, creating a barrier as demonstration before quickly disintegrating. If one looked closely enough, the chains came together to form a picture of a middle finger.

Everyone was stunned. What the fuck kind of dead-last was Naruto?

"All right, this makes no sense," Kiba remarked. "Why the hell didn't you get anything while you were in the academy? You had like... nothing!"

Naruto tapped his foot in thought before turning to Fuu. "He's the demon container of the Kyuubi," Fuu informed. "He has a Tailed Beasts sealed within him. People were afraid and ignorant, so he didn't get anything besides loneliness."

Essentially correct.

"I'm not one to dwell on such things," Naruto added.

"So the Fourth couldn't kill the Kyuubi?" Ino asked.

"Nope. Tailed Beasts can't be killed. At their core they are annoying, sentient masses of chakra." Naruto snickered to himself at the dumbfounded expressions Team 10, Guy, and Sakura had.

"The Tailed Beasts are sentient?" Sakura asked, confused. "We were always taught that-"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto interrupted, "They were mindless beasts of destruction that want to kill all humans around them, blah blah blah. But that's not quite true. Would you call summoning animals beasts of destruction if you couldn't understand what they were saying?"

They all shook their head, with the exception of Tayuya and Fuu, both of whom were already educated in such things. "Exactly. See, people believe Tailed Beasts want nothing more than to destroy us." Naruto frowned as he saw their expressions. Ooh, shock. Worldview shattered.

"So they don't want to destroy us?" Shikamaru asked warily, narrowing his eyes.

Naruto grinned widely and shook his head. "Hell no. They just want their freedom and acknowledgment. That doesn't mean they won't remain within their host. Sometimes Tailed Beasts form a good relationship with their hosts."

"But what about what happened fourteen years ago?" Chouji asked, his bag of chips being left alone. "The Kyuubi destroyed a lot of the Hidden Leaf."

"Hence my isolation, but I don't care about that. I'm not sure what happened there, but since Tailed Beasts _are_ sentient, it was likely retaliating. Remember, bunches of ninja attacked it. If someone attacked you, you wouldn't just sit there and take it, would you?"

"That is... much to digest," Shino said, adjusting his sunglasses. "The Tailed Beasts attack us because we are imprisoning them and because they resemble giant animals, we believe they are mindless."

Naruto nodded. "What about the rest of you? Tayuya-chan and Fuu-chan already know the truth, but do you accept what I have told you?"

Hinata nodded, putting on a fierce expression. Well, as fierce as she could muster. It looked hilarious, in Naruto (and Tayuya's opinion). Sakura followed, and then the rest did.

"Good." Naruto then grinned widely at them, hoping no one would notice his proceeding random topic change. "I hope you all keep working too because I always like a good fight."

He also liked crushing people's preconceptions of being invincible. Nothing like a good dose of reality to stop you from acting like a douchebag.

Neji snorted. "I am training harder than before and will advance to chunin in the upcoming exams. I will defeat you next time as well."

Tayuya burst out laughing. Neji glared at her. "That's hilarious, you pale-eyed fucker! No one can defeat shithead here."

Ino growled, not really liking the red-head's swearing. "Hey, even if he beat Kiba and Neji in the chunin exams he's still the dead-last."

The blond demon container snickered. "Yeah, I can defeat you all easily. You probably won't ever become a challenge for me. Hell, I'll fight you all right here. I'll fight to incapacitate, you can all fight to kill. It won't matter."

They'd end up bending over anyway. Maybe Naruto would have Kurama bring some wooden paddles while he was at it.

Everyone stared. "Your arrogance is most unyouthful, Naruto-kun," Lee muttered, his bushy eyebrows crinkling as he gazed at Naruto.

Deep within the recesses of Naruto's mind, Kurama shuddered. Large, furry caterpillar-brows...

"It's not arrogance if it's true," Naruto shot back. Then he frowned in thought. "Well, it might be."

Shikamaru shook his head and groaned. "Troublesome. Fighting all of us at once is a bit over your level." He didn't really see why Naruto would suddenly change the topic.

In truth, Naruto wanted them all to work even harder than they were because they were rather... underwhelming compared to their alternate counterparts. Sakura, Ino, and Hinata especially were too different as well.

They weren't that great in actuality, but the next chunin exams should determine how much harder they had been working. Hopefully, the next exams would 'fix' the personalities and quirks of Ino, Sakura, and Hinata. Two were open fangirls, while the last was a closet fangirl.

Sakura and Hinata, at least, were using their obsessions to strengthen themselves. Sakura wanted to "bring Sasuke back" and Hinata wanted to be accepted as a worthwhile heir. Ha, clan politics. Such trivialities.

In Naruto's own timeline, the Uzumaki Clan was so informal that they broke out into friendly fights almost constantly. Plus, whenever they held a party, they would always get smashed beyond belief. It was _amazing_.

Back to Hinata – Naruto was still wondering if she would ever confess to him. It takes initiative to start an actual relationship, after all. His other self probably would never have noticed it if he was as psychologically defunct as Naruto thought he was.

Most harems were defunct as well, but Naruto _is_ amazing and therefore, the harem would work. Besides, you only live once-

"**Fuck you. Say that again, motherfucker. I will **_**destroy**_** you.**"

Naruto forcefully stopped himself from continuing.

He still wanted to fight the genin all at once because it would be funny chucking them at each other, but he needed something to demonstrate strength. Launching a Tailed Beast Bomb in the middle of the village wasn't really smart, though.

Maybe Sakura would tell them what happened in the Land of Spring...

Naruto shrugged. "Fine, ask Sakura about the mission to the Land of Spring. If any of you want to take me up on a challenge, tell me. I'm going back to my huge fucking mansion."

He grabbed Tayuya and Fuu, clasped their hands, and then vanished. No one really paid that any mind since it was well-known that Tayuya had been living with Naruto.

Fuu, though... no one really knew where she had come from. Well, the Hokage and Jiraiya and some councilors did, so her demon container status might be spread fairly quickly.

Hinata glared at the spot the two girls were previously occupying. Them living in a house with her Naruto-kun? It should be her with Naruto-kun!

Obvious jealousy mode, activated. All shy girls have an extreme capacity to become jealous regarding relationships their crush chooses, right?

And then everyone decided to ask Sakura what had happened in the Land of Spring.

**VvVvV**

=Hidden Mist Village – Somewhere Near It, At Least=

"I can't see anything in this foggy wasteland!" Naruto shouted. He was incredibly annoyed. They were in a deserted town that was filled with torn down buildings and empty houses. Not that they could see that.

The Third had sent him and Jiraiya out to help the rebel faction of Mist's civil war. They were nearly done with their war, but there were certain... strongholds that couldn't be destroyed quick enough.

Apparently, the Fourth Mizukage had already been killed. Anyone who could kill a jinchuriki was cool in Naruto's books, due to how difficult it actually was.

Minus unsealing of the beast, of course.

"Calm down, brat. The rebels have some sort of underground bunker nearby. They just can't take over the Hidden Mist Village without laying siege to it. Walls are too heavily fortified. Plus, the Hokage wants to get in good with them," Jiraiya informed.

Naruto scoffed. "Fine, I'll bash something down with my Nine Tails of Fury move."

Jiraiya rolled his eyes, muttering something about 'lack of originality'. He was original, yet his so-called student wasn't. What kind of technique name was 'Nine Tails of Fury'?

After walking a bit more, they were surrounded by several ninja. Naruto could feel that they didn't really want to hurt them, as well as a lack of actual malice. So, they were rebels.

And in classic Naruto fashion, he gave them all a toothy smile and said, "Fuck yeah, rebels. Can we go to your super-secret base now?"

Everyone facefaulted.

This caused Naruto and Jiraiya to be escorted to the leader of the rebel faction, who was in some room guarded by a young swordsman with a strange sword and some dude with an eye-patch.

Naruto could have been describing her all night and then quite a bit into morning. To put it in simple terms, or rather, Naruto terms...

She was fucking sexy.

Long, ankle-length auburn hair, green eyes, fair skin, and a nice figure accentuated by the blue dress she wore. Oh, and boobs.

Naruto could practically smell the perversity coming off of Jiraiya.

"**That's you, dumbass**," Kurama supplied. Naruto mentally scowled. The pervert had had a longer time than he had to control himself! It wasn't his fault that Mei Terumi had those astonishingly amazing breasts!

Mei gave them both an eye-smile. "First of all, I'd like to thank the Hidden Leaf for sending you, Lord Jiraiya, as well as..." She trailed off, looking at Naruto meaningfully.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki," the blond said, attempting in vain not to continue admiring Mei's body.

However, if she was annoyed, Mei didn't show it. She smiled at him too. "An Uzumaki? My, my... that's impressive. Do you have their bloodline as well?"

In response, Naruto created an electrified ice crystal in his palm before letting it return to its previous gaseous state. Mei raised an eyebrow, impressed. She didn't sense any chakra imbuing that, oddly enough. "Since you have a bloodline, you must be sympathetic to our cause..."

"Yes, the Hidden Leaf in general is very sympathetic in your cause, but we had been recovering from our own catastrophe. It is only now that our Hokage has deemed it fit to help out your plight, especially since it is nearing completion," Jiraiya explained.

Mei nodded thoughtfully. "We do not want to siege our home village, but we can't get over the walls. Even though Yagura has been dealt with, the anti-bloodline faction seems to be holding on to what little power they have left."

"So you just want us to blow through a giant wall? I fucking called it, Pervy Sage," Naruto said, smirking at his godfather. Said godfather groaned, reached into a pocket, and handed Naruto some money.

"Us? I was assuming Jiraiya would help us break their defenses while you would provide support."

Naruto snorted. "Yeah? I'd love to see the old man next to me keep up with my firepower."

The guy with the eye-patch – Ao, Naruto realized – muttered something about disrespect towards elders. It was ignored by everyone in the room.

Mei gave Naruto an odd look. "You have more firepower than Lord Jiraiya? You're only a teenager." A well-built teenager, but a teenager nonetheless.

Jiraiya snickered. "This brat here has more firepower than anyone I've seen. Honestly, the only reason he doesn't leave the Hidden Leaf is because he's giving me..." Jiraiya coughed and began to giggle perversely. Mei sighed as she noticed the red tint on his face.

"Yeah, and I get some of the cuts when you release your damn book. Hell, I already agreed to do a scene with Koyuki because she won't do it with anyone else!" Naruto said, glaring at his perverted godfather.

Naruto just knew that his godfather would skimp on the money. He just _knew_.

Mei raised a single eyebrow at that. He was only fourteen and yet, he was giving the great Lord Jiraiya (whose books were well-known) research material. "I find that... hard to believe, but we will see if you can live up to that."

"Do I get a prize if I do?" Naruto asked, smirking at Mei's figure.

The swordsman nearby fumed, but didn't do anything.

Mei returned the smirk. "Maybe... we'll just have to see, won't we?"

After some more banter, Mei led Jiraiya and Naruto out to where the village could be seen. Misty, foggy, dreary. Naruto hated it already. Still, he would blow the walls up regardless. If not for Mei Terumi, than for the simple pleasure of blowing something up sky-high.

"That," Mei said, gesturing to the giant fucking wall in front of the village, "Is what we cannot get through. It is surrounded by rocky outcroppings and we can't exactly infiltrate the village. Too many of their forces. How are you going to get through that?"

Jiraiya had an idea. He turned to Naruto, "You're not going to blast it, are you?"

No answer, only a devious grin.

"Oh fuck, you're going to blast it, aren't you?"

Jiraiya groaned to himself and turned to Mei. "You might want to back up a bit. Maybe hide your eyes from the flash, too."

Mei frowned. "Flash?"

Then there was a sudden increase in pressure throughout the area, causing Jiraiya and Mei to begin to sweat. In Naruto's place was a blood-red, amorphous _thing_ with four tails. The thing reared up and slammed its front two arms into the ground as anchors.

Two types of chakra appeared before fusing and twisting. The sphere began to grow bigger, bigger, and even bigger. It kept growing until it was several times the thing's size.

Then it shrunk. Jiraiya and Mei, as well as several other ninja had to get out of the area to avoid the crushing pressure. Version Two Naruto's face-mask thing cracked open and he swallowed the ball. Then the body expanded...

"**Everybody loves lasers, motherfuckers!**"

Pew, pew.

Mei realized why Jiraiya wanted everyone to hide their eyes. From Naruto's mouth erupted a wide, bright beam of energy that utterly obliterated everything in front of them. The force released was enough to cause the winds to kick up and displace much dust that had been settled around the area.

When the brightness of the blast faded, it revealed a huge, quarter-mile wide deep trench that extended quite a bit forward. A large portion of the walls had been completely destroyed, too.

Mei's jaw dropped. For some unbelievable reason, the blast radius hadn't even reached the village. What control!

The blood-red amorphous blob grunted as it returned to its previous size. "**Not even full power... Ugh, stupid village. I wish Yagura was still alive. I've always wanted to fight him**..." Naruto trailed off as everyone stared at him. The blazing cloak of demonic chakra vanished and the blond stood up, cracking his back as he did so.

Then he grinned cheekily at Mei. "Do I get a prize?"

Mei smirked at him. "I think I have something in mind..." Then her smirk vanished. "We still need to clear the village."

"Wait, let me do that. I have a special technique that can find people with negative intentions," Naruto explained.

"Oh, really? Care to demonstrate it?" Mei asked, not really believing what Naruto was saying. Getting across a sensor's worst limitation was dubious at best. Not even Ao could do it.

Then Naruto's body began to glow a flashy yellow, complete with odd black symbols lining his body. "I missed this state. So much fun to use," he remarked, grinning at everyone's befuddled expressions.

Then he cloned himself, sending out a series of clones to each rebel group. "Well? What are we waiting for? Let's get the fuck out and get going."

Everyone wholeheartedly agreed.

Naturally, with emotion-sensing and intention-sensing and bullshit-sensing, the Hidden Mist was reclaimed shortly. Most of the civilians didn't give a damn and only wanted out of the idiotic regime that used to be Yagura's.

Naruto still didn't believe Yagura would kill random bloodline users. Fucking idiotic – if he was a freaking Kage, he would realize the usefulness of those users!

The blond put it out of his head. He had a prize to collect, after all.

**VvVvV**

Jiraiya had helped punt idiots out of the Hidden Mist via toad kick-ass. Everyone else simply had Naruto point out where people were hiding and kick them out too.

Needless to say, with the Hidden Mist captured, the civil war was over. Mei, as leader of the rebel faction, was selected to be the new Mizukage.

She had Naruto and Jiraiya's support for identical reasons – they liked her body. Of course, Jiraiya had realized that she wanted to give Naruto a 'prize' and, in a bout of his ordinary genius, decided to spy on them.

Mei had taken the young blond somewhere and Jiraiya was intent on finding out where. His nasal cavity was already leaking blood as he thought about the 'prize' the Mizukage was going to give him.

He already had amazing inspiration! An older, still deliciously sexy woman wanting to get into some young teenager's pants! It was glorious! He would be known as Lord Jiraiya the amazing as he shattered taboo regarding age everywhere!

Not quite. Naruto, although being fourteen, was still a ninja and therefore, an adult. His age would probably not do much at all, especially considering how much he had altered his body via demonic chakra.

He had wanted to grow taller. In fact, he was about five foot, eight inches at the moment. Plus, he had ditched his hideous track suit. Who in their right mind would wear such a thing? It was great for proving how amazing he was, but it made women run away.

And that would never do.

So, Naruto was wearing black ninja pants, black sandals, and dark blue muscle shirt, and his green chunin vest. His forehead protector was strapped to his right bicep, allowing his sun-yellow hair to fall freely.

It looked a hell of a lot better than before, in Jiraiya's opinion. He had found the two in a hallway of the Mizukage Tower. They weren't doing anything... yet.

Jiraiya had to hold back a perverse giggle as the two conversed. All sorts of dirty talk ran through the perverted sage's head. The man brought out a notebook and began to write at a freakish speed.

This next book would be utterly dedicated to his godson. So many scenes! So much inspiration!

Another giggle.

He watched as the new Mizukage gave him a kiss on the cheek and then accepted a scroll he handed her.

Then he smacked her ass and they parted ways.

Jiraiya facefaulted in disappointment.

"You weren't spying on us, were you?" Naruto asked, having appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

Jiraiya quickly recomposed himself and nodded gleefully. "If only she had gone all the way... it would've been such a scene!" the man said, tears beginning to flow from his eyes.

Naruto snorted. "Even though she's two inches taller than me, she wants me to wait until I'm sixteen before we actually go all the way. She says she'd be too much for me to handle now. She also told me what happened to two people I was familiar with." Naruto frowned at that. That scroll he had given her had, unfortunately, been incinerated in the ambush.

Sometimes he had the worst luck possible. Well, other people had the worst luck possible. Sometimes Kurama thought Naruto stole everyone else's luck and used it for himself. If Tsunade was the legendary sucker, then what was Naruto?

Jiraiya snapped out of his funk and grinned lecherously, ignoring the latter part of Naruto's explanation. "Oh, really? Well, you'll have to remind me when you take her up on that offer..."

Naruto rolled his eyes and sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Anyway, we're done here. Where to next?"

Jiraiya entered serious-mode and took out a scroll from some random pocket. "...We're heading to Cloud. They have two definite jinchuriki there."

Naruto's face brightened. "Fuck yes. The jinchuriki here are dead and missing and I want to see the faces on the other ones when they realize I'm a beast."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Well then, we better get going. We need to do some negotiations with Cloud, anyway."

And so the two perverts set off towards the Hidden Cloud.

What could happen there?

* * *

**And Mist is finished. Sorry, no Yagura. I have something in mind for the Sanbi though.**

**I also recently watched the Blood Prison Naruto movie. What a depressing ending. It's also fairly annoying how stupid the writers make Naruto out to be... But because I liked it, I'm adding Ryuuzetsu to the harem. Classy, I know.  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Have fun reading this latest piece of mediocrity.**

* * *

Chapter Nine: Cloudy with a Chance of Jinchuriki

Tayuya groaned as the morning rays of sunshine hit her in the face. She curled deeper into the blankets and held onto her chosen pillow tighter. Oddly enough, the pillow was quite warm, causing her to clutch it closer to herself.

Then she felt the steady thump of a heartbeat. She also felt a second presence behind her. Her eyes shot open and she came face to face with the sleepy, dopey face of Naruto Uzumaki, his ever-present smirk aimed directly at her.

She blushed a bright red and kicked the blond away from her, sending him sailing out of the bed and onto the carpet below.

Next to her, Fuu stirred, wondering what had woken her up.

Tayuya's shriek caused half of the Hidden Leaf's population to wake up at once.

**VvVvV**

=Somewhere in the Land of Lightning=

"Are we fucking there yet?" Naruto grumbled, extremely irritated that his godfather wouldn't let him just flash them both over to Cloud. In this timeline, his father had quite a few of his special kunai lying about, which _could_ be used as shortcuts...

Only Jiraiya didn't want him doing so. So Naruto decided to be deferential, which wasn't really how he normally acted.

"Are you ever going to stop swearing like an immature teenager?" Jiraiya asked, giving his godson a glance.

"Technically, I _am_ an immature teenager," Naruto retorted. It was true, after all.

"Yeah, but considering where you originally were from... couldn't you show some, I don't know... responsibility? Maturity, maybe? It's like someone gave a fresh genin an infinite source of power and let them run around like a chicken with its head cut off."

"I hate acting serious, though. I acted like that much too often back in my own timeline. I'm thrust into an alternate one in which absolutely no one is strong enough to contain or match me and I can do whatever I want, so I'm going to do whatever I want. It's not like I'm doing anything bad, right?" Naruto said.

"The thing is, I don't really want to find out how much havoc you can cause." Seriously, Jiraiya sometimes thought Naruto would cause the Fourth Great War either inadvertently... or completely on purpose, just for shits and giggles.

"You know, I'm tempted to head into the Hidden Rock just because of that," Naruto replied, a grin forming on his face. "Seriously, I could just walk in there screaming 'I'm the son of the Yellow Flash, please try and kill me' while using Flying Thunder God. Imagine how funny that would be!"

"Yeah, because that would be hilarious to all the people who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the encounters with your old man," Jiraiya deadpanned. If anything, Naruto's grin grew wider at that. "At least cut down on your swearing."

"Fine, I'll _try_ to cut down on my swearing," Naruto replied, frowning slightly. Swearing was so much fun, even if it made him look like some idiot loudmouth teenager... which he technically would be at the moment.

"Good. I don't want the ladies to know I'm researching them when you come around," Jiraiya said. He started to drool at the images his mind was producing...

"I'm still going to pick a fight with Cloud's jinchuriki."

Jiraiya face-faulted at that.

The next day, the gate's of the Hidden Cloud came into view. Naruto and Jiraiya entered Cloud after some identification. In the shadows, Cloud's specific ANBU force was watching just in case they tried anything.

If they did, it wouldn't really matter though.

Naruto and Jiraiya walked to where the Raikage's office was and entered before sitting in a waiting room. The secretary, a dark-skinned woman with green eyes and light gray hair, told them to sit down and wait for their appointment.

Ultimately, Jiraiya ended up being called in and left Naruto behind, saying that he didn't want the blond to screw anything up.

Scowling, Naruto was forced to sit down in a nearby chair as the secretary continued on her paperwork. There wasn't anything to do at all, so Naruto decided to try for a conversation. "So, what's your name?" he asked.

The woman gave him a glance and then decided to ignore him, deeming her work to be more important than talking to some chunin from the Hidden Leaf.

Naruto frowned at being ignored. Oh well. She was the Raikage's secretary, so she had more important things to do.

Mabui blinked. The blond teenager that had asked for her name was suddenly right next to the door that allowed entrance to the Raikage's room. His ear was against the door and he had an expression of concentration on his face.

Then it turned to anger.

And then, finally, amusement. And it remained on amusement.

Mabui would have yelled at the boy, but his expression was hilarious. It looked like a little baby fox and his odd whisker-marks accentuated the whole thing.

Wait, whisker-marks? If the history regarding the Gold and Silver Brothers meant anything, than those usually meant a connection to the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox.

He was from the Hidden Leaf, which was where the Kyuubi was last sighted... Ah, jinchuriki. That made sense. She could sense his unbelievably massive chakra reserves quite easily, despite it being actively suppressed.

What made her nervous was that the reserves felt larger than Yugito's. Hell, they felt larger than Bee's, even thought hey were being suppressed!

"Could you stop that, please?" Mabui asked, glaring at Naruto.

Naruto turned to her, his look of amusement fading and a questioning one replacing it. "Stop what? Stop trying to listen in?" Mabui nodded. "Hell no, I need to know if I'm getting ripped by Jiraiya. Bastard perverted sage always lies to me one way or another."

"Lord Jiraiya rips people off?" Mabui asked, genuinely surprised. She knew the man was eccentric, but his power and status _demanded_ respect.

Naruto gave her an odd look. "Are you surprised? Why are you surprised? He writes pornographic novels, you know."

Mabui had the decency to look embarrassed at that. Naruto caught on just then. "I don't believe it. Another woman who reads his works? Oh man, wait 'till the Raikage finds out he has a perverted secretary!" Naruto cackled in glee at this new bit of information.

Mabui flushed. "Stop that, you annoying teenager!" Then she stopped. "Wait, what do you mean another woman?"

"Oh, there's a certain girl I know who reads his series. She has the strangest hair color, but she's still easy on the eyes." He was referring to a certain jinchuriki who always asked him to try out interesting positions whenever she was in the mood. "She also has a tendency to use the novels to... _inspire_ herself whenever she's bored."

Mabui blushed that time. Why was he telling her this? Why was she embarrassed? "Well, I suppose that information should be private," Mabui ground out, still trying to sort her emotions out.

Naruto knew that. It was just fun teasing the lady. It was his self-appointed job, after all.

"**No, I appointed you that job. Stop giving yourself credit where it isn't due,**" Kurama interjected.

_Doesn't count!_ Naruto shot back. "Anyway, Secretary-lady: do you know anywhere I could go to get something to eat? Jiraiya takes his sweet time doing whatever it is he does, so I need some food."

Mabui gave him her actual name so Naruto wouldn't call her 'Secretary-lady', some instructions and then declined his proceeding invitation to lunch. Really, she was probably years older than him. Why was he inviting her out to lunch?

Naruto left the lightly blushing lady alone, mentally laughing to himself at her various reactions to his questions. Then he headed out of the tower and towards a ramen stand.

Fuck yeah, ramen.

So he ate his lunch in peace and then heard some arguing. Then he sensed the tell-tale signs of a jinchuriki. Naruto finished his ramen and then headed outside, turning towards the source of the arguing.

He saw a red-haired kunoichi yelling at a guy with short white hair, dark skin, and a... sucker in his mouth. The last member of the group was a blonde kunoichi with a very sizable bust. All three of them had swords.

"**So, you smell that?**" Kurama asked. "**These ninja have Gyuuki's feel on them. The jinchuriki has probably interacted with them quite often. What are you going to do?**"

_How angry do you think I could get the kunoichi?_

"**That depends on how you act... you're going to act like an asshole, aren't you**?"

_Well, I've been an ass for quite a while... do you think they would interrogate me if I asked?_

Kurama snorted. "**You're not really a prisoner of war**."

_Yeah, but according to Jiraiya, Cloud likes their seduction techniques._

In Naruto's mind, Kurama shrugged. "**You can try. I don't think they'll do so since Jiraiya is here and the Raikage would stop it before anything could happen.**"

So Naruto walked up to the three Cloud ninja since the 'angry women' technique was something he'd try somewhere else. Maybe in the Hidden Rock if he went there. "Why are you yelling at your teammate?" he asked.

The redhead turned her angry glare on him. "Why do you care why I'm yelling at this idiot here?"

Naruto cocked his head. "Generally, a team doesn't work so well when one member yells at another."

"Why are you asking?" the blonde with the very modest bust asked.

Naruto shrugged. "Why not? I like butting into other conversations. It gives me different views. Plus, I'm bored out of my mind. Cloud is so boring when there's no one else to speak with."

"**Gee, thanks**," Kurama sarcastically said.

Naruto ignored the fox.

"You're from the Leaf," the blonde kunoichi noted. "Why are you in Cloud?"

"I'm here with my godfather. He kicked me out when the Raikage called him. Stupid, perverted old fool. I had nothing to do since Mabui made me stop bothering her." Naruto chuckled to himself at Mabui's reactions towards him.

"Why would you bother the secretary?" the white-haired ninja asked. "You could have been distracting her from her work. What if when you distracted her she overlooked a certain detail in the paperwork which then caused the Raikage to lose favor and be assassinated?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Naruto asked, giving the shinobi an amused expression. "I over-think things as much as the next guy, but there's a line that you've clearly crossed."

"Yeah, that's Omoi for you," the redhead said. "Why do you think I was yelling at him? He does this _all the time_."

"You never know what could happen, Karui," the now-named Omoi muttered.

"So you're Karui and you're Omoi," Naruto muttered pointing at the redhead and white-haired guy respectively. Then he looked at the blonde kunoichi. "I have absolutely no idea who you are."

"My name is Samui," she introduced. "What is your name? You haven't introduced yourself."

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, harbinger of destruction." At their deadpan looks Naruto snorted. "Fine, don't believe me. No one ever does and then I make them eat their words and buy me ramen."

"I thought the Uzumaki were all dead," Samui inquired, looking at Naruto with renewed interest. She was particularly interested in the whisker-marks on his face.

"Most of them are dead, but I guess a small amount are still alive," Naruto said. "Powerful bloodlines do have a tendency of staying alive."

"**Say that to Haku. I swore you stole her luck**," Kurama murmured.

_Stop making me feel bad. Damn Flying Thunder God seals. Should modify them so that they notify me when someone's in danger_.

"You have a bloodline?" Karui asked, raising an eyebrow. Cloud's intelligence already had information on the more prominent bloodlines Leaf had, so what did this blond teenager have?

"Yep, Ice Release, Storm Release, three affinities, and potent chakra," Naruto informed. "And no, I won't defect to Cloud."

Omoi snickered. Karui smirked. Samui rolled her eyes. "Yes, because we want to cause a war with the Hidden Leaf, right?" the blonde kunoichi said. Her neutral tone still seemed to be sarcastic.

"Do you know of any other Uzumaki?" Karui asked, wondering if the whisker-marks Naruto had on his face were part of the clan's features.

"Nope. As far as I know, I'm the only one who has the name. Being the heir to an extinct clan sounds like a lot of fun," Naruto said. Nagato didn't count. Nope, not at all.

Karui snorted. "It would be, for you."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked, giving the redhead a strange look. "Are you implying that having an extinct clan is supposed to be a fun prospect?" He was teasing her, but the look of embarrassment on her face amused him greatly.

Karui waved her hands defensively. "No, no! It's just that you have free reign with the Clan Restoration Act."

"...What?" Naruto stared at her for a moment. "That thing actually exists? Here I thought it was just a joke thrown around for my old Uchiha buddy."

"It's an old law for when the villages were still looking for power," Omoi explained. "The Hidden Leaf doesn't use it anymore since they say they're the strongest, but we use it."

"Is it voluntary or forced? Apparently you guys tried to kidnap a Hyuuga heiress some years ago. Did that have anything to do with it?" Naruto asked. Seriously, Clan Restoration Act? Did this timeline have any actual rights?

"**You consider yourself a weapon,**" Kurama rumbled, finding Naruto's thoughts to be funny.

_That's because I have you sealed in me. If I can make big explosions, I'm a weapon_, Naruto asserted.

"It's voluntary. If it was forced, villages would have trouble with loyalty," Karui said. "Did you really think that ninja could force non-loyal ninja to produce suitable offspring with bloodlines? They'd kill themselves or something before anything useful could be granted with it."

"Yeah, but you guys tried to kidnap the unmarked Hyuuga female when she was three. Brain-washing, anyone?" Naruto argued.

"If the attempt did work, then it would've garnered us war and then our efforts would not have been quite so well received," Samui explained.

"All right, so the Clan Restoration Act entitles me to have a legitimate harem?" Naruto asked.

"Well, if you want to you can, especially considering how powerful you say your bloodline is," Karui replied.

Naruto shrugged. "I've already had some fun with quite a few kunoichi. I can keep going and going..."

This startled Karui and Samui while Omoi snickered. He had already... done that before? Normally, they would just see it as classic male bravado, but the blond did have a bloodline...

"You can keep going and going?" Karui dryly asked. "Sounds like you're stroking your ego."

In response, Naruto pointed to his whisker-marks while giving them a foxy smile. "I hope you all recognize these. Here's a hint: they're not clan markings."

Karui and Omoi looked confused while realization dawned on Samui's face. "Ah, ice queen over here has got it. Stop looking at me like that, you have no energy at all," Naruto said, referring to the neutral tone Samui had been using.

Naruto waited for the other two to get it. He waited for ten seconds... thirty seconds... one minute... okay, they weren't going to get it. Naruto sighed. "I'm the-"

Then he noticed a rapidly incoming chakra signature that resembled... "**It's the jinchuriki of Matatabi,**" Kurama informed.

"Why are you three just talking with an unmonitored Leaf shinobi?" another blonde kunoichi asked. She was taller than Samui and had a more modest bust. "State your name and official business here." She fixed Naruto with a wary look.

"I'm unmonitored?" Naruto asked with genuine surprise. Had the old pervert convinced the Raikage to keep prying eyes off of him?

"Yes. Now, state your name and business." The kunoichi was in serious-mode for the moment.

"It's all right, Lady Yugito," Karui said, beginning to explain the situation. "He's here with his godfather who's with the Raikage. He was just exploring our village."

Yugito frowned. "Did you not take into account possible espionage?"

Naruto scoffed. "Yeah, if I wanted something I'd get it. My bright blond hair is very helpful in that way."

Yugito glared at him for his sarcasm. "Regardless, an unmonitored jinchuriki is a threat to Cloud's security."

Karui and Omoi both slapped their faces at how they missed Naruto's ridiculous chakra capacity. Both of them suddenly realized why the whisker-marks were on his face. Kyuubi reference, anyone?

"Oh yeah? I have a better idea: I fight you for free reign in Cloud. Actually, if I win can I take you on a date?" Naruto grinned at their expressions. Omoi's jaw was slack, Karui was slightly fuming, and Samui appeared crestfallen.

Yugito just looked pissed. "I would destroy you in a fight. You're coming with me."

"I hope not. I last much longer than that," Naruto cheekily replied. Then Yugito got pissed and attempted to punch him in the gut. He deftly caught her wrist before it made contact and then pushed her away. "This is attempted assault you know!" he yelled.

Yugito growled. "You're disturbing the peace in a non-allied village. If anything, you're at fault."

"Are you really going to apprehend him in the middle of this street? People are looking at us," Samui commented offhandedly. Karui nodded sagely and Omoi popped another sucker into his mouth.

"You can try to apprehend me in a training ground or something, but it won't make much difference." Naruto shrugged. "You're going to lose anyway. No one's powerful enough to beat me."

"You're a jinchuriki with a bloodline... that's not unbeatable," Karui said.

"It's not the bloodline or whatever is sealed within the person," Naruto said, smirking at Yugito. "It's how much work you put in. I busted my ass to master my techniques and skills. If you still want to take me into custody, you'll have to catch me first."

"I'm going to make you eat your words," Yugito said, tensing her body.

Naruto sighed and shook his head. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked you out on a date... then again, you might need it. You seem really high-strung."

Naruto took off running as Yugito's anger finally caught up to her. A blond, teenage boy pissing her off this much? Shameful. Ninja, especially jinchuriki, were supposed to have control of their emotions.

But, if Naruto excelled at anything, it would be annoying people. Or pissing them off. Either one would work.

Samui, Karui, and Omoi ended up following them. It wasn't that difficult considering that Naruto was headed directly outside of Cloud. He was also running in a blisteringly fast straight line. He was running so fast that even Yugito had trouble following him!

The guards ended up not calling for backup when Karui explained the situation to them- from her own point of view, of course.

Once they were a distance away from Cloud, Naruto abruptly turned on his heel to face an extremely irritated Yugito. "Are we far enough now? Yep, we're far enough now." Naruto nodded to himself.

At this point, Yugito was wondering how much stamina the jinchuriki in front of her had. In fact, she was wondering why the hell no one was backing her up. She heard footsteps and saw Samui, Karui, and Omoi approach. All three of them started to pant from the exertion of nonstop, super-speedy running.

"Wow, tired already?" Naruto questioned, raising an eyebrow. "I sure hope you two aren't domineering or anything like that under the covers."

Samui and Karui blushed, much to Yugito's confusion. What the fuck? She sighed to herself. "Why did you lead us on a wild goose chase? This would've been so much easier if you just gave yourself up."

"What, not angry anymore?"

"No, I'm still going to hurt you for being an annoying little brat." Yugito frowned as Naruto burst out laughing. "What's so funny?"

Naruto's shoulders were still shaking with mirth as he shook his head. "Well, it's the fact that you're going to be taken out on a date by an annoying brat when I'm done with you. Maybe I'll let Samui and Karui come afterward, too."

Yugito sprang forward, her right hand outstretched in a knife-strike to Naruto's neck. Naruto slapped the strike away before grabbing Yugito's left wrist. Then he jerked it to his right, causing her to lose balance.

However, Nibi's jinchuriki wasn't a jounin for no reason. As she fell forward, she used her free hand to land on the ground and flip herself into the air, causing Naruto to lose his grip on her wrist. As she turned upright in the air, she ran through some seals before a whip of blue flame appeared on the rosary around her arm.

With her whip of fire, she sent it out towards Naruto, the blue flames hissing and popping as they made contact with the rocky ground of the mountain they were on. As the whip approached Naruto and began to elongate around him, the air around the blond jinchuriki rippled.

The whip of flames was suddenly cut into pieces by accurate blades of wind created from the vibration in air molecules around Naruto. Then he vibrated the molecules in the air once more, sending ripples towards Yugito.

Yugito was hit by the first barrage and sent flying. She landed in a crouch and took a slow breath to test for any injuries. Her body might have only been bruised, but the attack still hurt. Naruto whistled from his position. "You even land like a cat? That's pretty cool. Do you purr like them too?"

Yugito groaned to herself. Damned cat jokes. At least Nibi wasn't affecting her in... other ways. Then she flipped through a series of seals and reared her hand back is a spear of crackling electricity formed in it. She threw the thing at Naruto, not really expecting it to hit with his mastery of wind chakra.

She did not expect him to cackle wildly and release electrically charged needles from his mop of blond hair. Seriously, his hair began to crackle and elongate in a rapid manner before launching electrical senbon that broke her spear and continued onward.

"**I like this guy,**" Matatabi said, finally deciding to comment on the battle.

_What? Shut up! He's annoying as hell!_

"**He's also much more powerful than you,**" the Nibi chided. Yugito growled to herself as she evaded the electrically ranged attack and closed the distance between them. Naruto laughed as she engaged him in hand-to-hand combat.

Pfft, no one can beat Naruto in a straight-up fistfight. It just doesn't work that way.

Naruto blocked Yugito's roundhouse kick with his forearm and grabbed it. Not to be thrown again, Yugito used her other leg's muscles to spring up and kick him in the jaw, causing him to let go of her leg. The blonde landed on her back and kipped up, rushing forward once more.

This time, she went for a one-two punch aimed at his kidney. Naruto decided to mess with her and slapped the first punch from her right fist away and pivoted into her guard, barely avoiding the punch from her left fist. Then he kissed her square on the lips and backpedaled away from the shocked jounin.

It wasn't even that difficult. He was about her height due to the augmentations his demon had been ministering (his other self had been ridiculously malnourished).

He glanced over at the three Cloud ninja who had been watching him. Oddly enough, Samui and Karui looked... jealous? Maybe it wasn't that odd, considering how kunoichi generally tended to like him.

Then he glanced back at Yugito, whose face was flushing with rage. This time, when she ran at him, she entered her full Nibi form, blue flames and all.

Naruto considered his options as the gigantic, blazing cat charged him. "Eh, Nibi might give her some weird kinks."

Glowing chains that seamlessly blended into Naruto's clothed back burst out and entered the ground. As the Nibi-Yugito approached, chains erupted from the ground and batted the cat, causing it to hiss and snarl.

Eventually, one of the chains wrapped around its legs, causing it to stumble and fall on its face. The long trench it gouged was pretty impressive. With chakra chains wrapping around its body, the Tailed-Beast chakra dissipated, leaving a chagrined Yugito lying stomach-first on the ground. She was completely bound by the chains.

"Wow, that's pretty kinky," Naruto mused. "Think you'll show me that behind closed doors?"

"Damn you!" Yugito bit out. "Even Nibi told me not to fight you. What the hell are you?"

Samui, Karui, and Omoi all raised an eyebrow. The cat sealed within Yugito told her not to fight Naruto? Why?

"Well," Naruto replied, leaning down to her bound form, "I'm kind of from an alternate timeline with super-powerful jutsu. Oh, and I'm the successor of the Sage of the Six Paths."

Everyone stared at him. Naruto sighed to himself. "Yeah, no one believes me. It makes my life so terrible..." Fake tears streamed down his face before he sensed another chakra signature nearby.

"**Oh hey, it's Gyuuki. Should I use my unexplained Tailed-Beast telepathy magic?**"

_Nah, I want to use your power. Eight-tails, maybe Nine-tails? I don't know. It would be funny seeing the guy absolutely wrecked for no good reason at all._

"**Comedy?**" Kurama offered.

_How is that even funny? Crushing a man's spirit and everything..._

"**Well, when you're using that much power you're kind of acknowledging him as a powerful opponent. I don't even think you could defeat him without using some of my chakra,**" Kurama replied.

_Bah, full-powered Tailed-Beasts. It was annoying when Nagato did it way back when,_ Naruto mentally thought.

"Yo, yo! I have an annoying characterization with my terrible rapping tendencies! What are you doing to Yugito and my students, fool, ya fool?"

Naruto's jaw dropped at the large, dark-skinned, muscular man that was wearing sunglasses. His rapping ability made Naruto want to kill him right then and there. Too bad he couldn't. He wasn't that heartless.

It was still a damn good reason though. "You suck at rapping," Naruto deadpanned. Bee ignored the jab to his... 'profession'.

Oh, and his appearance was completely coincidental. There weren't outside forces at work. Nope, not at all.

Naruto frowned at Bee's ready stance. "Go bother the Raikage or something, Hachibi-guy."

"Lord Hachibi is going to help his students and Lady Yugito because I'm the Killer Bee! Wheee! More generic and horrifyingly bad rapping!" Bee said, dancing in place. A beat from somewhere echoed throughout the area.

Naruto's eye twitched. _Jam the signatures_, he told Kurama.

"**Got it,**" the fox responded.

Then Naruto entered his Version Two jinchuriki state. Four solid tails connected to his tailbone swished behind his back. The sudden pressure in the area caused Samui, Karui, and Omoi to back off. Yugito, the chains binding her having disintegrated, followed them.

There was no way in hell they were getting in a battle between Bee and another jinchuriki. That was asking for disaster. And pain, but mostly disaster.

"**Bee,**" the Hachibi rumbled, "**The demon sealed within this jinchuriki isn't the one that was released from the Juubi**."

"What? That's not possible, ya nut!" Bee responded, confused as to what his demon was saying.

"**Fine, just be careful. Let's try to see what's going on with it.**"

Bee entered his own Version Two state, only he had six tails behind him and a set of armor-like bones on his blood-red body.

The other four Cloud ninja who had been observing the events paled. "Oh man, this is bad," Omoi muttered. "Looks like this jinchuriki has power over his demon too."

"Nibi is saying that the Kyuubi sealed within him is different than the one it recognizes," Yugito said, wondering what the fiery cat meant.

Then both Version Two jinchuriki ran at each other, the ground underneath them shattering with each step they took. Since they were both essentially covered in invincible chakra armor, they bounced off of each other when they made contact, but not before releasing a resounding _boom_ that caused the ground to crack and fall away beneath them.

They both landed on their feet. Version Two Naruto shook his head. "**Fucking bone armor. Remind me not to do a head-on run again.**"

Bee charged again, leaving a wake of destruction behind him. This time, Naruto held his ground and grew an additional two tails, as well as manifesting his own skeleton. With his feet digging into the rocky ground, Naruto withstood Bee's charge and wrapped the Kyuubi's chakra tails around Bee's Version Two state.

"**This'll teach you to run at me like an idiot, you damn stupid rapper!**" Naruto growled out, pushing Bee back slowly but surely.

Kurama was laughing in Naruto's head when she saw the expression on Version Two Bee's face. It looked hilarious, really. A blood-red face that looked more like an amorphous _thing_ capable of facial expressions?

Then there was a boom and Version Two Naruto was thrown away as the Hachibi, in its super-beast glory was unleashed upon the world. Naruto stared the giant weird animal beast thing that looked like a blend between an ox and an octopus. "**Kind of overkill, don't you think?**" Naruto asked.

Then the giant weird animal beast thing... _danced_, and then began to rap. "**Fool, ya fool! Lord Hachibi's told me to use this to see if we can turn you into a blood pool!**"

Everyone sweat-dropped. Oh god, the rapping. The horrifyingly bad rapping and characterization.

No one from Cloud saw the Hachibi, though; they were too far away for that. That should work, right?

No one sensed the Tailed-Beast chakra because fuck yeah, overpowered signature jamming. It also stopped Zetsu from spying on them because Kurama willed it. In Naruto's opinion, the plant thing didn't even ever make sense, nor was it ever explained just how he came to be.

"You know, is it weird if I'm thinking that Bee won't be able to kill Naruto?" Yugito asked.

"Maybe," Samui conceded. "He did handily defeat you, after all."

"Bah, he caught me at a bad time," Yugito said, looking away.

"At least he's taking you out tonight," Karui said dreamily. Then she caught herself and blushed before pinching her arm.

Yugito groaned, not liking the prospect of being taken out to eat by a boy several years her junior. "Do I have to?"

"Considering he looks older than he is, you should take him up on it. It's not like any other guy wants to go out with you. You know, ridiculous urges and all," Karui commented.

Yugito's face reddened. "Shut up, that's not my fault! It's this damn cat that gives me these insatiable cravings!"

"Well, he's a jinchuriki like you and he's not Bee-sensei, so..." Omoi trailed off as Samui and Karui glared at him. He didn't really think he had a part of his conversation.

"Omoi's right though," Samui said. "His stamina would be able to keep up with any woman, including you... and us..." Samui blushed and a drop of blood fell out of her nose.

Yugito, Karui, and Omoi stared. Maybe Karui would have that reaction, but Samui? Who knew that the ice queen would be a closet pervert?

Then they turned their eyes back to the battle as a hail of rocks from the nearby mountain covered Naruto's Version Two form. The giant ox-octopus thing folded its arms and nodded twice.

Then eight raw-looking red tails burst from the ground, followed by a pair of claws that pulled out a ridiculously large, grotesque Nine-Tailed Demon Fox out of the rubble. "**I fucking hate this form! It makes me feel like an old woman!**" the thing rumbled.

Everyone stared. "**Wait, that was the Kyuubi speaking. When I'm using this Eight-Tailed state, our personalities and thoughts mesh together,**" the giant raw-looking fox thing said.

"**That ain't cool, you fool,**" Hachibi-Bee said, hanging his head.

"**You brought this on yourself, motherfucker!**" Naruto yelled, and then rushed the Hachibi.

The other four nearby Cloud ninja ran away in fright as two gigantic beasts tackled each other and grappled for dominance. As they ran, they heard a very loud boom from a Tailed-Beast Bomb being blown up. All four of them were mortified at the power both Bee and Naruto were spewing out carelessly.

Then they wondered why the fuck additional Cloud ninja hadn't showed up.

* * *

**I hate writing Bee. His rapping is terrible.  
**

**And then it's to the Village Hidden in the Rocks. I'm sure the result is obvious.  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Should I throw in some more cliches? Support freedom of... err... writing!  
**

* * *

Chapter Ten: Getting His Rocks Off

Kiba opened the door and entered his house before stopping for a moment. He sniffed the air and immediately recognized a familiar scent. The only question he had in mind was why that particular scent was in his house.

So Kiba walked through his home and followed that scent. No one in the kitchen, so no food. No one in the living room. No one in the basement...

Kiba clenched his teeth. If Naruto was alone with his sister or mother in one of their rooms, then he would gut the guy, invincibility be damned. The blond's terrible flirtatious nature was quite well-known by now. It made Kiba's heart wrench every time he looked at Hinata.

Akamaru was outside in the kennel while Kiba ran upstairs. He was conversing with Kuromaru while the Haimaru triplets watched. Apparently Naruto had entered an hour ago with the intention of helping Hana with something.

Tsume had gone to Hana's room to tease them, too. What they were doing now, nobody knew.

Kiba went to his sister's room first and was about to burst in when he realized that his sister could actually rip his balls off. It was completely possible. So instead, he put an ear to the door and listened. All he could hear was some chatter and giggling.

Then the door Kiba was leaning on abruptly opened and Kiba fell forward into his sister's room. After rubbing his head, he looked up at Naruto and his sister, who were on Hana's bed, and then his mother, who was right next to him. "Uh... why is Naruto in your room?"

"That's not an excuse, Kiba," Tsume flatly replied. "You should apologize to your sister and our guest here."

Naruto took great pleasure in seeing the extremely pissed off look on Kiba's face. "Yeah... sorry... Naruto..." Kiba bit out.

Naruto hummed in thought for a moment before nodding. "Apology accepted. Now, can you leave us alone? We were having an interesting discussion on anatomy."

"Anatomy?" Kiba parroted in confusion. _Anatomy_?

Naruto nodded sagely. "Anatomy. Your mother is much more knowledgeable on such things, which is why she's speaking with Hana and I."

Kiba nodded slowly. Anatomy? There was something he was surely missing, but he couldn't see anything wrong with the scene in front of him.

Tsume walked up to Kiba and pushed him out. "Get out, pup. This Naruto brat's an interesting guy. He might help us out with our clan techniques, so leave us be, will ya?"

Kiba nodded again, not wanting to anger his mother. He left the room, wondering how Naruto could possibly help with their clan techniques.

Once Kiba closed the door, the genjutsu that made Naruto and Hana out to be fully clothed vanished. It also revealed the thin sheet of sweat on their bodies and a panting Hana.

Tsume smirked. "I gotta say, Naruto, I love these scent-blocking seals of yours." Then she brought out a video camera from somewhere and resumed recording. "Let's continue, shall we?"

**VvVvV**

=Near the Village Hidden in the Rocks=

"I still can't believe you did that," Jiraiya said. Stupid blond brat, activating extreme power and then wasting two jinchuriki. At least the Raikage accepted what they told him.

The possibility of Cloud gaining Naruto's bloodline made Jiraiya giggle for a moment before a deadpan look from his apprentice silenced him. "I told you I would be wasting them. Firing off bombs from my mouth and arm wrestling totally counts."

"Yeah, but you almost had the Cloud declare war on the Leaf!"

"They attacked me first! How is that even my fault?"

"You kept attacking them!" Jiraiya replied incredulously. "Seriously, you don't exactly send a jinchuriki to a non-allied village and then have them go batshit insane with power!"

Naruto snorted in response. "Yeah, fuck you. At least I got some while I was there."

Jiraiya's jaw dropped. "Seriously? I was just entertaining thoughts about that, but you actually did?"

"Yep. I think I have a thing for feisty redheads. I might return there later to visit again." Naruto smirked at the memory of a Karui on top of him. _That_ was a lot of fun.

Jiraiya chuckled. "You move fast, brat. You planning on spreading your genetics everywhere?"

"Just because I and other kunoichi want sex doesn't mean I want to leave behind bastard children." That would not be smart, nor kind... although it would help ease some of the tension between the villages. Give every village a new bloodline.

"Whatever. We're heading to the Hidden Rock. You got your transformation ready?" Jiraiya asked.

"Real or illusion?" Naruto replied.

Jiraiya stopped walking and stared at Naruto. "What?"

"You don't know that anyone who is the Kyuubi's jinchuriki has a special ability to actually transform?" Naruto responded in surprise. What the fuck? In this timeline there were two other Kyuubi jinchuriki. At least some of the abilities had to be known.

"Err... no. How would that even work? I'm no medical ninja, but your entire body would have to be rewired."

"Tailed-Beast chakra solves everything," Naruto said. "Seriously, the Leaf has had two previous Kyuubi jinchuriki, yet you guys never knew about the abilities. Fucking infuriating. Basically, I can change the way I look without using an illusion."

"Now, was that so simple?" Jiraiya said in a childish voice. Naruto rolled his eyes and changed his hair into a long, red ponytail. He removed the marks on his face as well.

In all honesty, Naruto wanted to walk into the Hidden Rock, use the Flying Thunder God, and then scream "I'm the Yellow Flash's son!" out loud to the heavens. Sure, there would've been ramifications, but the ridiculousness of it would be worth it. Completely worth it.

So they went up to the gates and entered the Village Hidden in the Rocks. Naruto was still tempted to use the Flying Thunder God, but Jiraiya was walking with an actual straight face. Naruto had to be all serious-mode now.

The ridiculous amount of ninja trailing them meant that the meeting was important. Naturally, this also meant that Naruto would mess it up once they got there.

This time, when Jiraiya entered the Kage office, Jiraiya kept Naruto with him. "Hello, Onoki," Jiraiya began. Naruto sat in a chair next to the Jiraiya and half-listened to the proceedings while conversing with Kurama in his mind.

"Your apprentice seems to... not be there," Onoki remarked.

Jiraiya chuckled sheepishly and shrugged. "That might be because he doesn't want to be here."

"And why is that?" Onoki asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, I can answer that," a redhead who had appeared out of nowhere said. Jiraiya frowned, Onoki's eyes narrowed, and several ANBU surrounded the redhead. "He was talking to me," the redhead said. It was like she didn't even acknowledge the fact that there were top-level ninja around her.

"Smart going," Naruto muttered. "Maybe you should've told me when you were going to pop out."

"Well, maybe you should've kept your hair blond. I'm the only redhead around here, bitch."

"Stupid fox! Karui-chan and Tayuya-chan are also redheads!"

"Tch, they don't count. I'm too amazing," Kurama said, sticking her nose up in the air. The ANBU and Onoki watched what was going on in confusion.

Jiraiya sighed. "You know what, I shouldn't even care anymore. Onoki, meet Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze, the most infuriating individual ever conceived."

"Thanks for the compliment, Jiraiya-sensei," Naruto chirped. Then he smirked at the stunned expressions of the ANBU and of the Tsuchikage. "And if any one of you attack me or declare war, I'm wasting your village. The Tailed-Beast next to me will help."

"Tailed-Beast?" Onoki replied, startled. He looked at the redhead, who smiled toothily at him and gave a merry wave. "She's a Tailed-Beast?"

"Yep. Name's Kurama. Nice to meet you again." Naruto gave Kurama an odd look, as did everyone else in the room.

"Again?" Onoki asked, raising an eyebrow. This was getting ridiculous.

"Fuck you, Kurama," Naruto sighed palming his face. "Now I have to explain more of this. Why couldn't we just say that I'm an overpowered chunin with the capability to destroy everything?"

"Because that's not fun. Anyway, we're from an alternate timeline where we saved the world from a criminal organization. Somehow, we ended up here and we're not sure how it happened. Got it? Good. Can he ditch the red hair?" Kurama gave the Tsuchikage a pouting look.

"You realize that if people saw who he looked like then they would attack, right?" Onoki said. Technically, it was true. That was what would happen.

"Yeah, no. If they try to attack me, I'll slap them silly and walk off. Just give me a VIP card or something." Naruto took the card and grabbed Kurama's hand. The redhead faded in a wisp of red chakra and Naruto left the room. The ANBU returned to their previous positions.

Onoki rubbed his forehead. "What the hell, Jiraiya? You come here to discuss your next shipment of books and you bring the son of the Yellow Flash here?"

"Hey, he's giving me good research! He can charm any woman he speaks to!"

Onoki frowned. "What do you mean?"

Jiraiya giggled. "For some reason, every kunoichi he speaks to ends up liking him. I have no idea how he does it, but he knows whatever it is he's doing. In fact, we went to the Hidden Cloud a few weeks ago and he ended up having four women pine after him, including the Raikage's secretary."

Onoki's jaw dropped. Then he giggled as well. "Now you've gotten me interested. When does the next book come out?"

Jiraiya grinned. "Given the rate he's moving, probably a month or two."

One of the ANBU in the room quickly sniffed up the drop of blood that threatened to drop out of his nose.

**VvVvV**

Naruto walked outside the Tsuchikage's tower, being sure to remove his forehead protector and keep his affiliation hidden. Sure it wouldn't do much considering he looked like his father, but there was always the chance that people would think it was a coincidence.

"Hey! You look like Minato Namikaze!"

"He does, doesn't he?"

"Maybe he's his son!"

"He must totally be his son!"

Or not. Naruto rolled his eyes and kept walking. Surely no one would attack him. If they did, he would slap them silly and then kick them away. If a female attacked him, he would seduce her for the hell of it. He hadn't done a Rock ninja yet.

_I swear there must be innuendo with Rock ninja somewhere_, Naruto thought.

"**You want to get your Rocks off?**"

Naruto palmed his face as more and more people began to stare at him. He stopped in the middle of street and looked around. He half-expected a mob to spring up and attack him. "Can you all stop looking like you're trying to attack me? I know I look like the guy who wrecked you all during the war, but that doesn't mean we're fucking related."

Everyone kept staring. Then they all shrugged and walked away. Naruto sighed in relief and kept looking around. Eventually he heard shouts and the sound of metal skirting on metal. The sounds led him to a training field littered with rocks and holes. There were two kunoichi moving about and they both looked tired.

Naruto stood for a moment and watched them. One had black hair, pink eyes, a red skirt and fishnet tights, while the other had brown hair, gray eyes and a black skirt. _Ah, the Tsuchikage's granddaughter. I have absolutely no idea who the other one is though_.

Then they noticed his presence and turned to him. "Suzumebachi, who is that?" the pink-eyed girl whispered to her friend.

"I have no idea," her friend whispered back. "Hey, why are you watching us?" Suzumebachi asked, walking up to the guy who looked suspiciously like the Fourth Hokage.

Naruto shrugged. "I heard you guys training and walked here. I'm visiting the village with my perverted godfather."

The black-haired girl frowned. "You aren't going to perv on us, are you?"

"I don't know, Kurotsuchi. I'd apprehend him if he tried to perv on me..." Suzumebachi blinked and then gave Naruto a sly smile.

Naruto snorted in amusement. "_Apprehend_ me? Sorry, I don't do the whole whips and chains gig."

"Stop it, Suzumebachi," Kurotsuchi said, throwing Suzumebachi an annoyed look.

Naruto snapped his fingers. "I know who you two are. You're the Tsuchikage's granddaughter and you're from the bee-using clan," Naruto said, pointing at Suzumebachi and Kurotsuchi respectively.

Both of them laughed at the blond's 'blonde' moment. Yes, Naruto has them too. "No, I'm the Tsuchikage's granddaughter and Suzumebachi is the one from the Kamizuru Clan," Kurotsuchi explained. "We don't know who you are, though. Care to introduce yourself?"

Naruto grinned foxily at them. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, the most amazing ninja alive."

"**I beg to differ, blondie-kun. You can think with that head down there, but otherwise all you do is power through stuff.**"

_Fuck off, you big fat fox._

"**I'm hurt.**" Kurama then went back to watching Naruto's interactions.

"I've never heard of you, so you must not be as amazing a ninja as you say you are," Suzumebachi skeptically replied, obviously not believing the blond in front of her.

Naruto looked affronted. "Well, an amazing ninja shouldn't really be known as amazing, right?"

"That's a good point," Kurotsuchi acknowledged. If you were a great ninja, then no one would ever find you and therefore, no one would ever know you.

"Even though you're easy on the eyes, you're not really backing yourself up here," Suzumebachi said.

"Do you want me to fight you two? I'm not going to take it easy on you just because you're kunoichi. In fact, I'd go a bit rougher since I've heard Rock kunoichi like it that way." Naruto smirked as their jaws dropped open.

"W-What? Who told you that?" Kurotsuchi said.

"He wouldn't necessarily be wrong... at least for me he wouldn't," Suzumebachi murmured. Then her face reddened and she coughed. "Did I say that out loud? I said it out loud, didn't it?"

"Yep," Naruto said, his smirk turning into an amused grin. "Are you the kind of kunoichi that likes dirty talk behind closed doors?"

"You really are a pervert, aren't you?" Kurotsuchi said. "You never said no to begin with. I'm the old man's granddaughter and I can use Lava Release to burn your balls off."

"You're right, I am a pervert." Naruto shrugged. "It's not my fault. Kunoichi seem to like my stupid attitude. Then again, they usually end up screwing me after I either beat their pride down or save their asses from certain death."

"You're not even hiding it, are you?" Suzumebachi asked, having recovered from her moment of embarrassment.

Naruto cocked his head at her in confusion. "Why would I hide it? Being a ninja is dangerous, so I want to have as much fun as I can."

"I thought you said you were an amazing ninja," Kurotsuchi dryly replied.

"Just because I'm amazing doesn't mean I can't die, nor does it mean I don't want to have as much fun as I can," Naruto said. He folded his arms across his chest and then said, "So are we going to fight or not? I'll even throw my pants in if you two want it."

They both stared at him. "You're a strange person," Kurotsuchi remarked.

"Yeah well, I'm the son of the Fourth Hokage." Naruto paused. "Oh shit, you weren't supposed to hear that."

"You don't sound like you mean it," Suzumebachi said. "Besides, it's not like we're going to attack you. We were born way too late for to be affected by idiotic prejudices."

"Considering that you control bees and that many men must be afraid of getting their rocks stung..." Naruto grinned as both Suzumebachi and Kurotsuchi palmed their faces. "There are some sexual puns I can make on your village, so I might as well say them."

"Yeah, we're well-aware of them," Kurotsuchi murmured. "It's not like guys haven't asked us out before."

Naruto cocked his head. "I can see that." Both girls blushed at his not-so-subtle compliment. "Come on, two on one. By the way, I'm the jinchuriki of the Nine-Tails and have a bloodline."

Then Naruto burst forward, surprising the two girls and forcing them to jump back onto their training field. The speed at which he was moving made the two kunoichi think that there were two Naruto's attacking them at once.

Finally, both of the girls jumped far enough away to actually begin using a jutsu. They were impressed by his speed (read: fucking surprised), but now they could use their respective jutsu. Usually, it was Kurotsuchi who would bind the foe and Suzumebachi who would blow them up with kamikaze bees.

Naruto let them complete their jutsu, curious as to what they would do. He found himself locked down by a layer of rock that had risen out of the ground and covered his body while Suzumebachi launched bees from who-the-fuck-knows-where. Each of them had a small explosive tag attached to their bodies.

_Oh, they're going boom_, he mused.

"**Everybody likes explosions. Even girls like explosions. What's not to like about explosions?**"

The bees approached him and hovered in the air. Naruto frowned. "What, no boom?"

"I thought this was just a spar," Kurotsuchi called, her voice carrying through the area despite the low buzzing of the bees.

Naruto shrugged as best as he could while covered in solid rock before doing a Lightning Release jutsu that didn't require any seals. The rock surrounding his body exploded out and Naruto's hair sent out electrically charged, rigid blond needles the shot down the surrounding bees with great accuracy.

The overpowered blond laughed at the reactions of the two kunoichi. "What? I'm a walking weapon and I'll abuse that fact." Then Naruto stamped the ground, causing it to crack open. Water gushed out and headed towards the two kunoichi by bending in mid-air and ignoring how reality would normally work.

Both kunoichi jumped away and began running through seals. Suzumebachi slammed her hands into the ground, causing it to elevate her and Kurotsuchi. The Tsuchikage's granddaughter slammed her own hands into the ground shortly afterward, causing the elevated rock in front of her to flip and turn.

When the wave of rock and debris got near Naruto he brought his clenched fists towards his body, built up his chakra, and then outstretched his arms with a grunt. A wide, condensed wall of wind shot out from his body, negating the wall of rock that Kurotsuchi and Suzumebachi had sent towards him.

Of course, because Naruto is Naruto and therefore motherfucking amazing, the wall of condensed air kept going and sent the two Rock kunoichi flying into the air. Due to the angle of their flight, Naruto got a very good look as their skirts fluttered in the wind.

He liked what he saw. Well, not that he didn't already, pervert that he is.

Both kunoichi would've landed heavily on their backs, but two shadow clones caught them and dispelled once the two were safe on the ground. Naruto walked up to both of them and smirked. "Can I say 'I told you so' yet, or not?"

Kurotsuchi narrowed her eyes. "Just how strong are you? That Wind Release jutsu didn't require any seals and was pretty powerful."

Naruto made a non-committal grunt. "Bloodline, remember? I have three affinities and can merge them if I want to. Plus, my chakra is extremely powerful." He shrugged. "I'm the last of my line, so I'm waiting until the great villages decide to hunt me down and make me a breeding factory."

Suzumebachi's jaw dropped. "What? Are you serious? No village would do that..."

"Cloud would," Naruto said. Then his eyes turned glassy for a moment before he giggled perversely. Kurotsuchi cleared her throat, causing Naruto to rejoin the land of the living. "Sorry, Cloud has some really attractive kunoichi. I'm fairly sure there are laws for the recreation of a valuable bloodline as well."

"Oh, you mean the Clan Restoration Act," Kurotsuchi replied.

"What the fuck! Rock has it too? Why the fuck do I not-" Naruto cut himself off and took a deep breath, his expression angry. "You know what, when I go back to the Hidden Leaf, I'm running through the archived books. Fucking council-backed ancient damned law..."

Suzumebachi giggled at him and Kurotsuchi shook her head, amused at his angry muttering.

"All right, whatever. Anyway, I won our little bout and bet. What's my prize?" Naruto watched as Kurotsuchi looked away slightly. She was probably irritated at losing, even if it was to the Fourth's son who was an overpowered, annoying fool.

"**I'm waiting for the whole 'hey everybody, I'm from the Hidden Leaf and I'm the Yellow Flash's son! Fuck you all, Flying Thunder God go!' shtick,**" Kurama rumbled within Naruto's mind.

_I'll do it with these two girls and see what'll happen. It won't matter much, but it will be funny to see the expressions on their faces when they see the Yellow Flash's son taking out the Tsuchikage's granddaughter for lunch... or dinner, depending on what time it is._ Kurama snorted, the noise echoing in Naruto's head.

Suzumebachi grinned deviously. Naruto gave her a smirk as she slowly walked over to him.

Kurotsuchi's jaw dropped as Suzumebachi pressed her body _very_ close to Naruto's. Then she leaned up to his ear, whispered something, and then kneed his groin. Naruto's eyes widened and he fell to the ground in extreme pain.

Jiraiya and Onoki, who were still discussing random shit, clutched their prized jewels as they felt a phantom pain race through them.

Suzumebachi then walked away, her hips swaying slightly. She turned her head and said, "You're taking Kurotsuchi and I out to dinner and _then_ we'll do the bondage gig. Kurotsuchi's a prude, anyway."

"Hey!" Kurotsuchi indignantly replied. "I'm not a prude!"

"Fingers don't count," Naruto squeaked from his position on the ground. Kurotsuchi glared at him, her cheeks a healthy pink due to embarrassment.

"Oh, stop whining. Jinchuriki heal faster and tank through everything anyway." Suzumebachi folded her arms across her chest as Naruto quickly got to his feet, all traces of pain having seemingly vanished.

"Jeez, you shouldn't knee a guy in their most sensitive spot," Naruto muttered, his jovial nature haven taken a hit. A knee to the groin is not fucking _fun_ for males.

Kurama sighed within his mind, muttering something about weak-willed hosts. Naruto mentally flipped the fox off.

Then he perked up again. "Anyway, date time... you two wouldn't happen to know a good restaurant, would you?"

"You're taking both of us at the same time?" Suzumebachi asked, raising an eyebrow. "Not that I'm against that," she quickly added.

"I am. Why do all males want to date more than one girl at once? Stop assuming we'll all be fine with it." Kurotsuchi shot Naruto a dirty look.

"It's a classic male fantasy," Naruto explained. "Having many hot girls to speak to and spend time with? It's practically a dream come true. In my case, it _is_ true, though."

Kurotsuchi snorted. "Let me guess: kitchen jokes and sexist jokes and all that, right?"

Naruto frowned. "Why are you acting angry? I thought we hit it off earlier. Literally, too." He chuckled at his own pun before entering serious-mode. Well, almost serious-mode. "It's not like I'm a sexist guy. I'm actually very respectful towards your desires. I don't exactly talk to girls just for sex, you know."

Not always.

"So then why do you keep bothering me? If I don't want you, then you should leave me alone, right?" Kurotsuchi asked.

"All right. Suzumebachi-chan, let's go." Naruto held out his arm and Suzumebachi materialized in front of it. "Whoa, you must be excited. That was faster than a Flying Thunder God jutsu." Suzumebachi giggled at that and the two began to walk away.

Kurotsuchi felt an odd, burning feeling in her chest.

Twenty minutes later, she finally decided to acknowledge that she did, in fact, want the son of the Fourth Hokage. She didn't know why, but his presence was attractive and alluring. He was powerful too, not to mention being in possession of a bloodline.

An additional bloodline would help the Hidden Rock very much...

Kurotsuchi shook her head, trying to banish those thoughts. She wasn't Suzumebachi...

But he did look good.

She found Naruto and Suzumebachi sitting on a rooftop with their legs dangling off the edge. Naruto spied her and gave her a foxy grin. "So, decided to come find us?"

Kurotsuchi bit her lip for a moment. She was about to speak, but Naruto interrupted her. "No apology necessary. You were just doing what you wanted to do and that's completely fine. It's not like I'm going to restrict your freedom, bind you up, and then whip you until you pass out."

Suzumebachi coughed.

Kurotsuchi sighed in relief and then sat next to Naruto. She and Suzumebachi were on each side of him and he was watching the street. "What are you thinking about, Naruto?" Kurotuschi asked.

"Thinking about yelling to everyone about how I'm the Fourth's son and how I can do the Flying Thunder God." Naruto snickered at the shocked expressions of the two kunoichi he was with. "Yes, I can do the old man's jutsu."

"You did tell us you were amazing," Suzumebachi said, grinning at him. "You should do it. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

"It's not like a mob will attack you. We Rock ninja are much more courteous than Leaf ninja," Kurotsuchi added, sticking her nose up in the air in a mock-haughty fashion.

Naruto frowned. Well, he might as well try it out. "Hey, Village Hidden in the Rocks!" The blond shouted, cupping his hands to his mouth and projecting his voice.

Everyone on the street stopped and looked at him. "Yes, you people! You Rock civilians and ninja! Hell, even you Rock ANBU! I want your attention! I have something very, very important to say!"

Once there was a suitable crowd, Naruto loudly cleared his voice as Kurotsuchi and Suzumebachi watched on. "I am the son of the Yellow Flash and I am capable of using the Flying Thunder God jutsu."

Dot dot dot. Naruto furrowed his brow in confusion as he heard a random person cough in the crowd in front of him. Then someone yelled, "Is that supposed to make us angry?"

"I don't know, is it?" Naruto yelled back.

"Of course it is! Your dad killed so many of us!" someone said.

"Yeah! He was an army killer! A damned annoying one!" someone else added.

Naruto glanced at Kurotsuchi, who was rubbing the back of her head and chuckling sheepishly. "Okay, I realize that my dad killed a bunch of you. But that was in response to your own attacks! Do you honestly fucking think you haven't killed a bunch of Leaf ninja?"

There was some murmuring. Then someone said, "We're still illogically angry at you!"

Naruto ground his teeth in annoyance. Fuck. "Why? I never did anything to you guys! In fact, I might even give you a valuable bloodline!"

Suzumebachi and Kurotsuchi blushed when he said that. He was insinuating, but it was still... well, embarrassing. And besides, teenagers are a bunch of roiling emotions packed into a silly body.

Naruto doesn't count; he's an amazing ninja.

Then the crowd began murmuring again. "Why shouldn't we be angry at you?" someone yelled out.

Naruto sighed. Fucking stupid dad. Fucking stupid Flying Thunder God jutsu. Fucking stupid grudges. "I never killed any Rock ninja," Naruto replied.

Finally, "Fine, we accept your logically sound argument, even if it was short and probably had no basis."

Then the crowd dispersed. Naruto turned to Kurotsuchi. "Do I get a soda now, or do I have to go all big and scary jinchuriki-mode?"

"Why would you get a soda? _I_ was ultimately right!"

"They weren't really courteous at first," Suzumebachi commented.

"You know what, I don't care. I'm going to prank everyone with Flying Thunder God." Naruto transformed into a mirror image of his father (i.e.: he got rid of his whisker-marks) and then vanished in a flash.

The next day, much of the population woke up to a plethora of rather interesting pranks. Many of the kunoichi woke up to a note that gave out an address and a notification that parts of their undergarments were stolen.

* * *

**Spot any errors, contradictions, idiocies I've overlooked? Leave a review or send me a PM notifying me of that.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This is going to be a series of different scenarios regarding the females that Naruto has met and entertained. These mini-omakes were inspired by a reviewer known as _Rixxell Stryfe_.**

**And I decided to bring Haku back. Mei got her from anti-bloodline forces using plot jutsu number ten.**

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Noisy Fillers

=Middle of Nowhere=

Naruto was reclining in a chair in some random hotel which was situated in a random town in the middle of nowhere and waiting for something of interest to happen. His perverted godfather was content to go peep on ordinary civilian women, but Naruto was not.

His mind strayed to the various women he had met on his travels. Then he giggled. So much fun was done with those women. Quite a few of them knew some tricks that surprised him, too. Why had he not done this back in his own timeline?

Naruto tried to remember why he hadn't. Nothing came up except for that odd gaping hole in his memory regarding his foray into the wilderness. He was in some random forest and then he was dropped into the timeline he was currently in.

Seriously, what the fuck had happened? He didn't know. He still wanted to find out, but it had taken a backseat for now, especially since Naruto was having quite a bit of fun running about.

The blond closed his eyes, his mind returning to its previous thoughts.

Naruto wondered how the females he had met were currently doing...

A bunch of females across the elemental nations suddenly sneezed and wondered why they all felt hot and bothered.

**VvVvV**

=The Hidden Leaf=

Tayuya and Fuu, who were resting in a training field, both sneezed at the same time. Then they sniffed at the same time. "Okay, who the fuck is talking about us?" Tayuya said.

"Or thinking," Fuu added with a cheery smile. She had been extra happy ever since Naruto decided to show her how much he loved her.

If anyone wanted to ask Naruto if he loved his females: he loved quite a few of them. Some he liked, others he loved. Maybe his definition of love was messed up, but he's a ninja. Go judge someone who isn't essentially a child soldier.

"Yeah, whatever," Tayuya mumbled. "You up to grab a bite to eat?" Fuu nodded and followed Tayuya out of the field as the redhead left the area and headed towards a nearby snack shop. Or stand. Whatever.

As luck would have it, Sakura and Ino were inside, chatting about something Tayuya didn't give a damn about. Fuu was interested, but she was interested in everything. Her own village had deprived her of much knowledge and she had been catching up on it ever since reaching the Hidden Leaf. They had been much more accommodating.

Overpowered blond's do have a tendency to force the populace to do what they want.

Ino spied Tayuya and Fuu and waved them over. Tayuya grumbled under her breath but let herself be dragged over to the table. Sakura and Ino moved to sit side-by-side, allowing Tayuya and Fuu to sit next to each other and across from the two girls. "So..." Ino began, looking at Tayuya and Fuu.

"So what, bitch? What do you want?" Tayuya spat out, glaring at Ino. She didn't like pretty-girls. Nope, no she didn't. Maybe Naruto had rubbed off on her since he usually went for girls who were powerful in their own right.

Either that or women who were politically powerful, like Princess Haruna and Princess Toki. From what he had told her, he ended up doing those two a "favor".

Ordinary people would think that Naruto did that for political influence, but in reality... he did it because it was funny. He also did it because the two princesses were easy on the eyes. And because they asked him, but that didn't need to become public knowledge.

"Well... what has Naruto been up to?" Ino asked.

"Why do you want to know?" Fuu tilted her head in a very Naruto-like manner.

"Err... are the rumors true?" Sakura asked, glancing around to make sure no one was listening in on such an embarrassing topic. Well, embarrassing to her and Ino. Tayuya and Fuu were completely used to it after spending so much time with Naruto.

"About how you two are complete fucking idiots?" Tayuya said, ignoring the scathing looks Ino and Sakura sent her.

"No, about how Naruto has been getting around... if you know what I mean," Ino whispered, her eyes darting around the room.

Fuu shrugged. "Sometimes he tells us, sometimes he doesn't. He says that if a female is aesthetically pleasing to him, he will attempt to woo her."

"Sounds too superficial..." Sakura muttered. Ino sent her an incredulous look. At least the platinum blonde was well-aware of how superficial she and her pink-haired friend were... well, they still are. Somewhat.

"If they need a wake-up call, he's there for them too," Tayuya added. "Shithead has this weird ability that allows him to sense negative emotions. If you're sad, he'll fucking be there for you."

"Everyone can do that," Sakura deadpanned.

Tayuya shook her head. "It's an actual ability he has. Nothing can sneak up on him. Believe me: I've tried."

Fuu gave Tayuya a surprised look. "Really? And here I thought you were pulling off the tsundere thing really well."

Sakura and Ino were greeted to the extremely rare sight of Tayuya stuttering in an attempt to defend herself. She was not tsundere, damn it!

**VvVvV**

=Land of Spring=

Koyuki suddenly sneezed and looked around, wondering who was talking or thinking about her. She then felt her body tingle and automatically knew that Naruto was reminiscing about saving her ass. Either that or the many times they had been in company of each other.

On the other side of her door there was another sneeze and then a sniffle. Koyuki smirked to herself. Fubuki had returned a few months after Naruto had left the Land of Spring. She had absolutely no idea what to do for herself and ended up simply helping Koyuki.

Yeah, Naruto had that effect on people.

Koyuki, donned in her daimyo garb, opened her door and left her room with Fubuki following. "So, you felt that tingle, didn't you?" Koyuki asked while examining her nails.

Fubuki coughed and looked away, not wanting to answer that question. It would cause her to feel warm... and then her body would heat up... and then she'd want to find and jump Naruto. Stupid blond attacking her during her mission.

"Are you still embarrassed about that?" Koyuki asked, giggling slightly when Fubuki huffed. "Come on, you even participated in that new Icha Icha movie with he and I. That was fun, wasn't it?"

Fubuki grimaced. "That doesn't mean I'm willing to gallivant around telling people I like sexual pleasure.."

Koyuki scoffed. "I think you're too stuck up in the current way society acts."

"Naruto's been screwing girls in every nation on the map," Fubuki deadpanned. "He's a living example of society's idiocy."

"That doesn't mean you have to follow it," Koyuki chided. "Besides, he doesn't. I don't think he cares if you play for the other team or go for some other man."

Koyuki turned around when Fubuki stopped walking and nearly laughed at the kunoichi's beet-red face. "I forgot you're not like me. At least I tend to enjoy playing for the other team."

"Yeah, I'm not bisexual," Fubuki said, glaring at Koyuki.

"You're right: all you want is Naruto's little buddy down there."

"S-Screw you!" the Snow ninja stuttered out. This was extremely embarrassing. At least no one was nearby.

"I thought you said you weren't bisexual?" Koyuki quipped.

Fubuki stood in the middle of the hall, gaping at a laughing daimyo.

**VvVvV**

=The Hidden Mist Village=

"Lady Mizukage!" Mei raised her head from her damnable pile of paperwork to look at the chunin that had entered the room. "We got him!"

Hurray! Wait, wrong reality.

"You found the ones who took Haku-san?" she asked. After Naruto had mentioned his worries about Haku's disappearance, she had been sending out hunter-nin in order to scout for her possible location.

Apparently, they had succeeded. The chunin nodded and then motioned for the Mizukage to follow. She complied and followed the sap out of the room and down into the interrogation section of the tower, which was placed there for convenience. Please don't question its placement.

Mei was led into a hospital room. She was wondering why their prisoner was in a hospital when she spotted the girl. Haku was lying on a bed and looked to be out for the count. Her arms were bandaged and she had a respirator attached to her mouth. "How is she?" Mei asked the nearby doctor.

"She's fine. Her wounds were infected due and she was sick, but her captors merely intended to auction her off to the highest bidder."

Mei sneered at that thought. "To the highest bidder?"

"To the person who wanted her skills with herbs first, essentially."

Wait, what? "I see... she's fine now, though. That's the good thing." Mei nodded to herself and approached the sleeping girl. She would have to send Naruto a message. Maybe he could look out for Utakata while he was running around the nations, too.

She was still confused at how Haku was attacked, kidnapped, and then was attempted to be sold off as a medicine girl. What the hell? Maybe the people were had more honor than Mei gave them credit for.

Or maybe her captors were female. That would be funny. A bunch of dominatrix girls having fun in the cold air generated by Haku's bloodline...

Mei blinked. Either Naruto's letters were a bad influence on her, or Lord Jiraiya's books were a bad influence on her. She couldn't be faulted for reading them, though. The man could really write those scenes...

The plot always sucked though, with the exception of his first novel. Besides, who the hell gives a novel meant for smut a plot? The readers aren't reading it for the plot, after all...

Haku stirred from her sleep and cracked open her eyes. She looked up, seeing the imposing figure of Mei Terumi... with the Mizukage's hat. "So the revolution was successful? Haku whispered in a tired voice.

Mei leaned down and put a hand on Haku's shoulder to prevent her from rising. "You're hurt and have only recently had your wounds treated. You should rest, Haku. But yes, the revolution was successful thanks to Naruto Uzumaki."

Haku gave a small smile. Mei continued, "You know, he was beside himself when he realized you were gone. He couldn't flash to your location and no amount of brute force could find you."

"That sounds like him," Haku murmured, her eyelids drooping.

Mei quietly laughed. "Sleep. I will alert him that you are all right."

**VvVvV**

=The Village Hidden by the Clouds=

Samui sighed in annoyance and reached out with one hand to rub her shoulder. Her back was aching too and she already missed the amazing rubs Naruto could give her.

She was also slightly envious of the fact that Karui got the most time with him while he was in Cloud, but then again, so was Yugito and Mabui.

Of course, if she asked Mabui whether or not she was envious, she would deny it. She would deny it all. Too bad the three girls that were also looking for Naruto-time knew she was lying.

Nearby, Karui noticed Samui rub her shoulder. "You all right? Want a back-rub or something?" the redhead asked.

The blonde kunoichi groaned in annoyance again. "No, that's fine. I doubt anyone can totally remove the pains unless their name is Naruto."

Karui gave the blonde a sly smile. "Oh, already missing Naru-kun? The last time he visited was a few weeks ago."

Samui snorted. "You had him for most of the time when he first visited and then again a few weeks ago. You're very clingy, Karui." Who would've thought that the hot-headed redhead would be clingy?

The redhead huffed. "No I'm not. He's just really, really warm... and like a pillow... and he keeps going and going and going..."

"Like an energizer battery?" Omoi said, walking up to them after seeing the two kunoichi walking in the streets.

Samui's lips twitched upward while Karui grabbed Omoi's shirt and violently shook him. Everyone present disregarded the fact that no one really knew what an energizer battery was. "You're very affectionate while you're being clingy, too," Samui added.

"What?" Karui replied with a blank expression on her face. "What do you mean I'm affectionate?"

Omoi shook the cobwebs out of his head and cleared his throat. "Well, you certainly didn't skimp on the hugs you gave him. I think Lady Yugito was rather miffed about that."

Karui froze, her jaw slightly agape as the memories of glomping Naruto over and over again popped up in her head.

Samui waved a hand in front of her friend's face. "I think you broke her mind," the busty blonde said in a bland voice. She nodded to herself. "Yes, I think that's what happened."

"She _did_ do it in public... with a lot of people staring... What if they find out he's from the Hidden Leaf? What if they find out about his heritage? What if-"

Samui sighed to herself and rubbed her shoulders again. She _really_ wanted one of Naruto's rubs. Maybe he'd go a bit farther the next time they met...

It wasn't fair that Karui always got him to herself.

At that moment, Yugito appeared next to them. Like, out of nowhere. "Heads up, you three. Lord Raikage wanted to... why is Karui just standing there like that?" the Nibi jinchuriki asked, her head tilted in slight curiosity.

"She just realized that her affections were rather public and that quite a bit of Cloud's populace has seen her with a blond that has a strong resemblance to the Gold and Silver brothers," Samui explained in a neutral tone.

Yugito stared at Karui for a moment before turning her head to meet Samui's gaze. "It's just whisker-marks," she muttered. "Surely it's not that big of a deal."

"She _does_ have an image to maintain," Samui mused. Normally, Karui was seen as the easily angered, fiery, and hard-working kunoichi. Not so much as an affectionate and clingy fangirl.

Yugito scoffed. "It really isn't that big of a deal. What, ninja can't have emotions too?"

"Some people believe that ninja shouldn't have emotions," Omoi interrupted.

"Naruto doesn't believe that," Yugito said, closing her eyes as she recalled a certain memory. "Naruto says that he's a weapon, yet that ninja should have emotions."

"That philosophy doesn't really contradict itself," Samui said.

Before Yugito could nod her head, Karui blinked a few times and returned to the world of the living. "Ugh... what happened?" she muttered, rubbing the back of her head and looking around blearily.

"We made you realize that you displayed your affections to Naruto in a rather public way," Samui remarked, smirking slightly at her redheaded friend.

Karui hung her head, dejected at how easily she had let go of her fiery persona. And around a boy, too! "Damn it. Now everyone's going to think I'm a... _fangirl_." Karui visibly shuddered.

Everyone stared at her. "Err... what?" Yugito dumbly replied. "I mean, I get your hatred of fangirls, but they do tend to be useful cannon fodder. Why kill one of the chunin when you can kill an idiotic genin?"

"I doubt they'll see you as a fangirl just because you spent time with a guy," Samui said. "I don't think it's frowned upon to enter a relationship, either."

"What if that relationship is with a guy who's in several relationships?" Omoi asked, folding his arms across his chest and looking down. "He told me how many girls he's met and how many like him... What if they all decide not to share him? What if they all decide to fight? What if-"

"Shut up!" Karui barked, punching him in the face. "His clones are super solid, anyway. He has the Flying Thunder God, and he has a bloodline."

Yugito furrowed her brow and looked at Karui. "How do you know his clones are super solid?"

Karui's face reddened and she giggled perversely. "Well..."

**VvVvV**

=Hidden Rock Village or Village Hidden by the Rocks=

Kurotsuchi couldn't believe she was doing this. Really, she was the Tsuchikage's granddaughter! She should've been more... honorable?

Suzumebachi continued tugging her along down the more... _explicit_ streets in the Hidden Rock. Most of the time, only civilians came down here because most ninja were more than willing to engage in sexual activity. After all, in a career where death was high, why wouldn't you live life to the fullest?

"Ah, here it is!" Suzumebachi exclaimed. She beamed at a certain shop before grabbing Kurotsuchi's hand and dragging her inside. The owner of the shop gave a startled look at Kurotsuchi before returning to his duties.

He acknowledged Suzumebachi like she was a regular... probably because she _is_ a regular.

Kurotsuchi gazed around the store. Whips, chains, leather, latex... basically, all sorts of strange material necessary for the random fetishes people had. It scared her, really. Why had she agreed to this again?

Oh, right. It was because of her jealous streak after Suzumebachi had spent the night with Naruto and come back feeling very, _very_ refreshed. Naruto had apparently taken Suzumebachi's kinks in stride.

"So... why did I agree to this again? This isn't my kink!" Kurotsuchi nervously said.

Suzumebachi scoffed. Then she stopped and looked at her friend. "Wait, you have a kink?"

"I have a kink?" Kurotsuchi parroted, looking confused. "No, I was just saying that I'm not into the whole bondage thing."

Suzumebachi nodded sagely. "Ah, that's right... you're more of a straight-up missionary girl, right?" The girl shook her head in mock disappointment. "That's really boring, you know."

"I don't exactly have sex _all_ the time!" Kurotsuchi indignantly said, crossing her arms over her bust with a huff.

"Please don't insinuate that I am, by societal standards, a whore," Suzumebachi nonchalantly replied while scanning her fingernails. "I've only had sex with two men, one of which was much better than the other if I do say so myself."

"Ouch, that must hurt the other guy's ego," Kurotsuchi deadpanned.

"We're going off on a tangent," Suzumebachi said and moved down towards a section with fist-cuffs adorning the walls. "Have you ever had sex before?" she inquired.

Kurotsuchi stammered for a moment before gulping and shaking her head. "N-No..." she whispered, hanging her head down low.

Suzumebachi placed a hand on her friend's shoulder and gave her a wide grin. "Hey, hey! None of that mopey crap. Just ask Naruto and he'll treat you right."

"I don't exactly want to give it away," Kurotsuchi said.

"Then he'll probably take you out for a few dates before doing anything. He said he's pretty meticulous regarding the feelings of those he likes. He told me that it was a bet his inner demon told him to do and then he kind of took charge."

"Really?" Kurotsuchi asked, sounding interested.

"Yep. He's just doing his own thing," Suzumebachi said. Then she grabbed Kurotsuchi's wrist and began to drag her to a different aisle of the store. "Since we don't share the same fetishes, I'm going to find out what yours is."

"W-What? I don't have an unusual fetish!" Kurotsuchi insisted. She still let herself be dragged around an XXX shop by her perverted friend, though.

Suzumebachi smirked at how Kurotsuchi had not completely denied the fact that she did have a fetish. "Okay, since you're a lying bitch, I'm going to find out what you want to tease Naruto with."

Kurotsuchi had never seen such ridiculous outfits in her life.

**VvVvV**

=Middle of Nowhere=

Naruto cracked an eye out from where he had lying out in the sun to see his godfather approaching. "Get up, brat. I've got a lead on Orochimaru."

The blond jinchuriki groaned to himself. "Are you kidding me? I can vaporize Orochimaru any time I want."

"Then why haven't you done so already?" Jiraiya asked with some bemusement.

Naruto shrugged. "Eh, it's too much trouble to find him." Jiraiya stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. "What? You think I want to put in some effort finding him?"

"Well, it would be nice," Jiraiya deadpanned. "What were you doing out here anyway? The girls at the pool were..." The sentence was cut-off by Jiraiya's giggling.

"Thinking about the girls I've met," Naruto muttered. Then he sneezed. "I think they were thinking about me, too."

"Speaking of which, how are you going to deal with them all?" Jiraiya asked. He chuckled to himself at Naruto's confused look. "I mean, how are you going to make time for all of those girls? Seriously, it's like impossible."

"Shadow Clones," Naruto simply said. "Mine don't dispel from little boo-boo's like yours do."

"Disrespectful brat," Jiraiya muttered. "Anyway, we're off to the Land of Sound. Got some information regarding a base of Orochimaru's."

"That's your lead?" Naruto rolled his eyes, sighed, and then rose from his reclining position. "Let's get out of here, then."

"I thought you'd be wanting to find Sasuke," Jiraiya said. Seriously, where the hell was this kid's motivation... or energy, really.

"I've _been_ exchanging letter's with Sasuke."

Jiraiya was dumb-founded for a moment and stared at Naruto. "Wait, what?"

"Yep. Telling him village secrets, making fun of Orochimaru, and laughing at how he has to hide from an insane redhead. Apparently, he's got another fangirl on his ass. Hilarious, really." Some of the jests regarding Orochimaru's sexuality had also been exchanged. Naruto had to give props to Sasuke on that one: some of his insults were really inspired.

"What do you mean telling him village secrets?" Jiraiya asked, worried that Sasuke might spill information to Orochimaru.

"Oh yeah, true nature of the Uchiha massacre. He didn't believe me until I sent him official files, but I got through to him. Now he's going to find Itachi and ask him the truth. He'll probably be back later."

"True nature of the Uchiha massacre? What are you talking about?" Jiraiya was rather confused at this point. Naruto could really do strange things sometimes.

The blond jinchuriki groaned to himself and explained the whole thing to Jiraiya.

Jiraiya was not amused.

**VvVvV**

=Land of Sound=

"Well, here we are," Jiraiya exclaimed with a grandiose gesture of his arm. He and Naruto were in front of a large wall with an entrance that obviously was an entrance to a super secret base.

An orange-haired kunoichi with brown eyes nodded. "Yes, this is the place. This is one of the lairs that Orochimaru uses for his research."

"Can I blow it up yet, Sasame?" Naruto asked, tapping his foot impatiently. Her intentions were completely fucking obvious, but the blond wanted to see what was inside.

Jiraiya snorted. "Shut up, brat. Let's just get inside and explore the thing."

Sasame mentally breathed a sigh of relief. She needed to see her cousin and leading Lord Jiraiya and his apprentice to Orochimaru's lair was the only way she could get in.

Something like that.

"Hey, I'm going to look around a bit. Stay with Sasame, Jiraiya." Jiraiya nodded and let Naruto do what he want. Jiraiya was looking for some sort of information as to Orochimaru's real whereabouts. Naruto had discreetly told him that he couldn't sense Orochimaru anywhere within the base, which made the two doubt Sasame's intentions.

As Naruto was walking through the tunnels, he sniffed the air. The first thing he smelled was white makeup powder. The next thing was some sort of drug meant to weaken the body. Then the sound of a koto began to echo in the air. "**Oh boy, here we go,**" Kurama muttered.

Naruto frowned slightly and kept walking until he saw a slightly open door. He pushed the door open and entered the room, looking around. There was dark scenery, slightly dim lighting, and a woman with pale skin, black hair, dark eyes, and a rather sizable bust sitting on a chair, playing a koto.

She turned to him and softy smiled before taking out a jug of sake and a cup. "Here, this is for you. Hosts are supposed to entertain guests, are they not?"

"**I can't tell you how pathetic this is. You're really going to do this, aren't you?**"

_Yep. Problem, Kurama?_ The fox snorted within Naruto's mind and kept watching the unfolding events.

Naruto sat down, grabbed the offered sake, and poured it into the cup and drank it. The woman kept playing her koto and inched closer to him. Mentally, he raised an eyebrow. What, no genjutsu?

The girl stopped playing her koto and got really close to Naruto's body. "You're pretty warm..."

"Should I feel nervous that you're a Sound kunoichi?" Naruto asked, smirking slightly as her expression twitched.

Then her hair kind of... grabbed him. "I'm surprised the poison hasn't taken affect yet. You shouldn't even be able to move," she said, moving closer to him. "I'm Kotohime, by the way. I'd like to know the name of the stud before I drag him to the underworld..."

"Naruto Uzumaki," he said, rolling his eyes at the incredibly lame hair follicles ensnaring him. "I'd really love to know what's with enemy kunoichi and their bondage tendencies."

Kotohime blinked. "What?"

"Enemy kunoichi, or at least kunoichi from hostile villages tend to like bondage," Naruto explained. Kotohime blinked again. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Kotohime shook her head. "Never mind... but I guess I get to drag you to the underworld..." Then she slunk forward and leaned onto Naruto, her hair tightening its hold on him.

Naruto smirked. In a flash, he was on top of her while she was on her back on the ground. Her hair, hilariously enough, was still covering parts of his body. "Since you were trying so hard, I'll entertain _you_. After all, a host never invites a guest over without a very good reason to do so, right?"

Kotohime gulped.

**VvVvV**

"Wow," Jiraiya muttered, shaking his head. "Just wow. You would do that, wouldn't you?"

"I did do that. It was fun," Naruto said, feeling quite refreshed. In the distance was the Fuuma Clan waving good-bye. They had saved Sasame from the silly-looking Arashi and then stopped this weird girl with chakra wings and strings.

"Hmm... enemy kunoichi... more bondage..." A wide smile appeared on Jiraiya's face. "Kid, you're brilliant. I'm going to be fucking rich by the time this is over."

"Remember, I get some of the profits. I've got to go rebuild Whirlpool," Naruto reminded.

"Yeah, yeah... gonna move in your harem to that place? Have a bunch of blue-eyed, blond-haired children running around?"

"Don't forget the whiskers. I'm fairly sure they're genetic," Naruto added.

Jiraiya shook his head in amusement. "I sure hope Shadow Clones can support that many women. A relationship needs effort from both parties, after all."

"And you think me using Flying Thunder God to visit my girls isn't a good amount of effort on my part?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "Anyway, we're going back to the Hidden Leaf. Akatsuki's going to be moving again."

Naruto snorted. "Yeah, yeah. Time to pick apart their organization... _again_."

* * *

**Yes, he got Sasame and Kotohime. That was a suggestion and I said "why not". He also got those two daimyo. Those were suggestions too.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Player!Sasuke. Likeable Sasuke is cool.  
**

* * *

Chapter Twelve: Sands of a Timeline

Naruto walked through the gates with his perverted sensei. He would've grinned and screamed out his name, but that would be pretty stupid. He had, after all, revisited the Hidden Leaf many times while he was out with Jiraiya. Fuck yeah, super Flying Thunder God.

"I wonder what happened over the past few years. I haven't really paid attention to any of my... err... classmates," Naruto said, scanning the Hokage monument. The old geezer was alive and still kicking, apparently.

"I know you haven't," Jiraiya replied. A silly grin appeared on his face. "You've been hanging out with some of the girls. That ramen waitress you told me about finally gave me the inspiration to finish my book! It's going to be a bestseller, brat!"

Naruto smirked at his sensei's little happy-dance jig thing. "Don't forget my cut for giving you 'research'," Naruto reminded. "Let's get to the Hokage so I can be added to the active chunin or jounin roster or whatever."

"I forget what the point of our three year trip was," Jiraiya muttered, his brow furrowing as he tried to remember what the original plan was.

"You were supposed to train me for Akatsuki, but then we kind of said 'fuck it' and did whatever we wanted," Naruto helpfully supplied. Realization dawned on Jiraiya's face. "Now let's go find the Hokage."

As the duo walked to the Hokage Tower, much less people were glaring at Naruto. Not that he or Jiraiya noticed, of course.

When they got to the tower and opened the door that led to the Hokage's room, Naruto bumped into Team 8. They, along with their sensei, were surprised to see Naruto and Jiraiya entering the Hokage's room. "Naruto?" Kiba asked.

"That's my name," Naruto said, grinning at the Inuzuka heir. "I see you, Hinata, and Shino are all chunin now. Seriously, took you long enough."

Kurenai frowned at Naruto. "You should be more respectful to your comrades, Naruto."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. My lack of respect is my way of respecting people. Have you ever heard me call the old man by his full title before?"

"Actually, yes," Jiraiya said, butting his way into the conversation. "You did it when we returned from the Hidden Rock. That was a massive clusterfuck, by the way."

"The Hidden Rock?" Kiba said, frowning. "Why would you go there? You're the Fourth's son, aren't you? Don't they hate the Fourth's guts or something?"

Naruto snorted. "Yeah, old man Onoki doesn't really care. Holding a grudge over a dead man is unbelievably stupid. Trying to kill me is far stupider, but whatever," Naruto flippantly replied.

"H-How was your trip, Naruto-kun?" Hinata said, poking her fingers together.

"It was fun... very, very fun..." Naruto chuckled to himself and rubbed the side of his cheek with a finger. Then he shook his head rapidly to clear the pleasant memories from his mind. "But yeah, it was fun. I met a lot of people, grew a bit, and successfully helped end the civil war in the Land of Water."

"You helped stop the Bloodline Purges?" Shino inquired in a monotonic voice.

"I highly doubt that," Kurenai flatly said, giving the blond a skeptical look.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Believe what you want, but I really did do it. I love firing off Tailed-Beast Bombs... so much explosions..."

The members of Team 8 exchanged glances and looked to Jiraiya for more information. The perverted hermit shrugged. "Lots of chakra, big boom," he explained. "We've got to meet the Hokage. Let's go, brat."

"See you guys. Have fun doing whatever it is you do." Team 8 waved good-bye and left, allowing Naruto and Jiraiya to completely enter the Hokage's office and greet the Hokage.

"Are you back for real this time, Naruto?" Hiruzen asked, his ever-present pipe hanging off of his mouth. "Ah, I see Jiraiya is here too. So you're done running around the nations?"

Naruto and Jiraiya both nodded rapidly. "Yep. No more headaches from this little idiot here," Jiraiya cheerfully said.

"Hey, fuck you! I'm not the one who insisted on peeping on every kunoichi of every village we visit!"

"You're right," Jiraiya conceded, closing his eyes and nodding. "You're the one who insisted on banging every kunoichi of every village we visited."

"Enough," Hiruzen muttered, rubbing his forehead. "Damn, I'm getting too old for this. Thank the gods that Tsunade's taking over pretty soon."

"Tsunade's taking over?" Jiraiya asked, his eyebrows rising in disbelief. "Seriously?"

"Oh yes," the Hokage said with a small smile on his face. "It seems as if someone changed the way she looked at things."

Naruto grinned as the Hokage and Jiraiya glanced at him. "Okay, that's cool and all, but when can I enter the ninja forces again?"

Hiruzen puffed on his pipe for a moment before answering. "You've been running missions and helping Jiraiya while you were on your excursions, correct?" Naruto lazily nodded. "Considering your power, I'd say we can skip the reinstatement exercises. Welcome back Naruto Uzumaki, jounin of the Hidden Leaf."

"Fucking finally!" Naruto yelled, throwing his arms up into the air. "Now that that's over, can I go back to my dad's old house?"

Hiruzen gave Naruto a deadpan look. "Well, there's still the issue of your old teammate, Sakura Haruno."

"And?" Naruto pressed, waving his hand in a 'get on with it' way.

"Don't you think she needs a reinstatement exercise?" Hiruzen asked.

"No. Why would she? She's a chunin already, so no one gives a damn," Naruto replied, not really caring about whatever was going to happen to Sakura. "Are we done yet?"

The Hokage's right eye twitched before he sighed in defeat. "Fine, get out of here." Naruto saluted the man and then vanished in a puff of smoke. "Little blond is going to be the death of me..." Hiruzen muttered.

"More like the death of Akatsuki," Jiraiya said, grinning widely. "Seriously, when they pop up again, he's going to run through them all." Then Jiraiya frowned. "The only problem is that two of his girls are jinchuriki and he might not be able to protect them in time if they're taken."

Hiruzen groaned. "Another female jinchuriki? Which village did she belong to?"

"Cloud," Jiraiya replied. "Quite an attractive woman. She's a few years older than Naruto, but they seemed to hit it off. Literally, too."

The Hokage grimaced. "Right, that fight with their other jinchuriki. But still, Naruto is close enough to certain kunoichi that a hostage situation may present itself. That in itself is worrisome."

"It is a problem, but I doubt Naruto won't be able to handle it. He'll probably pull some trick out of his ass that he hasn't mentioned yet," Jiraiya joked.

Hiruzen groaned. "I bet it'll end up giving me _more_ paperwork. God damn it, hurry up and take my seat, Tsunade. I'm sick of this shit."

Jiraiya laughed at the expense of his wizened sensei.

**VvVvV**

Sakura ducked under Tayuya's fist and retaliated with a kick. The redhead bent back at her waist, showing off her impressive flexibility, and avoided the attack. Then Tayuya snapped her body back upright and threw a punch that Sakura caught. "Getting better, pinky!" Tayuya taunted. She whistled once, causing Sakura to groan and grab her head as it began to throb.

The red-haired kunoichi then rushed forward and jumped, delivering a flying kick to Sakura's chest, sending the girl flying backward. Sakura flipped in midair and landed gracefully on her feet. The pink-haired chunin then punched the ground with her fist, causing the ground to shatter and erupt with large rocks flying everywhere.

One of the rocks slammed into Tayuya, but her form turned into a log that was promptly shattered. Sakura grimaced and looked around warily for her opponent. Gentle flute music began to echo in the area, causing Sakura to grit her teeth in frustration.

From her vantage point, Tayuya smirked as she saw Sakura freeze up. The redhead took out a kunai and flickered behind Sakura, bringing the weapon up to her opponent's neck. "Game, set, and match, Pinky," Tayuya said.

Tayuya ended her technique, causing Sakura to huff in frustration. "I can't dispel the genjutsu you initiate with sound," she muttered.

Tayuya's smirk widened. "Then cut yourself, bitch." The redhead laughed at Sakura's annoyed expression. Then she stopped and saw a familiar presence in the distance. Well, two familiar presences. One was male while the other was female. "Holy shit, he's back?"

"Who's back?" Sakura asked. Then she followed Tayuya's gaze and saw a happy Fuu practically dragging Naruto over to them. "Naruto!" she yelled, happy to see her... _friend_ back. Well, maybe he was a friend. He was kind of apathetic during most of what were supposed to be their "bonding" moments.

"Yo," Naruto said in greeting. Fuu was holding onto his arm rather tightly and had a large, beaming smile on her face. "Are you really that happy to see me? I've only been gone for a month and a half."

"Yep! It's a month and a half too long!" Fuu chirped while beginning to bounce up and down.

"What's going on, Shithead?" Tayuya asked, smiling at him. "You done messing with the majority of the village's security protocols or what?"

"Yeah, yeah... You have no idea how boring some of it was, though. Seriously, Jiraiya-sensei kept dumping me in hotels and then going off to peek on random women." Naruto stopped as he felt the Killing Intent from all three nearby kunoichi. Not at him, no, but at his sensei... who was going to be drop-kicked by Tsunade anyway.

Tsunade can sense these things somehow. Pervert senses, maybe?

"Where did you and Lord Jiraiya go?" Sakura asked.

"Everywhere," was Naruto's bland reply. "We went to a few of the great villages and then some. In fact, we found quite a few of Orochimaru's hideouts. No Sasuke though. Sorry, Sakura."

Sakura nodded unhappily. She'd find Sasuke someday. She would bring him back and then do some other things with him. He couldn't refuse!

Naruto chose to conveniently forget to tell Sakura that he had been in contact with Sasuke for quite a while.

"Hey, hey!" Fuu exclaimed, catching everyone's attention. "Let's go out to eat! Come on!" Sakura declined the invitation, but Fuu dragged Naruto and Tayuya to some high-end restaurant.

No, that restaurant didn't boot anyone out. They all learned their lesson when Tayuya robbed them.

**VvVvV**

"I can't believe Gaara lost," Naruto muttered to himself as he prepared himself to leave. "Seriously, I get Shukaku to stop being a dick and he goes and loses! Bah, stupid Akatsuki members... who the hell could have defeated Gaara while he was in the _desert_?"

"Shut up!" Temari hissed. "Let's hurry up and rescue my brother!"

Naruto shrugged and turned to Kakashi, Sakura, and Temari. Naruto had notified Fuu and Tayuya that Akatsuki were beginning to move out so that the two would back each other up if confronted. Well, if Fuu was confronted.

Not that she would need help.

"We all ready to head out? Let's go, guys! Time to kick some Akatsuki ass!" Everyone sweat-dropped at Naruto's enthusiasm. Then they bent their knees and jumped.

Travel was boring. Although they were moving pretty fast by their standards, Naruto was bored. So, he decided to engage Temari in a little conversation. "So, Temari... are you and Shikamaru going out?"

"Why are you asking me this now?" Temari asked, her brow furrowing slightly. "This isn't the situation for it, you know."

Naruto shrugged in midair as he kept jumping from tree branch to tree branch. "I'm much faster than the speed we're going at, so I'm just cruising along."

Temari glanced at him as she jumped off of another branch. "Seriously? How much faster can you go?" she asked.

Naruto grinned to her. "Hey, Kakashi-sensei! Sakura! Let's pick up the pace!"

"Are you sure, Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"Hell yeah! Catch me if you can," Naruto cheekily replied. Then his speed picked up by an enormous amount and he vanished into the distance, leaving his team in the dust – literally.

All of the ninja blinked before groaning and picking up their own speed. Kakashi had to make sure not to leave Sakura and Temari behind as they sped up. After a few hours, they reached the border between the Land of Wind and the Land of Fire.

Naruto was just standing there waiting for them. How he knew where they would precisely be, nobody could really answer. "Took you guys long enough. We gonna rest now or can you all keep going?" he asked.

"Rest," Kakashi said. "Sakura and Temari are tired and we don't have the stamina you have, Naruto."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "All right, fine."

So they all ended up making camp. Naruto could have kept going on and on... but he was lying on what remained of the grassy soil and staring up at the starry night. He sensed someone approach and noticed that Temari had walked up to him. "Shouldn't you be sleeping? It's kind of late out."

"Shouldn't you?" Naruto said, smirking at her. Then he frowned. "I'm just wondering how Gaara failed against those punks."

"Shouldn't you be more worried?" she asked. "I'm worried to death about my brother, but you're a jinchuriki too, aren't you? If what you told us before about Akatsuki is correct, then they'll be coming after you and that green-haired girl."

Naruto burst into laughter for a good thirty seconds before wiping a tear from his eye. He gave the glaring Temari a grin. "Yeah, no. Akatsuki can't do anything to me. They can't do anything to Fuu, either. Her mastery over her powers are rising every day and right now she could probably take on any of Akatsuki members."

"Confident, are you?" Temari asked.

"My confidence is well-founded. I can't help but feel that there's something waiting for me in the Hidden Sand, though..." Naruto muttered. There was a feeling of nostalgia brewing within him, and it was only getting stronger the closer he got to that village.

Temari shrugged. "Well, you should rest. We have to keep looking for my brother tomorrow," she said with conviction. Naruto watcher her leave for a moment before closing his eyes.

_Hey Kurama, do you feel that?_

"**Yeah... there's something in the Hidden Sand that we're forgetting...**"

_What is it, though? Maybe we'll figure it out once we get there. I'm raking my head for it but I can't remember anything._

"**Meh. We'll figure it out tomorrow. Sleeping time now.**"

_You're always sleeping..._ Naruto mentally muttered. Then he closed his eyes and let the little amount of drowsiness he had take him over.

**VvVvV**

=The Village Hidden in the Sand=

Naruto and co were escorted through the gates... well, it was more like hurried through. The lack of a Kazekage and Kankuro being fatally poisoned were two kind of serious things...

As Naruto was walking, he couldn't stop the powerful feeling of nostalgia from hitting him full blast. It was strange; he had visited the Hidden Sand quite a few times in his own timeline, only he couldn't quite remember why.

He had visited once for the chunin exams. The second time was an escort for a politically powerful person. Then there was the third time... which he couldn't recall. The fourth and fifth times were also present in his mind, but he couldn't remember the reason for those visits either.

Very, very strange.

Naruto shrugged and let his team go do their thing. He decided to explore the village. Kakashi and Sakura could find him when they were ready to head out and save Gaara.

While exploring the village, he caught sight of a kunoichi with familiar-looking green hair. The top of her hair had a bun with a needle running through it and she was wearing a sleeveless, backless top with tight pants. She had an obi around her waist and purple arm warmers.

The kunoichi, feeling his stare, turned her head around, revealing the orange tips of her hair that were framing her face and brown eyes.

Brown eyes that met his and held something that no one in the timeline he was in had.

_Recognition._ Even Kurama was stunned silent by her look.

And then the memories came back. The terrifying and painful memories rushed back to his mind and Naruto groaned, putting a hand up to his face. His uncovered eye never left the kunoichi's – _Pakura's_ – eyes.

He remembered meeting her the first time and how grating her smug personality was.

He remembered her kicking his ass several times before he finally managed to gain the upper hand.

He remembered her being there for him when Akatsuki began hunting jinchuriki and started sending agents after him.

He remembered them growing closer and entering an awkward, bumpy relationship.

And then... he remembered her being taken away from him and killed, driving him into an angry, destructive state.

His eyes widened as Pakura suddenly vanished from view and reappeared in front of him, tackling him into a bone-crushing hug and sending both of them careening onto the hot sand below. They didn't care much about the hot sand; they were just amazed and extremely happy to see each other once again. The recognition in their eyes removed all doubt.

The spectators watched them fall to the sand in confusion. What? Did you honestly expect everyone to go "aww" because two random ninja decided to hug each other? Hell, the two even recognizing each other is hard to believe. Plus, now they had sand in uncomfortable places.

Naruto had enough sense left in him to perform a Body Flicker and vanish from the streets, instead whisking he and Pakura to clean, _not_ sandy roof. She wouldn't let go of him though. "P-Pakura... can't... breathe..." Naruto gasped out, his arms flailing comically. Still, he couldn't fault her. He was as happy and confused to see her as she was to see him.

The kunoichi finally let him go... only to began pinching his cheeks and stretching them this way and that. She stopped after a moment, backed up, and while on her knees, gaped at Naruto. "You're real... you're really real..." she muttered.

"That's my line," Naruto replied, grinning at her. He frowned when he saw tears leak out of her eyes. Reaching out with his hands, he wiped away the tears from her face. "Don't cry..." he whispered.

She sniffed and gave him a grateful smile. Naruto got up and helped Pakura up from the roof. The Sand kunoichi then punched him in the gut and burned his flesh, causing him to hiss in pain. "Stop whining, it'll heal up anyway. Damn you! Where the hell were you? I don't get a notice that it's you? I've been here for _years_!" Pakura hissed.

Naruto snickered despite the pain he was feeling. "I woke up in this world when my alternate self was about to take the graduation exam. There's a lot different things here..." Naruto explained.

Pakura blinked. "So what, about eight years ago?"

Naruto shook his head, frowning slightly. "About three for me. Graduated at age twelve. Don't give me that look, I realize how embarrassing it was. Plus, there were _fangirls_ in my graduating class." Naruto and Pakura both shuddered. "People hated me, too. It was like classic jinchuriki treatment." Naruto snorted. "Too bad I didn't really give a damn and did whatever I wanted."

Pakura cracked a small grin. "You never were one to completely listen to orders. The only one you really listened to was the Uzumaki Clan head. What happened after..." Pakura trailed off, not wanting to speak of her... _death_, essentially.

"You died?" Naruto whispered. Pakura nodded and Naruto sighed. He sounded much older than his body was at that moment. "Kyuubi nearly escaped. I went nuts and destroyed Hiruko, as well as the surrounding area before I was able to regain control."

Pakura nodded, having seen Naruto's controlled Version Two state. "Did you ever manage to master Sage Made?"

Naruto smirked at her. "I mastered more than Sage Mode. I managed to get complete control over Kurama's – that's Kyuubi's true name – powers and destroyed Akatsuki, uniting the nations and ending the animosity between them. I was also able to grant the Tailed-Beasts freedom if they wished it."

"So the prophecy came true..." Pakura muttered.

"Yep. I don't even believe in predestination or anything like that, too," Naruto said. "I was able to master another set of skills as well, skills that I'm going to have to use once more. They're pretty ridiculous, but I have to use them sparingly."

"Did you ever master the completed Rasengan?" Pakura asked. "If you haven't, then you're still worthless to me," she joked.

"Yep. I need Sage Mode to use it without any repercussions though." Naruto looked back at her eyes and adopted an uncharacteristically serious look. "What about you? When were you thrown in this world?"

"I was thrown here six years ago." Naruto flinched at this, having made the connection.

"If I was thrown here three years ago and you six years ago... then you were thrown here when you died and I followed three years after..." Naruto muttered, furrowing his brow.

"WHAT?" Pakura shrieked. Naruto winced at the volume of her voice. "You DIED?"

"No, no! That's the thing! When I came to this world I couldn't remember you or what happened just before I was sent here. Weird, right?" Naruto exclaimed.

"That's strange... I could remember everything up until I died."

"Huh... Does Hiruko exist in this timeline?" Naruto asked.

"He used to," Pakura said with a grin. "This time when he came for me I roasted him. Bastard couldn't get me this time."

Naruto heaved a sigh of relief, extremely happy at that. "What have you been doing, anyway?"

Pakura shrugged. "Mostly missions and training myself. I would say I had this feeling that we would meet again, but you and I both know that's clichéd bullshit," Pakura quipped. "What about you?"

Naruto grinned widely. "Well, let's just say that I've been around... and that there's no Uzumaki Clan in this timeline. They were eradicated."

Pakura sweat-dropped. "You actually did it?" Naruto kept grinning. "Holy shit, you really did it..." Pakura said, her voice nearly in awe. "Damn, I guess this means I owe you some money, right?"

Naruto gave her a sly grin. "Tell you what: help me find Gaara and the Akatsuki dumbasses and we'll call it even until we get our own rooms. I've got my dad's old estate in the Hidden Leaf."

The Scorch Release user returned his grin with a lecherous one. "I'm going to look forward to meeting all of your concubines..."

"**Who would have thought...**" Kurama muttered. Then the fox appeared next to Pakura and introduced itself. It was in its female form, by the way. You know, long red hair, curvacious body, and generous bust. Needless to say, Pakura was surprised at how the fox's demeanor had changed in the time she and Naruto had been apart.

When Sakura, Kakashi, and Chiyo found the two, they were confused. Very, very confused. After asking a few questions and making some introductions, Naruto rubbed the back of his head and said, "Maybe I should've just told you all right from the start... Pakura and I both. We'll do it after we get Gaara back." Sakura, Kakashi, and Chiyo accepted the answer.

Then everyone headed out to find Gaara, courtesy of a scent trail found by Pakkun.

**VvVvV**

=Some Time Later=

Itachi Uchiha was rather confused. He saw a kunoichi from the Hidden Sand and Naruto Uzumaki arguing about something that seemed to be inappropriate, given Sakura's blushing face and Kakashi's perverted giggling.

Chiyo was just humming loudly to herself.

"Why are you guys not paying attention to me?" he asked, his Sharingan activated.

Sakura gulped at Itachi and assumed a fighting stance. Kakashi unveiled his own Sharingan and Chiyo raised her hand, possibly in preparation for a puppeteer technique.

Naruto and Pakura kept arguing. "No, I'm saying that they do remain solid!"

"What...? Bullshit. The release of chemicals that clones do _not_ have would cause their faux-nervous systems to implode on itself and then they would dispel. The fact that your clones can do that is a bit strange."

"I told you, super-special set of other techniques. Is that so hard to believe?"

"I'll believe it when I feel it."

"Is that a challenge?"

"You better believe it."

Itachi sighed to himself and coughed lightly, catching the attention of the arguing couple. "Hello, Naruto-kun. I've been assigned to keep you guys busy while Kisame keeps your buddies busy. We need to extract the Ichibi thingy, after all."

Naruto blinked. "Oh, really? Can't you just point us to the base and act like something happened?" the blond asked.

Itachi stared at him for a moment. A bead of sweat rolled down Sakura's face. Kakashi raised his hands for a jutsu...

"Why not? It's not like our Leader can see this. Go a few miles behind me and then go a bit right when you hit a mountain-river thing. Have fun." Poof. Itachi vanished and in his place was a ninja from the Hidden Sand. Naruto and Pakura recognized the technique, but let everyone else gawk at it anyway.

"Come on, let's get a move on..." Naruto muttered.

**VvVvV**

=Akatsuki Base=

"So this giant mountain has Gaara in it?" Pakura asked.

"Yep. I can't feel Shukaku within, though. I think he might've already been extracted." Naruto furrowed his brow in irritation. "Fucking Akatsuki. I don't even understand why S-rank criminals come together for the purpose of collecting the Tailed-Beasts."

Seriously, there were perhaps... three people who knew the purpose of extracting the Tailed-Beasts.

"It causes havoc?" Pakura offered.

"Destruction?" Kakashi and Sakura said as one.

"Pretty demon chakra colors," Chiyo stated, nodding her head once.

Naruto shrugged. "Meh. Anway, now that Team Gai is out of here..." Naruto rubbed his hands together and grinned evilly. "I didn't just master one variation of the complete Rasengan..." Pakura gave him a surprised look. So did Kakashi. Sakura was confused.

Naruto extended his right hand, palm facing up. Chakra begin to rotate in his hand, creating a vibrating, screeching ball of destruction. The light blue color of the Rasengan began to darken, with the ball itself expanding from the size of a baseball to the size of a beach ball. The inside began to clear up slightly, and many spheres were visible within. Each sphere began to rotate in an opposite direction before the rotation made the inside of the Rasengan impossible to view.

"This... is one of my favorites." Naruto grinned, bar-pupils active. "Then again, I like them all. They're all fun to use." Naruto moved his right hand so that the palm was facing the mountain. He cocked his arm back and then yelled, "Water Release: Spiraling Whirlpool Drill!" He thrust his arm forward, unleashing the completed Rasengan.

The large sphere shot out of Naruto's palm, taking the form of a spinning drill as it quickly made its way to the mountain face. When it made contact, it began to expand, essentially carving a whirling pattern in the rock. In the cracks that appeared, water began to gush out.

After the attack expanded and carved up a good portion of the stone, there was an explosion. And then, another explosion. This was all followed by an additional series of explosions, all of which caused water to blast out of the now huge hole in the mountain.

It also let everybody view the inside of the mountain, which showed Sasori in his Hiruko puppet and Deidara sitting on top of a possibly-deceased Gaara. Naruto frowned when he saw them. "What the hell? _Again_? You know, I was hoping for some additional differences after I saw Itachi..." he muttered, shaking his head in disappointment.

Pakura jumped into the cave, followed by the rest of the ninja. "You think they do the same thing?" Pakura whispered to Naruto. The blond nodded, annoyed at having to have to deal with poison, puppets, and silly explosions all over again.

Those were only fun when he_ wasn't_ on the receiving end.

Chiyo frowned. "Sasori, what are you doing with those hooligans?"

Sasori chuckled, his voice appearing deep due to the Hiruko puppet armor. "That's none of your business."

Kakashi frowned. "I recognize the other Akatsuki member. He's Deidara of the Hidden Rock and is an S-rank missing ninja."

"You'll recognize me even more once you see my magnificent art?" Deidara said, smirking at his foes.

"OH FUCK, NOT THIS AGAIN!" Naruto and Pakura both screamed. Everyone stared at them for a moment before shrugging.

Deidara made a few comments about jinchuriki that Naruto didn't pay much attention to before he made a clay owl-thing that ate Gaara. He jumped on it and flew away. "Ugh... please, not this again..." Naruto sighed tiredly before turning to Team Gai, Kakashi, Chiyo, Sakura, and Pakura. "You guys want to split up?"

Oh right, Team Gai were with them this time since Naruto blasted the mountain apart. Fuck barriers.

"Naruto, come with us. We'll get Deidara." Kakashi then told everyone to split up: Sakura, Pakura, Tenten, Neji, and Chiyo remained to fight Sasori while Naruto, Kakashi, Lee, and Gai left to fight Deidara.

Naruto could've removed both of the missing ninja, but he's got to give his comrades some self-esteem somehow, right?

Sasori frowned as Deidara left him alone with several annoying ninja. "I'm going to have to deal with you all, aren't I?" he tiredly said. "I wish Deidara wouldn't engage his enemies so readily."

Pakura raised an eyebrow. "Why would Akatsuki pair you two together if you detest each other? I've always wondered that, to be honest."

Sasori furrowed his brow, not that anyone could see it. What was this kunoichi talking about? "No, we were paired together to remove our fans," he explained.

Everyone stared. Tenten raised an eyebrow. "...What? Fans? S-rank criminals have fans?" she asked in curiosity.

Sasori sighed to himself. "Yes. Most of them are females who, for some reason or other, think we are romantically interested in either other or in _them_. Some of them even think we are romantically interested in the jinchuriki we're supposed to catch. I believe another two members of our society have this problem as well."

"I don't get it," Chiyo muttered, dropping her offensive stance and giving her grandson a deadpan look.

"Are our elders really this intolerant?" Sakura asked, her brows furrowing in agitation. "I mean, come on. We live in an era of tolerance."

"Yeah... why do you think we _tolerate_ Lee and Gai-sensei?" Tenten quipped, grinning at Neji, who rolled his eyes and groaned.

"I don't think they're gay," Neji replied. "I just think they're insane."

Sasori cleared his throat to catch everyone's attention. "I'm not intolerant, you ignorant jackasses. I simply have no romantic or sexual interest in anyone. Reasons for this will be explained later. But seriously, why on earth would an S-rank criminal try to fall in love with a random person? I've murdered so many people that people call me 'Sasori of the Red Sand', so it's not like I'm mentally stable."

"Plus, why would people think you or your partner are interested in jinchuriki? You're meant to find them and extract their Tailed-Beasts," Pakura remarked.

The missing ninja shrugged. "Can we fight please? This discussion is beginning to get grating. There's five of you and one of me. I think I got this," Sasori said.

Then everybody jumped into action, with Chiyo warning them about the various poisons and weapons Sasori was known for. Pakura already knew this, of course, but remained silent. Everything would be revealed later.

In Naruto's fight, he, Lee, Gai, and Kakashi were essentially chasing Deidara as he flew around in the sky. "This is getting old pretty fast," Naruto muttered as he blew away more clay bombs. "Deidara! Stop running around with a dead body and let us kill you!" he yelled.

"Hell no! You need to witness the magnificence of my art, yeah!" Deidara yelled back.

The ninja following him looked around to see the area littered with craters, smoking holes, and debris of all kinds. "I think we've seen enough," Naruto deadpanned. "I'm not sure how I should shoot him out of the sky..."

"**Lightning Release Rasengan?**" Kurama supplied. "**Isn't it how you dealt with him last time?**"

_No, last time Pakura rendered his explosives useless before stunning him. I was able to decapitate him afterward. How should I... wait. No, I got it._ Kurama raised an eyebrow within his mind, wondering how Naruto was going to take out the flying, mobile Deidara.

Naruto inhaled deeply and stopped at the top of a tree while everyone went on ahead. Kakashi was still trying to do something, but Naruto could at least cause some havoc...

Every ninja stopped and turned to Naruto as his chakra levels began to spike dramatically. Naruto flipped through some seals, pointed his right index finger to the sky and grinned maniacally, eyes indicating he was in Sage Mode. "Sage Arts: Complete Storm Trigger!"

His finger sparked and sent out a yellow blast of electricity into the air. The ninja present watched as it rose up to a certain point before exploding and sending out a shockwave that, somehow, began to rotate. The area it was encompassing began to glow, too.

It looked like a larger, glowing version of a sawblade. Deidara had stopped in mid-air to gaze at the strange technique. Naruto smirked and pointed at Deidara. "Bang, motherfucker. Storm Release: Cannon!"

Portions of the giant, rotating disk of chakra began to blast out and head towards Deidara. The bird was frantically trying to dodge the blasts of lightning, which detonated on impact, but eventually fell. After a second volley of lightning, the clay bird's wing was clipped and it fell as Deidara jumped off. Gai and Lee caught the bird and tore it open to get to the dead Gaara within.

Kakashi sucked Deidara's body up into his wormhole of doom that originated from his eye. Naruto had no idea how an eye could open up a portal to another dimension. Eyes were meant to see things, not create them!

Naruto's eyes whipped to his right. "Hey, he's over there!" From the dirt ground popped up an annoyed looking Deidara, who glared at Naruto. "Hey, dud-bomb. Look up," Naruto cheerfully said, pointing a thumb up in the sky. Deidara looked up and immediately paled. Naruto's jutsu was still in the air, humming fiercely.

"Well, at least I get to go out with a bang," Deidara muttered.

Then he was vaporized as the jutsu blasted him. Naruto scanned the gigantic crater in satisfaction. Then he walked back to Lee and Gai, sighed in frustration as he saw Gaara's dead body, and then took the body back to where Pakura and friends were supposed to be.

**VvVvV**

=Somewhere in a Forest=

Gaara stood surprised as bunches of people swarmed him, screaming "Kazekage, oh Kazekage!".

Naruto was very surprised that Gaara was the leader of an entire village. Really, he was just fifteen or so and essentially an over-promoted chunin. It really baffled him. Still, at least Gaara was the one dealing with the paperwork.

"You know, I'm amazed the old bat sacrificed herself like that," Naruto commented.

"Certainly didn't happen last time," Pakura muttered. Then she blinked and turned to Naruto. "By the way, your jutsu names suck."

"Everyone says that..." Naruto muttered, hanging his head and causing a proverbial cloud to appear above him and begin raining dejection.

Kakashi walked up to them, but he was supported by Gai. "Naruto, what did you want to tell us?" he asked.

Naruto blinked. "Oh right, I might as well tell you all when we get back to the Hidden Leaf. Pakura and the Sand trio are coming with us, by the way."

Kakashi shrugged. Gai gave the two ninja a youthful smile.

"**So, revealing our secret when we get back?**"

_Yep. We have to get Sasuke, too. Sakura got some information on his whereabouts._

"**You already know of his whereabouts...**"

_I know, but Sakura doesn't know that._

Kurama snorted within his mind and returned to sleep. The fox gave Naruto instructions to wake it up when he began to explain who he truly was and where he truly was from.

* * *

**Let me know if there are any errors.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Nothing to say here.**

* * *

Chapter Thirteen: This is Delicious

"Should I be surprised that Lord Jiraiya isn't Hokage?" Pakura asked, pointing to the Hokage monument.

Naruto shrugged. "Probably not. This place has differences. Were there any noticeable differences in the Hidden Sand?"

"No idea. I was out on missions trying to regain my old level of strength and then some."

Naruto snickered. "This is why I love being a jinchuriki: it cuts down on recovery times and speeds up development." Pakura punched his arm for that. "Anyway, we gotta tell them what's going on. Gaara and his siblings are here too, so..."

Pakura appeared unsure for a moment. "Well, how many people do know?" she asked.

Naruto was silent for a moment. Then he chuckled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. "Everybody but the jounin, my old comrades... or should I say new? I really don't know how to classify the ones that graduated with me."

"Now, when you say everybody... you mean when you ran around the villages screwing random kunoichi senseless, right?"

Naruto snorted. "Essentially. I'm wondering if they're all going to kill you..."

Pakura shuddered. "Yeah, no. No fangirls, right?"

"Right," Naruto agreed, grinning at her. Then he glanced to his right as he saw Kurenai, Asuma, Kakashi, and Gai appear. All of them bore quizzical expressions and were wondering why Naruto had called them over. "Finally. For jounin, you guys take a long time to appear on schedule."

"I blame Kakashi," Asuma quickly said, jerking a thumb over at the masked jounin.

"Hmm?" Kakashi said, putting his pornographic book down for a moment. "Did you say something, Asuma?"

Naruto and Pakura watched as Gai went off about how "cool" and "hip" Kakashi was. The masked jounin merely shrugged and went back to reading his porn, much to the ire of Kurenai, who was trying to burn Kakashi alive with her glare.

"Stop bickering, please," Naruto said. As amusing as it was, he needed to tell the jounin. The others... could wait. There was still fun to be had there. "I'm sure Kakashi knows why I called him here, but you three don't, right?"

"That is correct, Naruto," Kurenai replied, folding her arms and raising an eyebrow at why Naruto had called the jounin over.

"Well... it's about who I really am." Their expressions turned skeptical. Well, except for Kakashi. His was just lazy, like always. "No, seriously. I'm sure you all remember when I kept saying that I was from an alternate timeline, right?" The jounin nodded. "Well... it's actually true."

Dot dot dot.

Then the jounin all burst into laughter. Naruto and Pakura exchanged glances as the jounin began to laugh harder. A few minutes later, Kurenai was leaning on Asuma for support and Kakashi and Gai were sitting on the ground, back to back, wiping their eyes. "I'm sorry Naruto, but that is too youthful to be true," Gai said, smiling brightly.

"Would you believe that I was from the same world, only I entered this timeline earlier?" Pakura offered. The jounin all snorted a bit before dropping into fits of giggling. "Come on, it would make sense given how I immediately recognized Naruto over here back in the Hidden Sand..."

Kakashi cleared his throat and rose to his feet. "That's a valid point, but we don't know where Naruto went during his travels with Lord Jiraiya. He could've met you-"

"Oh, cut the crap, Kakashi," Naruto interrupted. "You're the only one here who reads Jiraiya's material, so you should recognize where we've been. It's not like he put any real effort in changing the character names."

Kakashi blinked, brought his book up again, flipped through some pages, and then stared back at Naruto. Then he giggled perversely and gave Naruto a thumbs up. "I knew you had it in you, kid!"

Kurenai looked a bit affronted at that. "So while you were out of the Hidden Leaf with Lord Jiraiya, you served as... inspiration for his pornographic novels?"

"If what he told me is correct, then yes," Pakura replied. Naruto flinched slightly as Kurenai's face became completely neutral and her arms began to rise up. Asuma stopped her, of course, but the implication was still there.

At this point, Kurenai was seriously considering telling Hinata to find some other guy to worship. A promiscuous man was not one she would suggest as a partner.

"I know what you're thinking, but I have a clan to resurrect. I have a bloodline too, so it's not like I'm doing it for the hell of it... even though it _is_ fun."

"Yeah, that doesn't help your cause," Pakura muttered, smirking slightly at Naruto.

"That should be against the law," Kurenai muttered, rubbing her forehead with her right hand.

"I can kill, I can fuck," Naruto cheekily replied. His answer got him a glare in response. "But seriously, I am from an alternate timeline. I did vaporize Deidara... and I was pretty much apathetic towards everything we did."

Kakashi rubbed his chin. "That would explain some things. Did you learn anything on your trip?"

"Nope," Naruto replied, craning his neck up and putting his hands on his hips.

The masked jounin sighed and then shrugged to himself. "Well, I'm game."

"Of course you're game. It would take too much effort to believe otherwise!" Kurenai snapped. "I can't believe this, Naruto. Maybe you trained to the point of being able to do this, but I doubt you're actually from an alternate timeline. You're in a teenage body, after all."

"Right... I figured out why it's like that," Pakura murmured.

"So did I, but I don't want to explain it," Naruto added. Kakashi gave him a thumbs up. "Can I just take the easy way out?"

"What is the easy way out, Naruto?" Gai asked, also having risen from the ground.

Naruto bit his thumb, ran through some seals, and slammed his palms on the ground. There was a puff of smoke, and Fukasaku appeared. "Hey, geezer toad. You mind helping me out here?"

Fukasaku looked up at the four jounin and then back at Naruto. He also observed Pakura for a moment before frowning. "Naruto-boy, why is another member of your timeline here? The sage didn't mention anything about this."

Pakura stared at the toad before turning her head to Naruto. "That's fairly interesting. When did they find out?" she asked.

"When he signed the summoning contract," Fukasaku said. "I'm guessing that's why the sage didn't mention anything about it."

"How do you even know she's from my timeline?" Naruto asked, completely ignoring the befuddled looks on the nearby jounin. He shook his head right after and said, "Never mind. Can you tell Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai that this isn't my home timeline?"

"Right," Fukasaku croaked. Then he hopped up on Naruto's shoulder and raised his staff up. "Hear ye, hear ye. This blond troublemaker here is not from his timeline. He came here through unknown means from an alternate one. Our sage said so, especially since he apparently does what he wants. Is that all, boyo?" Naruto nodded and Fukasaku vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Well? Is that good enough for you three?" Pakura asked, raising an eyebrow at the stunned jounin. Well, Kakashi wasn't stunned. He had already accepted it.

"That- Doesn't- What..." Kurenai was stuttering in an attempt to comprehend Naruto's proof. Summons always work. Fuck yeah.

Asuma chuckled to himself. "Well, that's a neat fact. So how strong are you two?" he asked.

Pakura shrugged. "I'm about as strong as Lady Chiyo was, but Naruto..."

"I doubt anyone could defeat me. It would take another overpowered ninja to defeat me."

"While that is a most youthful sentiment, you should be overconfident," Gai boomed. He was now on the ground doing push-ups.

Naruto shrugged. "Whatever. I'm going now. I hope you all fix Kurenai up." Naruto grabbed Pakura and they both vanished in a Body Flicker.

Kurenai was still moving her mouth up and down in shock. Asuma sighed to himself. "Come on, Kurenai. Might as well get you a drink while we're at it."

**VvVvV**

=Tenchi Bridge=

"I wish Pakura-chan was here. At least she'd be more fun to hang around with," Naruto whined as he crouched in the brush alongside Sai and Sakura. Kakashi wasn't there because he's a lazy ass, despite the fact that he wasn't in the hospital for chakra exhaustion.

Yamato was in a Sasori puppet costume and was speaking with Kabuto. Even from this distance, Naruto could tell Kabuto was receiving tells from Orochimaru, who was hidden in the brush behind the bridge. "Shut up, Naruto! We're trying to figure out where Sasuke-kun is!" Sakura hissed.

"I believe you two should be quiet," Sai murmured. Naruto put a hand to his mouth and yawned.

And then Kabuto attacked Yamato, breaking the wooden armor in the process. Orochimaru popped up too, grinning maniacally at Yamato. He mentioned something about a DNA infusion regarding Yamato's past, but Naruto ignored that.

The signal was made, and the newly formed Team 7 jumped in front of Yamato as backup. Kabuto and Orochimaru was smirking at them. "Oh? It looks like you're all here for Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru said in his creepy tone of voice.

Naruto snorted in laughter before clearing his throat. "Yeah, yeah. I'm here to get him out."

Kabuto pushed up his glasses, making them gleam. "Maybe you should retreat, Naruto-kun.. We're a bit-"

"Yeah, yeah, out of your league. Whatever." Naruto inhaled deeply, clapped his hands together, and then exhaled out a powerful, churning winds that forced Kabuto and Orochimaru to jump away from the bridge and to the sides. The wind was strong enough to take out the supports at the end of the bridge and flatten down quite a few trees nearby.

Team 7 leapt away from the collapsing bridge, with the exception of Naruto who went after Orochimaru. The snake guy smirked and backpedaled, leading Naruto away from his team. Kabuto decided to engage the remaining members of Team 7.

"Stop running god damn it! Why do all of the bad guys do this? Can't we just sit still and annihilate each other?" Naruto shouted, increasing his speed to catch up with the pace Orochimaru was setting.

"**Yeah, because he wants to die right? You remember what happened last time we fought? He regenerated a billion fucking times before Itachi sealed him away.**" That had been a pain in the ass. Cut him in half, regenerate. Decapitate him, regenerate. Burn his arms and body? New fucking snake body. That had been infuriating.

"Ku ku ku... you seem rather eager, don't you Naruto-kun?" Orochimaru said, jumping into a clearing and settling into a relaxed stance.

Naruto landed a ways in front of him and scrutinized his opponent. "Can you regenerate from being completely destroyed?" Naruto suddenly asked.

Orochimaru laughed at Naruto. "My, my... you might have surprised me before, but you shouldn't underestimate your enemies."

Naruto shrugged. "Yeah, whatever." Naruto stamped the ground with his foot once, causing it to turn into a murky bog that spread out rapidly. Orochimaru jumped away to avoid being sucked into it and then extended his right hand, sending out a multitude of snakes.

Naruto merely whipped wind chakra out, severing them all. He rushed forward and over the bog, manipulating it so that he wouldn't sink. When he reached Orochimaru, the snake sannin vomited out a sword that nearly impaled Naruto.

Nearly.

With the sword out, Naruto decided to channel lightning chakra down his right arm. It was really a variant of the Lightning Armor the Raikage used, but no one needed to know that. With Orochimaru holding his sword and swinging viciously at Naruto's body, the blond had to bend and move to avoid the stabbing strikes.

Occasionally, if Orochimaru came too close, Naruto would simply use his right arm, sheathed in crackling electricity, to ward off the attack. His chakra was potent enough to do that. As Naruto batted the sword away one more time, Orochimaru opened his mouth and shot out a snake that lunged forward in an attempt to bite the blond jinchuriki.

Unperturbed, Naruto pivoted to his left and grabbed the snake with his electrified arm. With a mighty pull, he zapped Orochimaru and threw the sannin over to where the ground was still bogged up. Unfortunately, when the sannin hit the bog, it solidified, displaying the snake's mastery over chakra manipulation.

Something like that.

Orochimaru briefly frowned before smirking again at Naruto. "My, my, Naruto-kun... you seem a bit more skilled than the last time we fought."

"Actually, I just grew taller," Naruto quipped. "You must be getting too old for your body. Is arthritis kicking in yet?"

In response, Orochimaru flipped through some seals and exhaled a raging stream of fire. The fire was hot enough to ignite nearby glass. Despite the incoming danger, Naruto remained completely still.

Chains erupted from the ground, twisting and writhing in the air. The chains whipped forward and sliced into the chakra-laced fire, splitting it and causing the attack to dissipate. With the threat eliminated, the chains shot to where Orochimaru was standing.

Thinking quickly, Orochimaru created a mud clone and swapped with it while borrowing underground. The clone slammed his hands into the ground, causing a single, large wall with a strange face on it to rise from the ground. Rather than collide with the new obstacle, the chains merely diverted their course and continued towards the mud clone.

There was a loud splat as the chains pierced and eviscerated the clone. Upon realizing that the target was gone, the chains vanished in bursts of light and the shadow clones they were connected to burst from the ground. The two clones narrowed their eyes. "Boss, he's tunneling-" Before the clone could finish, it was dispelled by an extending sword that had appeared from the ground.

The other clone began to glow and expand before it too was pierced by the kusanagi blade. Instead of exploding like Orochimaru assumed, gallons upon gallons of water began gushing from the hole in the clone's chest. The amount of water forced Orochimaru to retract his blade, lift his now-long neck from the ground, and vomit out a new body. The new body glared at the small lake that covered the clearing.

"Finally," Naruto muttered. "Now I can do this. Water Release: Multi Dragon Water Bullet!" Holding a single hand-seal up, Naruto willed the water to life as Orochimaru prepared a defense. This was becoming too much trouble than what it was worth.

Half a dozen blue dragons with glowing yellow eyes rose from the water, each hissing and growling at Orochimaru. With his other hand, Naruto formed another single hand-seal. "Have fun with this, snake dude. If you survive, send me a memo."

With that, Naruto turned into water and fell into the small lake beneath his feet. The six water dragons roared as a glowing yellow seal appeared on each of their necks. Another larger, more complex seal appeared on the water as well. Orochimaru backpedaled and jumped on top of a tree, wondering what was happening. He had no honest idea on how to stop this, nor did he know what was going to happen next.

He'd find out though.

The water, as if it had a life on its own, divided and rushed towards each dragon. As the water receded, it revealed completely dry soil beneath it, signifying that it was leeching all of the moisture it had brought.

However, that wasn't really the main show. Each dragon _rose up_ on watery haunches and front legs. They all looked like snakes made of water with additional limbs attached to their bodies. Orochimaru grit his teeth as each dragon roared at him.

With their maws gaping open, they began firing motherfucking jets of fire at him.

_That_ was when Orochimaru thought that he might have been in over his head. The Kyuubi jinchuriki was abnormally powerful and his strengths didn't really correspond with his age. Hell, the seals he was using looked more complicated than the ones Jiraiya used!

He ducked under another jet of fire and avoided a swipe of a claw that downed a nearby tree. One hit from the claws would seriously injure him and the fire didn't look too nice either. How the hell did a water dragon spew fire anyway?

Orochimaru did catch another dragon rearing its head back to breathe another jet of fire. This time, he noticed that the glowing seal on the dragon's neck pulsed before the fire was actually expelled. So, he reasoned that the seal helped give the dragons life and the ability to breathe motherfucking fire.

He was really, _really_ annoyed at that fact. Who wouldn't? Water dragons breathing fire at you? Unbelievable bullshit.

Still, the seal was as good a target as any. Withdrawing a kunai, Orochimaru slapped an explosive tag on it and threw it. The kunai multiplied in midair, resulting in a multitude of explosions barraging the snarling dragons. When the smoke cleared, Orochimaru saw that two of the dragons had collapsed into puddles of water.

That might have been an achievement, only that the puddles of water attached themselves to two other dragons. These two already-large dragons now had a pair of wings on their backs.

"You've got to be kidding me," Orochimaru said. "How is this even fair? I mean, sure I can regenerate and I'm essentially invincible, but that doesn't give that brat the right to do _this_! Ugh, this is annoying." He flipped through some seals and summoned Manda. "Fetch," Orochimaru ordered before slinking away.

Kabuto was already having an annoying time against Sakura, Sai, and Yamato attacking him together, but then he noticed an extremely loud series of bangs. Momentarily looking away from Sai, he saw Manda appear in the distance and then attack something. That was followed by another series of bangs, this time large enough to cause a huge explosion to encompass the area where his master was fighting.

Kabuto frowned at this. "Ah, it seems as if I should take my leave..." he muttered.

"Hell no! You're not getting away until we get Sasuke-kun back!" Sakura shouted, cocking her fist back once more.

No one anticipated Orochimaru appearing out of nowhere and grabbing Kabuto. "We're leaving, Kabuto. There's no reason to remain. The Kyuubi brat was significantly more powerful than I presumed." Kabuto nodded and then the two shot off at a high speed.

Just as Sakura was about to follow, Naruto appeared. "Hey, did Orochimaru leave yet?" Everyone stared at him before nodding. "Huh, I really thought that the Water Dragon Animation Jutsu would finish him off. Maybe I should've used an Earth Dragon one..."

"**Or maybe you should've blown him up yourself,**" Kurama flatly said.

_I'll kill him eventually. Probably next time. That way, he's gone and not a part of the plot anymore since he doesn't amount to anything anyway._

"**What?**" Kurama replied in a quizzical tone.

Naruto shook his head in amusement. _Never mind_. "All right, I know where they're heading. Follow me."

"Naruto, wait," Yamato said. "I was briefed on your... condition, but should we really keep going?"

"Yes," Naruto replied. "Sasuke's waiting and he'll get pissed if I take too long."

Naruto shot off like a rocket, with his teammates and captain following after a moment of hesitation.

**VvVvV**

=Orochimaru's Base=

Naruto was looking around in the dreary, depressing cave that Orochimaru called a base. "And everyone wonders why he looks so pasty..." Naruto muttered.

After speaking with Sai about something regarding the ROOT's brother, Naruto let Sakura run around and begin searching for Sasuke. In Naruto's honest opinion, running to and opening every fucking door in a creepy base that housed a pedophile didn't seem like the smartest thing to do.

Instead of doing that completely idiotic action, Naruto activated his precious bar-pupils and homed in on Sasuke's familiar chakra signature. Sakura, Sai, and Yamato began to follow him since he seemed to know where he was going.

After some time of navigating the corridors, Naruto walked up to a specific door. He stopped right in front of it, folded his arms across his chest, and then glanced at Sakura. "Sasuke's behind this door. I don't... what the fuck?" Naruto put his ear to the door. He raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Huh... he has good taste after all. I fucking told him so!"

Naruto backed up and smirked at the door as it opened. A catchy beat suddenly sounded, causing Naruto to tap the floor with his right foot.

And then Sasuke moon-walked out. Everyone could only stare at the once-loyal Uchiha. Sasuke had green shinobi pants, a black shirt, a gray jacket over the shirt, and a necklace with the Uchiha fan on it. It looked much better than what he had been wearing last time, Naruto thought.

When the beat abruptly ended, Sasuke spun around and faced the four ninja. "Yo! Let's get out of here."

"That's my line," Naruto flatly said. Then he bumped fists with the Uchiha. "You're right, let's go. I'm going to detonate this place. Orochimaru's dead anyway."

"Got him, did you?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah, sealed him within my body and then had Kurama eat him. That was entertaining to watch."

"**That tasted disgusting. Fuck you,**" Kurama rumbled.

Yamato blinked and scratched his head. "Wait, that's it?"

Naruto blinked for a moment before frowning deeply. "Wait, there's another chakra signature in here. It's... an Uzumaki..."

Sasuke's smirk transformed into a horrified gasp. "Oh gods, please no. She's the worst one of them all."

"Even in Sound there were fangirls?" Naruto asked, obviously amused with the idea. Sasuke nodded and then turned to Sakura, who was still quite dumbfounded.

"Sakura-chan, you and I are together, all right? It's the only way to ward her off!" He harshly whispered. Sakura's jaw dropped and she blushed despite herself. Sasuke snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her closer to his body. "Now, let's get out. Flying Thunder God?"

"Nope," Naruto replied. "I want to find this Uzumaki. Be right back." Naruto vanished from view, a smoke outline occupying where he was previously standing.

Sai raised an eyebrow. "I am very confused on these interactions. None of this makes any sense according to what my book told me."

**VvVvV**

=Somewhere Else in the Base=

Naruto's brow was furrowed as he walked at a brisk pace, hurrying towards where he felt the chakra originate from. It was a door at the other side of the base that had a similar chakra signature to the Uzumaki members in his own timeline. It wasn't distinctive, but the feel was there.

After about ten minutes, he was at the front of the door. Deactivating his Sage Mode, he reached up to knock... only to have the door open right before his eyes. A blur tackled him to the ground, nearly crushing his ribs with the strength of the hug the person was giving him.

Hugs are nice. Crushing hugs... not so much. They kind of hurt after a while. Not that Naruto could seriously be hurt, but you get the idea.

Looking down, Naruto noticed bright red hair, glasses, and disheveled clothes. The girl's skin was glistening slightly, and there was a particular scent on her that really confused him. Why would you even do that in _Orochimaru's base_? It would really be a mood killer.

"Uh... hello? Are you all right?" Naruto began, gazing at the holding onto him with a slight bit of worry. No one randomly hugged him like that. They usually talked to him and began to like him before any actual contact like that occurred.

"I'm fine," the girl panted out. She looked up at him and smiled. Naruto took notice of her odd, red eyes. "You... you're..." She began to ramble incoherently. The only words Naruto could figure out were "your chakra feels delicious".

"Did you just say my chakra feels delicious?" Naruto queried with a small laugh.

She nodded rapidly, not moving from her position. "Yes. My name is Karin and I'm a sensor and your chakra is... delicious. It's the most magnificent I've felt... _ever_." She pushed him down and straddled his waist with a lecherous grin.

From below, Naruto rolled his eyes. "I really shouldn't even ask at this point. Are you an Uzumaki?"

Put off by the sudden question, Karin nodded. "Yes... why?"

"So that's why you can feel my chakra. You must be one of the last Uzumaki sensors remaining," Naruto said. At Karin's surprised look, he elaborated. "Right, I'm an Uzumaki too. I have their special Storm Release bloodline."

Karin gasped and then leaned down and kissed him full on the lips. She released him and grinned despite their awkward positioning. "I never thought I'd find another one..."

"Yeah, I've got information on their sealing practices too. You have any knowledge of that or no?"

Karin nodded slowly. "I have some knowledge about sealing, but not much. The Uzumaki kind of... died out, you know?"

"How could I not," Naruto replied. Then he looked down and saw what Karin was doing. "Look, this could be very fun and all, but I've got to take Sasuke back to the Hidden Leaf before Kabuto decides to strike back."

At the mention of Sasuke's name, Karin tilted her head. "What about Orochimaru?"

"Killed him."

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"Wow."

"I get that a lot."

Karin then noticed the forehead protector Naruto was wearing. "You're from the Hidden Leaf?"

"Yep."

"Seriously?"

"For real."

"So can I come with you?"

Naruto blinked and then shrugged as best he could. "Well, yeah. I managed to get a minor village to allow their jinchuriki to transfer to the Hidden Leaf, as well as keep an enemy ninja there and help that ninja turn a new leaf."

"Pun intended?"

"Definitely," Naruto said, smirking at her. "You still want to come along?"

Karin seemed to ponder the question for a moment before nodding. She pumped her fist in the air and adjusted her glasses. "Hell yes!"

"By the way, I'm Naruto Uzumaki."

"Pleased to meet you. By any chance, are you a jinchuriki?"

"Yep," Naruto confirmed, nodding his head. "Kyuubi jinchuriki here. It's how I managed to connect with Nanabi's jinchuriki. She needed some lovin'."

Karin raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Oh, I kind of have a harem... because the Uzumaki clan needs to be reborn, right?" Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Then he bit back a groan as Karin moved a bit. "We can get to that in the Hidden Leaf..."

Karin smirked. "I hope so. I'll be waiting for it."

When the two Uzumaki returned to where Sasuke was, the Uchiha shrieked in fear and hid behind Sakura, who gave Karin a death glare. In response, Karin clung to Naruto's arm. "Yeah, she's with me," Naruto explained.

Sasuke peeked out from behind Sakura and gave him a thumbs up. "Thank god that you remove- err, I mean got a new harem member."

"Yeah, one less fangirl for you," Naruto muttered, shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. "So what did you guys do while I was gone?"

Sakura took this moment to walk up to Naruto and then lean in close to his ear. "Why is Sasuke so different?" she whispered.

"Well, Orochimaru is kind of... freaky. And creepy. And for some reason, attracted to young bodies. All of this served to make Sasuke's sexuality more active. As in, he's not a god damn log when you talk to him," Naruto whispered back.

"Oh... so... Wait, does this mean I have to share him now?"

Naruto frowned at Sakura. "What he does is what he does. Technically, he's going to be eligible for the clan restoration bullshit like me, so get used to it."

Sakura grunted and ran back to Sasuke before clinging to his arm much like Karin was doing to Naruto. Both girls had little sparkly hearts around them as they held onto their boys. Sai was very, very confused about this action.

"Anyway, everyone grab a clone." Three clones appeared out of nowhere. One grabbed Yamato, one grabbed Sai, and the last one grabbed both Sakura and Sasuke. "Flying Thunder God for the win!" Naruto yelled.

With a yellow flash, everyone vanished.

Outside of the base, Kabuto frowned to himself. "Well, Lord Orochimaru's gone... I guess I'll go DNA splicing now even though in the end, it makes no sense whatsoever."

* * *

**Just an FYI: Kurenai, Tsunade, and Hinata are, so far, not allowed to be in any of the harems. Kurenai has Asuma, Tsunade is too old, and Naruto doesn't want Hinata (there's a reason for this). I can't ever see Sasuke with Hinata (and quite a few other girls), so they won't be paired.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I find it funny that people want Sasuke to get the... uh... "non-interesting" girls.  
**

* * *

Chapter Fourteen: Serious Predestination

"_Naruto!"_

_An entity of darkness thrashed around in an attempt to destroy the blond-haired gnat attacking it. One of its heads were destroyed, but quickly reformed. A being of pure darkness cannot be defeated by ordinary, physical means._

_The blond jumped on a head, kicked off, and then avoided the piercing tails before forming another spiraling blue star and throwing it at another head. As he was attached to the ceiling, he frowned deeply at the monstrosity attacking him._

_He had been told that it was impossible. You cannot fight your destiny; predestination removes free will. There is no reason to aim for anything else._

_But that was not who he was. Every human had a choice. Every human had free will given to them by their consciousness. They could make their own decisions. They could shape the future into anything they wanted!_

_Maybe that was why he took it so nonchalantly. His answer to the question of destiny was rigid and unchanging, and that was how he was able to escort her all the way to the shrine, despite knowing that she could predict his death if he became too close._

_Reality bent and twisted, and the darkness screamed. The blond, clad in golden armor, used a weapon... some sort of weapon... to reap and carve through the body. The demon was weakened, but could not be killed._

_It could only be destroyed by her. She would sacrifice herself to keep the demon from destroying the world._

_As she fell, laughter echoed in her head... there was blood... there-_

Shion woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily as she squinted her eyes, trying to make sense of what she had seen. Something... odd. That blond teenager she had seen had done something very different. The weapon he had used was especially strange; it did not seem the type to cut or do damage.

Closing her eyes, the priestess wondered what was going to happen.

Elsewhere, a ninja named Yomi opened up his body in some gruesome way and allowed a demon to house itself within. The soldiers within the shrine began to respond to Yomi's rousing and immediately, the man had gained many stone followers that could withstand all but the most powerful of attacks.

With these stone soldiers, he exited the shrine and called his ninja. He instructed them to find and kill a specific person while his stone soldiers rampaged throughout the land.

The world would be destroyed and then reborn as the Millennium Kingdom.

Or rather, something like that.

**VvVvV**

=The Hidden Leaf=

"You're kidding me, right?" Naruto asked, giving the Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi, an annoyed expression.

"I am not kidding you, Naruto-kun," the Hokage mirthfully replied.

Naruto sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "So animated, stone soldiers are marching around the Land of Demons and are destroying random villages. Any idea why?"

"Oh, we have a few ideas," Tsunade said as she walked into the office. She a folder at Naruto and grinned as it smacked into his face. "Read that, brat. That should tell you what's going on."

Grumbling to himself, Naruto opened the manilla folder and read the files within. After a few minutes, he looked back at the Hokage and at Tsunade. "So apparently some demon has been awakened that can consume the world and the only way to defeat it is by some priestess?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Tsunade nonchalantly said.

Naruto scanned through the files again. "And I'm guessing the stone soldiers are meant to help conquer villages... anyone ever think of moving across the sea? No?" Naruto looked hopefully at Hiruzen, who merely shook his head. "Ugh, fine. I'll go remove the threat."

"Actually, we're dumping a team on you."

Naruto blanched at what Tsunade had just said. "Oh come on! I move much faster on my own, anyway. Who am I getting saddled with? Sasuke? Sakura? Dear god, please don't tell me it's Hinata."

Tsunade and Hiruzen glanced at each other. "You're going with Kiba, Hinata, and Shino. They're pretty fast and good trackers, so they can help you keep an eye on the priestess."

"**Ha! Talk about awkward. This is going to be hilarious!**"

Naruto palmed his face and dragged the hand down. "What else is going to happen? I'm assuming we're going to try and stop the soldiers, right?"

Hiruzen nodded. "Right. You and Team 8 will be protecting and escorting the priestess somewhere. She'll apparently debrief you guys when you get there."

"Very informing," Naruto deadpanned. "Where is Team 8?"

"At the gate. I told them separately, so get going. You can't take anyone else with you, by the way," Tsunade stated.

Naruto swore before sighing. "I'll do my best to take her there. Hopefully I get a fuller report. See you jiji, baa-chan." Naruto vanished in a flicker of leaves as a stapler flew through the air and hit the wall behind where Naruto had previously been.

When he reappeared at the gate, Team 8 was already waiting for him. Naruto waved at them, catching their attention. "Yo! We all ready to get out of here?" he cheerfully said. On his back was an odd staff that looked a bit out of its time.

Naruto thought it was called a khakkhara or something like that.

Aside from gazing oddly at the staff, Team 8 nodded and began to head out. Naruto followed them at a leisurely pace. "So... where we going?" Naruto asked.

"Land of Demons," Kiba replied while riding on top of a large Akamaru. "By the way, what the hell is strapped across your back?"

Naruto glanced back at the khakkhara. "Oh, it's my khakkhara."

"That doesn't really explain what it is," Kiba deadpanned.

Naruto shrugged. "What else do you want me to say? It's a staff used as a weapon or for prayer. I thought that it would fit the role since we're escorting a priestess." Naruto always thought the thing looked cool, too. Seriously, whacking someone with a stick meant for praying? Priceless.

Shino raised an eyebrow, although his shades hid most of the motion. "Our client might believe that you are mocking her," the Aburame stated.

The four ninja began walking in the direction of the Land of Demons as Naruto gave Shino an amused look. "Really? Somehow, I don't think that a holy priestess or whatever would do that. Where are we escorting this so-called priestess anyway?"

"Land of Swamps. We're not too sure why, but it might be explained when we get there," Kiba informed.

Naruto ducked under a tree branch and began to pick up his pace, with Team 8 following behind him. Naruto turned his head back and frowned. "I still wish I could've gone on my own. I move much faster than you guys."

Kiba's eye gleamed. "Oh yeah? We're a tracking team for a reason, Naruto. Care to race?"

"Is that a challenge?" Naruto asked, smirking at Kiba. "I mean, I can understand if you want to back down. You're probably not even half as fast as Hinata." Naruto winked at the Hyuuga heiress, causing to giggle and blush.

It was better than ignoring her. Plus, he had the feeling that he would be disappointing her later on in the mission for some reason.

"You're on, dobe!" Kiba yelled and jumped off of Akamaru before speeding up drastically. Naruto merely grinned and followed him, easily keeping pace with the Inuzuka.

Shino and Hinata sighed to themselves and sped up as well.

**VvVvV**

=Somewhere in the Land of Demons=

Four ninja wearing robes overlooked some sort of palace mansion thingy from their vantage point on top of a large cliff. There were guards running about doing their duties. They were all essentially unnecessary characters, so they would all probably end up dying.

One of the ninja took out three strange-looking worms and had them latch onto the other ninja before the thing burrowed into their skin. It looked pretty damn disgusting, not to mention unnatural. The ninja who had been afflicted suddenly got war paint on their faces and one of them got fatter.

Each of the four ninja, even the one unchanged one, took out a weapon and charged the groups of soldiers. Most of them were quickly slaughtered. Seriously, you try fighting a human with what essentially could be construed as superpowers. It's fucking one-sided.

The ninja blasted a hole into the wall and entered Shion's champer. The priestess in question straightened up, staring impassively at her intruders. Her one attendant took up a defensive stance in front of her; not that it would do anything, of course.

"I didn't think it would be this easy," the female member of the Gang of Four said. She grinned maniacally and threw her chained knife at the man, expecting an easy one-shot kill.

The projectile was knocked away by Naruto, who appeared literally out of nowhere. His right arm was extended out from using his staff to bat away the knife. Naruto remained in his stance, smirking at how cool he looked.

"**Oh for fucks sakes, just hurry up and kill them all! The priestess is leaving and her aide is following her.**"

Naruto quickly glanced back to where the priestess and her aide had been. They had apparently escaped through some spinning trap door panel that Naruto didn't care much about. At least they were safe.

The blond jinchuriki returned his attention to the now-irked enemy ninja. He grinned at them all. "Get the fuck out, you four." Before the ninja could react, Naruto horizontally swung his staff, sending out a blunt wall of wind that blasted his enemies out through the hole they had previously made.

Naruto blinked to himself and looked down at his staff. "Huh, that didn't work the way I wanted it to. I guess I still need practice with this thing. Ah well." The blond shrugged and jumped out of the hole in the direction he had sent the other four.

He found them all glaring heatedly at him. Their robes were slightly dirtied, possibly from when the debris the attack had kicked up. "I guess he's not just some ninja by the looks of that jutsu he did," one of the members said.

"Really?" Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "From the looks of it?" Nothing about getting hit by that blunt wall of wind?

"Don't worry, sister, we'll take care of him. Kusuna, go. This won't take long."

The guy with the pink hair named Kusuna smirked and nodded before jumping off. Naruto watched him go, feeling like Team 8 would stop him if he came too close to the priestess. If they didn't... well, Naruto had his ways.

The larger ninja clapped his hands together and stamped the ground while shouting out the jutsu's name. What a newbie mistake. Sure, it gave you focus and it was for readers – err, I mean it gave you greater focus, but reciting it within your mind was better. It kept people guessing as to what you were doing.

Pillars of stone rose from the ground and surrounded Naruto before closing up at the top, forming a dome with an exit a short distance away. The blond rolled his eyes and strolled towards the exit, waiting for the obvious ambush or attack.

The female ninja and the other male ninja flipped through some additional seals before a ring of fire was formed. The winds that the male ninja produced caused the fire to rage out of control and head towards the entrance to the dome.

Naruto saw it coming a mile away. It was a very useful tactic, that he'd admit, but it wasn't one that would necessarily work on him. All you had to do was sink through the ground and avoid the first volley.

And that's what he did. Sometimes blasting overpowered jutsu at a problem over and over again got boring. Well, it never got boring, but sometimes Naruto wanted to do something different. After a few moments of waiting, Naruto summoned two clones and had them send out chakra chains.

When the chains burst out of the ground and headed towards his enemies, they all retreated. The clones, and subsequently the chains, dispelled before Naruto popped out of the ground. He felt very disappointed, especially since they didn't have enough chakra for another series of attacks.

At least he had a lock on where Team 8 was. They were approaching Shion and her aide, but didn't have enough speed to intercept some other chakra signature that was running straight at the priestess.

"I swear, I have to do everything myself. Why isn't Neji here? He would be fast enough to stop that idiot..." Naruto shook his head and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Near some random waterfall, Taruho nearly fell over in surprise as Naruto appeared out of nowhere. Shion didn't fare much better and shrieked loudly as the blond reached out his hands.

Team 8 sighed in relief as the enemy ninja's impending attack was suddenly stopped. Kusuna clenched his teeth in frustration and backed away before vowing to attack again.

Naruto flipped him off as he left, much to Taruho's ire. "All right, can we get this show on the road before more creepy war-paint ninja's appear?" Naruto asked with a grin.

They all went back to the original room that Shion had been staying at for a better debriefing. "So... Moryo was an ancient demon that threatened the world long ago and as of now, his spirit has been resurrected?" When Taruho nodded, Naruto continued. "In order to completely stop him, we need to escort Shion to the Land of Swamps where his body is located and then seal him away..."

"Yes. Lady Shion must be escorted, for I fear those hooligans will attack again. I will bring together a band of soldiers for additional protection," Taruho stated.

"No," a new voice said. It would've been angelic... had the tone not been bratty. "You will not accompany me, Taruho."

"B-But Lady Shion!" Taruto stuttered in shock.

Instead of replying, Shion turned to the waiting Team 8 and Naruto. She looked at each member before finally resting her eyes on the blond jinchuriki. She looked him over before walking around him and tapping his staff. Then she faced him and said, "You are going to die."

Taruho was not surprised. Kiba and Hinata gasped. Shino merely stood there in a stoic manner.

Naruto, in true Naruto fashion, laughed out loud. Shion narrowed her eyes and glared at him. "You're kidding me, right? Oh no, I'm going to do. Tragic." Naruto snorted and shook his head, thoroughly amused by Shion's choice of words. "Yeah, I kind of realized a long time ago that I wouldn't live forever. Thanks for the stating the obvious though," Naruto replied.

"I had a vision that you would die. You're going to die by piercing."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Piercing? What's going to pierce me? A spear? A lance? A stick, maybe? I can take care of myself, you know."

Shion huffed and walked away. Taruho bowed to Naruto and muttered an apology. "I'm sorry for her behavior, but she has a special ability passed down by all priestesses of the Land of Demons. She has premonitions about your future and they are always correct," the man explained.

"A-Always?" Hinata quietly said.

Taruho nodded. "One-hundred percent correct."

There was a moment of silence that Naruto broke by loudly saying, "That's such bullshit. If I know the future, then I can change it. In that way, the future is not predestined and I can fuck with it whenever I want."

"**Really, this feels poetic in a way. You fucked with our original reality's timeline, and now you've fucked this one not once, but now twice.**"

_I wouldn't say that. I'm just changing the future by acting different in the present_.

"**You're still changing an outcome,**" Kurama noted. Naruto mentally shrugged – he screwed things up most of the time anyway.

"He's got a point..." Kiba muttered. Akamaru barked in agreement.

Taruho shook his head. "Even those who have tried to change their future end up dying. If you stay close to Lady Shion, it is a certainty. Even if she does not wish it, I will defend her with my life, even if it is voided in the end."

"Cute," Naruto muttered. "Not feasible, but cute." Naruto sighed to himself. "Well, let's get going. I'll carry the priestess."

"What about your staff?" Shino inquired, pointing to the staff that was strapped on Naruto's back. The blond shrugged, took the staff, and sealed it away into his right arm. Fuck yeah, sealing.

Shion huffed again and got onto Naruto's proffered back. She wrapped her arms around her neck and allowed him to get a firm grip on her legs – appropriately, of course. He didn't need Hinata trying to kill the priestess as well.

Despite what Shion had said, Taruho followed, albeit at a much slower pace than the ninja were setting.

**VvVvV**

=Somewhere Near the Land of Swamps=

It was dark out. Team 8, Naruto, Shion, and Taruho who had shortly caught up to then, decided to rest until morning when they would finally enter the Land of Swamps. Naruto didn't really need to sleep since he was literally inexhaustible, but Shion made a ruckus about it.

Hinata had quite vehemently told Shion that some people had nothing in their lives and that the priestess needed to be satisfied with what she had, especially after Shion had refused the cold food Taruho had offered.

Naruto thought the Hyuuga's attitude was because he had carried Shion the entire time. The priestess and the jinchuriki had made small talk, but Shion was really... passive about the lives of her followers.

Naruto didn't really mind, but he did wonder why. He was sitting near a cliff overlooking a vast expanse of water while Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino watched over a not-quite-sleeping Shion. It was quickly decided that Hinata might actually pose a threat, so she was told to sleep elsewhere by Naruto.

Some footsteps drew Naruto's attention away from the sight in front of him and he noticed Taruho sit down next to him. "Nice night, isn't it?" Naruto began, staring up at the moon.

Taruho nodded before sighing. "Please forgive Shion for her attitude," he muttered.

"There's nothing to forgive," Naruto replied, smirking at him. "You said that if you stay close to her than she ends up have a vision about your death. Obviously, people wouldn't want to be with her since they don't want to know when, where, and how they die."

"You and your team don't care?"

"My team might, but she hasn't had a premonition about them yet. I'm not afraid of death and I highly doubt whatever we face has the ability to faze me," Naruto said.

The priestess' aide raised his eyebrows. "You have such confidence, even in the face of certain death. Do you think you'll be able to defeat Moryo and his henchmen?"

"Think? No, I know. I have a bit more power than most people realize."

"Well... please be kind to Lady Shion. She needs to fulfill her destiny," Taruho informed.

Naruto snorted. Oh, how many times had he heard that before? Maybe four. No, five. Even though he didn't believe in fate, crappy prophecies and predictions always came back to haunt him. What a pain in the ass.

The following morning, everyone was well-rested and ready to head out. Shion again got onto Naruto's back, much to Hinata's displeasure, and the ninja headed out. Taruho decided to go a different route since they were traveling over water.

Naruto had supreme mastery over the liquid and was at an advantage. In addition, the other ninja apparently couldn't use Water Release, so that was also a plus.

They reached a stone outcropping in the middle of rushing waters before Shion leapt off of Naruto's back and stumbled to the ground. "What's wrong with you ninja! You travel much to fast! Can't I get a break?" she yelled.

Kiba rolled his eyes, Shino did nothing, and Hinata made an irritated grunt. Naruto shrugged. "We're ninja and used to going fast. If you want to rest somewhere, we can head onto more solid ground."

Shion breathed a sigh of relief before the sound of roaring could be heard. A Water dragon turned the corner and set its eyes on its prey. Shion's eyes widened as her bell chimed.

_A cloak of blazing yellow appeared, like a beacon. The darkness was repelled, but not defeated. It had her in its grasp..._

_It roared in triumph as Naruto frowned, his prayer staff in hand. It was just a staff... surely it couldn't-_

"Yep, we're out," Naruto said. A shadow clone appeared next to him. "Take care of the issue," the blond ordered. The clone saluted and clapped his hands together, causing two larger water dragons to rise from the river. The distraction enabled Team 8 and Naruto and Shion to escape unscatched.

The enemy ninja controlling the water dragon was not amused. She was completely fucking pissed that someone else had a better way of controlling water than she did. Not to mention that she and her nearby comrade now had a large damned water dragon on a collision course with their faces. So they did the only sensible thing in that situation.

They got the fuck out of there. The dragon crashed into their previous position, destroying much of the land in the immediate vicinity and soaking the area with chilled water. The shadow clone, seeing its task complete, dispelled with a poof.

Team 8, along with Naruto and Shion, landed on solid ground as the four enemy ninja confronted them. One of the enemies sneered. "Looks like they're still here, brothers. We have enough chakra to take them down." The others seemed to agree with this, causing Team 8 and Shion to tense.

Naruto subtly created two shadow clones without using any jutsu and had them hide underground. No one noticed because the blond was one stealthy ninja. That's what they were supposed to be, right? Ninja.

Cough, cough.

"Maa, maa... you guys shouldn't be so tense. Let's split up, shall we? Hinata and I will take Shion with us while Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino will take on these jokes." Naruto took off immediately afterward, with Hinata following. There was no room for disagreement, it seemed.

As Hinata jumped alongside Naruto with a slightly frightened Shion, she scanned her surroundings for impending enemies. Seeing none, she nodded to Naruto, allowing him to settle down for a moment. He landed on the ground, allowing Shion to get off of his back and stretch her muscles a bit. Her bell chimed again.

"Are you all right, Shion?" Naruto asked, watching as the priestess looked around nervously.

"We might get attacked," she said, her eyes shifting back and forth in slight fear. She turned around to look behind her as well.

Much to Shion's embarrassment and Hinata's ire, Naruto walked up to the priestess and wrapped his arms around her waist. "You shouldn't be so jumpy. I'll protect you, don't worry. I would say it's a promise of a lifetime or something stupid like that, but I find that those sound overly cliché." Naruto laughed slightly.

Shion blushed slightly but let herself be hugged. His body was warm and felt nice. It made her feel safe. Plus, he was abnormally powerful with his jutsu. Two water dragons with a _clone_? Impressive. "...Thank you, Naruto," Shion quietly said.

Naruto laughed and grinned down at her as she looked up at him. "You're welcome, Lady Shion." The blond's senses picked up a rapidly approaching enemy. Apparently, so did Hinata. The enemy ninja barreled into the area, his spiky hair and face paint looking quite silly in the sunlight filtering through the trees of the forest. "Let's go!" Naruto shouted, grabbing Shion and carrying her off in a bridal position.

Hinata remained where she was. Her eyes narrowed on the ninja staring her down. "I'll defeat you. I won't let you go after Naruto-kun! I won't let the mission fail!" Then she engaged the enemy and the two began to clash.

Elsewhere, Shino was watching the overgrown, deformed body of Gitai spasm as the life began to leave him. The bug-user's opinion of the man: he was an idiot. Yeah, give his bugs more chakra. That would totally work. At least Shino could get Kiba.

Kiba wasn't faring as well as he thought he would. The watery kunoichi was sliding across the ground, laughing in an incredibly weird manner. Essentially, she was a puddle that Kiba couldn't get rid of. So, he did the best thing: he ditched her. She couldn't do anything, he couldn't do anything. So he ditched her.

Kiba found Shino and the two, coupled with Akamaru who had followed Kiba, went into the forest to try and find Naruto, Shion, and Hinata. After traveling a bit, they found a tired Hinata who had claimed that her opponent escaped once she clipped him with one of her chakra-stopping strikes.

After a bit more traveling, they found Naruto and Shion looking down at a dead Taruho. How did they know Taruho was dead? They didn't, but the man wasn't moving, breathing, or showing any other signs of life. The expressions that Naruto and Shion were wearing didn't help much either.

"Shit..." Kiba muttered, staring down at Taruho's corpse. Akamaru whined lowly, disheartened at the loss of life.

Naruto sighed deeply, sounding much older than he was. "It hurts, doesn't it?" Although he was staring straight ahead, he seemed to be speaking to Shion. "I've had this happen to me many times. I can only imagine how many times it has happened to you," the blond muttered.

Shion nodded dumbly, staring down at her former aide. She was crying. No one wanted to see the deaths of their own people over and over again. It was also why she was such a damn brat at times. She felt that showing emotion would be like disrespecting those who had died for her.

But Naruto had told her otherwise. Showing emotion was a way of respect. It showed how much the sacrifices affected you. Naruto flipped through some seals at a casual pace before muttering, "Ice Release: Resilient Tomb." Water seeped out of the ground and surrounded Taruho's body before solidifying into an icy coffin. "This ice will not melt even under his harshest heat... hopefully it grants his soul the rest it deserves."

Kurama wondered if anyone noticed how contradicting Naruto was acting.

"You guys, we've got to get going. Do me a favor and kill the other three enemies. They'll die soon enough; they rely too much on replenishing their chakra. I'll take Shion to the shrine where Moryo's body is sealed." Shion walked up to Naruto and got on his back again. "Good luck," Naruto muttered before taking to the trees.

**VvVvV**

=Land of Swamps – Moryo's Shrine Place=

"I'm sorry I couldn't do anything," Naruto muttered. A hostage situation was always bad. He really should've done more before the enemy ninja got impatient and executed the hostage. That was a pretty dumb choice overall, too. Enemy ninja were always stupid though.

"It's all right," Shion whispered, burying her face into Naruto's shoulder. "Just... don't die on me. Please."

Naruto smirked. He wouldn't die. Actually, he couldn't die to begin with. Not yet, anyway. He had too many things he wanted to do. Like... rebuild the Uzumaki clan, for example. That would be fun... "I won't, don't worry."

Maybe they should've worried because as soon as the shrine appeared in sight, the hundreds of stone, animated soldiers came into view as well. They all registered the appearance of their target and began to slowly march towards her.

Slowly. Very, very slowly. They were made up of stone. Sure, they were _evil_, but they were slow, stupid rocks. Naruto wondered why Kakashi and the others hadn't actually done something. There must have been a thousand just standing and waiting for their turn in stabbing Naruto.

"You know, this would be a lot more interesting if it weren't a bunch of rocks," Naruto mused. With the the slight angst behind her, Shion giggled. When Naruto put things in perspective... they didn't really seem scary. "Still, this might take some time."

Naruto let Shion stand on the ground as he unsealed his khakkhara from his right arm. "Are you going to be all right?" Shion murmured, feeling slightly nervous for the blond's safety. They were approaching the time of her vision when she... _thought_ Naruto would die. From something, anyway.

"I'll be right here, don't worry. Someone's got to keep this fools back while you seal Moryo away, right?" Naruto could seal the dark demon of whatever away as well with a dose of kick-ass Uzumaki sealing jutsu, but there were a bunch of soldiers in front of him and he needed to get Shion to the shrine.

Although it would've been easier to just skip over them all, allowing a bunch of stone soldiers into a relatively small tunnel was not a good idea. So Naruto spun the staff around as Shion backed away and headed towards the entrance of the shrine. "Storm Release: Zip Zop Zoobity Bop!"

Kurama burst into laughter. Shion heard the jutsu's name and giggled once before continuing on her valiant quest to seal away an evil demon plaguing the world. That's _very_ cliché, by the way.

A second after Naruto finished saying the name, he aimed his staff into the air. The soldiers kept advancing towards him, but were explosively repelled by streaks of lightning spearing through their stone bodies. The center of the loop at the top of the khakkhara was firing bolts of lightning from seemingly nowhere. Each bolt shattered several dozen bodies of the reanimated soldiers.

While Shion was locked in an epic struggle of her own, Naruto was having a blast (literally) blowing everything within viewing distance up. He carefully avoided destroying the shrine, but everything else was fair game.

Once there was a sizable pocket of free space around him, Naruto created half a dozen clones, each with their own staff out and ready. "Hold them off and wait for Kakashi and the others! I can feel them in the distance!" The clones nodded and assumed battle stances, each charging up their own Storm Release jutsu before the real Naruto ran off into the tunnel to find Shion.

When Kakashi and the others appeared, they saw six Naruto playing poker in the middle of a large series of smoking craters and rubble. Kiba, who was helping a slightly limping Shino, frowned at the group of blonds. "What the hell are you guys gambling with?" he asked.

They all shrugged. Kakashi chuckled to himself. "Is the real one with you?" the masked jounin asked.

The clones all shook their head. "Boss went inside the shrine with the priestess," one of the clones said.

Hinata frowned slightly. "He did?" Hinata asked, her stutter gone.

The clone that had previously answered nodded. "Yep. Held off the soldiers and then went inside. We don't know what's going on, but..." The clone's eyes widened. The other clones jumped up, looking in the direction of the shrine.

Kakashi and the others looked back at the shrine as well, wondering what was going. There wasn't-

Oh. _Oh..._

A large amount of imposing chakra washed over the area, causing the ninja to shiver and the clones to all dispel. "What the hell is going on in there..." Shino muttered. Everyone's jaws dropped as they turned to him. "What? I can be surprised sometimes too," Shino stated.

**VvVvV**

=The Shrine=

Naruto jogged down the tunnel leading to the main room of the shrine. There was an icky (yes, icky) sensation linger in the air that made him feel slightly uneasy. It wasn't powerful at all, but he was still able to feel the intense negative emotions in the air.

When he reached the bottom, his jaw dropped. "What the fuck? There's freaking magma or lava or whatever it is flowing freely here. How is this a suitable place for a shrine?"

"**Maybe if the magma flow increases, the demon's body gets destroyed?**"

_Oh come on, you know better than that._ Kurama snorted and went back to watching what was going on through Naruto's eyes.

The blond saw Shion a short distance lying on some strange alter. She was breathing heavily and she looked pretty damn scared. Naruto frowned. The feeling in the air was intensifying, meaning that the beast hadn't been sealed yet... or Shion had failed.

Then the ground began rumbling. If Naruto would've stumbled for comedic effect, but he was too preoccupied on the intensifying feelings of evil. The ground began shattering and all of a sudden, several dark-colored heads burst out of the ground.

Naruto looked up at the ridiculous amount of heads... tails... whatever the fuck it was. It didn't have much chakra at all compared to other beings, but the darkness it gave off was similar to the Tailed Beasts.

The giant thing roared and Naruto decided to blow up. "Stupid demon!" Naruto yelled, grinning at the giant thing. "You have no reason to exist here!" Naruto put his arms out to the side and entered his bar-pupils mode. Large, spinning shuriken appeared in each hand. He threw both of them at the demon. It tried to avoid the shuriken, but both of them exploded, causing large parts of the demon's body to disentigrate.

After using a quick Wind Release jutsu to clear the dust and debris from his line of sight, Naruto jumped on top of a flailing tail or whatever it was supposed to be and used it to achieve some height.

"Naruto!" Shion screamed, finding the scene began to match her premonition. Naruto couldn't die; he was too strong for that!

The entity of darkness thrashed around in an attempt to destroy the blond-haired ninja attacking it. One of its heads were destroyed, but quickly reformed. Amorphous darkness wasn't exactly able to be destroyed by purely physical means.

The blond jumped on a head, kicked off, and then avoided the piercing tentacles before forming another Rasenshuriken and destroying it. As he was attached to the ceiling, Naruto frowned deeply at the monstrosity attacking him.

Shion had been told that it was impossible. You cannot fight your destiny; predestination removes free will. There is no reason to aim for anything else.

But that was not who he was and that was how he had changed the way Shion thought. Every human had a choice. Every human had the ability to make their decisions as they saw fit. It was part of why Shion had become attracted to her fellow blond. He was just... likeable.

Despite the situation, he took it without breaking a sweat. He was very nonchalant about the things around him; that she had realized while traveling with him. His answer about destiny was always the same. No matter how she questioned him, it was always the same.

Maybe that was why she decided to go through an alternate route. The ground below her cracked as if accommodating her wishes and let her fall. The darkness enveloped her and she closed her eyes, awaiting for both her end and the demon's.

Only Shion, the priestess of the Land of Demons, was able to destroy Moryo. Only her sacred lineage could do so. It was her destiny.

...But Naruto's beliefs made destiny shatter and run away crying like a little bitch. That was just his main way of doing things. Nothing would remove his freedom. Plus, getting shattered would probably hurt. A lot, too.

Shion opened her eyes, taking in the sight of the blond. Clad in golden armor and holding his staff, he jumped down and grabbed her by wrapping an arm securely around her waist. The darkness screamed in pain at the pure energy Naruto was radiating. "You know, sacrificing yourself is great and all, but there's a better way of defeating this thing than becoming a martyr," Naruto quipped, grinning at Shion.

Shion raked her eyes over his body, taking in how strange he looked. His eyes were slitted and his whisker-marks looked like black, painted streaks across his cheeks. The golden armor was more akin to a cloak and had streamers of gold energy trailing behind it. "What... what is this?" Shion asked.

Naruto grin widened. "This... is _my_ Tailed Beast mode." Defying gravity, Naruto's tailed propelled him out of the hole, all the while causing Moryo to screech in pain. The force of Naruto's jump caused him and Shion to keep going up and up. "I think we're going to need that bell that makes you hallucinate."

Shion took the belt from her shirt and handed it over to Naruto. One of the tails became like a hand and grabbed it before snapping it to the staff. Naruto raised the staff above his head. Even as Shion looked up the staff began glowing unnaturally-

"**Okay, this is a bit too serious. Come on, you stupid blond. Hurry up and defeat this thing with the other stupid blonde so you can go to her priestess abode and screw her silly.**"

Naruto almost faltered but continued charging up his staff. Once it was glowing bright enough to illuminate most of the room, he aimed it down and mentally wondered why on earth an ancient demon attempting to destroy the world would allow him to finish charging up his super amazing finishing move.

All heroes did that. Why did all villains have to _wait_ for all heroes to finish their attacks?

"Oh, by the way," Shion began, breaking Naruto out of his thoughts, "I think you used the word 'martyr' wrong."

Naruto shrugged and aimed his staff down at the writhing mass of dark-colored flesh... at least he thought it was flesh. In any case, a giant, yellow fox's head appeared around Naruto and Shion. The fox head opened its mouth and fired off the giant ball of swirling energy that was situated at the top of the staff.

Moryo died. How a demon could die was beyond Naruto, but it died anyway. It also ended up causing a volcano to erupt. What the fuck? The blond jinchuriki didn't much about geography, but surely that wouldn't cause a volcano to appear.

Naruto blinked as he found himself standing next to Shion outside of the shrine, watching the volcano in the distance. He hadn't flashed them away, so... what the hell had happened?

"**It's best not to question things that don't make sense. People end up getting angry and then the writers end up getting annoyed.**"

_What?_

"**Nothing.**"

"We did it."

"I know. We're amazing, right?"

Shion giggled. There were some footsteps behind them, prompting the two to turn around. Naruto saw Kakashi, Hinata, Kiba, Akamaru, Shino, Sakura, and Sasuke standing there. He didn't know where the latter two came from, though. They hadn't accompanied Kakashi... or his clones might not have been paying attention.

Shion turned to Naruto and smiled at him. "Well, my destiny is over for now... or is it? There might be another Moryo or two since it feeds on negative human emotion." Oh. That explained some things. "The priestess has to pass on her special power so..." Shion fidgeted for a moment. "Would you help in that respect, Naruto?"

Everyone's jaw dropped, except for Naruto. Hinata made a strangled squeak, Kakashi giggled perversely, and Sasuke wolf whistled. He also gave Naruto a thumbs up and was subsequently smacked in the head by Sakura.

Naruto stared at Shion for a moment before genuinely smiling. "Whatever you want, I'll do it, Shion." He'd had kunoichi make a pass at him before, but this was a bit different, so Naruto decided to act slightly more mature.

This caused Shion to grab his hand and faintly blush. It also caused Hinata to faint, Kiba to groan in annoyance, Kakashi to giggle even louder, and Sasuke to pelvic thrust in honor of his friend.

Kurama snickered within his mind. The great fox wondered how Naruto's spawn would end up looking.

As Shion began to lead Naruto away, the blond jinchuriki turned to his fellow ninja. "You should all head back to the Hidden Leaf for now. I'll return in a few days, just so you know."

Hinata, despite being in dreamland, fainted a second time.

* * *

**This was a fun chapter to blaze through. It was a slight break from the normal "whatever" thing, but there were some moments in this chapter that could be construed as such. And yes, I am being mean to poor little Hinata. Kind of. I don't know, I don't think it's being mean if you're not interested in a girl. The angsty talk thing will be when Pain hits the Hidden Leaf... if I decide to make him do that.  
**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Churned this out in a few hours. Please keep on the lookout for any errors.**

* * *

Chapter Fifteen: Misconceptions?

"So did you actually do it?"

Naruto let his forehead hit the table he, Kurama, and Kiba were sitting at. He banged his head a few more times on the table, hoping that he would somehow accumulate enough damage to make him forget the conversation he was having.

"For fucks sakes, I didn't do it! I don't know where these rumors are coming from!" Naruto screamed in frustration. Really, his temper was beginning to thin out. False rumors irritated the hell out of him.

Kiba gave him a skeptical look and then turned to Kurama. "What about you, strange redhead who I'm sure I've never met?"

Kurama's chin was propped up by her arm and she sleepily looked at Kiba before replying. "No, it didn't happen. I don't get why people think he keeps doing that."

Kiba abruptly stood up, causing his chair to fall over and some patrons of the breakfast shop the group was in to stare at him. "Hinata said that the girl ended up with a crush on you too and then you two sealed the deal!" the Inuzuka loudly said.

Naruto groaned and glanced around to make sure no one had completely heard that. He didn't need more rumors about him circulating through the Hidden Leaf. "First of all, Shion was a special case. Second of all, Amaru ended up with a crush on me because I saved her ass several times during that mission."

"That mission sucked," Kurama bluntly said. "Flying fortresses, massive destruction, and some stupid Tailed Beast poser. I enjoyed tearing that thing apart."

Kiba gave her an odd look, but Naruto snickered. "Yeah, that also caused the fortress to explode and crash, killing dozens of ninja in the process. We had to save Neji and Hinata from being crushed."

"You mean I had to save them from being crushed," Kurama corrected. She grinned victoriously at Naruto's frown. "You were too busy saving Amaru from falling to her death."

Naruto shrugged. "Meh, I help people in need... if I feel like it. And if they're female."

"Dude, that sounds pretty cruel," Kiba remarked. "Wasn't the Hidden Leaf attacked too?"

"Nah," Naruto answered, shaking his head. "I used my overpowered powers to stop that attack before it could occur. In any case, we won."

"All right... but did you get with that Amaru girl?"

Naruto groaned to himself. Why did people insist on asking him that? "No! For the last time, no! I only do that if the girl wants to do that! I know, it's a shocker, but not every kunoichi I meet wants to immediately jump me."

"Huh, people are saying otherwise," Kiba commented.

"They're just rumors!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger at Kiba. "Does no one realize how much that demeans females? It's like they make them out to be sex hounds!"

Tsume and Hana would have to be exempt from that.

"Not that it's wrong for that to happen," Kurama added, "But it's true. Some girls just want to talk and hang out with him. In fact, I don't think he actually does it that often."

"Usually with missing-nin, higher-up officials, and kunoichi that ask," Naruto supplied.

Kiba huffed. "It still happens. Got any tips for me?"

"No."

"Damn it."

"Hey!"

Naruto, Kurama, and Kiba turned to where the voice originated. They see a young Hyuuga girl staring at them. The kunoichi held her chin up with regal grace... Oh, who are we kidding. They're all pompous assholes except for Hinata and perhaps Neji after he takes that massive stick out of his ass.

"I'm listening?" Naruto said, a quizzical expression on his face. He didn't really recognize the girl in front of him. She looked kind of like Hinata, but then again, every freaking Hyuuga looked like Hinata. They were all pale, had white eyes, and had long, silky hair. Neji's hair looked better than Hinata's, for crying out loud.

The short Hyuuga pointed a finger at Naruto. "You're Naruto Uzumaki, aren't you?" she asked.

"No, I'm Minato Namikaze," Naruto replied. He grinned widely at her expression. It was obvious that she was not amused.

"Oi, you're Hinata's sister, aren't you?" Kiba asked, cocking his head at the Hyuuga.

She held her chin up high and smoothed her clothing. "I am Hanabi Hyuuga, heiress of the Hyuuga Clan," she stated in a haughty tone. "And yes, I am Hinata's sister."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. He turned to Kurama and mouthed, 'What the fuck is going on here?' Kurama shrugged, not really understanding what was going on either.

Hinata had a sister? Since when did she have a sister? "Excuse me for a moment, Hanabi," Naruto said. He and Kurama both vanished, much to Kiba and Hanabi's surprise.

Hanabi quickly grew irritated. "What? How dare he run out on me!" She felt righteous anger... kind of. Maybe that was why her name meant firecracker?

Elsewhere, Naruto and Kurama were pacing. They were pacing in an abandoned alleyway, wondering when the fuck did Hinata get a younger sibling.

"Hinata didn't have a younger sibling back in our time..." Naruto muttered.

"Her mother must have died later on in this timeline," Kurama said.

"So this time, she survived long enough to give birth to Hanabi... and then she died," Naruto offered.

"That must have been what happened. Although, I can already see that the two have differences in their personalities," Kurama mused.

Naruto snorted. "You're right. One's a shy, timid little girl and the other is a haughty bitch."

"I think I like the bitch better."

"Me too. Wait, does that make me a lolicon?" Naruto had a disgusted expression on his face.

"How old is she?" Kurama asked. "Might as well ask her. Genin can't be genin until around age thirteen-fourteen, right?"

"True... but I guess I don't like her in that way just yet." Naruto wasn't a completely shallow asshole, after all. He did like Tayuya and Karui, despite their headstrong personalities. "Wait, would it make me a lolicon if I'm underage too?"

"How can you be underage if you're both ninja?" Kurama asked in an exasperated tone. "Whatever, let's just head back." Kurama resealed herself within Naruto and the blond vanished, reappearing next to a glaring Hanabi and bored Kiba.

His sudden reappearance caused both of them to jump. "How dare you run out on me! I'm the-"

"Yeah yeah, I've heard it all. You're all self-important or whatever, blah blah blah," Naruto interrupted, cutting off Hanabi's rant. Every rich and privileged person acted like she did and it was rather annoying. It's not hard to understand that you have money, but it is hard to understand why that's supposed to allow you act like an asshole.

Hanabi puffed up her cheeks in irritation. "Are you Naruto Uzumaki?" she asked again, tapping her foot impatiently.

"**Why does no one ever notice my disappearances?**" Kurama whined. Naruto tuned the fox out and nodded to her.

"Yes I am and why are you asking?"

Hanabi walked around Naruto, looking him up and down with her hands on her hips. After about a minute of observation, much to Kiba's amusement, she stared back up at Naruto and frowned. "I am not impressed." Normally, she would simply state that her sister was infatuated to him, but she decided to respect her sister's wishes.

"Thanks," Naruto deadpanned. "I'm glad to hear your amazing opinion about me. Too bad I don't give a rat's ass about it."

Hanabi furrowed her brow at Naruto as Kiba paled. He leaned over to Naruto's ear and whispered, "Maybe you shouldn't piss off Hinata's sister... I mean, she is from the Hyuuga Clan..." As if that explained everything.

Naruto pushed Kiba away. "Look, firecracker, I don't care much about you. You have a pretty face and a slim figure and I'm sure that's what society likes nowadays, but you don't really mean anything to me. What did you want? Did you just come here to evaluate my status as a suitor of your sister?"

Hanabi backed away slightly and raised her eyebrows at Naruto's mini-rant. Huh, he got it spot on. Somewhat. "Yes... and no. A suitor of my sister, though? Why would you think my father would allow you to do that?" Hanabi questioned, tilting her head slightly.

The well-known cliché among the Hidden Leaf was that Hiashi was an ass. Despite that popular belief, Hiashi actually cared much for his daughters. There was no fucking way he would just allow random suitors to walk up to his daughters and ask for their hands in marriage. Hell no.

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know. I was just asking. What else did you want, by the way?"

Hanabi shuffled in her spot for a moment, appearing unsure of herself. She was about to speak, but Naruto cut her off. "How old are you, by the way?"

Kiba stared at Naruto for a moment before rolling his eyes. "Are you really that dense? She's twelve."

Hanabi huffed. "I am nearly fifteen, mind you."

Naruto nodded. "All right... I might not have a problem with that. Maybe in a year or two I'll give it a chance." Naruto leaned down and patted the Hyuuga's head, much to her irritation.

"Can I speak now, or am I going to be continually interrupted by trivial questions?" Hanabi bit out. Naruto and Kiba glanced at each other and motioned for her to go on. "Thank you. Are you really spending time with hookers?"

Naruto and Kiba both fell over at that blunt statement. Kurama's cackling echoed in Naruto's head. Maybe Hinata was a bit more vindictive than people thought. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, after all.

The blond jinchuriki recovered and quickly yelled, "I do not spend time with hookers! Who the hell told you that?" He might have yelled it a bit too loudly because several people glared at him for his outburst.

"Neji did," Hanabi blandly replied.

Kiba burst out laughing. "This must be revenge from when you dyed his robes red, right? I swear, everyone had a heart attack when they saw that. They all thought he was bleeding out!" Because that was supposed to be funny, right?

It was supposed to be funny. And it was actually pretty funny at the time. Neji did, however, vow his eternal revenge. "Probably," Naruto muttered. The blond returned his attention to Hanabi. "No, I do not spend all of my time with hookers. Tell your cousin I'm going to kick his ass for that, by the way."

"Who do you spend your time with, then?" Hanabi asked, not really caring that she was being nosy. "Neji-niisan mentioned that you spend time with a lot of kunoichi."

"That's a pretty broad question," Naruto answered. "A lot of people spend time with kunoichi. What makes what I do any different?" That was very debatable.

Hanabi squirmed in place. "Well... Neji-niisan said that you... _spend_ time with women. I don't really understand what he's getting at and I was hoping someone would explain it to me. Hinata-oneesama fainted when I asked her and Neji only smiled when I asked him before walking away."

"Was he laughing maniacally?" Kiba asked.

Hanabi nodded. "Yes. His smile looked pretty strange, too."

"Huh, that's strange. As for your question... well, it's true, but they're not hookers. I'll explain more later, if you want. Just head by the Fourth's old mansion and ask the girls there."

Kiba froze and then began to leave. "I'm out. I want no part in this."

"What are hookers anyway?" Hanabi asked.

Naruto smirked at the Hyuuga heiress. Oh, he and Karin were going to _enjoy_ this. It was always fun corrupting nobility.

**VvVvV**

=Somewhere in the Land of Lightning=

Yugito ran down a sewer, intentionally leading the two Akatsuki that were pursuing her into a trap. She really didn't know if the trap would work, but she was confident in her abilities to defeat them.

Hopefully it would work... how powerful could two random missing-nin be? Naruto had mentioned that they were all on par of at least a high-level jounin, but his warnings fell on deaf ears. Sort of. Yugito believed him, but again, she was confident in her abilities. She was a jounin of the Hidden Cloud, for crying out loud.

Then again, she had been defeated rather handily by Naruto. The same guy who had then gone and handily defeated Bee in a spar. Yugito shook her head in amusement; only Bee would call that fight a spar. He was probably sore about losing.

When the two members caught up to her, she was waiting in an area where the sewers all headed to. "Finally caught up to you, bitch," the one with the slicked back hair said. He had a triple-bladed scythe in his hand and had a devious smirk on his face. "I'll be happy to sacrifice you to Lord Jashin!"

"Actually, we can't do that," the mask-wearing one rumbled. "We'll just knock her out and extract the beast from her body."

"Whatever, Kakuzu," the man flippantly said. He wasn't paying much attention to his partner.

Yugito smirked at their bickering and firmed a ram hand seal, causing the exploding tags she had planted to go off and seal off the cavern. "I led you here so I could remove you two. You're enemies of the jinchuriki and of the Hidden Cloud."

"You know of our motives?" Kakuzu asked. His face remained impassive, but he seemed to be intrigued as to how she knew that. Had the Hidden Sand decided to help non-allied villages?

"A little fox told me," Yugito replied, her smirk widening. "Once you two are removed, I can sleep a little easier at night." Rather than continue the bickering, Yugito immediately entered her Tailed Beast state, her body turning into a wraith of fire. The image of a cat of flames manifested itself before roaring and exhaling a large fireball at the Akatsuki ninja.

Kakuzu sighed and jumped away. "Don't die, Hidan," the man said.

"Hey!" Hidan exclaimed as he got hit by the fireball and was blasted away. "That fucking hurt, infidel! I'll enjoy offering you to Lord Jashin!"

The Nibi-fied Yugito snarled and slashed at the pale man, sending him flying. Of course, Akatsuki weren't Akatsuki for nothing. Hidan had managed to clip the giant, flaming cat with a pike. This had the effect of giving him an anchor to use to his advantage.

Hidan used it to right himself in the air and swing closer to Yugito, much to the giant cats irritation. It tried batting him away with its claws again, but Hidan ducked and dived, taunting the cat each time it missed. He rolled in close and swung his scythe, actually managing to cut off bits of the fire that made up Yugito's Nibi form.

"Heh! You're dead now!" the man screamed. Twirling the scythe, he swung it just as he avoided another strike from Yugito's blazing paw. The special scythe cut deeply into the chakra cloak, nicking the Nibi's jinchuriki in the process.

The gigantic form of the Nibi flinched, hissing loudly at Hidan. "Loud fucking cat," Hidan exclaimed. He then brought the scythe to his lips and ingested Yugito's blood. Hidan's body blackened with white symbols appearing where his skeletal structure was.

It looked like a scene from a terrible horror movie.

And then Hidan stabbed himself in the lung. Well, he would have, had Naruto not appeared out of fucking nowhere and stopped him.

"Yo – Hey, stop that!" Naruto snapped, ripping the scythe out of Hidan's hands and chucking it away. He froze the surprised Hidan and turned his body from the neck down into an ice cube before smirking at the man. "You mad yet? But seriously, I have absolutely no idea who you are. Although, I really have to admit, you look pretty strange at the moment."

The giant flaming cat behind him dissipated and returned to a more human appearance. Yugito walked up to Naruto, panting slightly from her previous exertions. "Naruto, where did you come from?" she asked, wondering just where the hell her fellow blond had come from.

It was like he just appeared out of thin air.

Oh, wait a minute.

"Flying Thunder God," Naruto nonchalantly said.

Kakuzu rubbed his chin from the rock he was sitting on. "Where's the flash, brat?"

"Oh, that's subjective," Naruto answered.

"_Subjective_?" Yugito asked, raising an eyebrow. "How is that _subjective_?"

"She's right," Hidan said, joining the conversation. "That makes no sense at all."

"I can make it flash if I want," Naruto replied, crossing his arms and huffing childishly. "I'm the most amazing ninja ever, so I can make it do what I want. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Considering you're practically a baby ninja, yes," Kakuzu answered. "Now, can we get on with this? As amusing as it is to converse with you two, we're supposed to be capturing you."

Naruto realized Kakuzu, the famed hunter-nin, was in the cavern as well. In the blond jinchuriki's honest opinion... his presence made no sense at all.

"Might I ask why you're even in Akatsuki?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "I'm being paid a lot of money."

"**Called it. No way a bounty hunter would randomly join up an organization bent on world destruction and/or domination.**"

Yugito's jaw dropped. "That's it? You joined Akatsuki because you were paid to do so?" Kakuzu nodded. "What about you, popsicle?"

Hidan snarled at Yugito and attempted to move, but Naruto's ice held firm. "Damn you! At least get this ice off of me! It's starting to fucking burn."

"You're immortal. What do you care?" Naruto quipped, grinning as Hidan jerked his head around. "At least answer the lady. I might release you if you do."

"Fine! Jashin damn you all!" Hidan thrashed about for a few more seconds before going still. "I joined Akatsuki because Kakuzu here is a pioneer in immortality!"

"For the last time, I am not a pioneer in immortality. There is no such thing as immortality."

"I'm a living contradiction, then!"

"You can die if you don't get enough nourishment," Kakuzu rumbled, giving Hidan a bored stare. Then he looked back at Naruto and Yugito. "Anyway, are we going to fight or not? I kind of want to collect my bounty money."

"What if I pay you instead?" Naruto asked.

Yugito palmed her face so hard that a red mark was left behind when she removed her hand. "Naruto, are you serious? They're both S-class, sadistic missing ninja! Why would you even ask them that?"

"Hidan's going to try and kill everyone regardless, but Kakuzu is cool," Naruto explained.

"Hey! I'm cool too, aren't I?"

Somewhere, a cricket chirped.

Naruto gave Hidan a blank look before unfreezing him. The Jashinist collapsed on the soggy floor. "Now you're not. Kakuzu is a really good hunter-nin and I believe having him help cut down the other Akatsuki members would help. He can still hunt down other idiots too."

"How much are we talking about to begin with?" Kakuzu asked, his interest piqued.

Naruto handed a note to Hidan, who was muttering obscenities under his breath. Hidan read the note, grinned, and then handed it off to Kakuzu. The sound of a register echoed throughout the cavern.

"Even I think that's a lot of money," Kakuzu said, grinning gleefully underneath his mask. "You see those zeros, Hidan? That's what'll get you far in life! Not your childish, false religion!"

"Shut up, infidel!" Hidan screamed. "At least I'm not a godless atheist like you are!"

"Hey, hey!" Naruto yelled, raising his voice so that he could maintain order. "Someone believing in a different religion than you or not believing in one at all doesn't give you a reason to be a prejudiced asshole!"

"It's not prejudice if it's true!" Hidan argued.

"Now _that's_ subjective," Yugito piped in. She chuckled sheepishly when everyone turned to stare at her. "It's true, you know."

Naruto shook his head in amusement. "All right, are we done here? You go off and hunt some criminals since I changed your views with the power of my therapy jutsu."

"You mean with the power of your damning money," Hidan corrected. "What am I supposed to do anyway?"

"Oh, I have an idea..." Naruto said, smirking deviously.

**VvVvV**

=One of Orochimaru's Lairs=

"Why am I so amused by this?" Naruto asked.

"It's because you're insane," Karin replied. "Who else blows up settlements for a kick?"

"That was a corrupted settlement. Orochimaru had his roots in it," Naruto muttered. "It's not like I'm evil or anything... I'm just kind of morally ambiguous."

"Right," Karin drawled. "Anyway, where'd Hidan go? Is he through gutting the abominations yet?"

After searching for a moment, Naruto spotted Hidan dragging the upper half of a corpse. He was covered in blood and was humming a cheery tune. The man dumped the body on the floor and then bowed to Naruto. "Thank you, Lord Naruto, for giving me this settlement of infidels to sacrifice!"

"Yeah, no problem," Naruto replied, smirking at the Jashinist. "You find those plans yet?" Hidan handed over a slightly bloodied folder. "Thanks for not completely destroying it," Naruto flatly said.

"No problem!" Hidan cheerily replied. Then the man turned tail, began to hum his cheery tune again, and went to slaughter more of the abominations known as Orochimaru's experiments.

"Maybe I should've brought Tayuya along. She would've enjoyed killing them as well," Naruto mused.

Karin snorted. "Well, what do the files say inside the folder? What was Orochimaru planning?"

Naruto opened the slightly bloodied folder and quickly scanned the files inside. "He's sending some team of ninja led by a kunoichi named Guren out to... capture the Three-Tailed Giant Turtle thingy. That thing's respawned already?"

"**Yeah, Isobu's been swimming around for a month now.**"

_Why was I not fucking reminded of this, Kurama?_

"**...I forgot?**" Kurama offered. Naruto groaned and gnashed his teeth. How was he going to ride a giant turtle thing at the beach now? He needed to get to it before either Akatsuki sealed it or Orochimaru's henchmen sealed it.

"It's in a random lake in this area... Wait, weren't Sakura, Hinata, Ino, and Shizune sent there? Shit, we've got to get going."

"What about Hidan?"

Naruto shrugged. "He'll keep killing stuff until he gets bored and then he'll probably gorge himself on ramen or something. The guy eats more than I do. Anyway, let's go."

Naruto grabbed Karin and the two vanished, leaving Hidan to enjoy killing human guinea pigs.

They ended up flashing right in front of a kunoichi with light blue hair. There were a set of males with the kunoichi, all of which seemed to be preparing for something.

What was even stranger was that there wasn't supposed to be a seal in that area... or was there? With Naruto, it's kind of hard to tell. His father probably threw Flying Thunder God kunai everywhere just for the hell of it.

Their sudden appearance caused Guren, her lackeys, and Yukimaru to jump in surprise. "What the – where did you come from?" Guren yelled, assuming a defensive stance.

Karin wobbled for a bit before a clone caught her. "Yeah, you can't be here. You're not exactly fighting material," the clone said.

"Hey! I can fight... kind of. By the way, giant super demon over there." Karin pointed in some random direction before the clone flashed back to the Hidden Leaf.

Despite the enemies getting ready to fight, Naruto turned to the nearby lake where he saw the Three-Tails floating in the water. "I'm happy now," the blond said, smiling cheerfully.

Everyone stopped and stared at him. Guren in particular frowned. "Why are you happy? We're Orochimaru's subordinates. Shouldn't you be fearing for your life?"

"Oh, I have a very small sense of well-being for myself. It's probably the reason why I used to run at people from a million miles away with a Rasengan in my hand." Naruto paused and then laughed slightly. "Then again, I don't know what's worse: the fact that I used to telegraph my attacks, or the fact that everyone _remained still_ for my attacks."

Why the fuck would people stand still and allow some blond dimwit to shove a spiraling ball of kickass into their gut? Fortunately, this blond hero was _not_ a dimwit... most of the time.

Before anyone could reply to that, the Three-Tailed Giant Turtle thingy roared and began to thrash around in the lake. From Naruto's perspective, it looked like Isobu was throwing a hissy fit.

"Wait... why is there a link between the Three-Tails and the brat over there?" Naruto asked, pointing to Yukimaru.

"Don't call him a brat!" Guren admonished, shifting her stance so that she would have an easier time of defending Yukimaru if anything threatened him.

Naruto raised an eyebrow at that. "I thought you were one of Orochimaru's lackeys. As in, not really giving a shit about the loss of life or horrifyingly disfiguring experiments."

Suddenly, a brilliant light enshrouded the Three-Tails, who was still thrashing around in irritation. Something was irritating it... right. Random link between a giant beast and a small boy. That makes sense.

"They're sealing the Three-Tails! Yukimaru, stop them!" Guren ordered before creating a crystal blade and running forward to attack Naruto.

Naruto began to dip, dive, duck, and nonchalantly evade Guren's frantic slashes. While he was doing it and further enraging Guren, he observed the sealing barrier surrounding the Three-Tails. "That's a pretty impressive-looking barrier," Naruto said.

Slash. Miss.

"Not very efficient, though."

Stab. Sidestep.

"I can think of several ways to make that barrier powerful enough to withstand Yukimaru's link, but it's going to break right about... now."

Cue frustrated growl, the yell of a brat, and the sealing barrier shattering, as well as a gigantic turtle demon thing's rampage.

Guren's sword finally made contact with Naruto's skin, only to shatter into a million shiny little pieces. The kunoichi was stunned. "H-How did you do that? Nothing can get past my jutsu!"

"I've heard that a million times before," Naruto replied. Then he frowned, feeling two irritating signatures appear. "Zetsu and... _that_ guy? How is he – Oh, right, no Uzumaki Clan to seal him away this time." The giant turtle thing was also moving away from his position.

"What are you talking about?" Guren asked, standing still for some reason. Actually, the reason could probably be because she was talking. When someone is talking, they're not supposed to do anything else. That's how reality works.

"Actually, I'm going to do this." Naruto entered Sage mode and then flipped through some seals. He slammed his palms on the ground and yelled, "Summoning: Sharingan Can't Touch This!"

The Three-Tailed Beast in the distance vanished at the same time as a massive amount of smoke obscured Naruto's position. There was a roar and Isobu appeared, looking even more irritated.

Given how the turtle's face looked, you couldn't really tell when it wasn't irritated. The thing was missing an eye, for crying out loud.

Guren's jaw dropped. Yukimaru shrieked like a little girl... probably because he kind of looked like one. Guren's henchman were all squashed when the thing was summoned.

And then Isobu gobbled Naruto and Guren up. Why a chakra construct would require sustenance of any kind was beyond human comprehension.

**VvVvV**

=Inside a Giant Turtle's Stomach=

When Naruto and Guren landed somewhere inside the beast's body, Guren rounded on Naruto, anger evident in her expression. "You... You...!" she snarled, unable to form words. She was that angry.

"Me... me...?" Naruto replied, raising an eyebrow. "Yes, I'm aware we're in this thing's belly."

Guren growled at the blond before storming away. "Hey, wait!" Naruto yelled out.

"What? What do you want?" Guren snapped. "It's bad enough that I was taking orders from Kabuto, but now I'm stuck in the stomach of a giant turtle!"

Naruto snorted. "Yeah, I'd be pretty angry if I had to take orders from Kabuto too. God, that guy's face just makes me want to punch him as hard as I can. And that's pretty damned hard. Besides, you're heading towards the large intestine."

Guren froze and her fair skin turned to an unhealthy shade of green. "I think I'm going to be sick," she muttered. She fell to her knees and leaned down, heaving slightly.

Naruto rolled his eyes, walked up to her, and rubbed her back in an attempt to stave off her nausea. After her stomach settled she rose and shoved him away from her. "I didn't need your help!" she yelled.

"Why do you keep yelling?" Naruto asked, rubbing his right ear. "Yes, Orochimaru is dead. I get it. That doesn't mean you have to get angry at the world or anything. Death is a natural process."

"**For anyone except for you, Tailed Beasts, and the God of Death, not to mention reanimated people who aren't sealed away,**" Kurama piped in. Naruto ignored that.

"Orochimaru is dead?" Guren choked out, looking shocked. "He's immortal! He can't be killed!"

"Stop denying it," Naruto flatly said. "Who gave you your orders then? Orochimaru was removed from existence a while ago."

Guren sighed. "Kabuto gave us our orders... well, now me and Yukimaru since the Tailed Beast you so handily summoned squashed my men."

"Oh, did he? Damn, I should've killed him too when I had the chance," Naruto replied, snapping his fingers.

"_You_ killed Orochimaru?" Guren asked in a shocked tone of voice.

"I summoned a Tailed Beast, so is killing Orochimaru so beyond your comprehension?"

"Not really, no..." Guren replied. Then she began to pace back and forth. "Why did you kill Orochimaru, by the way? And how, too?"

Naruto gave her a blank look. "You're kidding me, right? Orochimaru is a missing ninja from the Hidden Leaf, wanted for murdering babies and children all over the world. Sure, morality is all based on perception, but killing babies and children is just wrong. I'm fairly sure that's universal."

"I guess so," Guren murmured. "He did make me kill fangirls who thought they were jinchuriki, had the Sharingan, and thought that they were loved by everyone."

"That's not that bad, to be honest," Naruto mused. "But still, he killed babies and children. He's a pedophile too... I mean, when someone says 'I want that fresh young body of yours'..." The blond trailed off, looking at Guren meaningfully.

The light blue-haired kunoichi giggled at him before a horrified expression appeared on her face. "You didn't hear that," she said, creating a crystal blade and pointing it at Naruto's heart. "You heard _nothing_."

Naruto smirked at her. "I wasn't aware that finding something funny was a crime. Then again, people have fucking strange ideas of the perfect ninja." Naruto shook his head. Sure, he was a weapon and all, and he was perfectly fine with that, but he liked his emotions. They made life fun.

"What about Yukimaru?" Guren suddenly asked.

"You did seem protective of him," Naruto noted. "Is he your brother, family member, or lover? You never know if a lady's into that kind of thing."

Guren lowered her crystal blade and stared at Naruto with a deadpan expression. "He's someone I took care of when he was sick and then he became something more to me."

"So you're a pedophile too? I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but-"

"No! It's not like that!" Guren shrieked, stomping the ground with her foot. "He's like my little brother."

"And he's what caused you to doubt your loyalty to Orochimaru?" Naruto asked. "Don't act so surprised. You don't exactly say the guy's name with respect. But since Orochimaru's dead, you and Yukimaru can defect and head to the Hidden Leaf. We always like getting new people."

"That was really out of the blue," Guren deadpanned.

"Everything I do is out of the blue," Naruto replied. "By the way, is your Crystal Release a bloodline? Or did Orochimaru splice it into you in some horrifying, trauma-filled experiment?"

"Bloodline," Guren said.

Naruto nodded. "So the Hidden Leaf might end up getting a bloodline."

"What?" Guren intelligently replied. "I'm not some breeding stock for you to use?"

"Why do kunoichi always assume that? I just asked you to go to the Hidden Leaf."

"You implied something else though."

"If your mind is _that_ dirty, I'll be happy to satiate it."

This caused Guren's jaw to drop. She stared at the smirking blond for a good thirty seconds in shock. "Did you seriously just ask what I think you asked?"

Naruto shrugged. "Duh. I'm a jinchuriki too, so I'll make it worth your time."

Guren's face turned red. Whether it was from anger or embarrassment was yet to be seen. She took a deep breath before replying. "If you get us out of here, I'll give you a chance. You don't look half-bad to begin with."

The blond jinchuriki grinned. "All right. Get out of here, Isobu."

The Giant Turtle Thing vanished and reappeared in the lake, causing Naruto and Guren to flail comically in mid-air before falling back down to earth. Yukimaru had been waiting there, as had the newcomers – four kunoichi from the Hidden Leaf – and all had greeted their respective comrades.

"Hey, Isobu!" Naruto yelled out to the Tailed Beast on the lake. "If you see a plant guy or a guy with a mask, fire at will!" The Beast waved its tail to confirm that it had heard him before going back underwater.

"So now what?" Guren asked, eying the Leaf kunoichi warily.

"Now... we head back to the Hidden Leaf. Jiraiya's got a trip he wants to invite me on, so we have to get you two registered," Naruto explained. Guren leaned down to Yukimaru's level and whispered something into his ear. The boy nodded before sighing in relief.

Hurray, no more Orochimaru.

"I guess we really do have a home now, don't we Guren?" Yukimaru said, smiling.

"**I KNEW SOMEONE WAS GOING TO BRING IT UP!**" Kurama mentally roared.

* * *

**And... that's that. I'm not into the loli thing, so Hanabi is like... one-two years younger than Naruto. Plus, I couldn't resist with the corruption thing. Neji is a pervert, yes. That RTN smile, man! That smile! The Hanabi corruption thing wasn't my idea, though. Someone sent me a message about it but I forgot who it was. Sorry!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Eyes aren't exactly durable.  
**

* * *

Chapter Sixteen: The Old Pervert Is Snoring

=Land of Rain/Whatever=

"Yeesh, you're a sight slower than usual," Jiraiya remarked, glancing at his godson with barely veiled amusement in his eyes.

The blond next to him huffed in exasperation. First Pakura and now Jiraiya. What a pain.

The cool rain was dripping off of him, but thankfully, the hooded cloak he was wearing helped ward off most of it. "That's right, you don't have any experience with extremely hormonal women," Naruto muttered.

Jiraiya stopped, his hood crinkling as he turned to Naruto. "Are you kidding me? You try being Tsunade's teammate once she begins to... ah, develop. That was both fun and traumatizing."

Naruto scoffed. "That doesn't count."

"You're right, your situation can't really compare. Although, I remember that your dad liked to poke fun at your mom when she was pregnant with you. Or rather, your alternate you. I don't even know how to classify them anymore."

"We can't say Naruto One and Naruto Two?" the blond replied, raising an eyebrow despite his face being hidden by darkness.

Jiraiya wrinkled his nose. "I think that'll end up being more confusing."

"Whatever. When do we reach the Hidden Rain's walls? I'm sure Pain or whatever he likes to call himself will eventually realize that two high-level ninja have infiltrated his lands."

Jiraiya nodded. "Right, that weird jutsu he can use to find out if there are intruders. It should be a few m- Oh, there it is. See it in the distance?" The toad sage pointed out the lights in the distance. Even with the lights, if they hadn't been actively searching for the village, they would've missed it.

"So how are we going to do this?" Naruto asked, wondering how his godfather would infiltrate the village.

Jiraiya hummed for a moment before taking out sealing paper with a waterproof seal inscribed on it. He scribbled some things down before handing it to Naruto. "I know you know what this seal is, so we'll just inspect the village until we meet up. Don't go causing any trouble or anything," Jiraiya cautioned.

Naruto looked over the seals before nodding in satisfaction. Then he glanced at his perverted godfather, a smirk plastered onto his face. "Don't worry about it. I won't cause any trouble."

"At this point, I'm not inclined to believe you."

"Smart," Naruto mirthfully replied. The two ninja saluted each other before jumping away in opposite directions. Jiraiya went left, Naruto went right. Each of them had their own way to infiltrate the Village Hidden by the Rain.

Naruto simply walked up to a wall and kept going. Walking right through the material, he ended up on the other side, completely free of any and all suspicion. He had to love bending reality on a whim. It wasn't always useful, but turning temporarily intangible was awesome.

On the inside, everything looked like a steam-punk wonderland.

Indeed, there were skyscrapers made up of metal, iron railings, and other things that made it look futuristic by ninja standards. One had to wonder how the hell the other villages weren't already like that. Weren't there spies that were supposed to figure out such secrets?

Naruto walked in the street, ignoring the other hooded ninja around him. Nobody liked getting wet, after all. Some of them wore a gas mask, which looked pretty silly. You could still breathe, even if it was heavily raining.

The blond knew that if he hadn't been damaging the way Nagato's super special sensing jutsu worked, he and Jiraiya would've been found out immediately. Right now, however, he was completely in the clear. So was Jiraiya.

So, first things first: Find Jiraiya. Then, he would goof off. He had beaten Nagato before, so it couldn't be much harder now, especially when the man didn't have an annoying amount of Tailed Beasts to call on. Even then, it wouldn't be too difficult.

The seal he had on him eventually led Naruto to a ramen stand. _Typical_, Naruto thought. Of course Jiraiya would lead him there. That's where everything of any importance happened: at a random ramen stand. Well, maybe not always, but ramen was always significant in Naruto's humble opinion.

The blond ordered a bowl of ramen as a snack and took a stool next to Jiraiya. "So," he began conversationally, "I guess a piping hot bowl helps warm up those chilled shoulders, eh?"

Jiraiya nodded absently. "Yep." The man gave Naruto a slight glare that translated to 'don't draw attention to yourself'.

Naruto's list only had two things on it: Find Jiraiya and then goof off. He had found Jiraiya, so why not goof off already? Oh well; he'd listen first and then leave. Luckily, the man who had served them ramen left to attend to other customers.

"So can I go do what I want now?" Naruto asked, turning slightly towards his godfather.

Jiraiya swallowed the noodles in his mouth and sighed. "Yeah. I'm going to do a bit of snooping. If I want any help, I'll buzz with the seal I gave you." Naruto nodded, accepting the... plan. You couldn't really call it a plan when Naruto was running around.

After a few more minutes, Jiraiya paid for his meal and left, blending into the throng of people wearing similar clothing to him. A lot of people were wearing hooded cloaks since it was raining... and because it looked cool. An excuse to wear a hooded cloak? Hell yes!

Naruto remained in the stand, inhaling ramen at a superhuman pace. He barely noticed a woman stare at him oddly before sitting down on a nearby stool. She placed an order and tried to ignore the obnoxious slurping noises coming from the other customer.

"Could you stop that, please?"

Naruto stopped eating, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and then glanced to his right. He saw a woman with short blue hair that had a paper flower in it. In addition, she was wearing a cloak adorned with red clouds. Finally, he realized that many people were staring at her with awe.

"If you want, I can remove him from the stand, my Lady," the owner of the stand muttered, bowing his head in respect to the blue-haired woman. Everywhere in the dim lighting of the stand, people quieted down to hear how the woman was going to respond.

"No, that is fine. He stopped, in any case," she answered smoothly. She scanned the menu she had been given before placing an order for some random brand of ramen no one cared about. Despite that fact, the chef seemed to hang onto her every word.

In Naruto's opinion, it was a near-fanatical obsession; an obvious one, too.

When the woman received her ramen, she began to slurp it in a regal, sedate pace. It reminded Naruto of the way Shion ate before the, ah, event. And what happened after the event.

"So is there a reason why everyone treats you like you're the greatest thing that's happened to them?" Naruto asked, glancing at the woman near him. He was sure to keep his voice low and to hide the whisker-marks on his face.

The woman's gray-yellow eyes met his blue and raised an eyebrow. She delicately slurped up the rest of her meal before replying. "Yes, there is."

Naruto waited a few moments for her to continue. When she didn't, he decided to annoy her a bit more, only without the slurping noises. "So I don't get a definitive answer?" Naruto folded his arms over his chest in a display of mock-annoyance. "I bet it's because you're a princess or something. I bet you think you're better than me, right?"

Konan sighed to herself and turned again to face the man who was, in effect, calling her out. She could feel the citizens of the Hidden Rain raging in their places. "I am not a princess. I simply chose to help my village and because of that, they are grateful." There. That should satisfy the man.

"Really? Is that why they want to lick the shit from your boots?"

Or not. The blue-haired Akatsuki member completely turned to Naruto, a slight scowl on her features. For anyone else, it wasn't much. For Konan, it was a metric fuck-ton considering how well she controlled her emotions when out in public. The only one who saw her true self was her best friend, Nagato.

"You really shouldn't attempt to cause trouble," she coolly said. Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Your actions label you as an outsider and outsiders have not been allowed to enter this village." Her tone was accusatory and, although seated, her body was beginning to prepare itself for a fight, however one-sided it would be.

Naruto snorted. "That's not very polite, you know. You act just like a privileged noblewoman and to be honest, it's pretty grating. You need to learn how to associate with the lower class because, believe it or not, we tend to enjoy life to its fullest."

Konan blinked. _That_ answer had taken her completely off-guard. She had expected bravado, a plea to continue living, and other things such as that. She was known to be associated with Nagato, after all.

Then again, the guy was an outsider, who was somehow within her home, and probably didn't know that. He _had_ insinuated that she didn't know the rough side of things, though. That ordinarily would be cause for righteous anger, but her emotional control was too great for that.

She might as well humor the guy. Konan never really took a break from Akatsuki business anyway, with Nagato ranting about how four members of Akatsuki had been defeated in the past few months. "All right then, prove it to me," Konan said. The onlookers gasped, but a quick glare from her made everyone shut their faces.

Naruto smirked. Akatsuki member or not, he was going to show her just how to have a good time. No, not that kind of good time, although that did spring up in his mind every now and then. That thought was followed by memories of how Shion was acting... he had to forcefully repress the shudder that threatened to attack his body.

"First of all, we need to get you to blend in," Naruto began, leading the woman to the edge of the ramen stand. They were still underneath its roof, so they didn't get any rain poured over their heads. He frowned for a moment before turning to her. "By the way, what's your name?"

Konan's eyebrow twitched. "My name is Konan of the Hidden Rain. What is your name?" she replied. She was still going to be respectful even if the weird man she was talking had very strange and annoying tendencies.

"Me? I'm Naruto." Because there were likely other people named Naruto, Konan didn't realize she was speaking with a targeted jinchuriki. "Now then, how can we change that pretty face of yours?" The blond tapped his chin, wondering what he was going to do.

Konan sighed. "What about you? You're still covered by that hood of yours."

"I guess I'm being rude now, aren't I?" Naruto said, casting a sidelong grin at Konan. He removed his hood, revealing long, spiky blond hair that was held back into a short ponytail. Deep, blue eyes made contact with Konan's gray-yellow ones.

If the whisker-marks were still present, Konan would've realized who she was speaking with. But that was the beauty of the Kyuubi: unbreakable transformations! Fuck yeah!

"You don't look half-bad," Konan remarked in a monotone voice.

The blond chuckled to himself. "Now, how can we make you blend in with the people who frequent this fine, wet village?" Naruto tapped his chin and looked over Konan's outfit. Seriously, it left _everything_ to the imagination. That was boring. "First of all, we need to ditch the red clouds. That kind of leaves an impression."

Konan glanced down at her outfit and then back up at Naruto's. "You're wearing a plain black traveling cloak," she pointed out.

"And I blend in with every other person who walks around. Besides, I'm wearing ordinary clothing underneath this cloak." Naruto paused. "I would ask you that question, but it seems a bit intrusive. At least change your cloak to something less distinctive."

After thinking it over, Konan finally relented. She led Naruto to a nearby clothing shop and, after receiving a hefty dose of ass-kissing, bought an ordinary black cloak. She also removed the paper flower from her hair.

"You're done already?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow at the blue-haired woman as she exited the changing rooms. The clothing shop had racks with a variety of clothing and was quite warm to accommodate the chilly, rainy weather outside.

"Am I not supposed to be done?" Konan asked, feeling slightly confused by the way Naruto was acting. She hadn't ever _really_ gone shopping. Usually, she just appeared, took whatever clothing they gave her, and left. She wasn't a girly-girl by any stretch of the term given her past.

Naruto gazed at her and then grinned deviously. "I can't believe it... you have no idea what you're doing, do you?" Konan only stared blankly at him. Okay... not really the reaction he was expecting. "I guess you're too much of a regal woman to know what to do, right?" Naruto quipped.

Konan's eyebrow twitched again. "What would you expect me to do?"

"Shop for yourself. Find clothing that you think looks good on you. Or, you can just act silly and buy whatever you want. I was never one for fashion, so I don't care either way. Just have fun while doing it. This is what normal people do instead of watching court jesters dance or whatever."

Konan rolled her eyes and began to walk around. Several outfits that were her size ended up catching her eye and she piled them on her arm and walked back to Naruto, who was waiting patiently. She looked at him and waited, expecting some reprimand.

"Try them on," Naruto suggested, jerking a thumb over to the changing rooms. "You can't honestly see how it fits without trying it on first."

The blue-haired kunoichi would have huffed in frustration. Naruto kept stating the obvious, over and over again. Maybe she deserved it though since she _did_ wait for directions. Konan decided to take some initiative.

As she began to change under the cover of the rooms, she heard Naruto's voice drift through and say, "By the way, show me how you look. It's more fun that way." That made her slightly nervous since she was walking out of the safety net she had constructed around herself.

Naruto looked Konan over. Normally, clothing would be described, but it was very likely that he would never see her wear any of the clothes she was trying out again. Naruto could tell that her normally stoic face had a slight nervousness about it. Self-conscious indeed.

"Well?" Konan began in a slightly anxious tone of voice. "How do I look?"

The blond was surprised of her tone, but grinned and gave her a thumbs up. "You look nice. Well, you'd look nice in anything, anyway. Go on, try out something else."

Konan tentatively nodded and turned around to head back into the changing room. A small smirk was present on her face, although she didn't realize it. What she did realize was that it was beginning to feel good to be complimented.

Nagato never did that and most of the other Akatsuki ninja were insane. Itachi was the only one who wasn't even though he offed his entire clan. Besides, the Uchiha was usually ridiculously quiet. He wasn't even brooding like Uchiha were supposed to.

The next few sets of clothing went by rather quick. Naruto either liked or loved them all and complimented her every time. His grin never faded, either. Konan briefly wondered how such a happy guy could exist before slipping in a fancy kimono that had caught her eye.

The random blond guy was right; trying on random clothes was fun. Really, really fun. Cleaning out Nagato's wallet was going to be entertaining, too.

Naruto's eyes lit up when he saw Konan walk out in a fancy, light kimono. Her smirk had turned into a small smile and her eyes were shifting left and right in increased anticipation. "How do I look?" she softly said.

"Very nice," Naruto replied, his grin wider than it had been before. "Now we're ready to hit the cold, wet town. I saw something you might like while we were walking around."

Konan raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What did you see, Naruto?"

Naruto grinned. "Pay for your stuff, seal them away, and I'll show you."

**VvVvV**

=Tower Where Nagato's Real Body Camps Out=

Konan slowly opened the door and slipped into the room where Nagato's weird-ass contraption thing was since his legs were essentially useless. She stared at his emaciated body and sighed in slight annoyance when she saw the book he was reading.

"Are you really reading that, Nagato?"

Nagato paid her no mind. He did repress the perverted giggle that threatened to escape from his lips, though. "Where were you?" the redhead asked as he nonchalantly flipped a page.

"I was... out," Konan slowly replied. She felt kind of guilty about ditching Nagato since Naruto had taken her out dancing. She was completely fucking horrendous at it and so Naruto attempted to teach her proper steps. She ended up having a lot of fun; having Naruto take her places helped take a great deal of stress off of her shoulders.

Most of it was related to paperwork regarding the Village Hidden by the Rain and Akatsuki. Why a criminal organization comprised of S-rank missing-nin had paperwork, nobody knew.

Briefly, Konan wondered if she should have told Naruto about her past. She wasn't _always_ treated like some supreme deity. Most of it was by association to Nagato and Akatsuki. Oh well; if he met her again the following day she would mention it if only to stop him from making fun of her status. It didn't hurt, but it did get annoying at times.

Nagato snapped his book shut and put it somewhere. Maybe he dumped it in the machine below him. Who knew? "Out where?" he inquired curiously, fixing Konan with a stern look. Too bad the Rinnegan didn't have the power of hypnosis the Sharingan did.

And people thought that the Sharingan evolved into the Rinnegan. What the fuck? That makes no sense.

"Out with a friend," Konan nonchalantly replied. She moved to the nearby window overlooking her village.

"I... see," Nagato muttered. "I feel as if there are intruders in the village. It's... faint, but I can feel two signatures moving about. They're very muffled, but the rain never lies."

Konan had already deduced that Naruto was an intruder. Maybe he was just trying to butter her up, but he seemed very friendly. Like, friendly as in friendly-friendly and not spying-friendly. He wasn't even now-I'm-going-to-kill-you-friendly. Just, friendly-friendly.

The blue-haired kunoichi paused. That sounded very strange in her head.

So Naruto, even though he was probably one of the intruders, as not completely hostile. He seemed to genuinely like her even though she called him out on his manners. After that, he had been much more dignified, despite ranting on the idiocy of nobility.

"Why are they muffled?" Konan asked.

"Although one is more muted, I have a lock on the other."

"I see. Should I intercept him?"

"Go," Nagato commanded. Konan bowed her head and broke apart into millions of little paper butterflies. Once she was gone, Nagato muttered, "Damn, I wish I had something that looked as cool as that. It would suit the God of the Hidden Rain."

**VvVvV**

=Elsewhere=

"You're joking."

"Nope," Naruto replied, craning his neck slightly upward. He grinned at Jiraiya's shocked expression. "I'm completely serious. You were right, by the way. She did turn out to be a looker."

Jiraiya choked on his spit. Then he took a deep breath to calm his raging heart and stared at Naruto quite seriously. "Well? You're sure about this?"

"Oh yes," Naruto replied, nodding with equal amounts of seriousness.

Jiraiya got up from his bed in the random hotel the two were staying in and began pacing. Naruto's eyes watched him walk back and forth. Jiraiya stopped and folded his arms across his chest, glaring down at Naruto. "How did I miss this? I'm supposed to have a large spy network for the Leaf, and I missed this."

"You should be ashamed," Naruto deadpanned.

"Yeah, I should be. Me, the great Lord Jiraiya of the toads, missing the bust of a noticeable kunoichi! One I trained and predicted would become a very beautiful woman, too!"

"Well, she _is_ a missing ninja by virtue of being in Akatsuki."

Jiraiya hummed in thought. "I'll have to find her. You took my old student out on a _date_ in _enemy territory_ of all things." Jiraiya shook his head in mock-disgust. "What was she like? She used to be a kind, active girl."

"Probably emotionally unstable and closed off to the world," Naruto blandly stated.

"Probably?"

"Well, she opened up when I took her dancing."

"Dancing," Jiraiya said, dumbfounded. "She opened up when you took her out dancing? Here I thought you'd somehow screw her silly and _then_ open up the floodgates."

Naruto scratched his chin in thought. "That's not a kink I'm into."

Jiraiya face-faulted. He quickly got up and pointed a finger at Naruto. "That's not what I meant, brat!" Jiraiya babbled. "If she has emotional baggage, then she could break down! It happens to the best of us!"

"You're right," Naruto conceded, jumping to his feet. "Crying makes us all human. Blah blah blah. I get it now!" Then the blond shot Jiraiya an amused look. "Seriously though, I'm a jinchuriki. We come with emotional baggage and angst all sealed up into a nice little package. I think I have some experience in this."

"Fine, but don't treat her too badly. If she's part of Akatsuki and is only following Nagato because of it... Did anything happen to Yahiko in your world?"

"Died, I think. I'm not sure. I kind ended up obliterating Nagato before I could ask."

"That's helpful," Jiraiya sarcastically remarked. Then he furrowed his brow. "Wait, obliterated?"

"Tailed Beast Bomb."

"Ah, I see," Jiraiya murmured. "Still, we should probably allow ourselves to be found. Maybe we can convince them to join our side?"

"Are you fucking joking? Nagato ended up destroying the balance of the Elemental Nations. He was pretty damn close to destroying them all, too." Naruto was frowning and his body had straightened up, showing that he meant business.

"What about Konan?" Jiraiya asked, hope glimmering in an eye.

Naruto mulled it over in his head. Then he remembered that there were still other members of Akatsuki running about...

The blond blinked, remembering what had happened when he and Sasuke confronted Itachi. Naruto healed Itachi and cured that random illness on the man's body... and then Itachi wiped the floor with Sasuke.

Itachi is awesome. Since he wasn't bleeding out or drowning in blood, he wrecked Sasuke's shit. Because really, dying to an illness while in battle is just fucking pathetic. Itachi is too much of a _man_ for that to happen.

No, Itachi is not effeminate. That was Deidara's job before the insane bomber was vaporized.

Naruto had just casually wondered why the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan was such a big deal if the two brothers could simply swap eyes. If Shisui was ballsy enough to remove his own eye while _he was still conscious and alive_, then Sasuke and Itachi could undergo a procedure to do the same.

Tsunade had helped tremendously in that regard, allowing both Sasuke and Itachi to unlock the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan. It was just that fucking simple.

"Well, who's left of Akatsuki?" Naruto asked.

"Kakuzu and Hidan defected, as did Itachi. Sasori and Deidara ended up dying, so... Kisame, Konan, Nagato, maybe Yahiko if he's still alive, and that plant-guy you mentioned. Oh, the masked dude as well."

Naruto nodded. Six possible members. Zetsu wasn't a fighter, Konan could be swayed, and the masked man could be sealed away. That left Nagato and Kisame. Kisame's sword could be overloaded and destroyed, and Nagato would be blown up. It would be satisfying to kill him _again._

"All right, we'll unveil ourselves. But first, let's sleep," Naruto said.

"Wise choice," Jiraiya agreed. Both dudes flopped onto their own, separate beds and were instantly asleep and snoring. Loudly, too.

**VvVvV**

The following rainy day, Jiraiya and Naruto were leaning on the side of a building near a wide street. It was cloudy, cold, and wet, as it always was in the Hidden Rain. The name kind of said it all.

"So how long do you estimate they'll take to find us?" Jiraiya asked, his arms folded across his chest.

"About five minutes, give or take one. Konan was trying to find us last night but she blew it off to dance with me again."

"Wait, _what_? When was this?"

"Flying Thunder God, remember? I gave her a seal," Naruto nonchalantly explained. He left extremely dangerous seals everywhere. It wasn't as if anyone could decipher them. Everybody but him was supposed to be stupid.

Hence the harem... somewhat.

"You know, I really wish you would consult with me before you did anything like that," Jiraiya muttered.

"That would ruin the surprise," Naruto cheekily replied with a taunting grin on his face. "Anyway, Konan and..." Naruto paused, frowning.

"Konan and Nagato are heading out, right?"

"Yes and no. Nagato's chakra is... flowing directly to someone else, but that someone else is like an empty pot. There's no chakra unique to that person within that body. There wasn't anything like that before," Naruto said. Last time, Nagato himself just about wrecked the nations. What the fuck was happening now?

"You know how strange that sounds?" Jiraiya asked, tilting his head curiously. "Maybe he's replenishing someone else's chakra?"

"No chakra unique to that body is within it, remember?" Naruto sighed and shook his head, dismissing the thought. "Never mind that for now. How do you feel about facing one of your former students?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "Well, I would've been a bit worried, but since you seem to have a penchant for turning people over to your side..." The toad sage trailed off, giving Naruto a crooked smile.

Naruto rubbed his chin. "Most of it was bribes, though. Why do you think Kakuzu keeps heading into the Hidden Leaf, dumping a body, receiving payment, and then leaving?"

Jiraiya was about to respond, but two rapidly approaching chakra signatures caused him to tense and assume a more aggressive stance. "Heads up, brat. Looks like our welcome party is here."

With paper wings aflutter, Konan appeared in the air, followed by an orange-haired man with many, many piercings. He had the Rinnegan, too.

Naruto whistled at the man. "Damn, that's a lot of- What the fuck? Rinnegan?" This random orange-haired dude had the Rinnegan?

Jiraiya's jaw dropped. "Yahiko? Brat, I thought you said Nagato had the Rinnegan!"

"He did- err, does have the Rinnegan! This must be the result of Nagato's chakra entering this body!" Naruto said, furrowing his brow as he did so. Sure, he was near-impossible to defeat, but Kurama wasn't with him at the moment. The Tailed Beast was hanging out in the Hidden Sand with Pakura.

If Konan made any indication of actually knowing Naruto, no one caught it. Nagato would be pissed off if he knew.

"So, you two have come here to bask in the presence of God," the orange-haired man began. "You two will know the true meaning of Pain."

This statement had both Jiraiya and Naruto stop and stare at the man. "What the fuck did you just say?" Naruto asked, still in a partial state of bewilderment.

"I am Pain and you are in the presence of a god. Prepare to face judgment for your intrusion."

"HE HAS A GOD COMPLEX HERE, TOO?" Naruto screamed with horror laced in his tone. Only it seemed as if it was _worse_, if that was even possible.

"So Nagato must be using Yahiko's body," Jiraiya mused. The sage flipped through some seals and summoned the two elder frogs, both of which appeared on his shoulders. "Ma, Pa, we've got to enter sage mode! I hate doing this because it makes me look ugly and that's totally a valid excuse, but this guy might be a bit much!"

Fukasaku and Shima both fused with Jiraiya's shoulders once they got a look at Pain's eyes. "Oi, that boy's got them Rinnegan!" Fukasaku croaked. "This might be harder than it seems."

"We've got Naruto-boy with us," Shima said. "At least we've got numbers on our side."

"That will not matter," Pain said. "Feel the subjugation of God! Super-long-English-name Jutsu!" The orange-haired man thrust his arms out and a wall of apparent nothingness blasted both Jiraiya and Naruto deep into the wall behind them. They went through the wall and kept going. Such was the power of a god. Yep.

The gravitational force also reduced a series of buildings in front of the man to rubble. From that rubble, Jiraiya and Naruto both rose, groaning as they did so. Both of them had activated their bar-pupils, only Jiraiya's made him look ugly. What? It really should be a good excuse. Nobody likes warts, after all.

"What a pain... I hate fighting that thing. I don't even have Kurama to help me out!"

"Stop whining!" Jiraiya hissed, smacking the back of Naruto's head. Luckily, since they were both in sage mode, Jiraiya's smack didn't liquidize Naruto's brains.

"Fine. Might as well cause a bang, right?" Naruto grinned and clapped his hands together while Jiraiya flipped through some seals. The elder toad sage unleashed a wall of intense fire that was carried farther by the oil both Fukasaku and Shima spit out to augment it. Naruto topped it all off with an overcharged wind jutsu, turning the concoction into a sticky, raging mass of hellfire.

Pain/Nagato/Whatever the fuck he calls himself simply raised both arms and repelled the attack. "As you can see, your meager attacks will not harm me," Pain intoned.

Of course, repelling the attack meant that it was sent somewhere else... meaning most of the buildings around them were now on fire. But, being ninja in a huge, important battle meant that they were largely ignorant to such things.

"I'm surprised he didn't try to absorb it," Naruto murmured just low enough for Jiraiya to hear.

"He can do that?"

"He can absorb chakra-fueled jutsu, yes. He can also control gravity to a degree. Essentially, he can either repel or attract you and most of the legends surrounding the Rinnegan are true because he can do them."

"...Fuck," Jiraiya finally said. Then Konan flew above them and began sending out a stream of razor paper shuriken. Where she got that paper, nobody knew. Jiraiya quickly exhaled and sent out another fire jutsu to help combat the attack while Naruto stamped the ground, causing the ground to crack and collapse.

Pain jumped into the air to avoid falling into the wide crack Naruto had created. The man landed on a nearby building that had been sent askew by the damage to its foundation.

Naruto noticed another chakra signature that was similar to the body Nagato was using. Another orange-haired man appeared next to the original body and flipped through some seals before summoning a gigantic crab.

"Really?" Naruto exasperatedly said. "Again? Crabs _again_? What's next, the chameleon and giant centipedes?"

He probably should've kept his mouth shut since those summons followed the crab shortly afterward. Naruto's luck is awesome like that.

Jiraiya dispersed the paper shuriken jutsu with a powerful wind jutsu that had an area of effect wide enough to send Konan packing. She flew away to catch her breath as she watched Jiraiya join Naruto in fending off Nagato's summons.

Oddly enough, Nagato's Deva Path and Animal Path watched as their adversaries punched and kicked the animals away. Finally, Naruto just yelled, "To fucking hell with it!" and clapped his own hands together. "Yin-Yang Release: Repulse, motherfuckers!"

So what if Naruto stole jutsu? The Uchiha stole jutsu. Other villages stole jutsu. Why do people always whine about stealing jutsu? If the jutsu was any good, then it wouldn't be able to be stolen.

The resulting shock wave sent everything around Naruto and Jiraiya, both of which were back-to-back, flying away. The stone, dirt, and dust was kicked up as the force from the jutsu tore the ground apart. Many of the nearby buildings were shattered as pieces of their infrastructure were pulled away.

Each of the animals were also sent flying into buildings, causing additional damage to the surroundings before dispelling. Both of Pain's bodies were blown away, but Konan was unaffected somehow...

Naruto inhaled slowly and deeply, smirking at Jiraiya's reaction to the crater the jutsu had caused. "What the hell? You can do the gravity thing too?" the sage asked.

"It's a mimicry, but I can replicate it, yes," Naruto admitted. "I'm amazing, remember? Besides, it's not like many of his attacks are unique. Summoning isn't unique, affecting gravitational forces could probably be done by anyone, and most of his attacks aren't unique to the Rinnegan."

"And now you're telling me this because...?"

Naruto shrugged. "We already have an idea of what he's going to do. By the way, we should head out. Other people are coming and although I could blow this place up myself, I have no intention of facing down an entire army. It's fun for about five minutes, and then it becomes tedious."

"Only you would call slaughtering an army 'tedious'," Jiraiya quipped, rolling his eyes as he did so.

"It _is_ tedious! Fuck glory! I'd rather have a challenge than just watch thousands of people walk up to me and die!" Naruto yelled. He saluted Konan, who was watching the display with some amusement, before vanishing in a flash of light, taking his godfather with him.

Konan landed on the epicenter of the crater and looked around. Naruto hadn't been lying, apparently. Nagato was going to be pissed.

"Konan."

"Yes, Nagato?" Konan said, turning to face the Deva Path.

"Make plans for the Hidden Leaf. We may have failed retrieving the Two Tails, but we can obtain the Seven and Nine Tails," Pain said.

Konan shrugged. She'd end up seeing Naruto again, so she didn't mind.

* * *

**If there are any contradictions (which I'm sure there are) please notify me. Kurama isn't meant to be in this chapter, but I'm sure I left out some phrase of dialogue or some reference _somewhere_. The harem is pretty much done at this point and the girls are all finalized. We still have Shizuka and Ryuuzetsu before it's time to smash Tobi's face in.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: The Animal Path is a HE because Jiraiya is still alive and never killed the body in the first place. Naruto ain't screwing no corpses in this story.  
**

* * *

Chapter Seventeen: Barriers Need Warranty

"And I'm here why?" Pakura asked, staring at Naruto with a bored expression on her face.

"Because Nagato has resurrected bodies and you can incinerate the chakra rods he's using from the inside-out," Naruto explained. "Plus, I want to see his face when you do that. It's going to be awesome."

Tayuya whacked the back of Naruto's head. "You're an idiot, shithead. If he's fighting you with resurrected bodies, then can he really make facial expressions? You won't even be fucking fighting the real one!"

Naruto grumbled to himself and rubbed the back of his head while shooting a glare at Tayuya. He and a bunch of people were siting in a clearing near some random training field. They were trying to figure out ways to defeat Nagato and his assortment of dead bodies.

Normally, Naruto would just steamroll through them all, but damage to the Hidden Leaf had to be kept to a minimum. That was unfortunate, because now he had to sit down with his friends in order to figure out how to get rid of the deranged Akatsuki leader.

It wasn't really fun. Simply using a Tailed Beast Bomb would suffice, but he couldn't damage the village. Damn the Hokage. Damn Tsunade and Jiraiya for agreeing with him, too.

"I could always act as bait," Fuu suggested, drawing attention to herself.

Karin frowned at that. "That's not exactly smart. This guy's the leader of Akatsuki. There's got to be a reason for that."

"What else can this guy do, Naruto?" Kiba asked, speaking up for the first time since Naruto had called them all together.

The blond jinchuriki tapped his chin. "He can absorb chakra, control gravitational force, he has all five chakra natures-"

"Are you kidding me?" Chouji spluttered, nearly choking on the chips he had been devouring. "All five chakra natures? Did he train in them like Lord Hokage?"

Shikamaru grunted. "Doubtful. He supposedly has the Rinnegan, so they might just be ingrained in him. How troublesome," he muttered.

Ino gulped. "Maybe we're out of her league here, guys..."

"If Nagato attacks the Hidden Leaf directly, you will have no choice but to defend your home," Itachi stoically said. Everyone but Naruto jumped slightly at his voice: he was so silent it was as if he was never there at all.

Plus people were still getting used to his reappearance and the truth of the Uchiha Massacre. It wasn't as if everyone would immediately accept an S-rank criminal who offed their family. That would seriously be stupid.

Sakura, who was latched onto Sasuke's eyes, squirmed uncomfortably. "Is one man really enough to pose a threat to an entire village?" she asked.

Sasuke's eyes gleamed and he gave Sakura a charming smile. "Kage-level ninja and jinchuriki pose enough of a threat to an entire village, so it's not so farfetched to think that Nagato poses a high threat to us on his own. He has... what's that other member's name, bro?"

Itachi's eyebrow twitched. "His accomplice will most likely be Konan, who he has known for most of his life. She has mastery over paper and can create explosive tags without seals at will. She can fly, too."

"She won't be a problem," Guren said. "Blondie here told me that she's pretty much infatuated to him by now."

Yukimaru raised an eyebrow. "Really, Naruto? Another one?" This had the effect of Hinata glaring at him. Most of the other females seemed unrealistically indifferent to that bit of information.

"What do you mean "another one"?" Naruto exclaimed. "It's not my fault I'm amazing. Besides, she didn't even know how to have fun. It was only paperwork and Akatsuki bullshit."

"**I'm still surprised that Akatsuki has paperwork. Are you sure you didn't mishear what Konan said?**" Kurama asked.

_Hell no. Even high-profile criminal organizations have to deal with that shit._ Kurama snorted in response.

"But seriously, how should we deal with him? Mobbing his zombie bodies won't work because he has that gravitational 'get-the-fuck-away-from-me' move and because I don't want any of you to die via brain liquidation."

"He can do that too?" Shino asked. "Resurrected bodies, brain liquidation... if he can resurrect other people, then he's not a ninja; he's a necromancer."

Everyone blinked at Shino's statement. Naruto decided to indulge him. "Yes, he can resurrect dead people. Nice call, by the way," the blond jinchuriki said.

Shino nodded. There was a growl from the only attending Inuzuka kunoichi. "What else can he do? Lord Jiraiya mentioned something about summoning animals. Maybe we should deal with those while you deal with the more dangerous bodies?" Hana asked.

"Could you guys deal with them? I'm sure he's going to summon them to deal damage to the village while causing disruption and mayhem," Naruto said.

"That shit should be easy," Tayuya exclaimed, grinning toothily at Naruto.

"Be careful. His summons aren't like ordinary summons. He can see through them," the blond jinchuriki explained. "Don't let your guard down. I would deal with him myself, but that damned old man made me swear not to blow up the village." Naruto shook his head in frustration.

"Did he make me swear not to blow up the village?" Fuu asked in a small voice.

Naruto straightened immediately and vanished, only to reappear in front of Fuu. The rapid motion caused her to jump slightly in surprise. "The Hokage never mentioned anything about you blowing stuff up... You're amazing. You just made my day, Fuu-chan," Naruto said with a wide grin.

Fuu's face reddened and she nodded rapidly. "Y-Yeah. I can't go full Tailed Beast mode yet, but I can control up to Four Tails without a problem."

"Good enough," Naruto acknowledged. He rubbed his hands together maniacally. "Nagato and his lumps of flesh won't know what hit him... or them. That's kind of confusing, actually."

Tenten blinked. "Wait, we didn't even go over anything. All you did was inform us of some of his tactics and then tell us to deal with his summons while you and Fuu blow him up with large and unnecessary explosions."

"Seems about right," Hanabi chimed in. Everyone turned to stare at her. "What? Karin and Tayuya always tell me stories about what Naruto does whenever I go over to the Fourth's mansion. He likes to win by blowing stuff up and disintegrating whatever is inside."

Everyone, bar the girls who more or less knew Naruto's fighting style turned to stare at the blond. "Well, yeah. Of course I do that. It's the easiest way. Why drag out a battle with kunai and shuriken when you can just blow up the plot of land?"

Words spoken from a probably not-so-wise man.

**VvVvV**

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" Konan asked, glaring at the Leaf chunin who was currently encased in paper.

"I'll never tell you Akatsuki scum where he is! He is-"

Konan covered his mouth up with paper and sighed. "I get it. He's special, he's worth a damn to this village, blah blah blah. I've heard the acknowledgment bit before." The paper left the man's mouth and he took great, deep breaths to fill his lungs with air. "I want him for a different reason. So, if I wasn't with, say, Akatsuki, would you tell me where he was hiding?"

The chunin seemed to consider it for a second. "Hell no!" he defiantly said. The paper covered his mouth again.

Konan groaned. Finding someone in the Village Hidden by the Leaves was a pain in the ass. There were too many people, too many patrols, and too many damned ways to get lost. It was a good thing she could fly.

Flying was awesome. Laughing at everyone on the ground made it so much better. It was probably how the Third Tsuchikage felt most of the time.

After all, who wouldn't want to fly?

"Fine! Stay here wrapped in extremely uncomfortable paper. I'm just going to go out and enjoy my natural flexibility that isn't restricted by anything," Konan said, her voice carrying some irritation.

The chunin squirmed some more. The paper coffin he was encased in was indeed uncomfortable. Some of the paper was cutting into some rather precious parts of his body.

Konan slowly walked away from the man and began stretching. She was in her classy Akatsuki cloak, so you couldn't really see her natural curves.

After a moment the man began to thrash about. Konan turned to him with a malicious smirk on her face. "Well? Where is Uzumaki Naruo?" No response. The paper around the man's groin unwrapped before turning into sharp shuriken poised to strike.

"I'm going to ask again. If I don't get the answer I want, I'm sure your ancestors will be rolling in their graves." She let the threat hang in the air as the man's eyes widened comically.

He made some muffled sounds before Konan removed the paper over his mouth. "All right, all right!" the man screamed. "I'll tell you, just don't touch me like that!"

"Coming out of the closet, are you?" Konan quipped. Then she blinked at what she had just said. Maybe Naruto had rubbed off on her more than she thought... which was kind of weird, considering how they had spent only a few hours with each other.

It made no sense, but sense could wait in the ninja world. She was hunting a certain jinchuriki and she wasn't going to be quiet about it. You couldn't be quiet with a large set of angelic wings made out of paper anyway.

"He's in the village, probably on top of the Hokage monument!"

"And you're sure about this?"

"He goes there to meditate sometimes! It's well-known by most of the village!"

"Huh. Thanks," Konan replied. She made to turn around but then ran back to the chunin and kicked him in his family's jewels. "That's what you get for being a traitorous asshole. You're lucky I'm not completely with Akatsuki's agenda."

She stopped for a moment and wondered why chunin were so weak. Sure, she was an Akatsuki member, but so many chunin didn't even deserve to be chunin. Stop fixing your exams, villages. It makes you look bad in the end.

Konan shook her head and huffed before jumping into the air, manifesting her paper wings and flying towards the Hidden Leaf. Nagato would be attacking the village with his resurrected bodies of doom fairly soon.

Then she entered the magical bubble of sealing protection the Hidden Leaf used as an indicator for when someone is infiltrating the place. She was completely undetected because that damn thing never prevents anything to begin with.

She flew over to the Hokage monument, spying Naruto sitting on the Fourth Hokage's massive, stone head. He was exactly where the man said he would be.

Naruto's presence was most definitely not due to chance.

Konan touched down on the stone head, slightly behind Naruto, and folded her arms. "Well?" she prompted. "Are you going to sit on that faux-lotus position all day?"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I'm trying to focus my natural-"

"You and I both know that you're already a Sage. Get over yourself," Konan said.

Naruto winced and then stood up before facing Konan with a grin on his face. "Should I be surprised that you managed to infiltrate this village?"

"I don't think you should."

"And why is that?"

"They're going to need to be focused to deal with Nagato," Konan explained.

Naruto's eyebrow twitched. That didn't really answer his question very well at all. "So then why are you here, Konan? I'm sure Nagato's right-hand woman would be noticed if she were missing."

"Well... I'm actually supposed to be finding you and telling him where you are, but that's not _my_ goal."

"So you're abducting me for yourself and not for Nagato?" Naruto asked with no small amount of amusement.

The blue-haired Akatsuki member shrugged. "Pretty much."

Then she grabbed him, spread her paper wings, and went flying.

**VvVvV**

=Hidden Leaf D-Day=

Explosions and screams and death everywhere. Some shinobi were protecting civilians, while others were attempting to stop the ridiculous summons one of the Pain's bodies were sending out.

Most of them were probably dead bodies as well since they all head fancy-eyes and... chakra rods shoved through their skin. That looked very unpleasant, especially for the centipede summons.

The general consensus of the ninja fending off the summons was, to put it bluntly, _annoying_. It really is annoying having to avoid collateral damage when fighting gigantic, summoned animals of doom that are hell-bent on destroying everything around you.

That was Fuu's opinion, too. She was a jinchuriki and therefore, liked to have a lot of leeway to blast stuff apart. Sure she could spam Menacing Balls and obliterate everything in her path, but there were civilians running around.

Given her past, she wasn't about to leave some random child or person without a relative. That was just mean, not to mention hypocritical.

Naruto was the only exception to that rule.

One of the summons finally noticed Fuu throwing water jutsu after water jutsu at it and then turned to attack her. A sharp note hung in the air before the summon was forcibly dispelled.

Fuu turned to see Tayuya smirking at the spot where the summon was. "I love genjutsu. Force the thing to think it's not supposed to be here and bang! It's out," the redhead exclaimed.

And then a missile created an actual bang. Tayuya and Fuu were both blasted away and landed heavily on the ground. Tayuya groaned to herself as she raised her body. "Fuck. Who the hell sent out a massive ball of exploding tags?"

Fuu got to her feet and glared at the sight of two very special eyes... even though they were still eyes. "Tayuya, we got company!"

"What the fuck? Some more of those Rinney-gahn morons?"

The Asura Path said nothing, merely raising its arm, which broke apart into various pieces, and firing a missile. How it had a projectile-weapon such as that didn't need to be explained. Ninja's don't need to make sense.

Fuu manifested her chakra wings and beat them furiously, sending the missile of course and careening into a nearby building. "Oh, shoot. I hope no one was in there," Fuu muttered.

The Asura Path was propelled forward, the soles of its feet expelling chakra for a massive boost in speed. Its fist was raised, ready to knock Fuu out and take her back to the base for extraction...

Only Fuu was much stronger than he thought. Tough skin, strong body, and the ability to smash things up with a fist generally told opposition to stay away from the girl. It really shouldn't have come as a surprise when the Asura Path was overpowered and kicked away.

"Time for some illusions, mother-fucker!" Tayuya cried, bringing her flute up to her viciously smiling lips.

The Asura Path jumped away before she could do anything... and then the village asploded. Yes, asploded. That was what the villagers would call it since it was seemingly random in the way it was flattened.

**VvVvV**

"Dip, dive, duck, kick!" Karin screamed, watching as Guren avoided the attacks of the Human Path. Both kunoichi had seen the thing rip the soul out of a poor ninja and had no intention of having the same thing done to them.

It looked really creepy, too. Although, an S-rank missing-nin with what's assumed to be the most powerful eye technique in the Elemental Nations should be able to find out information without killing the person.

No need to leave dead bodies lying around everywhere. It would be a pain in the ass to clean up.

The crystal blade on Guren's arm was launched forward and impaled the Human Path... who simply got up, ripped the blade from its chest, and began attacking again. The bodies couldn't feel pain, so what were they supposed to do? Sit there? Hell no.

Then a gigantic crab rose out of the ground and punted Guren away. When she landed on the ground, she slowly rose up, groaning all the way. Sending a glare towards Karin, Guren got back into her stance, summoning an additional sheath of crystal to cover her arm.

"Err... sorry?" Karin offered, having not sensed the crab. It must have been a split-second summon or something... or the Rinnegan had more abilities that no one knew about.

That would've been obvious though. It was supposed to be the greatest of all the eye techniques. And yet, it couldn't summon some bullshit set of spiritual armor that defies all logic. Oh well.

"I'm just going to encase him in crystal," Guren muttered to herself. She said it quietly so that the resurrected bodies couldn't hear her, just in case they actually had the ability _to_ hear.

Flipping through some seals, Guren summoned a giant wave of crystal that was meant to crush the body. It loomed over the Human Path ominously, threatening to bury him beneath tons of solid minerals...

Only it was stopped and sent blasting back at Guren by some unseen force. Who the hell blasted it away should be obvious.

Guren didn't have much chakra left to send the attack back and her jaw dropped as the thing approached. Karin was in danger too due to her proximity to the ex-Sound kunoichi.

Two blurs raced past and caught the kunoichi, taking them safely out of harms way. Guren and Karin came up to see Hiruzen Sarutobi and Jiraiya carrying them out of range of the crushing attack.

Hiruzen set Karin down while Jiraiya ogled Guren's breasts. "Can you put a break on it?" Guren dryly asked. "We're kind of in the middle of a battle for your village."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"Where have you two been, anyway? I thought that you two would be defeating the threat," Karin asked.

"The safety of the people comes first. After all, a village without anyone in it isn't really a village, is it?" Hiruzen replied, grinning slightly. "But these bodies are still difficult. Luckily, Tsunade managed to get the civilians to safety, so the only ones out and about are the ninja. We're trying to stop the damage to the village, but..." Hiruzen trailed off.

"Pain in the ass, we get it," Guren said.

And then the village asploded, only this time it was from the perspective of Guren, Karin, Hiruzen, and Sarutobi.

**VvVvV**

=With Naruto=

"Nagato demolished it, eh?" The blond and his blue-haired companion watched as the massive dust cloud obscuring the Hidden Leaf dissipated, revealing a mess of dirt, rock, and other materials. It was all that remained of the Hidden Leaf.

Konan was busy straightening her hair. "Yes, he's achieved his vengeance. Which is quite silly, to be honest. Anyone with common sense would stop after the perpetrators were caught or killed."

Somewhere, a certain Uchiha sneezed as he pulled himself out of the rubble.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to fight him. I kind of have to, right?"

"Well," Konan said, "Don't kill him. He's still my best friend, even if he can be an ass sometimes."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll blow up his bodies and then talk to him using the power of spontaneous therapy."

"Please don't destroy the main body, by the way."

The blond stopped in mid-step and then wheeled around to face Konan. "What? Why? Can't I just incinerate them all? The Hidden Leaf is already pretty much a crater. I'm just going to blow him up with the help of-"

"The body is the body of our old friend, Yahiko, and it kind of means a lot to us," Konan explained, interrupting Naruto's tirade.

His jaw dropped. _What_? "Are you serious? Holy shit, I think that goes beyond an obsession," Naruto said incredulously. Then he shook his head. "Never mind, forget it. I'll keep the body alive for you. What about Nagato though? You told me his legs were fucked up?"

"Oh yes," Konan admitted, nodding her head. "I'm sure you can fix them, though."

"Fine, but if he does anything stupid I'm destroying him."

"I don't really doubt that," Konan dryly said, giving Naruto an amused look.

**VvVvV**

=The Crater That Was Once the Hidden Leaf=

Six resurrected bodies of doom faced Naruto before assembling into some formation the blond didn't care enough about to actually analyze. Next to Naruto was Fuu, who didn't have the restriction of not being able to blow stuff up.

Occasionally, Naruto would follow orders. He did so in this situation because Fuu still needed practice with blowing stuff up. All jinchuriki needed to have the ability to blow stuff up.

"Your deaths will bring peace, jinchuriki." the Deva Path said in a deep, monotonic voice.

"Oh yeah? Kiss my ass, you corpse-defiling asshole. The Tailed Beasts are more than simple weapons!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Fuu added, her voice laced with conviction. "Kurama-chan is a really good cook!"

"**See? At least someone likes my cooking,**" Kurama rumbled within Naruto's mind. The blond rolled his eyes, not particularly wanting to bring that issue back for discussion.

The Deva Path stared at them. The two jinchuriki couldn't really tell if he was confused or annoyed because his expression didn't change. Naruto would admit that he had a damn good poker-face, however.

"It doesn't matter. Regardless of how you treat your Tailed Beast, your deaths will bring peace to the Elemental Nations. I will bring peace through pain!" The Deva Path intoned.

Once more, the Animal Path summoned his animals. The giant dividing dog and a bird with a drill-like beak came out to play again.

"Oh boy, this will be annoying," Naruto murmured. "Collaboration jutsu please?" he asked Fuu.

Fuu nodded and flipped through some seals, spitting out a large amount of fire from her mouth. Naruto fed the flames by blasting the jutsu with wind, turning it into a massive firestorm that seemed to rend the air apart. The temperature in the area quickly became too much the bear and the two jinchuriki jumped away from the flames that continued to burn on top of the debris.

The flames were suddenly sucked into another Path. The Preta Path's barrier faded with the flames, revealing that while a large area had been scorched and torched to oblivion, Nagato's bodies were unharmed. The summons had been dispelled or perhaps incinerated, however.

And then the robotic one, the Asura Path, fired a series of missiles from its arms. Sometime after the village was flattened, it had reloaded its weapons.

"Earth Release, Naruto!" Fuu yelled out. Her blond companion nodded and both ran through the same seals while pumping a ridiculous amount of chakra into their jutsu.

A wide, solid wall of earth rose from the ground and shielded the two jinchuriki from harm. Naruto was just going through the motions, but again, Fuu needed more practice.

The missiles impacted the wall, but it held firm. Fuu put her hands together in a ram seal, sending the wall of earth flying forward.

It was split in half and the pieces sent flying to the sides by the Deva Path. "You know, I've been wondering... where the hell is the Hokage, the perverted sage, and the old hag?" Naruto asked, using his monikers for Jiraiya and Tsunade respectively.

"Tsunade used some jutsu to save many people from death and it caused her to fall into a coma," Fuu explained. "The Hokage and Jiraiya were swept away by the attack. I don't know if they're all right..."

Naruto frowned. He'd have to bring them back to life after the battle, as well as magically heal Tsunade.

"Fuu, blow them up please. No need for dramatic revelations that won't be revisited here."

Fuu gave Naruto an odd look before drawing on Choumei's chakra. She quickly entered her Version 2 state and her body was covered in a cloak of destructive chakra. She was in complete control, however, so no unnecessary berserker-mode destroyer attacks.

"Shinra Ten-"

"Nope!" Naruto yelled, craning his head up and disrupting the attack by using his own repulsion jutsu. Fuu finished drawing energy into her Menacing Ball, and then fired.

There was a large explosion and then all of the resurrected corpses were obliterated in an anti-climactic fashion. Except for Yahiko's body, of course. That was preserved somehow and any questioning of that preservation isn't necessary.

You can't say that you expected some awesome, intense battle. It's _Naruto_ and a girl who has near-complete control over her Tailed Beast forms.

Fuu reverted back to her normal state and swayed on her feet. She was steadied by Naruto, who grinned at her victory. "Nice going. You made the crater somewhat larger, but nice going."

The female jinchuriki returned his grin. "Thanks, Whiskers."

Naruto groaned. "Whatever. I have to go find this idiot's real body and then use my therapy jutsu to make him a good guy."

"I would say good luck, but you don't really need it."

Naruto nodded and then vanished in a burst of pure speed.

**VvVvV**

=Paper Tree=

Naruto looked up at the massive, paper tree. "Huh, this is kind of neat. Puts a whole new spin on the 'Going Green' thing. I wonder how much recycling she had to do..." The blond shook his head free of those random thoughts and entered the paper construct.

The emaciated body of the redheaded Nagato glared at the blond. Konan was right by his head, appearing unsure of what to do. At least Nagato hadn't hurt himself by wasting so much chakra.

There was a bang and the machine Nagato was sitting on sent a large chakra rod at Naruto. It shattered upon impact with the blond's body. "Really? You're really going to do the whole last-ditch thing? You can't even _move._"

"Are you going to kill me?" Nagato asked, ignoring the blond's comment. "If I die, you are only perpetuating the cycle of hatred."

"Yeah, let's get a dose of reality here. Who the fuck gives two shits about you besides Konan over here, who I'm fooling around with?" Naruto blinked. "I wasn't supposed to say that."

Nagato scowled at the blond. "You will still be perpetuating the cycle of hatred."

"You just flattened an entire village and killed a large amount of people!" Naruto exclaimed indignantly. "Seriously, you're being a hypocrite. Can't we all be friends?"

"What would this accomplish?"

"Oh... peace in the Elemental Nations, less death, strife, and all-around pain... I'll forgive you if you forgive the Hidden Leaf for accidentally killing your parents."

"Jiraiya-sensei told you, didn't he?"

"Oh yes," Naruto admitted, nodding to himself. "Now, can we please act civil instead of like stuck-up brats who only want stuff for themselves?"

"What about my plan to bring peace through pain? My super-weapon will destroy people and it will-"

"No. That's not how peace works, Nagato-chan," Naruto slowly said, as if he was talking to a toddler. "Whoever gave you that idea is a moron. What will happen is a lot of death and destruction and then our state of living will go down. Nations will enter a depression since so many are dead and people will be unhappy.

"No money will be generated and people will become wary of each other. No one's going to live in fear of a super-weapon; they're all going to try to either take it for themselves or destroy it. And when that happens, more and more destruction will be sown until we're all dead. Something along those lines," Naruto finished.

Nagato stared at him for a moment. "If I forgive you, will you resurrect everyone?" Naruto asked.

"What?"

"It's more of a demand, so resurrect everyone with your fancy super-eyes. I can do it too since I'm the actual second Sage of the Six Paths, so..." Naruto trailed off.

"What the hell are you saying?" Nagato asked, raising an eyebrow. It felt as if the blond was just blabbering incoherently.

Naruto sighed. "Long-story short... I'm from an alternate timeline and I can do whatever I want because I'm the second Sage of the Six Paths. I came here on accident by summoning the Death God, which jinchuriki are not supposed to do, and ended up messing with everything."

Nagato looked down to Konan, who nodded. "Fine, I'll forgive the Hidden Leaf... on one condition."

"Name it."

"Fix my legs. For the love of me, I want to walk again."

"That can be arranged..."

**VvVvV**

=Hidden Leaf=

"I still can't believe you managed to do that," Jiraiya said, smirking at his godson. "Resurrecting us all, keeping him alive, _and_ converting him to your side?"

"I'm just that amazing," Naruto said, folding his arms and grinning up at his godfather. "Want to know what else is awesome? Fuu-chan's Tailed Beast Bomb blew up Danzo and the two other advisers. Who knew they were hiding directly below everyone else?"

Jiraiya guffawed. "I owe you and the green-haired brat some beers, brat. Plus, I've got my two students being Leaf ninja, hilariously enough. It's a shame about Yahiko though."

"Yahiko was an _asshole_ in my timeline."

"Really?" Jiraiya asked, interested.

"Yeah. Konan died, Yahiko got a god complex, and Nagato ended up domineering everything. I'm sure I'm contradicting my behavior and answers from earlier on, but my excuse is that I was keeping some information hidden."

"Good excuse," Jiraiya deadpanned, sitting down on the stool of the reconstructed Ichiraku Ramen stand. "By the way, the Kage are calling for a summit. We're kind of out of one since the old man's decided to step down."

"Seriously?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jiraiya nodded and ordered some ramen for he and Naruto. "Most people are actually asking for you to become Hokage. Kind of ironic isn't it?"

Naruto's forehead met the wooden counter of the ramen stand. "Fuck! I didn't want this!"

Jiraiya shrugged. "Oh well. Tsunade and I sure as hell don't want it."

"Fuck you both!"

* * *

**Please tell me if there are any errors!  
**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Title shamelessly jacked from some title of a fanfic an author made... I forgot his name though, but his Naruto/Hinata story has like 11k reviews. Holy shit.**

* * *

Chapter Eighteen: Tales of a Jinchuriki

"You look good with that hat, brat," Jiraiya said, grinning at the image of a Naruto in a white trench coat and the Hokage's hat.

The blond scowled. "I hate this thing. Tacky as it is, it still fucking _itches_," Naruto grumbled. He reached up and tried to scratch his head, but the hat's material prevented any form of gratification.

"Shut the fuck up and let's get going," Tayuya said, her arms crossed under her impressive bust and her right foot impatiently tapping the dirt.

Naruto looked chagrined for a moment before grinning and turning to the rest of the villagers who were seeing him off. Many shinobi were there too, as well as some of the kunoichi he had managed to, ah, attract. Some of them seemed annoyed that he chose Tayuya to go along with him.

Well, there was a reason for that. Jiraiya was there because he had perverted advice and Tayuya had a special sort of genjutsu that could wreak havoc on the rogue Sharingan-user that was sure to appear.

"All right then! To the Land of Iron!" Naruto exclaimed, whirling on his feet and pointing towards the massive gates. There were loud cheers, shouts, and general appreciation for Naruto. He had, essentially, led to a lot of good things happening for the Hidden Leaf, after all.

The trio walked out of the village, intent on reaching the Gokage Summit. Unfortunately, the Land of Iron was located far away in some freezing, desolate location, so it wouldn't end up being a vacation.

Naruto was annoyed by that. Why couldn't he just invite the leaders of the great villages to the Hidden Leaf? All of them liked him, so it wasn't like he was doing anything _wrong._

"Damned protocol," Naruto muttered under his breath.

"What was that, brat?"

Naruto glanced at his godfather, who was humming as he was strolling along. He had a cheery face on and was obviously happy to be traveling again. Having Nagato and Konan ally themselves with the Hidden Leaf probably helped, too.

"I'm just saying that there wouldn't be a problem if the meeting was held in the Hidden Leaf. I wouldn't need to be Hokage. I still don't want to be Hokage. Seriously, how the hell do I revive the Hidden Whirlpool if I'm stuck in the Hidden Leaf?"

"Well brat, the Hidden Whirlpool was allied-"

"I know," Naruto interrupted in exasperation. "But I wanted to revive my old clan grounds..."

Jiraiya shrugged. "I don't get why you're whining. I doubt the random kunoichi you've attracted will all leave their villages just like that," the perverted sage said.

Naruto sighed. "Yeah, yeah... Taking care of all of those children will be annoying though. How the hell do I maintain a healthy relationship with so many kunoichi and children?"

"That," Tayuya began, entering the conversation, "Is why you need to tone down your charm. No one man can conceivably maintain a relationship with so many girls."

The blond blinked. "Did you just call me charming, Tayuya-chan?" he asked.

Tayuya's face darkened and she smacked the back of Naruto's head. "Shut up, shithead! I just said that it wasn't a good idea to get so many girls!" she exclaimed.

"Ooh, touched a nerve have we?" Jiraiya's grin faltered when Tayuya crackled her knuckles menacingly. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" The perverted sage waved his hands in front of his body in a placating manner.

"You know you love me, Tayuya," Naruto sang, smirking at the blushing redhead. She folded her arms across her bust, huffed, and then turned away from him.

"Yeah whatever, _Lord Hokage_," Tayuya mocked in a low tone.

After some traveling, the trio of ninja decided to setup camp. They built a fire, caught some random rabbits, and as they eat, Jiraiya decided to ask his godson about his past.

"Hey, brat?"

"Would it kill you to show a bit of respect? I mean, I _am_ the youngest Hokage the Hidden Leaf's had..."

"Hell no. I called your father a brat when he was Hokage and I'm going to call you a brat. Get over it, brat."

"Fuck you, perverted sage."

"Can you two stop your incessant bickering?" Tayuya asked, shooting the two males a glare.

Both of them rolled their eyes. Tayuya was always irritable when it came to bickering males. She was too headstrong. "Anyway, what did you want Pervy Sage?" Naruto asked, turning back to his godfather.

Jiraiya grimaced at the moniker. Even if it was a term of endearment, Jiraiya was still annoyed by it despite Naruto's repeated usage of the title. "Well brat, I'd just like to know more about your past."

"His past?" Tayuya asked, sounding interested. Naruto hadn't really talked about his past. "You mean shithead's past from his own timeline or whatever, right?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Jiraiya admitted.

"There's not much to tell," Naruto said, shrugging. "At least, not in my opinion. I kicked ass, I saved ass, I created serious-ass peace between all the villages. Sure, it was a pain in the ass, but I did it."

"You think everything's a pain in the ass, brat."

Naruto shrugged again. "You think bringing peace to a bunch of idiots who want to kill each other is easy?"

"We're getting off track here, shithead," Tayuya said. "Hey, perverted fuckhead, where should we start with his past?"

Jiraiya rubbed his chin. "Let's start with your background and continue onward from when you were born."

"All right," Naruto said, sighing to himself. "Given how much I know about you two... it's only fair. There might be some differences because what I told you before was pretty condensed."

He didn't really want to talk about his past. There were several reasons for that. The most prominent was mainly that it was boring to talk about and that it reminded him of how stupid the world he was currently in was. That served to annoy him greatly.

The blond made himself comfortable around the campfire that was crackling and cleared his throat. "Well, it begins like this. My Hidden Leaf had two jinchuriki: my mother was the first one and that it was me. Mito Uzumaki, despite being the first Hokage's wife, didn't get the Kyuubi sealed inside her."

"Why?" Jiraiya asked.

"Madara failed to hypnotize Kurama," Naruto replied. "He failed and instead decided to attack Hashirama without the fox. He got killed by the man before he could escape, however. The Kyuubi remained free, but because the other nations were capturing Tailed Beasts via seals stolen from the Hidden Whirlpool Village..." The blond trailed off.

Tayuya stared at Naruto blankly until Jiraiya decided to make an educated guess. "So, because the Hidden Whirlpool was still allied to the Hidden Leaf, not to mention alive, they decided to give them the Kyuubi in the form of your mother."

"Yeah, but it was a tightly kept secret. It was because of that secret that my mom was never really hated. She was nearly kidnapped by Cloud shinobi, but my dad wrecked their shit."

Tayuya snickered. Jiraiya's lips quirked. "That's one commonality with this timeline, although I suppose sensei told you about that."

Naruto shook his head. "He didn't. That's interesting; despite my timeline and this timeline being different, there are still similarities between obscurities. I guess some little things are meant to happen."

"No dabbling in philosophical bullshit here, shithead," Tayuya grunted out. "Keep talking."

Tossing an amused smirk at Tayuya, Naruto continued speaking. "When I was born, a masked man appeared and ripped the Kyuubi from my mom. Much like here, it caused a massive amount of destruction before my dad stopped it and sealed it within me. Both my parents died, but the perverted bastard opted to take over the seat of Hokage since the Third was rather sick of it."

"I still find that hard to believe," Jiraiya muttered, shaking his head.

"The crystal ball was probably the deciding factor," Naruto deadpanned.

Jiraiya giggled perversely.

"So who was the masked man that attacked?" Tayuya questioned, tilting her head to the side slightly.

"Some idiot named Tobi who got his ass sealed away by the Uzumaki Clan. He's in this timeline too, but the Uzumaki Clan aren't."

"So that's a problem," Jiraiya noted. "We'll deal with that later. Keep talking, brat."

The blond threw a glare at Jiraiya before continuing his tale. "Although I was orphaned, Tsunade and her family made many efforts to make sure I was happy. There were reasons for this, but they were necessary. Leaf's enemies were aware of the destruction and in order to dissuade them from attacking, I was given to Danzo for, ah, training."

Jiraiya frowned. "Is that why you have absolutely no problem with calling yourself a weapon? A lot of people would be wanting to see themselves as human."

"We're ninja. Our bodies are weapons and we can still be emotional idiots. I don't see a problem with that," Naruto dryly said.

"Didn't you say that Danzo asswipe was the leader of Root or something and had a fuckton of emotionless drones under his command?" Tayuya's brow was furrowed as she stared at Naruto.

"Yeah, but old hag Tsunade and the perverted bastard over there made sure I didn't turn into an emotionless drone. Isn't that obvious?"

Jiraiya snorted. "So you got training. Were you better than your classmates?"

"I was still placed in a class to make sure I wasn't socially defunct. Everyone knew about my family and my jinchuriki status, but the alternate you made sure that I wasn't hated. That helped a lot, by the way," Naruto said.

Guilt flashed over Jiraiya's face for a moment before it was replaced by unease. "Err... you're welcome?"

"Keep talking," Tayuya said, rolling her eyes at Jiraiya. The perverted sage must have shirked his duties or something in this timeline.

"Some of my classmates had differing personalities. Hinata was much more confident, Kiba had some humility, Sakura wasn't completely useless at first, and the Uchiha Clan wasn't completely wiped out. Fugaku betrayed the clan, but Itachi and Sasuke helped bring fame and fortune back to it.

"We all graduated and I received a team for a short while before I got a field promotion to chunin. Akatsuki began moving out and in order to combat them, I began to train in Kurama's chakra, as well as substantially increasing my other abilities."

"Akatsuki attacked earlier?" Jiraiya said sharply.

Naruto nodded. "Oh yes. They got the jinchuriki of the Ichibi first, but I didn't know him or her in my timeline. They sent Kisame after me shortly afterward and I was able to blast him away with smart usage of Wind Release techniques. It was also around this time that you decided to hand down the Hokage's hat."

"And here I thought I would be like the old man and stick with the crystal ball for a few more years."

Tayuya snorted. "Shithead told me about Sage Mode. He needed you in order to train and so some other dude took the hat."

"Dan," Jiraiya said, eyes widening slightly in realization.

"I told you that, didn't I? You decided to take me out of the village and keep moving so that Akatsuki wouldn't know where I was, as well as teaching me how to utilize my bar-pupils. In addition, I started messing with the Sealing Arts when we went to the Hidden Whirlpool."

"You also told me that the son of Tsunade and Dan, as well as Nawaki, helped control you when the Kyuubi's chakra went out of control," Jiraiya remarked. It took some willpower not to wince when he realized that Tsunade's heart had been successfully captured by someone else.

Ouch.

"Yes," Naruto said, nodding. "I managed to destroy some of the other Akatsuki members, but it eventually got to the point where Nagato had control over seven of the Tailed Beasts. So, I went to the Hidden Mist Village and trained under Yagura. It was where I synched up with Kurama and eventually fought Nagato."

"Wait, where does that Pakura bitch fit into all of this?" Tayuya asked.

Naruto shuffled in his seat. "While I was traveling, Dan gave me some missions to complete for pocket change. I met Pakura on one of these missions. Hiruko was part of Akatsuki, but his ambitions led to Pakura's death... and then I killed him." The blond shrugged.

"So you defeated Nagato and his Paths of Pain before?"

Naruto blinked in confusion before slowly shaking his head. "No. This Nagato used only his own body and had a lot of power. He had enough chakra to control seven of the Tailed Beasts. Kurama and I, as well as Yagura, came out successful in the end. We freed the Beasts and changed the order of things."

Jiraiya rubbed his head. "I don't think I'll ever comprehend you bringing peace to anything."

"Hey! I've totally done it before!"

Tayuya chuckled. "Considering you blow stuff up more often than not, I think the perverted shit over there has a legitimate reason to doubt you."

Naruto playfully scowled at Tayuya before yawning. "Let's sleep. I gave you an extremely edited version of my life and now I expect you to let me sleep."

"Wait, what about how you got here?" Jiraiya said, throwing Naruto one more question.

"I'll tell you later," Naruto sleepily said. He nonchalantly entered the tent Tayuya had just put up, eliciting a shriek from the redhead.

The loud sound of a slap echoed in the clearing.

**VvVvV**

=Land of Iron Fancy Meeting Room=

Naruto entered the room and sat in the seat designated for the Hokage as Jiraiya and Tayuya took their positions behind the curtain that hid them. It was for all of the bodyguards the Kage had brought.

Naruto felt familiar chakra behind those curtains. Haku, Samui, Karui, Kurotsuchi, Temari, and Kankuro. He saw Mei give him a cheerful smile and Gaara give him a respectful nod.

Well, at least he and Gaara were equals now; at least in terms of rank anyway. In terms of fighting... well, Naruto could obliterate them all. Not that he wanted to, of course.

Mifune, the leader of the samurai, entered the room and took a seat in the middle. "A Gokage Summit hasn't been called for since the founding of the villages. Welcome to the Land of Iron. This dimly lit summit is now in session."

"I've called for a summit because Akatsuki has gotten six jinchuriki, including my brother!" the Raikage exclaimed, tears flowing from his emotional eyes.

"Bullshit," Naruto interrupted. "Bee's too strong for any one member of Akatsuki to get rid of him. Kisame has a chance, but a Tailed Beast Bomb would handily obliterate him."

The other Kage and Mifune stared at him. "What? It's true, you know. Tailed Beast chakra incinerates stuff."

"You would know," Onoki said, giving Naruto an amused look.

"Can we get back to the issue here?" Gaara said, his monotone voice snapping the Kage back to attention.

The Raikage nodded and then slammed his fist down onto the desk in anger, prompting the guards of the Kage to appear in their defense... except for Naruto's. Jiraiya was jotting something down on a notepad and Tayuya was leaning back next to the perverted man.

The kunoichi that Naruto had lain with each winked at him... which was the majority of the kunoichi present. He hadn't really done anything with Mei or Haku yet, but they were still interested in him. Who wouldn't be, given his heritage, his status, and his rank, not to mention his personality?

"Lord Raikage, please!" Mifune chastised. "Refrain from causing too much damage to our infrastructure."

"Akatsuki has been attacking for months now! Aside from the Leaf's intervention, several jinchuriki have simply been plucked from their villages! Why have none of you done anything?" the Raikage cried out in outrage.

Onoki rolled his shoulders at the outburst. Gaara stared. Mei's lips quirked downward. Naruto was twiddling his fingers.

The Raikage pointed a finger at Onoki. "Maybe you've hired Akatsuki members to assert your dominance in ways that were diminished by age?" Then, he pointed at Mei. "Or maybe you have been backing Akatsuki all along, considering it was rumored to have begun in the Hidden Mist!"

The Tsuchikage and the Mizukage exchanged glances before bursting into laughter. The Raikage's eyebrow twitched at the dismissal of his claims.

The strange behavior from the two Kage elicited a tilting of the head from Gaara and a snort from Naruto. Mifune was fairly confused, too.

"I would have hired Akatsuki, but the blond idiot over there kind of stopped everything. Kurotsuchi's infatuation-"

There was a choked gasp from where the bodyguards were hiding.

"-with the blond and his power cemented my authority," Onoki finished, a grin spreading across his face. "Lord Hokage, I never managed to give my thanks for that."

"No problem," Naruto replied.

The Raikage grumbled to himself but then turned to the Mizukage expectantly.

Mei Terumi shrugged in response. "I killed Yagura, the Sanbi respawned in some random lake, and then Utakata ditched us. Yagura might have been controlled by a genjutsu as well."

Mifune frowned. "Who is strong enough to place a controlling genjutsu on a Kage? If Akatsuki indeed has such power at their disposal..." The man trailed off, giving each Kage a meaningful look.

All of the lights suddenly flickered on. The distorted sound of rushing wind echoed in the meeting room and, on a nearby balcony, sat the masked man. His one visible Sharingan eye looking down upon each of the Kage as if they were insects to be crushed underneath his feet.

"Well, I had that power... once upon a time, I did."

The Kage's guards all appeared next to their leaders, glaring warily at the sudden appearance of the masked man. This time, Tayuya and Jiraiya joined the fray.

"Who are you?" Mifune asked, appearing nonplussed.

The masked man chuckled, the odd noise echoing through his mask. His single Sharingan eye glinted in amusement. "I... am Madara Uchiha, and I am here to declare war upon the Elemental Nations."

There was a growl from Tayuya. "Bullshit! One man can't stand up to so many people! You'll run out of chakra and die from exhaustion before we do!"

"That, and he's not Madara," Naruto said, giving the masked man a skeptical look. "Seriously, if you were Madara, you wouldn't wear such an ugly mask. No Uchiha wears an _orange _mask. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Everyone sweat-dropped at Naruto's choice of words. Even the so-called Madara Uchiha was not free from the reaction.

"Besides," Naruto continued, not caring about the apparent confusion, "The Kyuubi can sense your chakra, idiot. You and Madara don't have matching signatures. Explain that, why don't you?"

Naruto was genuinely interested in learning the identity of the masked man. He had been disabled and defeated quite easily in the blond's own timeline, but in this one... not so much.

The masked man would've looked like a deer caught in headlights if ninja knew what those were, but his mask prevented anyone from seeing his expression. His body behavior made him out to be stunned, though.

"Err... I've done experiments that have made Tobi a good boy?" Tobi offered in a childish voice.

"You don't act like the Madara I've encountered, too," Onoki added, furrowing his brow at the enigmatic Akatsuki leader.

"Look, the point of this discussion is that an immortal being has declared war on you all because I have a plan that requires all nine Tailed Beasts," Tobi said, his voice tinged with irritation. "And no, me being immortal is not up for debate. I'm going to send Akatsuki's armies against you morons either way unless you hand over the Nibi, Nanabi, Hachibi, and Kyuubi."

That statement caused the Raikage's jaw to drop.

"We're not that afraid of you," Naruto said, frowning at the masked man. "Besides, why would you need nine Tailed Beasts anyway?"

Tobi pointed at Naruto. "I'm going to love tearing the Kyuubi from your gut, specifically. Once I have all nine Tailed Beasts, I will reform the Ten Tailed Eldritch Abomination, become its jinchuriki, and then control the world via an infinite Tsukuyomi cast on the moon." Then Tobi vanished, not allowing anyone to question his heinous and rather silly plan.

Naruto slammed his forehead into his desk. "Fuck! I should've killed him right there!" he yelled.

"Well, it looks like my brother isn't dead after all," the Raikage muttered, his body becoming more and more relaxed.

"I told you so," Naruto cheekily said, ignoring the red mark on his forehead.

"So," Mei began in her cheery voice, "How are we to deal with this imminent, extremely unstable and pretty stupid threat?"

"An alliance, perhaps?" Onoki suggested, surprising them all. He was supposed to be a crotchety old man set in his ways, after all. Maybe Naruto had influenced his daughter and Suzumebachi more than the blond knew.

"I'm more confused about how he intends to control the reformed Ten Tails," Gaara said in a monotone voice. "Moreover, how does he intend to control us all when the moon rises and falls? It won't always be present in the night sky. What if we're not even looking at the moon?"

"Not to mention the fact that he might not be able to control the Juubi," Mei added. "But Lord Tsuchikage has a point. If Akatsuki is willing to send its armies against the ninja villages, then it is prudent that we form a coalition to defeat him. He does control more Tailed Beasts than us, after all."

"We will hide the jinchuriki-"

"Are you kidding me, Gaara?" Naruto interrupted, scowling at the former jinchuriki. "We have the power to end this war on our own. Hell, _I_ have the power to end this war on my own. No point in wasting life, right?"

"The point of this war is to capture the remaining four jinchuriki, Lord Hokage," the Raikage unnecessarily explained. "We'll hide you until we need you. Honestly, I doubt Akatsuki even has large armies. With the combined forces of the ninja villages, he'll fall."

Naruto sighed in resignation, still not liking having to hide from Akatsuki. "Fine. Where will we be hiding?"

"The information will be kept from Bee because he's too damn stupid to listen. I'm sure the Nanabi jinchuriki and the Yugito will be open to reason, however. Our headquarters will be located in my village and you will all be hiding on the Island Turtle."

Onoki raised an eyebrow at the Raikage's statement. "That giant turtle that you've been caring for since the Hidden Cloud's conception?" A nod. "Well, that should be fine then. We'll have to hide this however."

"All jinchuriki like turtles, after all," Naruto muttered.

"It is decided then," Mifune intoned. "This alliance between the nations is official. More details will be hammered out in the Hidden Cloud. I wish us all good luck on destroying Akatsuki."

All of the Kage, as well as their guards were grinning at this. The transition towards an alliance wasn't much of an annoyance because of Naruto's... _intervention._

As if to prove that, the Mizukage strode across the room, grabbed Naruto's face, and kissed him, much to everyone's surprise. The other kunoichi didn't really care either way because they were used to Naruto's polyamorous ways.

The males in the room, bar Jiraiya, who was scribbling furiously in a notepad, were all jealous. They all wished they had the magical ability to charismatically charm anyone they came across.

When Naruto and Mei broke for breath, Naruto smirked. "Active, are we? I'm sure we'll have to continue this later."

Mei, oddly enough, blushed in response. What a reaction from an adult woman in her early thirties, or perhaps or late thirties. Naruto didn't really make a comment in that. Never make a comment on a girl's weight or age. That's never smart.

**VvVvV**

=The Hidden Leaf=

"That's... very unbelievable, Naruto-kun," Hiruzen said, surprise evident in his expression. "I never expected Onoki to readily accept an alliance between the Hidden Villages."

"His granddaughter likes me," Naruto explained. "Plus, because I'm so awesome, all of the animosity between the villages was dropped immediately."

Tsunade snorted. "That sounds like you, brat. Enjoying the paper work, by the way?"

"Oh yeah, totally. It helps when you're used to speed extremely beyond that which most shinobi train at." As if on cue, Naruto's body turned a shining gold. "I love chakra mode. Super-speed is so amazing."

Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Hiruzen rolled their eyes. "So we're sending you, Fuu, Yugito Nii, and Bee out to the Island Turtle in the Hidden Cloud?" Tsunade asked. "I don't suppose this is some gambit by the Hidden Cloud to have all of the remaining jinchuriki under their control?"

"Definitely not," Jiraiya said. "Fuu by herself is powerful enough to blast people apart and Naruto can take on everyone without breaking a sweat."

"True," Hiruzen admitted, stroking his beard. Then he sighed to himself. "I never thought I would participate in a Fourth Great Ninja War or whatever the hell people call it nowadays. Can't I just admit retirement?"

"Just go protect the daimyo," Naruto said. "Frail, old, fat, and completely freaking ordinary in every way aside from inbred deficiencies. Easy as hell."

"That might be so, but a Hokage's job, even in retirement, is to protect members of his village. I think I'll dust off the old armor and join the front lines once more."

"Whatever, sensei," Tsunade said, rolling her eyes. The door to the Hokage's office suddenly banged open, revealing a panting Hanabi.

"We've got confirmation, Lord Hokage!" she said. "The Fire Daimyo has agreed to the alliance! So have the other daimyo!"

"Excellent." Naruto grinned and rubbed his hands together. "Thanks, brat."

"I'm not a brat!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Naruto waved her off. He called in a few ANBU and told them to spread the news about the Fourth Great Ninja War.

It was time for the villages to mobilize once more. Naruto had to head to the Island Turtle, however, and so he appointed Hiruzen as the filler-Kage.

"Wait a moment," Jiraiya said, causing Naruto to screech to a halt just as he was about to leave the office via the window. "You need to head to the Demon Lantern Castle, where all super-criminals go."

"Why?" Naruto said, blinking owlishly.

"Assassination and infiltration, essentially."

"Fine. Do I get any more information?"

"Nope," Jiraiya cheerfully replied. "It's a surprise. I'm sure you'll have more to say about it once you figure stuff out."

A wooden cage sprouted around Naruto, locking him in as Tenzo/Yamato/whatever walked in. "You know, this doesn't work," Naruto deadpanned.

"Go along with it, brat," Tsunade said, smirking at the caged blond. "Never thought I'd say you caged up like that. It feels... oddly satisfying."

"Fuck you," Naruto muttered. "FUCK YOU ALL-"

Naruto was toted out by several chunin. No one wanted to remark on how their Hokage was being sent to a high-profile prison, mainly because it was Naruto and there was always a plethora of silly reasons surrounding his actions.

"**What did you do this time, Naruto? Peep again or something?**" Kurama joked.

_Why me? Why not Sasuke or something? _He_ peeps all the time. I don't need to peep. I can just ask._

"**You're more charismatic. Plus, maybe you'll meet someone interesting their. Either way, let's just complete the mission.**"

_How? I don't even have any information! I was barely briefed on what's going on!_

"**Go along with it,**" Kurama said.

"Nooooo!"

Everyone heard Naruto's wailing cries as he was handed off to an escort guard and sent out of the Hidden Leaf and towards the Demon Castle Lantern.

* * *

**If there are any issues, let me know. If there are any contradictions, let me know. Any errors? Let me know. You get the point. Read/Review, please!**

**Here's the Summit and some of Naruto's past... without Sasuke. Because Sasuke attacking a damned summit with five Kage-level shinobi is dumb, not to mention arrogant.**

**Blood Prison and Ryuuzetsu next, by the way. Shizuka might tag along with the chapter since Jiraiya is alive and can laugh at Naruto once they reach that island.**

**Harem is pretty much done. After Blood Prison/Shizuka, it's time for war... and the Island Turtle.**

**Oh, and since Nagato is alive... how will Tobi get the Rinnegan? I have an answer for that since Tobi might be an Uchiha... or he might not be. Bah, what a strange person. **

**I've finally decided to cave. Should Naruto meet Kushina? Sure it's inconsistent with what I've been saying and sure it makes no sense, but whatever.**

**So, Kushina: Should Naruto meet her? Yes or no?**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Ryuuzetsu was a cool character.  
**

* * *

Chapter Nineteen: Cardboard Boxes

Bullshit. The entire prison was bullshit. It was also highly illogical.

That was Naruto's opinion of Demon Lantern Castle. The scenery was pretty pleasing, with a chill in the air, clouds partially obscuring the sun and moon, and the raging ocean surrounding the prison complex.

Basically, if you didn't have access to your chakra, you couldn't escape. High cliffs led to jagged rocks dotting the waters and the wind didn't help much either. In order to scale the rocky walls, you had to use your chakra slowly and surely.

That wasn't even including the churning liquid surrounding the island, but if a prisoner reached that point it was considered a miracle.

The guards could be disregarded. A great majority of them were civilians given batons to thwack disabled prisoners around.

This presented a problem: _ninja_ prisoners could kill the guards with their bare hands, which posed a problem. How did the warden solve that particular problem?

"Super-crappy sealing", in Naruto's humble opinion. It was actually a very useful imprisoning seal, absorbing chakra and then burning the inflicted individual by using the absorbed chakra.

That posed a problem, though. Someone who was very proficient in Fire Release wouldn't be harmed and could actually shatter the seal. Certain bloodline limits prevented the fire from actually harming them, too.

As for Naruto... he could either undo the seal himself with his own blood, or overload the seal with chakra. That was what he was waiting to do after being branded. That, and waiting in some room for one of the guards to search him for any hidden weapons.

Boring.

Well, it would be if some white-haired girl with bangs covering an eye wasn't observing him from the corner of her visible eye. She had a striped, green bandana on her head and wore a sleeveless kimono over a green top. Her eyes were gray and had concentric rings in them, looking eerily reminiscent to the Rinnegan.

She was attractive enough. The question was: Did her personality call to him, or did it not? That was probably the ultimate decider... along with aesthetics. But hey, beauty is supposedly subjective.

After a few minutes of waiting, Naruto groaned and looked up at the ceiling. "How long is this idiocy going to take! Can they hurry up so I can go rip this seal off of my body and sleep? Stupid-ass guards... stupid-ass warden..." The blond kept grumbling under his breath.

A couple of the other prisoners glanced at him before snorting. "Right, a kid like you could totally remove your seal without any supplies and without any chakra," a heavyset man sarcastically said.

Naruto's eyebrow twitched. "I can do anything I want, jackass. I'm the most interesting man in the Elemental Nations."

"You want some beer for that kid?"

Before the blond jinchuriki could reply, one of the guards called Naruto into the searching room where the fat head guard dude was waiting. Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and gave the guards in the room a flat stare. "So... how are we going to do this?" he asked.

"We need to make sure you're not hiding any weapons, so strip," the fat head guard dude explained.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Normally I would make a crack about homosexuality in this situation, but I'm sure society is moving towards equality in that regard and that statement would make me a hypocrite considering I'm a jinchuriki that promotes equality for all."

Silence. The three guards in the room blinked rapidly in an attempt to figure out what Naruto had just said.

Naruto shrugged. Given how dumb they were, they had probably forgotten what he was in the room for, so the blond left without being searched. They didn't call him back either.

Besides, if they _really_ gave a damn, they would've searched him _before_ entering the prison complex. Sure, the warden branded him with an imprisoning seal, but the fact that he could have possibly smuggled weapons into the prison sort of downplayed the security.

It wasn't that smart, in short. What if he had smuggled explosive tags? They didn't require much chakra at all to activate and some variations didn't need chakra at all.

Naruto exited the room and waited for one of the guards to escort him to his room. While waiting, the white-haired kunoichi walked up to him.

"You know, you shouldn't underestimate the guards here. They won't take any chances with the prisoners," she cautioned.

He almost burst out laughing. _Almost_. However, Kurama did so within his mind.

"I'm not afraid of the guards," Naruto replied, grinning at the kunoichi. "Didn't you hear me earlier? I'm the most interesting man in the Elemental Nations. I'm sure the most interesting man in the Elemental Nations has more than a few tricks up his sleeve to avoid and distract the guards here. I could probably ditch everyone if I really wanted to, too."

The white-haired kunoichi stared at him for a moment before deciding to humor the blond. "If you were the most interesting man in the Elemental Nations, then I would've known your name."

Naruto shrugged. "That doesn't mean I'm not the most interesting man in the Elemental Nations. Besides," he said, his grin turning into a smirk, "I'm not the most famous. I'm the most interesting." Naruto stuck his hand out. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki of the Hidden Leaf Village."

He left out the fact that he was Hokage because no one really would end up caring since he was in prison. A Hokage would look bad if it was known that he or she were in prison, too.

The kunoichi eyed the proffered hand before shaking it with her own. "Ryuuzetsu, ANBU of the Hidden Grass. Regardless of how proficient you are at evading the guards and escaping them, you should be wary. Mui is not above killing prisoners."

Yeah, right. Naruto wouldn't be killed. Hurt and threatened maybe, but not killed. Mui and his cronies needed a battery to open up the Box of Ultimate Sexiness or whatever it was called.

"If you're in this prison, then you probably did something pretty bad to get yourself locked in," Naruto said. "What did you do?"

Ryuuzetsu's flicked over to the nearby guard. "I will tell you later." She discreetly gave him a set of directions to a certain cave away from the prison complex that Naruto did not find suspicious at all.

"**So she's banking on the fact that you aren't all talk. Let's meet her tonight,**" Kurama rumbled. Naruto accepted the directions and was then forced to bid the kunoichi farewell.

Two guards had grabbed him and were dragging him along to his cell.

**VvVvV**

=Naruto's Cozy Cell=

Naruto stretched his body out and groaned as his bones popped back into place. Truly, there was nothing like a short rest on hard granite. It really helped revitalize his body.

He looked down at his body and smirked at the lack of a seal covering it. The guards were really too stupid for their own good. Shatter the seal and use a Transformation jutsu to prevent them from finding out the seal was gone.

Really, only ninja could actively detect a transformation. Too bad no ninja was strong enough to detect or dispel Naruto's transformation.

A clone appeared on the thin blanket used as a bed and took its place in order to avoid letting any guards know that Naruto was sneaking out.

The blond inspected the lock that prevented the cell door from opening. Rather than break the lock, which would draw unnecessary attention, he simply manipulated reality's influence and walked through the bars.

He loved Yin-Yang Release. It was such a shame that its more destructive tendencies were overshadowed by his plethora of other jutsu.

Once outside of his cell, Naruto quickly glanced around, making sure no guards were nearby... and then vanished in a suppressed Body Flicker. No one would be able to detect the usage of chakra.

After appearing on a ledge near the ceiling where an open window was, Naruto jumped out and blurred into motion. The spotlights scanning the outside of the prison were easily avoided by his blistering speed.

It only took him a few moments to reach the cliff. It was where the first part of Ryuuzetsu's instructions began. "Holy shit, this thing is steep. It reminds me of when Fuu and I did that one thing."

"**When she used her wings to send you two up into the sky-**"

"Yes," Naruto quickly said, interrupting Kurama as he jumped straight down into the churning waves. The wind blew in his face and ruffled his clothing as he directed his body towards a nearby spire of rock.

Chakra anchored him to the rock and he shot off of it towards an opening in the nearby rock face. There was a flickering light within it, signifying that there was a fire within.

Naruto burst from the opening, landing on his hands and then springing up to his feet. He grinned at the sitting Ryuuzetsu and shook his head rapidly.

"Must you be so immature?" Ryuuzetsu asked, shuffling away from the water droplets that were being flung from Naruto's golden hair.

The blond winked at Ryuuzetsu before plopping down on the rock. "Hey, it was wet. It's not my fault you chose this place," Naruto defended.

The kunoichi merely stared at him before returning her gaze to the fire she had built. "You do know why you're here at Demon Lantern Castle, right? I was notified that you would be briefed on this."

"Something about a weapon or whatever that I need to either secure or destroy."

"You are... partially correct," Ryuuzetsu said. "Mui, the leader of the prison, needs a lot of power in order to open something known as the the Box of Ultimate Bliss."

Naruto nodded. "Right, that thing. Boxes are fun to hide in because no one will ever notice you, but what's in the box? One more super weapon capable of mass destruction?"

Ryuuzetsu sighed. "Mui, the leader of this prison, once sacrificed his son in an attempt to open the box."

"And given your posture, not to mention the nuances in your voice, Mui's son meant a lot to you, right?" Naruto nonchalantly asked.

The white-haired kunoichi snapped her gaze to him and scrutinized his face before nodding. "Muku and I were good friends before he was sacrificed to the box." She clenched her hands. "In order to prevent any more lives from being taken and to prevent more evil from spreading, we will need to destroy the box."

"Not secure it? I'm pretty sure I'm powerful enough to secure that box."

"No, we need to destroy it," Ryuuzetsu insisted.

Naruto stared at her before rolling his eyes and sighing. "Fine, I get it. Awesome weapon needs to be destroyed. No fun for old Naruto-kun here..." the blond grumbled.

His nearby companion pointedly ignored that. "We need to remove the seals on our bodies first or else we won't stand much of a chance. Even then, despite his strength, Mui doesn't deal with the prisoners."

A snort was her response. "I've already removed the seal. I just need to find that box."

Ryuuzetsu raised an eyebrow, surprised at the information. "How did you remove the seal? Without the ability to use chakra, it's an impossibility to do so," the kunoichi said.

The blond let out a bark of laughter in response. "I'm amazing. That's how I was able to remove the seal. I just used my own blood and shattered the seal with my immense reserves of chakra."

"That's probably why Mui won't kill you if you get in his way," Ryuuzetsu muttered. "You're a jinchuriki, right?"

Naruto blinked, not sure where she was going with this. Seeing his confusion, Ryuuzetsu elaborated, "Mui sacrificed his son and the chakra he held in order to open the box. Since you're a jinchuriki, he can just sap your chakra and use it to open the box."

"Everybody sees Tailed Beasts as chakra batteries," Naruto said, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter. I'll destroy the box and get us out of here."

"Us?" Ryuuzetsu asked, wondering why he was including her.

"I'm sure you don't want to stay in this dreary hellhole, right? Besides, you can kill Mui and get your revenge and then we can leave."

"I don't want to kill him. Destroying the box is revenge enough," Ryuuzetsu replied.

Naruto shrugged. "All right. So how do we draw Mui out?"

"We can cause a riot that will overpower the guards and force him to reveal himself and assert his authority," she said. "Once he's out, we'll grab and interrogate him on the whereabouts of the box."

"And we're just going to ignore the guards and prisoners around us?"

"The guards are civilians and the prisoners have their chakra sealed."

"Sounds good to me," the blond said. "So should I get rid of that seal on your body now?"

Ryuuzetsu looked away for a moment. Naruto thought he saw a faint tinge of pink on her cheeks, but it was probably a trick of the flickering light.

"What's the problem?" Naruto asked, smirking slightly at the now-shy kunoichi.

"N-Nothing..." she murmured. "The seals just on my upper body, meaning that..."

The blond rolled his eyes. Why were people of this world so insecure about their bodies? No one was like that at all back in his world. They were all kick-ass. "You're a kunoichi. I'm sure your upper body looks amazing. It's nothing I haven't seen anyway."

She took a deep breath and turned away from the blond before revealing her bare torso to him. He couldn't really see anything since she was just showing him her back, though. "This might sting," he softly said before laying a finger on the Grass ninja's right shoulder.

The kunoichi gasped in pain as Kurama's chakra flowed into her. The seal began glowing bright red as it was eaten away. It only took a minute, but the seal faded from Ryuuzetsu's tanned skin. The kunoichi slumped forward slightly, her chest heaving.

"Are you all right?"

She nodded. It wasn't that bad... she was supposed to be an ANBU, after all. She could deal with this. She had dealt with worse stuff before.

"Try channeling some chakra," Naruto suggested. "I need to make sure you won't explode or anything."

"_What_?"

"I'm just kidding." Naruto grinned at her exasperated expression as she slipped back into her clothing. She made a single clone before nodding.

"Cool. Make sure use the Transformation Jutsu in order to make the guards believe the seal is still on you. Time to start a riot," the blond said, grinning deviously while rubbing his hands together.

Chaos was too much fun.

**VvVvV**

=Outside of the Eating Place Where Prisoners Hang out=

The plan was really simple. Honestly, if anyone heard the plan Naruto and Ryuuzetsu came up with, they would laugh in the faces of the two ninja.

Fight in the middle of the courtyard and cause a riot that would overwhelm the guards. No chakra would be used, so no one would be hurt and the guards would still believe Naruto and Ryuuzetsu had the seals on their bodies.

Eventually, Mui would appear in order to quell the minor uprising, and that was when the blond and the white-haired kunoichi would silently leave to find out where the Box of Ultimate Bliss was being held.

Grabbing Mui in the middle of all of the chaos, fun as it seemed, would only cause more trouble. People might get seriously hurt, which was why Ryuuzetsu eventually decided against it. Naruto didn't care much either way.

He had stopped giving a damn about harming others the moment he stepped into the corrupt prison complex that was holding serious criminals. He did, however, have to keep up his cover, stupid as it was.

So once the plan was sprung and a riot raging, both ninja crept away from the courtyard and into a hallway leading to the lower levels of the prison. "This place smells like shit," Naruto whispered, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"We're near the sewer waters," his companion explained. "Keep your voice down. The room where the box is remaining should be nearby."

Naruto grimaced, but kept his trap shut. The two kept creeping along until they reached a room with various equipment in it, as well as a stretcher of some sort.

Ryuuzetsu shuddered slightly. "Squeamish much? Or bad memories?" Naruto asked.

"This is where Mui sacrificed Muku," the white-haired kunoichi whispered.

The blond nodded grimly and walked past the room, deftly avoiding all of the hidden traps as if they weren't even there. Ryuuzetsu followed shortly afterward and the two kept walking towards the end of the room.

"So this is it?"

"Yes. This is the Box of Ultimate Bliss. I remember it from when I watched Muku..." She trailed off, not really wanting to relive watching her best friend be sucked up by a demented box. That was sure to give nightmares... odd, odd nightmares.

Naruto gave the box a once over. It looked like it was made up of stone, had several weird-looking faces on it, and seemed pretty harmless aside from its strange name.

"**Huh, I can smell evil chakra within. Some idiot must have gathered demon chakra and stuffed it into a regular box.**"

_So that's why they call it the Box of Ultimate Bliss?_

"**Weren't you paying attention? The box is said to be able to grant wishes, but I'm guessing the chakra within just turns you super evil.**"

_Oh, really? I was staring at the kunoichi's ass. It's not half-bad. Sexism and the objectification of women aside, this is probably bad news right? If there's evil chakra inside this thing, then it's not really a weapon._

"**It's still a weapon, but an indiscriminate one. Let's get this over with.**"

Naruto cut off the quick mental connection with Kurama and walked up to the box. "So how are we going to blow it up? I can't incinerate it or else this place will cave in on us. By the way, Mui's approaching. He's seen through our extremely clever ruse," the blond informed.

Ryuuzetsu scowled, but her body tensed in preparation. She formed a Tiger hand seal, which caused many fireballs to appear, each taking the shape of an eery specter. "Fire Release: Demon Lantern!" she cried.

The ghost-like fireballs begin circling Ryuuzetsu protectively as more were produced. Some even made contact with Naruto, but instead of exploding, they simply phased through his body as if he wasn't even there.

Footsteps echoed as Mui appeared, gazing at the swirling mass of fire without concern. His sudden appearance caused many of the demon lanterns to break away from Ryuuzetsu and attack him. The remaining mass of fireballs flung themselves towards the Box of Ultimate Bliss.

"That won't work," Mui said and the fireballs exploded upon impacting the box. After the dust cleared, the box seemed to be completely intact. There was no visible damage anywhere.

Naruto frowned and Ryuuzetsu grit her teeth. The kunoichi whirled around to face Mui. "Mui, I won't allow you to open the Box of Ultimate Bliss!"

"You won't be able to stop me," Mui replied. "The jinchuriki will open the box whether of his own volition or not."

"I have a name, asshole," Naruto muttered. His pupils elongated into bar-pupils, because bar-pupils were awesome and Sage Mode was awesome too. "Jutsu made not do anything, but I can still punch holes into anything I want."

Before Mui could react, Naruto had punched the box with enough force to shake the entire cavern the three ninja were in. Feeling his chakra being sucked away, Naruto backpedaled and glared at the now vibrating box. "What the fuck? This thing sucks chakra just like Nagato? Why do all of the Sage's stuff absorb chakra?"

"Naruto, this place is going to collapse! Let's get out of here!" Ryuuzetsu yelled. She grabbed Naruto's hand and the two got the hell out of there as the box began to spin like a drill. It began to ascend just as the cavern began to cave in on itself.

Once completely outside in a way that defied logic, Naruto realized that the Box of Ultimate Bliss was in the middle of a rather large courtyard, looking completely unassuming. Well, it would have, if it didn't have four freaky faces pasted onto its sides.

Mui was there as well, only he wasn't paying attention to Ryuuzetsu or Naruto. Most of his focus was on the box, with part of it straying towards four weird dudes wearing masks. Naruto could tell, by way of chakra levels alone, that they weren't ANBU or competent ninja.

Although, chakra levels didn't always indicate skill level. Sometimes people had infinite chakra based on the situation, but that phenomenon was almost always overlooked because of a super-flashy, important battle.

Everyone was staring at the box. It had randomly popped up from underground in everyone else's eyes, so why wouldn't they be staring at it? They couldn't really ignore the overall creepy vibe radiating from it.

And then the mouth of the box opened wide, revealing an infinite nothingness within that seemed to swallow up incoming light.

Naruto whistled. "And here I thought the stone itself was static."

A figure stepped out from the mouth, eliciting gasps from Ryuuzetsu, the four masked ninja, and Mui. The rest of the prisoners were eying the figure with no small amount of distrust.

Naruto sniffed the air. "What the fuck? Mui's crying!" he loudly whispered to Ryuuzetsu.

Indeed, the master of Demon Lantern Castle was crying tears of joy, if the situation was anything to note. The man slowly walked up to the pale human that had exited the front mouth of the box.

"It's been so long... Muku! My son!"

That statement threw Naruto and Ryuuzetsu for a loop. So was Mui supposed to be a villain or not?

"Is that really Muku?" Naruto whispered. Ryuuzetsu nodded in response, her eyes still trained on Mui approaching his long-lost son.

It could have been a tender moment, but the stormy skies, weird-ass box, and large amount of watching prisoners kind of ruined it. Oh, and the fact that Muku stabbed his father through the chest with his own damned hand contributed to the moment's destruction.

"Hey!" Naruto yelled out in annoyance. "Killing someone in such a gruesome way is my job!"

Muku simply transformed into a grotesque thing that looked too disturbing to describe. Demon or not, its physiology didn't even make sense to Naruto, and he had seen a lot of fucked up shit.

"I am Satori, bringer of the box's judgment!" the bird-thing roared.

Despite what was about to happen, Naruto couldn't help but guffaw at that statement.

The box suddenly began inhaling and the four masked figures that had accompanied Mui were sucked into the object. Several other prisoners began to follow, much to Satori's glee.

"So... you ready to kick this thing's ass?" Naruto asked, glancing at his white-haired companion. She appeared frozen in shock. "Well, whether or not it has an ass, I'm still kicking its ass."

Bar-pupils go... along with a snazzy red coat. "What the hell? Where did this thing come from?" Naruto glanced down at the tacky coat that had suddenly appeared with alongside the onset of Sage Mode. The blond shrugged; at the very least he got to look cool while blowing up an evil demon.

Looking cool went a long way towards the hero profile. It probably went a long way towards the villain profile, too.

A Rasengan appeared in Naruto's hands before it began growing dramatically. Its color changed to a bright, golden yellow as the blond supercharged it with lightning. With a Rasengan the size of a human-sized boulder, Naruto aimed it at Satori, who was now flying around and shoving random people inside its special little box.

"Lightning Release: Spiraling Plasma Rush!" The ball of electrical chakra then sent out a volley of rapid electrical lightning bolts, each of which homed in on Satori's position.

Much to Naruto's confusion, the beast evaded all of the attacks even as they approached it. The homing feature of the attack didn't even make a difference. As the lightning bolts continued firing in intensity, the Rasnegan began to shrink until it was the size of an ordinary Rasengan.

Naruto was really annoyed. The Rasengan beat everything, damn it! Stupid strange demon thing was somehow evading all of the lightning bolts.

The blond grunted and then fired the ball in his hands. It shot straight towards Satori, who flew to the left to avoid it. However, it didn't anticipate the ball of electricity to sharply turn in the air and follow the demon thing.

Naruto felt quite a bit of satisfaction at seeing the spiral ball of electrical chakra smash into Satori's hide. Electricity wreaked havoc on its body for a few seconds before the demon shrugged it off and fired a giant sphere of red-something at Naruto.

"Very smart," Naruto muttered, shaking his head as he waited for the attack to impact. "Seal!" he yelled just as the ball neared him. Everyone paused, including Satori, and watched as the large ball of redness distorted and was sucked into Naruto's outstretched palm.

Then the thing was fired back at Satori, who evaded Naruto's attack once more. Satori also had to avoid the tentacles from a Hachibi-fied Killer Bee, as well as the vibrational attacks generated from Fuu's buzzing wings.

It also avoided a multitude of other attacks, such as Guren's Crystal Release techniques and the stream of fire unleashed by a Nibi-fied Yugito. Genjutsu seemed to have no effect on it as Itachi and Sasuke, as well as Tayuya, opted to use more conventional ninjutsu and explosive tags to attack the demon.

Basically, a huge fucking diversity of techniques and weapons were being flung at Satori, who had a strange propensity towards evading almost every attack.

"This is complete fucking bullshit!" Tayuya screamed, sounding very pissed off at the fact that her explosive tags kept missing.

Satori laughed. "I have the ability to sense fear and bloodlust. My body is instinctively evading your attacks based on those two emotions alone!"

The blond's eyebrow twitched. Even the fucking demons of the timeline he was stuck in were completely idiotic. Why would you reveal such an advantage? It wasn't like there was an audience that needed clarification on how the demon was avoiding everything.

And then the thing flew directly up to avoid the demonic fireballs that were being launched at it by Ryuuzetsu. It flew higher up before nosediving down at Ryuuzetsu. She appeared unable to evade the astonishingly fast attack. She was going to-

Nope. Not on Naruto Uzumaki's watch. He was too fast for such a death to occur. Ryuuzetsu was held in his arms, bridal-style, and he glared at Satori before returning his gaze to the kunoichi he was carrying.

Ryuuzetsu stirred, completely amazed that she had been saved from certain death. The crater around Satori certainly spoke wonders about its strength. "Stop being afraid," Naruto chastised, grinning down at the girl. "I know your buddy is in there, but he's kind of insane right now. Let's turn him back to normal, shall we?"

Satori was suddenly launched into the air, courtesy of a golden armor-clad Naruto. The blond jumped up to where Satori was still rising and punched him directly underneath the mouth-chin part of its body. A tail of chakra pulsed out from Naruto's body and grabbed Satori before it could escape.

"I'm so fucking happy that I can kick your ass right now!" Naruto yelled, grinning maniacally. "And I'm sure there's a difference between bloodlust and happiness!"

Kurama's head materialized around Naruto's body and it opened wide, chakra spinning in its maws. "You go boom now, motherfucker!"

Tailed Beast Bombs solved everything. The spectacular explosion of light in the sky was pretty breathtaking to behold.

When Naruto landed, he saw that particles of what used to be Satori were coming back together. They reformed into Muku, who looked quite dead, before being sucked back into the box. Mui was sucked into the box too because Naruto doesn't give a rat's ass about him. No father-son lasers here.

"**How anti-climactic,**" Kurama rumbled.

The prisoners attempted to escape, but were rounded up rather handily with two Tailed Beast Mode jinchuriki raging around the complex. Scaring the shit out of people was a very good way of controlling them.

The Box of Ultimate Bliss was thrown into the ocean, where no one would be able to find it again... until ninja came up with submarines.

Naruto was on the boat ride, along with Fuu, Killer B, and Yugito to Island Turtle. Oddly enough Ryuuzetsu was with him, but she would depart to the Hidden Grass on one of their stops.

"I still wish you hadn't destroyed Satori in that way, unconventional as it was," she said to Naruto.

"Don't be distraught over your friend," Naruto urged. "Imagine being alone, in constant darkness. Whatever sanity he had was long gone by the time we found him. It's a shame, but we had to purge that sort of unrestrained destruction. This is coming from a jinchuriki, so you know it's serious."

Ryuuzetsu nodded in resigned acceptance, but then kissed Naruto's cheek. "That was for saving me from Satori and from my fears, cliché as it sounds."

Naruto smirked at the kunoichi. "No problem. All in a days work for the most interesting man in the world." The blond paused for a moment and then sighed.

"What is it?" Ryuuzetsu asked.

"I need some western beer."

* * *

**Unconventional ending because... I'll admit it, I got lazy. This is all based on memory, so... I'm sorry if there are contradictions or errors.  
**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Adventures at Sea arc time, as well as Shizuka and "Tobi" attacking Nagato.**

* * *

Chapter Twenty: Jinchuriki At Sea

=Hidden Rain Village=

"I hate paperwork," Nagato said, glaring down at the pile of papers. He had regained mobility in his legs after Tsunade had healed him, much to his extreme gratitude. His villainous orientation had also done a complete one-eighty and he had allied himself with the Hidden Leaf.

Naruto really did seem to have a magical Therapy Jutsu. Punching people usually helped too.

"Now you know how I feel."

Nagato didn't even glance at the newcomer. Konan had decided to become the official ambassador for the Hidden Rain and so most of the time, she wasn't in the village. Oh, how he would have loved to pawn off the paperwork to her.

Nagato sighed and then clapped his hands together. His six Paths of Pain appeared and they all began to sort through the pile of paper. It was just that easy, especially with reanimated corpses.

"I wonder how Tobi will attempt to defeat the ninja villages," Nagato mused.

Konan smiled slightly. "He's not going to be able to deal with so many of them, as well as the amount of ninja we have. Besides, we have the statue that contains the Tailed Beasts."

"Actually, that went missing a week or so ago."

Konan stared at Nagato, her mouth agape in shock and surprise. "What are you talking about? You control that thing, don't you?" she exclaimed.

Nagato shrugged. "I have no idea at all. It was in the abyss and then it disappeared when I went to release the Tailed Beasts like Naruto instructed me to. Honestly, I was completely surprised as well."

"Perhaps it got up and walked off on its own?" Konan suggested, a wry grin on her face.

"Considering that there wasn't any destruction at or around the cavern it was being stored in, I doubt that." Regardless of his flat tone, Nagato's eyebrows twitched in amusement.

Konan sighed and folded her arms across her chest. "Couldn't you summon it again?" she asked.

The former leader of Akatsuki frowned. "You know, I never thought about doing that. It's just that, I've been swamped with so much paperwork..." the man trailed off, chuckling sheepishly at Konan's skeptical look. "Never mind."

In an effort to save face, Nagato jumped out the window and into the nearby, extremely large clearing. He flipped through some seals and slammed his palms into the ground.

Konan, from her perch in the window above, waited for the giant statue full of Tailed Beasts to appear.

It never did. There was no large puff of smoke that signified a successful summing, but there was an extremely small one. So, the summoning could technically be regarded as successful.

The blue-haired kunoichi jumped down to where Nagato was bent. He had picked up a scroll that had appeared. His excellent eyes quickly scanned through it and he grimaced at what he read.

"What does it say?"

He wordlessly handed the scroll over to his companion. She scanned the scroll and then palmed her face. "Of course. He would figure out a way to get the Rinnegan without taking it from you. He's too damn crafty," Konan lamented.

The scroll read: _I managed to unlock my own Rinnegan through the power of Senju DNA infusion. It looks like my newest bitc- err, I mean PARTNER is more useful than I thought. In your face, Nagato!_

_-Tobi_

**VvVvV**

=Adventures at Sea=

Special events or adventures always happened to Naruto Uzumaki. It wasn't coincidence if it was the damned law of the land. Despite traveling on a large ship with his buddies to an island that was really a giant turtle wasn't an exception.

Somewhere along the way they had dropped off Ryuuzetsu, who had gotten along quite well with Yugito and Fuu, and picked up Jiraiya. The pervert was not above continually making perverted comments and suggestions.

Which was pretty normal, since Naruto might've felt like something was wrong otherwise.

"Oi!" Naruto called out, watching as a giant, random bird kidnapped Gai Maito. The man was _still_ seasick, which was why the bird was able to snatch him up so easily.

The crew thought the sight of the S-rank jounin being toted through the air was too funny to stop. Despite that opinion, they still veered off course and followed the bird back to a giant island that was situated in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't even on their sea charts.

"You've got to be kidding me," Fuu groaned out. "First a giant fish..."

"...then some idiot ninja wasting our time..." Yugito said.

"...Can't forget that sketchy ghost ship and the battleship they were in, too!" Bee chimed in.

Naruto shrugged to himself. "Meh, what's a random, probably deserted island to a bunch of S-rank ninja..." Naruto turned to Aoba. "And Aoba."

Said ninja hung his head. Naruto flashed him a reassuring grin. Everyone was useful at something. Aoba was a better sensor than Naruto was without Sage Mode activated... usually. Maybe. Well, he was an extra hand.

Jiraiya's face immediately lit up in a blush. "Ooh! What if it's not deserted and it's actually a resort full of scantily clad women!" Steam blazed out of the man's nose.

Everyone ignored his lack of common sense.

The helmsman steered their boat towards the island and docked it near the beach. Naruto, Jiraiya, Bee, Fuu, and Yugito all jumped ashore to look for Gai. Yamato and Aoba decided to remain on the ship because their presence wasn't needed at all.

Were four jinchuriki and Jiraiya of the Sannin overkill?

Yugito whistled as she took in the beach. "Huh, I might like to relax here after this shtick is over."

"Yeah, once the war is over this place would be pretty nice to visit," Fuu agreed.

"Never mind the fact that it's a deserted island, you fools," Bee murmured, shaking his head at his fellow jinchuriki.

"I'd like you two to come here for vacation," Jiraiya said, grinning perversely. Yugito and Fuu rolled their eyes, pretty much used to his behavior at this point.

"Let's start moving," Naruto said, his bar-pupils fading. He had used Sage Mode to pick up Gai's chakra signature while his friends were bickering. "He should be up ahead. That bird that picked him up is slowing down for some reason. Either he's struggling or the bird's already tired."

The five dashed onward, with Naruto taking point. Given the speed they were able to reach, it wouldn't take long before they closed in on the bird's location.

However, Naruto noticed that parts of the forest seemed a bit too artificial. A natural island wouldn't have disturbances such as that.

His suspicions increased when he saw just why the giant bird had slowed down. It was being attacked by an absolutely gigantic centipede... and Gai was still woozy. Come on, that was a really poor trait to have if you were a taijutsu expert.

The bird was finally bit by the centipede and dropped Gai, who was caught by a blistering fast Jiraiya. Once laid on the ground, Gai quickly regained his senses and his wooziness vanished. "My most youthful friends!" the eccentric man cried, bringing in everyone for an unwanted hug.

"This is very touchy and all, but maybe we should do something about that centipede." Naruto jerked a finger at the centipede, which had just finished devouring the bird.

This time, Jiraiya sated his own penchant for destruction. He used an advanced Fire Release jutsu and burnt the thing to a crisp. It smelled really bad afterward, too.

"Okay, we got Gai. Let's head out, brats."

"Wait," Fuu said, frowning slightly. "I got something from that centipede before you incinerated it. Apparently, it's supposed to be a summon."

The revelation caused everyone to snap their attention to her. "What do you mean a summon?" Yugito asked, narrowing her eyes. "Summon animals have their own realms that they live in."

"I don't think this thing was meant to be a normal summoning animal. This island might have all kinds of summons that are meant to be optimal," Bee offered. His sunglasses seemed to gleam at his fairly poor rhyming scheme.

The blond Uzumaki sighed. "Sure, let's investigate more of this creepy deserted island. We don't have any deadlines to meet. Of course not."

"Don't whine, brat," Jiraiya cheerfully said.

"Shut up. I outrank you, you perverted idiot." Oh well. It could possibly help them out in the end.

The perverted sage snorted and the group of six dashed onward in a search for anything that seemed suspicious or out of place.

It was rather easy to find, actually. There was a random house among the trees they were traveling in. It was old, shabby, and completely abandoned.

So the main question was: Who the hell was on the island previously?

The random house would answer their questions, hopefully. They all decided to begin exploring the place.

It only took a few moments to find something of importance. "Hey guys, come here," Naruto announced, quickly rifling through the old journal that he had found lying in a drawer of a beat-up desk.

"What do you have there, Naruto-kun?" Gai said with unnatural seriousness.

"That's a journal, isn't it?" Fuu said.

Naruto nodded. "Yep, and from what I'm reading... the researchers here wanted to create the ultimate summoning animal, which is why there are so many giant animals running around. They succeeded, but it was too difficult to control so they got..." Naruto's eyes widened. "Holy shit! They got a survivor of the Uzumaki Clan to seal it away!"

"Well, it is hard to completely eradicate something," Jiraiya murmured. "I'm assuming they didn't succeed since everything is pretty much abandoned."

"Let's keep looking! I'm sure something's cooking!"

Well, a man could try.

They all exited the house, but Naruto kept the journal with him. It felt... strange. There was an odd presence associated with it, one that felt vaguely familiar.

"**Look to your right**," Kurama rumbled.

Naruto's head sharply turned to the right and he saw a ghostly image of a red-haired girl with onyx eyes and pale skin standing in the trees. His vision went fuzzy for a moment, but he shook it off. Why was that girl so familiar?

Shrugging the odd, familiar sensation off, he kept moving with his group. The journal had said that the main research facility was up in the sole mountain of the place, so they all high-tailed it over there.

They really had no obligation to remain on the island, but hey, a shinobi's got to sate their curiosity.

When they reached the area, they realized that the facility was situated next to a volcano. "Well, this seems fairly safe," Naruto remarked.

"Just because there's a volcano doesn't mean it's active," Yugito said.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean it's safe. I mean, all of that heat has got to damage something."

"Maybe they wanted a place to get rid of the failures?" Jiraiya suggested. Everyone frowned at that. Animal cruelty, whether or not they were artificial, was still animal cruelty. And not even the most evil of villains were cruel to animals.

The group of ninja eventually found the research facility that was mentioned in the journal Naruto had found. They also found some disfigured, extremely disgusting looking _thing_ sleeping in a vat of some kind of liquid or whatever.

"So, is this the thing that was mentioned?" Fuu asked. "It looks like it's sleeping."

"Let's seal this thing away before it decides to make us pay," Bee said with unusual seriousness.

Naruto nodded in agreement. "Right. Pervert! You're up!"

"What? Why me?"

"I'm too lazy to do anything right now."

Jiraiya growled at Naruto. "You have shadow clones and Uzumaki sealing skills!"

"So do you!"

Jiraiya was about to continue but there was a flash of light. Everyone stared, dumbfounded, as a wavering image of a red-haired kunoichi appeared.

"Honoka?" Naruto spit out in disbelief.

The specter didn't reply, but chains made up of words began to pull themselves out of the chakra points located in her arms.

"Never mind, let me do this," Naruto muttered. He jumped up to where the chimera-like summoning animal was and began flipping through a series of seals.

The chains from Honoka writhed in the air and infused themselves on the sleeping beast, which did not awake. When Naruto finished his long string of seals, he slammed his palms on the ground, causing the words to glow bright red.

The shinobi in the room all felt the ridiculous influx of chakra that Naruto was pumping into the glowing words. The chakra quickly drained away, leaving a dead-looking beast that was covered by strange inscriptions and symbols.

"That was pretty anti-climactic," Jiraiya said.

"What, did you expect some sort of amazing battle? _I'm_ performing the sealing, after all."

"Yeah, whatever. Who's the redhead?" Jiraiya asked.

Said redhead turned to Naruto, graced him with a smile, and then vanished into pinpricks of light.

"That was... someone familiar. I guess she died in this one and wasn't quite so great in sealing as she was in my timeline." Naruto shrugged and headed out of the research facility.

When they were a safe distance from the place, Naruto took out the journal and incinerated it, frowning slightly as he did so. Then he made a hand seal and the facility exploded in a violent display of fire and light.

"We're done here," the blond cheerfully said, feeling a lot better now that the alternate Honoka's soul could rest.

How he knew this, no one would ever know.

**VvVvV**

=Near Nadeshiko Village=

"Ooh, we've got to stop here!"

Everyone stared at Jiraiya. "Why?" Yugito asked, tilting her head slightly.

The perverse giggle pretty much answered her question.

"So we're staying here because you want to whore yourself out?" Naruto raised an eyebrow at Jiraiya's rapid nod. "Okay... I'm confused. While you do usually say that since you think all women are magnetically attracted to you, you're much more... assured, I think?"

Jiraiya's chest puffed up and his eyes gleamed.

"Oh come on! The only way your whoring would actually work would be if there were only women on that island!" Jiraiya's grin threatened to crack his face in half. "Holy shit... that island only has women on it?"

Bee, Yugito, and Fuu leaned in slightly to hear Jiraiya's answer. "Yep! I came here years ago and defeated the previous leader of this village. Because monogamy sucks dick only and polygamy sucks everything else, I declined her offer of marriage."

Everyone was very, very confused at this point.

"Oh, right. Maybe I should explain some more." Jiraiya chuckled sheepishly. "Nadeshiko Village is ruled by women only and while there are _some_ males... they're practically non-existent."

"The males bend over while the females control everything?" Jiraiya nodded his head. "I like this village already," Yugito cheerfully chimed.

Naruto didn't like the look on her face. "So what does this have to do with anything? You declined her marriage, blah blah blah... what's going on?"

"Well," Jiraiya said, continuing with his explanation, "Due to the way the village works, the females must leave their village in order to find a husband. The catch is that the males they find must be able to defeat the females before they get hitched."

Realization dawned on their faces. "So she wanted you, but you defeated her and then declined her offer of marriage. Are you coming back here for nostalgia?" Fuu questioned.

"Nope!" Jiraiya said, grinning widely again. "I came here because in order to escape the marriage, I pawned off a future apprentice to her successor."

"Ha, I can't wait to see the sucker who got sucked into that marriage... wait..." Naruto trailed off before his expression turned deadpan. "Fuck. I'm technically your apprentice, aren't I?"

"Yep. I don't know who her successor is, but if she's anything like her predecessor, then you'll be quite satisfied."

"Fine, let's make a detour. Might as well explore this place anyway," Naruto said, assenting to dropping into the island and meeting the leader.

The ship changed course and Naruto and Jiraiya ended up exploring the village together. Bee, Yugito, and Fuu went elsewhere to pick up some souvenirs or in Bee's case, sing for some middle-aged women.

That was totally a respectable fetish, by the way.

As the two S-rank ninja were exploring, some strange puppet-like contraption appeared out of nowhere and began attacking some woman on the path they were on. Shopkeepers and civilians cleared out of the street, avoiding the scuffle before it could break out.

Naruto made to attack the thing simply because he could, but Jiraiya put a hand on his shoulder to hold him back. "Wait," he said. "I want to find out exactly who that girl is." He had a creeping suspicion...

The man wielding the weird-puppet-thing was easily defeated by the kunoichi, who resumed her uptight stance as if nothing had ever happened.

The guard she was with suddenly locked eyes with Jiraiya and in a blink of an eye, was next to the toad sage. Naruto cried tears of joy.

Both the guard and the guarded had curvacious bodies with rather modest busts. _Really_ modest busts. A quick cursory glance around the village told Naruto that the women must all have been naturally gifted.

It was a good day today, he decided. Listening to Jiraiya was a good idea.

"You!" the guard said, pointing at Jiraiya.

The man actually nodded seriously, his face slightly grim. "Yes, it is me, Jiraiya of the Hidden Leaf. Is that you, Tokiwa?"

The woman with short brown hair and pale skin nodded. "Am I correct in assuming that you have come to uphold the arrangements made so many years ago?"

Before Jiraiya could reply, Naruto butt in. "Hey, don't I get a say in this?"

Tokiwa's eyes snapped to the slightly shorter blond, who was forced to lock eyes with her in order to avoid incurring her wrath.

_Damn, those things are hard to keep away from_, Naruto thought. Kurama chortled at his vain attempts to keep his eyes locked on Tokiwa's face.

"This is very convenient, to be honest. We were on our way to find you two. Shizuka!" Tokiwa barked, causing the dark-haired kunoichi to walk up to Jiraiya and Naruto. "I'd like you to meet Jiraiya of the Sannin, and his apprentice-"

"Naruto Uzumaki," the blond smoothly said, giving the now-named Shizuka a smirk. He found that he very much liked her eyes. Her torso had already been mentioned and the rest of her body went without saying.

"Are you the one I am to fight?" she said in a flat tone.

"Now, when you say fight, what kind of fight are we talking about here?"

Rather than reply, Tokiwa and Shizuka turned and began walking. Naruto glanced at his godfather, who shrugged. The two ninja began to follow the two kunoichi out of the village and into an isolated clearing.

Tokiwa flipped through some seals, slammed her hands onto the ground, and yelled out, "Earth Release: Iron Fist Prison!"

A gigantic dome with tall walls rose around the four ninja, trapping them within. Naruto whistled at the impressive display. "So this is where we'll be fighting?" the blond asked.

"Obviously," Jiraiya said, rolling his eyes.

"Do we really have to do this?"

"Yes, brat. Now defend my honor and my ring finger."

Naruto sighed in resignation and took his spot opposite of Shizuka, who had remained quiet over the slight amount of bickering. Tokiwa and Jiraiya both jumped a decent distance away in order to avoid being caught up in any wide-scale techniques the two ninja would use.

Shizuka started off the battle by chucking a ridiculous amount of kunai and shuriken at Naruto. As he dipped, dived, and ducked, he wondered just where she was getting all of the weapons. Perhaps she had seals or something on her clothes?

It was eerily familiar to fighting Tenten that one time when he made a sexist comment and pissed her off. That was pretty fun, watching as every single type of weapon was chucked at his body and then blown away.

Tenten hadn't been amused, so Naruto had to... _apologize_. He rolled away from another burst of kunai that was sent from Shizuka's rapidly spinning body and shuddered. Apologizing sucked. He was above that shit, for crying out loud.

"**That's pretty arrogant, you know.**"

_Shut up, I can be arrogant if I want_, Naruto fired back.

"I must commend you on evading my Nadeshiko-Style: Deep Crimson Dance Performance and my Dance Performance: Second Step," Shizuka said, actually speaking for once.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You spoke again? Here I thought you were ridiculously shy or something."

Shizuka briefly frowned. Her name did mean "quiet", after all. She mentally chanted out the name of her next technique, Violent Whirlwind, and then exhaled a fierce stream of wind at her opponent.

"Using wind manipulation against me? Not quite so smart," Naruto called out, grinning at Shizuka. Coating his entire body in wind chakra, he surged forward, effectively diverting the winds around his body and was about to make Shizuka yield when a giant puppet-robot-thing appeared.

He didn't even know what to call those things anymore.

Quickly backing away, Naruto watched as Shizuka huffed in annoyance at the appearance of the man with the weird contraptions. "Shizuka-chan! I'm here to forcibly take your hand in marriage again!" he called out.

Naruto snorted. That was incredibly silly. She would just kill him when his guard was down.

The dark-haired kunoichi Naruto had been fighting against destroyed the puppet the man was in before her body froze up. "Ha! I now have control of Shizuka with some super clever jutsu of mine based on chakra threads!" he yelled. "Nadeshiko Village is now mine once I force Shizuka-chan to marry me!"

The blond gave the man a deadpan look. "Did you really just tell me a part of your super clever jutsu?" he asked.

The man nodded triumphantly. Naruto palmed his face and sighed in irritation. He snapped his fingers, causing Shizuka to return to her senses, much to the man's surprise.

And then Naruto blasted the man into the sky with a chakra-fueled roar. He was probably going to die. Oh well. He couldn't exactly remove the man's chest cavity in front of Jiraiya and Tokiwa... then again, where were they?

"Great job, brat. You beat the bad guy and avoided getting hitched," Jiraiya said, cheerfully clapping Naruto on the shoulder. "Sorry, I was treating Tokiwa here to some lunch. We just got back. Did you know Bee actually has a fanbase here now?"

"Cool story," Naruto grumbled.

Shizuka groaned and rubbed her head, causing Tokiwa to hurry over to her. "Are you all right, Shizuka?" She was worried.

The future leader of the village nodded before staring at Naruto. "I... think I'll submit to Naruto," she announced.

"Why? The fight wasn't over," he replied.

"You were able to evade everything and your wind manipulation is stronger than mine. You're more powerful than I am," Shizuka evenly said, bowing her head in submission to the blond.

"Actually, he's more powerful than everyone," Jiraiya chimed. "He's actually the second Sage of the Six Paths and he's from some random future. We don't tend to focus on that, though. What he does in the present is more interesting than what he did in his own future."

"That sounds very confusing," Tokiwa noted.

Naruto shrugged. "I'm not going to marry Shizuka over here." At Shizuka's startled look, he explained his reasons. "Look, you're pretty and strong, but that's all I know about you. Arranged marriages are the things of sappy romantic fiction and more often than not, suck. I'd rather not do that to you since you're being forced into it as much as I am."

Shizuka's eyes were pretty wide at this point.

"Besides, it's not like we're going to suddenly love each other if the marriage went through. What, do people think that would actually happen? We're humans, not puppets."

"So a great idea would be for you to take her out," Tokiwa finally said after a minute of silence.

Naruto shrugged. "Sure." He grabbed Shizuka's hand and dragged the wide-eyed girl out of the arena, blasting a hole in the wall in the process.

It took them twenty minutes to find a place to eat, but that was due to Naruto. He didn't know the village layout at all and Shizuka wanted to eat somewhere that wouldn't draw attention to her.

When they were all situated and eating some random dinner that didn't warrant a description, Naruto decided to begin their conversation. "So tell me about yourself, Shizuka," Naruto began, keeping his eyes of off her bosom.

The kunoichi nodded. "I was born here and groomed to be the next leader. I'm sure Lord Jiraiya told you, but here females must seek out males powerful enough to defeat them and bring them here for marriage."

Naruto really wanted to bring up the topic of homosexuality regarding the females of the village, but that might've been disrespectful. He ended up doing it anyway. "So if kunoichi from this village can't find a man, do they end up as lesbians? Come to think of it, how are you raised to like men if there are very few men in this village? Do aesthetics not matter to you at all?"

Shizuka was very confused by the barrage of rapid-fire questions, but answered honestly anyway. "Sometimes, through books and conditioning, and more often than not it's personality and strength that matter to us. Respectively," she added as a forethought.

The blond nodded. "I see. What about you? I'm sure you didn't like being forced to fight me in some arrangement my sensei half-assed."

Shizuka sighed. "Years ago, there was someone very precious to me. We were forbidden to see each other because of the village's laws. He, however, died and I ended up closing my heart off. The village laws were partially to blame because of this and I've wanted to change them ever since."

"Was this person your lover?"

Shizuka appeared uneasy before looking away from Naruto. "We didn't have a chance to get that far before he died."

"I can relate to you there, at least," Naruto mumbled. "But that's no reason to be all emotionally negative. There are a lot of people in this world and many of them could give you a run for your money. There's always going to be someone who can make you as happy or possibly even more than your previous partner."

"Do you really believe that?" Shizuka asked.

"'Course I do," he replied, grinning at her. "I'm an optimistic person. I'm borderline insane too, but what the fuck. What's a shinobi without a little craziness thrown in?"

Shizuka actually giggled at that. Then she frowned. "Still, there is the issue of the village laws."

"I'm not bound by these laws. Diplomatic immunity is awesome for the Hokage," he cheekily said.

Shizuka's eyebrows shot up. "You're the Hokage?" she said in complete surprise.

"Yeah, but I also have a demon sealed in my gut, hence why I'm being stowed away on some random island. But that's another topic that I don't particularly care about. You really should attempt to change the rules in this village. For one, people generally like freedom, and two, not every dude will want to be dragged back to this village after he defeats a woman from here."

"True," Shizuka agreed. "I'm going to get stronger, then. For this village, and for someone else."

"Is that someone else me?"

"Maybe," Shizuka let out, a smirk on her face. The effect was lessened by the tinge of pink on her face.

"Well then, I guess it's time for a romantic cliché," he said.

"Really?" Shizuka asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yep. Since we're not going through with the arranged marriage, I'm going to take you for a walk. Got a park anywhere?"

Shizuka rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand, taking him out of the restaurant and out into the village.

* * *

**Post Chapter A/N: Yes, I'm railing on arranged-marriage fics where it's used to get two people who otherwise have very little interaction or romantic interaction together. Come on, be original. Naruto's personality can make any girl work with him.  
**


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One: Like Mother, Like Son

They were here. After quite a few weeks sailing the ocean and wishing that he had some way to conduct the wind to move in his favor, Naruto finally laid eyes upon the Island Turtle.

It was fucking gigantic. It had to be, considering that it was labeled as a damned island.

He hadn't visited the place in his own timeline, so it was a complete unknown to him. From the nostalgic looks on the faces of Yugito and Bee, it was obvious that they had already been to the island before.

Not that it wasn't obvious beforehand considering Cloud owned the island.

They were about to approach the "port" in the island, but there was a cry of surprise from one of the sailors and the seas surged. Tentacles arose from the depths, followed by a large, glistening body.

"Is that an _octopus_?" Naruto blurted.

"No, that's a squid," Jiraiya yelled out, preparing to send out a volley of ninjutsu at the beast that had just decided to start attacking their ship.

"Yo bro, let me handle the squid before he decides to go under the grid!" Bee rapped. The large man jumped over the railings of the ship and into the water before anyone could reprimand him.

"I think Bee transforms for less of a reason than I do," Naruto muttered, watching as octopus tentacles rose from the sea and began wrapping around the screeching squid.

"That's not fair," Fuu said, pouting. "I can't use Tailed Beast Mode yet..."

Yugito gave her fellow jinchuriki a reassuring smile despite the presence of the sea monster. "Don't worry. This island should help you master your powers, especially since your Tailed Beast is helping you out rather than actively sabotaging you."

"I wonder how this island does that," Naruto mused before octopus legs rose from the water and wrapped around the writhing squid. With their extreme strength, the tentacles ripped the squid away from the ship, thankfully without causing heavy damage.

The Eight Tails' body shot up from the ocean, rapping something that was unintelligible due to its baritone voice. The Hachibi-fied Bee delivered a vicious punch to the squid's, err, face, and sent it swimming away.

"You mad that I'm so rad!" the octo-bull rumbled out.

The remaining jinchuriki and Jiraiya, as well some of the other ninja gave Bee a deadpan look. "Bee, just drag the ship onto port so we can get to our rooms and start dealing with this," Yugito demanded.

"You look more beautful when you're not scowling," Naruto offhandedly replied. Then he jumped up and landed on the Eight Tails' nose, smirking when he heard Yugito sputter in surprise. "Oi! Let's hurry up! I want to explore this place!"

"Keep your panties on, man!" the transformed Bee yelled. The octopus legs latched onto the ship and began pulling it towards shore. Naruto comfortably reclined on the being's snout, ignorant of the dumbfounded looks some of the ninja were giving him.

Eventually, the ship and its occupants reached land. Granted, it was part of the shell of the giant turtle, but it was solid enough to constitute as land. It was probably massive enough, too.

After surveying the place, Naruto could see how it was meant to help control raging jinchuriki. The turtle could move and the shell was filled with dense, crotchety-looking trees. "So you two learned to control Tailed Beast chakra here?" he asked, gesturing towards Yugito and Bee.

Both of them nodded. "Hell yeah, muthafucka! I'm king of the beasts here!" Bee declared, lifting his chin in a pompous manner.

"Very impressive," Yugito said dryly. Clearing her throat, she elaborated, "Yes, Bee and I learned to control the chakra here. It has a lot of free space to train and there are a lot of animals here. Bee's managed to conquer them all, so they defer to him most of the time."

"Figures that they would follow an overgrown monkey," Fuu sniped, joining the conversation. A frown embedded itself on her visage. "I think Tayuya is really rubbing off on me."

"Considering you live with her, I don't doubt that."

Jiraiya approached the jinchuriki, clearing his throat to catch their attention. "The rest of the sailors, as well as the Leaf ninja accompanying them, have headed to the small buildings that were erected as shelters. Do you guys want to go there, or are you going to dive right into training?"

Naruto exchanged glances with Fuu. "That's fine. We'll rest a bit before Fuu attempts to master Chomei's chakra. It's getting late, anyway."

The perverted sage nodded in acceptance. "I'll meet you guys there. Yugito-san and Bee-san should know where to go."

Kurama's jinchuriki shrugged. "Sure." Naruto directed his gaze to his fellow Leaf-ninja and put a hand on her shoulder. "Want to explore this dump? I'm sure we could end up doing something to entertain ourselves."

Fuu grinned at that. "Really? Come find me, then." The green-haired girl's body turned into a swarm of beetles and flew in every direction, completely stunning Naruto.

"Huh, maybe I should pay more attention. I really didn't know she could do that."

"We're heading to the shelters," Yugito informed. "I assume you dumped a Flying Thunder God seal somewhere on me? I'm sure you did it a few nights ago."

Ignoring Bee's not-so-subtle thumbs up, Naruto grunted in affirmation before vanishing from view. His blistering speed left not even a blur behind him as he ran through the island, intent on finding his target.

**VvVvV**

=Falls of Truth=

"So what am I looking at here?" Jiraiya asked.

"This is where me and the Hachibi learnt to go out with a ring!" Bee explained. He gestured grandly to the waterfall.

Yugito sighed in response to Bee's vague explanation. The falls were only one part of the synchronization process, after all. "Let me explain this, Bee," Yugito tiredly said.

Jiraiya, Naruto, and Fuu turned to the Nibi's container, waiting for an explanation. Jiraiya and Fuu had no idea what the falls were supposed to do. Naruto had some idea, but his training was somewhat different. There was a whirlpool in place of a waterfall, for one.

"This," Yugito said, pointing at the crashing waterfall, "is known as the Falls of Truth. It's the first step in learning to commune with your Tailed Beast. Bee and I both came here to master the demonic chakra and eventually learned to completely communicate with our Tailed Beasts."

"So... what do I do?"

The older blonde smiled at Fuu. "This is where you'll confront your opposite; the traits that completely oppose your progress all imbued in one bad copy. We can't offer any help from here on out, but know that we're with you in spirit."

"Cheesy, but it works," Naruto mused. He grinned at the deadpan expressions of his friends and watched as Fuu took a deep breath and sat right in front of the waterfall. She adopted a meditating pose and waited.

After about thirty seconds, Naruto began tapping his foot. "How long is this supposed to take?"

Bee shrugged. "That depends on her copy's vitality, man. I'm sure she can do it; she's got the guts for it!"

"How did you master your demonic chakra, by the way?" Yugito asked her fellow blond, glancing at him from the corner of her eyes.

"The Mizukage of my time helped me out."

"And...?" the blonde prompted, indicating that she wanted Naruto to keep speaking.

"It was some special island near the Hidden Whirlpool Village where Yagura taught me to completely access and manipulate Kurama's chakra. That was when the fox and I connected and got all chummy with each other."

Jiraiya waved a hand towards the crashing wall of water. "So was there a waterfall like this in that special island as well?"

"There was a whirlpool that was manipulated by the natural energy in its surroundings," Naruto continued. "'The swirling tides forces you to unite your feelings or else you will become swept away by darkness', or so they say."

"And you said what these falls did were cheesy," Yugito dryly replied. She got a shrug in response.

"Well, in order to confront the hatred of the Tailed Beasts, you have to conquer your dark side."

"I think you two are right," Jiraiya mused, jumping into the conversation, "Conquering your dark side in order to access greater power really seems like it's been done before. Repeatedly, too."

"That's only because you put that shit in those novels of yours, old man," Bee chimed. Jiraiya's eyebrow twitched.

"Actually, I think those are devices used in many novels for the hero," Naruto said. "I don't think there's a story in which the hero must become... darker, so to speak, in order to access more power. They're always completely holy and good and all of that silly stuff. Where's the realism? No one can be that pure."

Yugito hummed in thought. "You know, I would have said you were all pure because you're the successor of the ancient sage, but after everything I've seen you do... definitely not."

There was a snort nearby and Fuu rose from her sitting position, stretching lithely as she rejoined her friends. "From that expression on your face, I'm guessing you either find what we were speaking about funny or you succeeded in confronting your opposite," Naruto said.

"Yeah... my opposite self was a real jerk," she replied, wrinkling her nose in an expression of distaste. "But we made up and now I'm ready to continue on. What's next?"

Bee and Yugito walked up to the waterfall and went right through it. Fuu and Jiraiya followed. Naruto walked up to the falls last.

They all ended up inside some cavern with various murals painted on the walls of the Nibi and Hachibi. In addition, there were various statues lying around. Yugito explained the history behind the cavern, which was known as the Tailed Beast Temple.

It was designed to help jinchuriki training in their Tailed Beast powers and stop Tailed Beasts from escaping should the beasts break away from their hosts and become reborn.

Yugito led Fuu to a statue of the Nibi's head, where she instructed the green-haired girl to stick her head inside. After some unnecessary – but amusing – jokes, the door to the Chakra Isolation Chamber was opened.

"Naruto," Yugito said, drawing her fellow blond's attention, "I need you to enter with Fuu. She told me that the Nanabi is already aware of who you are and her proving herself to the beetle will be smoother if you're there as reinforcement."

Naruto nodded and entered the chamber with Fuu. Yugito entered afterward in order to keep an eye on things since neither Naruto nor Fuu had been in the chamber before.

Fuu sat and entered a meditating position. Yugito motioned for Naruto to lay a hand on Fuu's right shoulder while Yugito put a hand on the other shoulder. Channeling demonic chakra to their fingertips, both jinchuriki took the plunge into Fuu's mind.

**VvVvV**

=Within the Mind=

A throbbing headache greeted Naruto when he opened his eyes. The blond held his head and groaned, rubbing his temple in an attempt to alleviate the pain. Usually, when he entered a fellow jinchuriki's mind, pain wasn't present. It was supposed to be a smooth transition.

What confused him – not scared him or made him nervous – was the lack of contact he felt with Kurama. His spirit and chakra felt disconnected from the world around him.

It was as if someone had dumped into some isolated plane of existence.

Naruto finally opened his eyes, taking in the pale brightness surrounding him. It looked like the image of his mind after bonding with Kurama, but without the presence of the Tailed Beast.

That didn't mean that the place was devoid of any presence bar his own. Naruto could feel something oddly familiar radiating from the area.

"What the hell is going on?" Naruto asked the nothingness.

A giggle caused him to whirl around, nearly twisting his torso into an uncomfortable position as he did so. He saw a woman with light skin, fiery red hair, and familiar blue eyes.

"Okay, now I know there was something in Bee's cooking."

The woman's giggling stopped and she gave him an irritated expression. Then she smacked him in the head. "Damn it, Naruto! Don't you recognize your mother?" she yelled, her hair flaring up menacingly.

Naruto winced and rubbed the growing bump on his head. He glanced up at his mother and then frowned. "Well yeah, of course I do. But you're supposed to be dead and the seal didn't have anything except for the Kyuubi locked, so I'm probably hallucinating."

Kushina punched her son again. "Idiot! You call yourself a seal master?! A seal master always accounts for the unaccounted! It's what makes us Uzumaki so damn useful!"

The blond groaned as he rubbed his head again. Maybe he had overlooked something... it was probably a side effect of his memories – and the Kyuubi – being sent to inhabit some body. That posed the question, though: "Are you my real mother or this Naruto's mother?" he asked.

The redhead smirked at him. "Yeah, I'm from your dimension. Didn't see that coming, did you?"

"I didn't see any of this coming. Here I thought I was supposed to help Fuu obtain control of the Nanabi's chakra..."

"Yeah, I don't understand it either, ya know..." Kushina rubbed the back of her head, chuckling sheepishly. "At least I get to spend some time with you, though," she said, smiling gently at her son.

Naruto laughed at that, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He couldn't help it; the guy hadn't ever met his mother.

And then he hugged her tightly. Sure, he had received affection from many, many women, but that was one thing. A mother's touch was completely different.

The two sat down on the unending nothingness, gazing at each other in a sort of giddy happiness. "So, I guess I get my personality from you?" Naruto asked with a grin on his face.

Kushina again chuckled sheepishly. "Part of it. You're kind of like your father when you fight seriously, but most of the time you take after me. It's actually very scary," she replied.

"What, the verbal tick and all?"

"Especially that verbal tick," Kushina said dryly. "I was hoping you didn't get that, but apparently not." She sighed dramatically. "Oh, well. But, here's the thing: when can I expect some grandchildren?"

Naruto's jaw dropped. "Is that really what you want to ask me? When you can expect some grandchildren?"

Kushina shrugged. "Can you blame me? I was so looking forward to having more children..." she sighed morosely. "I'll just have to settle with grandchildren!" Her mood did a complete one-eighty.

"You do realize what your situation is, right mom?" Naruto said, completely lacking tact.

A raincloud appeared above Kushina and she hung her head dejectedly. "So mean, Naruto-kun... so mean..." Then she straightened up, grinning deviously. "Enough about that, though! I want to hear all about how my son's managed to charm his way into the heart of every girl ever!"

"Of course..." Naruto muttered, rolling his eyes. "I didn't really do anything, actually. I didn't woo any girl, that's for sure. No flowers from me. I think I'm a grade-A asshole, to be honest."

"Don't sell yourself short. You've saved some of them from death and some from a terrible life, not to mention the fact that you've managed to erase some age-hold grudges."

"Yeah I had no idea what I was doing there too."

Kushina snorted and gave her son a smile. "I'm actually wondering how you're going to rebuild the Village Hidden by the Whirlpools if you're Hokage," she asked.

"And that's why I didn't want to be Hokage, but the old man had to hand down the damned hat. He just had to." The blond grumbled some more under his breath. "What am I supposed to do, let the Hidden Whirlpool rot in all its destroyed glory?"

"Well, maybe its time has passed in this timeline. Just rebuild it in the Hidden Leaf. I'm sure the prestige of being the Hokage would do our clan some good."

"I might need to get a bigger compound... my wallet's going to die." Tears shed for the loss of so much innocent dough rolled down his eyes.

"Honestly, that's not even the biggest issue here considering the Hokage gets a lot of money and leeway regarding certain things. Just how are you going to take care of so many women? Realistically, your relationships with them shouldn't even exist, so I'm chalking that up to divine intervention."

"What, nothing about my amazing personality?" Naruto joked.

"I thought you were a grade-A asshole," Kushina responded, smirking as his face fell. "Despite that fact, I'm surprised no one's called you up on that."

"A lot of people have called me an asshole!"

"No, I meant the fact that you have a harem of women after what's in your pants," Kushina said.

"I'm just that amazing," Naruto declared.

Kushina palmed her face. Of course he had to be too much like her. Not like Minato, who always followed the rules in _public_. She and Naruto damned the rules in public.

"Seriously though, I have no idea. You think I know why they all like me? Maybe kunoichi are attracted to power? Maybe they're attracted to my attitude? I have no idea. I don't even know how they tolerate each other because, to be honest, this whole thing is one huge slight against the standing of women."

Kushina nodded in agreement. "You've got that right. Too bad no one cares. But at least I'm going to get a lot of grandchildren!" she cried with a triumphant smile.

"Way too focused on that, mom. You have a grandchild on the way, though," he offhandedly replied.

There was a squeal and he felt himself be tackled by his mother. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him repeatedly in excitement. "I do, do I? Who is she? Did I know her? Is she a ninja? What hair color does she have?"

Naruto shook his head to regain his bearings and withstood the rapid barrage of questions. "In order from first to last, yes, a priestess, no, no, and light blonde hair."

The shaking stopped and Naruto was scrutinized by a careful pair of blue eyes. "A priestess? I thought they were supposed to take a vow of celibacy or something," the redhead said.

"She sure didn't act like she had taken a vow of celibacy," Naruto murmured, grinning stupidly at the memory. He received a smack to the back of the head from his mother.

"Tell me more," she said. "How did you two meet and all of that good stuff."

"That might feel like a sappy love story and I'm not inclined to talk about it like that. I met her, she was an ice queen, I saved her, she wasn't an ice queen. And then she asked me to sire her progeny."

Kushina nodded. "You know, that really could read like a sappy love story if you decided to write like that."

"All right, enough about my relationships with various women and the pregnant girl waiting for me in some far-off land," Naruto said, moving away from the topic of grandchildren.

"I still have some time left before my chakra fades away," Kushina remarked. "What else do you want to talk about?"

"I... could resurrect you," Naruto offered, glancing hopefully at his mother. His lack of interaction towards his biological mother fueled his suggestion.

The redhead's jaw dropped. "Resurrect me? How? I know you're the successor of the Sage of the Six Paths, but you don't have the Rinnegan," she quietly said.

Naruto remained silent for a moment, looking away from his mother before he sighed slightly. "I don't, but mastery over Yin-Yang Release allows me to reach into the realm of souls. So, I can resurrect you and recreate your body. I can't do it without your willingness, however."

Kushina grinned at him. "Naruto-kun, as happy as that makes me, I want to join your father. He's been waiting for me and it's been a long time. I know you need a complete signature to have an idea of what to look for."

"I guess," Naruto muttered in reply, crestfallen at his mother's refusal.

"Don't give me that tone, mister!" Kushina snapped. Her abrupt change of tone caused Naruto to quickly meet her eyes in consternation. "There are a lot of people who would gladly be in your position right now."

Naruto took a deep breath and grinned confidently at his mother. "I gotcha, mom. I'll see you in the other world once my time comes, yeah?"

Kushina's body began to disintegrate into glowing particles of light as her time began to ran out. She embraced her son once more as tears fell from her eyes. "Live your life, Naruto-kun. You still have a long one ahead of you. At least you were cared for and knew that your father and I loved you. Do you want any more of this parental junk before I vanish?" she joked, grinning at him.

Naruto let go of his mother and returned her smile. "That's fine, mom."

She whispered a faint good-bye that was imbued with all of the love and happiness that could come from one finally meeting her child. There was some other mushy stuff in it too.

The white nothingness began to blacken as the plane of existence created for both mother and son to meet fell apart, forcefully ejecting Naruto back to reality.

**VvVvV**

=Chakra Isolation Chamber=

Fuu gasped as Naruto suddenly moved. He fell back with a yelp and groaned at his stiff joints. He quickly stretched, wincing as his joints popped back into place.

"What happened to you?" Yugito asked, gazing down at her fellow blond in concern. "Fuu here finished up really quickly, but your presence completely vanished once you connected to her mind."

"I met my mom," he simply explained.

"Was it Bee's cooking?" Fuu snickered at Bee's outrage towards her statement.

"No, it was her actual soul sealed along with some chakra. I never figured out that it was there," Naruto explained. "I know people have told me where I get my personality, but it was so strange talking to her. It was like having a conversation with a redheaded, female version of myself."

"Enjoy yourself, did you?"

Naruto nodded absently at Yugito's statement. "I would've liked to meet my old man too, but I guess not. Enough about me, though." He turned to Fuu. "So what happened with you?"

In response, Fuu grabbed Naruto's hand and dragged him outside. Everyone followed the two out beyond the falls and into the wide expanse of the forest. "Check this out. Tailed Beast Mode go!" she cried out.

There was a _massive_ influx of demonic chakra as Fuu's form turned monstrous and the Nanabi's beetle-like carapace manifested itself. Loud, incessant buzzing filled the air and dust was dislodged from the ground as the beetle hovered in midair.

"Fuck, that's not fair. I want to fly like a giant beetle too..." Naruto whined. At least he had nine tails to work with and more jinchuriki forms than his brethren.

He knew he was just overcompensating, though.

A giggling Fuu returned to normal, ecstatic at finally being able to transform like the other jinchuriki.

"I guess it's time for war, eh?" Naruto said, giving everyone a grim smile and dampening their happy mood.

"**Once more**," Kurama rumbled.

_Once more,_ Naruto agreed.

* * *

**Done. Minor War Arc next chapter, as well as Madara being unveiled. Sasuke and Itachi are still blowing Kabuto up, by the way.**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: I hit 200k views! Thanks guys! Give yourself a pat on the back for patting me on the back! This chapter was physically painful to write, though...  
**

* * *

Chapter Twenty-two: Shinobi Zombies

=Turtle Island=

The entire island was shaking. Many of the animals on the island had scurried into caverns that were deemed safe as the land began to slant up at an angle.

That particular action wasn't really annoying, but its consequences would be. If an essentially mobile landmass flipped over, there would be trouble.

It was a good thing the turtle was rather far from the mainland.

"Is this thing going to capsize?" Naruto shouted, his rigid body tilting at the same angle the land was at. Ah, the beauty of chakra. Adhesive feet were very useful.

"Hell no, fool!" Bee loudly replied. "This thing's buoyancy is a great tool!"

"I think the question you should be asking is why this thing is beginning the flip over!" Jiraiya said. The perverted sage began to run up the inclined land in an effort to not be crushed by the giant turtle when it completely turned over.

"You're working too hard," Fuu called out. "Work smarter, not harder!" The green-haired girl formed a familiar cross-fingered handseal. Three solid clones popped up, each donning three pairs of glowing green wings. "Hang on!" Fuu cried.

Each Fuu grabbed someone and flew up. They ended up leaving a rather indignant Jiraiya behind. The man pouted and began running at a breakneck pace up the rapidly flipping island.

Flying was much faster than running, however, and Jiraiya reached the four jinchuriki last. When the older man reached the edge of the turtle, it had begun completing its circuit. It only took a few seconds for the turtle to hit the ocean with its back, causing a massive spray of water to rise up from the water.

Naruto scanned the smooth, hard surface of the turtle's shell, looking for any disturbances. "What the hell caused this thing to turn around?" the blond asked. "It doesn't seem like this thing should be able to do that just to scratch some random itch."

"We're probably under attack," Yugito murmured, her eyes narrowing. "How did the enemy find this location? There's just three members of Akatsuki remaining..." She, along with the others, stared at Naruto meaningfully.

Said jinchuriki frowned. "I'm not sure. Kisame might have obtained the information from someone. Did we ever kill him?"

"I don't remember anything like that," Jiraiya said, rubbing his chin. Then he grinned at his godson. "Whenever you kill or convert an Akatsuki member you always brag about it. I haven't heard your annoying voice say anything about him yet, so it's safe to assume he's still alive."

Naruto nodded before punching his godfather in the arm. "That's for being a dick. My voice isn't annoying, man. At least I don't run around screaming about friends like an idealistic child no one wants to slap some sense into. What do you take me for, someone who doesn't want to face reality?"

Fuu gave him an odd stare. "Where did that come from?" she asked.

Naruto shrugged and then winced as a gurgling roar was emitted by the turtle. Something was definitely hurting it.

"What are you four doing up here? You should be hiding!" Yamato yelled, running up to them with an exasperated expression on his face.

"We're not about to sit around and watch shinobi throw their bodies into a meat grinder just so we won't be captured. We're strong in our own right. Besides, just what can Akatsuki come up with if most shinobi are fighting with us?" Yugito declared, glaring at the Wood Release-user.

A flapping noise reached Naruto's ears and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. Clones shot out of his body and grabbed everyone around him, forcing them away from the immediate vicinity.

There was a flash and a rolling bubble of heat, causing the turtle's shell to shake. There was a loud, irritated grunt from above that drew everyone's attention skyward.

"What the hell? Resurrection techniques again? I thought it was supposed to be a one-time thing." In the sky was an apparently healthy-looking Deidara on a clay owl. A hooded, robed figure was seated behind him.

The bird suddenly swerved to avoid a blast of fire from a floating Kurotsuchi. The hooded figure also jumped off in order to confront them... but Naruto wasn't paying attention to that. He was suddenly in the air, hanging on the increasingly flustered granddaughter of the Tsuchikage. She shoved him away with a grunt, sending him careening towards the island.

Naruto actually landed on the hooded figure, who was rushing towards Yamato and Jiraiya, both of which were beginning to weave handseals. The hooded figure groaned as Naruto jumped off of him and dusted himself off. "Sorry about that, creepy hooded dude. That wasn't my fault. Now, it's time to unmask the villain..."

Jiraiya shook his head and groaned loudly.

Naruto grabbed the hem of the hood and pulled. A pale, scaled face was revealed to the world. Jiraiya blanched at the visage. "Hey brat, this is Kabuto... what the hell happened to him? Did you take a bunch of snakeskin and glue it to your face or something?"

Yamato tilted his head. "He must be wearing some sort of contact lenses as well. I knew Orochimaru liked snakes, but Kabuto too?"

"He's probably going that far in order to please his dead master," Naruto chimed in, staring down at the glaring Kabuto.

There was a rush and Kabuto wriggled out of his robes, transforming into a snake and grabbing Yamato.

Well, he would have, had Naruto not put a boot seal on him. Deidara vanished shortly afterward, being forced to retreat to where his master was due to the way the resurrection jutsu worked.

"A boot seal? Where the hell did you send him?" Jiraiya asked, raising an eyebrow.

Naruto shrugged. "I sent him back to his original position several hours ago. I bet he's pissed off right now."

Yamato snorted. "I'd say..."

Elsewhere, Kabuto growled to himself. Tobi would let him remain in Akatsuki since he artificially gave the guy a Rinnegan eye, but it was still annoying that he had failed to obtain Yamato.

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling jinchuriki!"

**VvVvV**

=Sometime Later, Surprise Attack Division=

"I love your needles. Have I told you that? I think I have, but let me just say it again-"

Haku growled to herself. "Kankuro, please be quiet. It helps to quiet down in an ambush squad," she hissed.

The puppet-user blushed in embarrassment and rubbed his head sheepishly. They had already wrecked Akatsuki's own surprise corps. A resurrected Sasori, Deidara, and two random Leaf ninja neither of them had ever seen before were quickly dispatched thanks to the skills of Haku and Pakura.

Hanzo of the Salamander had been dispatched by Mifune with help from Yugito, who had arrived just in time to prevent the resurrected ninja from ripping the samurai leader to shreds.

She was very annoyed when everyone yelled at her for appearing without preamble. She was, after all, supposed to be in hiding... even if that was a blow to her pride as a ninja.

Pakura walked up to them and grunted. "I think we're done here. I find it strange that Sasori gave you his old puppets. At least he re-died happy." Well, as happy as a puppet can be. Technically, he _was_ a puppet.

Haku snorted and the Surprise Attack Division went onward to help out the Third Division, or the Short and Mid-Range Battle Division. They had been attacked by the resurrected Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, one of which struck a pang in Haku's chest.

**VvVvV**

=With the Third Division=

Kakashi had had enough of misty battlefields. In fact, he had had enough after fighting Zabuza. Or rather, almost fighting Zabuza. Naruto kind of laughed off everything even then when his body wasn't quite ready to obliterate everything.

Oh, how he would love Naruto's ability to obliterate stuff at will. In Kakashi's current situation, it would've been very helpful.

The man with gravity-defying hair avoided another slash from Zabuza's sword and backed up, ignoring the screams of his allies. He knew from experience that sharp, pointy swords were painful.

Having more than one sharp, pointy sword in the vicinity even moreso.

Although, Kakashi was confused as to how Zabuza got his sword. The sword was supposed to be in Kirigakure last time he checked. How the hell did it get back into Zabuza's hands? Wasn't it under lock and key?

The mist was suddenly dispersed and an angry Haku was in front of Kakashi. "Zabuza! What are you doing?" she cried, scowling at her former master.

The zombie Zabuza simply rushed forward in an attempt to bisect his former charge. Kakashi barely managed to grab Haku and jump out of the way. "Be careful!" Kakashi warned. "His personality was eradicated. All of the former Seven Swordsman of the Mist are being completely controlled by someone."

Haku frowned, but her features took on a determined look as she prepared herself to stop her former mentor from killing more of her allies. He had given her yet another chance at life and she wasn't about to let him run around as a zombie without any free will.

That would just be mean to a man who had loved the freedom of being a missing-nin.

Zabuza suddenly flew through handseals, causing a geyser to rocket up from the ground and head towards Kakashi. It never reached its target as it was frozen solid and sent flying back towards Zabuza. As if it was still a liquid, the ice writhed and wrapped around the former swordsman.

Kakashi took the opportunity to seal the man away.

Soon after, there were victorious cries from various areas as backup began to arrive. The removal of the mist had helped everyone out, enabling the rest of the swordsmen to be completely sealed away.

Pakura pretty much desiccated them all. Resurrecting body parts didn't help much when the body temperature was too high to move properly. All of them ended up as _puddles_ of ash until they were sealed thanks to the Sand kunoichi's efforts.

Yugito's fireballs contributed too. The heat was kind of unpleasant, however.

"Okay, scratch that," a voice said. Haku groaned to herself as Kankuro's grating voice rose above the cheering, "I like those high-temperature fireballs more than Haku's ice-cold needles."

"You know, I was the one who removed the mist and actually turned the tide of this battle," Haku growled out with a tinge of annoyance.

"Jealous?" Pakura quipped, grinning at the Ice Release-user and causing Yugito to chuckle lightly.

Haku's only response was to shove a rude hand gesture in Pakura's face before walking away.

**VvVvV**

=With the Fifth Division=

A bead of sweat ran down Hana Inuzuka's face. Her teeth were grit and the Haimaru Brothers were growling. Ino had a scowl on her face and Kiba was snarling at his opponent. Shino's face was expressionless, but his body was tense.

They couldn't defeat Kimimaro and Chiyo was too dangerous to approach with two random ninja bodies being animated by her chakra strings.

The Inuzuka attempting to subdue Kimimaro was akin to trying to scratch steel with a dull sword. His bone armor was too dense to pierce and even if their claws could do so, the Impure World Resurrection's properties would enable the Kaguya to regenerate over and over again.

Chiyo was dangerous too, but slightly less so. She had no poison to use, nor any sort of armor, but she could still regenerate. Her ability to manipulate puppets, whether they were alive or not, was nothing to scoff at either.

Ino was very apprehensive about using her family's jutsu as well. According to intelligence relayed from her dad, the ringleader of the reanimated ninja could eradicate their personality and turn them into mindless fighting machines. She had no intention of being within their minds if that particular ability was activated.

Chiyo sighed to herself unhappily. "Of course, I die in a meaningful sacrifice and I'm brought back to life to kill people. Why can't we old people just stay dead?"

"I'm actually enjoying this," Kimimaro commented. "No sickness, no coughing, unlimited chakra... It actually feels quite nice."

"Yeah, until your free will is removed," Chiyo snapped. "You youngsters always use forbidden jutsu without giving a damn about the consequencs."

"This isn't our fault!" Kiba cried indignantly.

Chiyo shrugged. "Meh, you're all young to me."

"Huh, you brats need some help?"

The small group of ninja from the Fifth Division stiffened as the odd, rumbling voice of Kakuzu reached them.

"K-Kakuzu?" Ino stuttered, staring fearfully at the ancient, active ninja.

The missing-nin from Waterfall shrugged. "Eh, I figured I might as well help you all fight zombies too. The more the merrier, right?"

Chiyo groaned. "Another one? Why can't you youngsters just grab a seal master and lock us away?"

Kakuzu glared at the woman, although it was difficult to see due to his mask. "Bitch, I was old when you were scraping shit off of the Hidden Sand's sidewalks!"

Kakuzu's back bulged and his masks quickly extracted themselves from his body. Each mask-thread-body-thing took on an odd form before shaking slightly and emitting an odd, rattling sound.

One of the masks was in the form of a bull. Another was in the form of something that was tall and vaguely humanoid. Another mask had a long body made up of thick threads. The final mask resembled a sort of fish, only it was using black thread to keep itself from completely contacting the ground.

"I still find that creepy," Kiba muttered. Akamaru barked his assent.

And then the masks all sent out a volley of jutsu. A dome of earth quickly rose up from the ground and prevented Chiyo or Kimimaro from escaping. Two masks combined their natures and released a combination of Fire Release and Wind Release jutsu, super-heating the inside of the dome to extremely high temperatures.

The fish-like thread monster sent out a large volume of water that quickly cooled the area down. Strong as the regenerating zombies were, extreme temperature fluctuations still had a decent effect on them.

Black threads quickly finished the job, rendering Lady Chiyo and Kimimaro sealed and removed from the battlefield.

"Huh, that wasn't so hard. You brats are getting weaker everyday," the man nonchalantly said as his masks reintegrated with his body.

Ino, Kiba, Hana, and Shino were too disgusted to make a retort.

**VvVvV**

=With the First Division=

The First Division had been easily dispatching most of their enemies, Zetsu and reanimated ninja alike.

Using certain ninja meant to prey on the emotions of Akatsuki's enemies would have been useful, but most ninja had already known about that, courtesy of the Intelligence Division.

Hiashi Hyuuga had soundly defeated his brother with the help of several other shinobi. A large majority had been defeated by the Third Hokage, who was made of tougher stuff, while Tsunade had defeated her deceased lover handily.

It was still emotionally draining for some, but the battle had been won with minimal casualties.

"Look sharp!" Darui called out. "These two guys over here are the famed Gold and Silver Brothers!"

Straight out of a history book were Ginkaku and Kinkaku, two Cloud ninja who had betrayed their country in an attempted coup against the Second Hokage and the Second Hokage.

What made that worse was that it was during peace talks as well. Oh well, it wasn't like there was any honor among shinobi.

Hiruzen grunted at the appearance of the legendary criminals. "Ginkaku and Kinkaku, the traitors of the Village Hidden in the Clouds, not to mention once-wanted for the attempted assassination of the Second Hokage."

Tsunade peered at the odd assortment of tools they were holding. "What are those two holding?" she asked.

Atsui and Samui, who were nearby, listened carefully to the Third Hokage's explanation. "Those are the rumored Treasured Tools of the ancient sage. They're all powerful in their own right and were possibly used by the Sage of the Six Paths himself."

"You got that right, old man," Ginkaku said, sneering at the contingent of ninja in front of him.

"What's going on here? Cloud working with the scum of the Leaf? What the hell has this world come to?" his brother asked.

"We might as well show them the error of their ways, eh Kinkaku?" the other one mused. In response, Kinkaku smirked.

Hiruzen sighed to himself. Fuck wars. He hated fighting insolent little upstarts, whether they were reincarnated or not. "Tsunade, Darui, with me. Everyone, be careful with the tools! Don't come into contact with the rope!"

The Third quickly explained the properties of the five tools while casually firing a barrage of fire and water jutsu at the Gold and Silver Brothers. There was a damned reason why he was known as the 'God of Ninja' and he was making sure the two brothers knew it.

"Well damn," Tsunade remarked. "This is going to be annoying. We can't say our favorite words if that rope hits us or we're going to be sucked into that pot."

"We'll deal some damage to you punks," Ginkaku declared, grinning evilly at the group of ninja. His brother swung the Banana Palm Fan once he had evaded the last of Hiruzen's jutsu, sending a large, roaring wall of fire at their enemies.

It was quenched by an even larger wave of water that Darui electrocuted, but the two brothers managed to evade the attacks.

"Hey, it's that pot and gourd!"

Everyone turned to the new voice and saw a stunningly beautiful redheaded woman with slitted, crimson eyes and a rather generous bosom. She was pointing at the two brothers, both of which looked very confused. "Err... who is she?" Ginkaku asked.

"No idea. She just popped out of thin air. I didn't see her before," Kinkaku replied.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Kurama, you're not supposed to be here..."

"Sorry, sorry!" the humanized Kyuubi said, not sounding very apologetic at all. "I felt some of my chakra and Naruto let come to investigate... and I see these two idiots. Damn, you two tasted like sweat. That was disgusting!" She shuddered briefly.

"As interesting to know as that is, we have to deal with these two," Darui explained.

"Be careful," Hiruzen warned. "Those tools-"

He was interrupted by a loud snort from Kurama, who then broke down laughing. "You're kidding me, right? I was raised by the old sage! He used to feed the Tailed Beasts with those things!"

Everyone started at that bit of information. It was pretty random. The Sage of the Six Paths fed the Tailed Beasts using those tools? Why were they so feared, then?

Seeing everyone's questioning look (including the Gold and Silver Brothers'), Kurama elaborated. "The rope grabs chakra, the sword splits it into physical and spiritual halves, each of which go into the pot and gourd, respectively." She said it like it wasn't a big deal at all.

"What about the fan?" Kinkaku asked, finding the bit of odd information to be rather intriguing.

"Fan was used to heat stuff, cool it down, or stop the weather from annoying us. Babies are pretty grouchy and uncomfortable most of the time, you know?"

Quite a few of the ninja on the battlefield, in fact, did not know. Hiruzen however, did, and gave an affirmative grunt.

"Oh, and I want my chakra back, please!" Kurama chirped. Her form was quickly wrapped in what could be interpreted as evil, disgusting-feeling chakra, and the Tailed Beast rushed forward in a flash of glowing red chakra.

A set of claws pierced Ginkaku first, sucking away the demonic chakra integrated within the man before a series of chakra appendages snatched up the tools from him.

Kinkaku attempted to resist, but trying to use the chakra of a Tailed Beast against itself was a bad idea. Kurama took her chakra back from the other brother as well before sealing them away in the pot.

"This feels too easy," Hiruzen remarked, watching as Kurama gave the allies a bow before vanishing in a puff of red smoke.

"Eh, you take what you can get," Tsunade said.

**VvVvV**

=With the Fourth Division=

"This is so troublesome," Shikamaru groaned out, watching as Gaara, a newly-arrived Jiraiya, and Onoki, amongst other allied ninja, fought four resurrected Kage.

Temari growled to herself as she tensed her body. "How the hell did this guy even get the DNA of those Kage? Some of them have been dead for a while!"

"Hair, maybe bone?" Chouji offered tersely, watching as the resurrected Raikage suddenly veered away from an attacking Jiraiya and sped towards the defending ninjas.

"We're so fucked." Tayuya, who was nearby, couldn't really do anything as the Third Raikage sped towards her. There were too many people around her to utilize her more powerful illusions. Why couldn't everyone around her have been deaf? It would've shut the Nara up, at least.

Actually, he probably would've found a way to loudly complain with sign language.

A wall of earth rose up from the ground, followed by a shining sheet of crystal. Too bad the Third Raikage's fingers were powerful enough to pierce the defensive block.

Ordinarily, innuendos would've been spouted, but the situation was too dire for that sort of thing.

The wall exploded, resulting in many ninja being sent flying off of their feet. The Third Raikage stared impassively at his enemies. "Like I said, we're fucked..." Tayuya grit out, pushing herself off of the ground and dusting her body off. She was covered in cuts and scrapes, but was otherwise fine. Most of the other ninja were fine too, except for the ones who had been in the immediate vicinity of the defensive wall.

"Oh no, I'm not doing that to everyone here," someone said.

"Naruto!" Tayuya blurted, her eyes wide in surprise. The blond approached her with one of his infuriating grins.

He winced as Tayuya slugged him in the arm. "Hey! What was that for?" he indignantly said.

"You shithead! We're fighting here to protect you and the other fucking jinchuriki and then you end up coming here anyway?"

Naruto pouted petulantly. "I thought you guys would like the help... I see Gaara's got the Kazekage down, but the Raikage, Mizukage, and that other Tsuchikage seem to be annoying you guys.

"Yes, they're annoying us," Temari dryly said. "If you count 'repeatedly killing countless ninja' as annoying us, then yes, they most definitely are annoying us."

Naruto shrugged. "Might as well help you all out. The other jinchuriki are running with clones to help out anyone who needs help."

"I'm surprised your real self is here," Tayuya remarked.

Naruto shrugged in reply. The other jinchuriki had his father's three-pronged kunai with them. If they needed help, he'd be there in a flash.

Although, he felt as if it would be an insult to some of the kunoichi if he saved them over and over again... He was sure some of them wanted to use their own skills.

The Third Raikage interrupted their conversation, causing Tayuya and Temari to jump back in preparation for an attack. Shikamaru tried to restrain the burly man with his shadow, but it proved futile due to the Third Raikage's immense strength.

So Naruto punched him. The man was sent flying backward into the air, where a clone of the blond jinchuriki formed and kicked down into the ground. "I love Sage Mode so much," Naruto said, grinning widely.

"Be careful! None of our attacks can pierce his skin!" Shikamaru warned.

In his nonchalant manner, Naruto scoffed. "As fun as it is fighting Kage-level shinobi over and over again, the reason why no one could punch through his armor was because no one had a powerful enough Lightning Release technique. Thank you Bee, for that piece of information."

A loud, screeching noise emanated from Naruto's right hand, signaling the creation of a Rasengan. Electricity began to course through it as Naruto turned the attack into spiraling drill rather than a sphere. A golden cloak surrounded his body and he vanished, appearing right in front of the surprised Raikage.

The drill pierced the man's Lightning Armor, as well as his skin. Naruto used his free hand to form one-handed seals and cover the man in thick ice. With a grunt, the Third Raikage was sealed away.

"You know, at this point, what exactly is your definition of 'challenge', Naruto?" Shikamaru tiredly asked.

"Tailed Beasts. Maybe even Nagato if he hadn't ever been crippled. I kind of passed the point of no return ages ago. I'm not quite so sure myself, to be honest." The blond scratched his head sheepishly.

A large explosion caused everyone to cringe. The Second Mizukage had used some sort of clone to set off a series of repeating explosions. Naruto exchanged a significant glance with Tayuya, who merely muttered under her breath as the blond vanished in a burst of speed.

In the rocky battlefield, Gaara was struggling to contain the Second Mizukage's continuous explosions. They were incredibly difficult to constantly defend against and the death toll was beginning to rise. "Naruto!" Gaara yelled as the blond appeared next to him on the sandy ground, "Why are you-"

"I wanted to help, blah blah blah," Naruto interrupted, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, why does everyone ask that? I'm the god damned Hokage! Did you seriously expect me to just let everyone kill themselves over an issue that I could easily solve?"

Gaara shook his head in irritation, gritting his teeth as another explosion ripped through the landscape. "This guy uses oil to heat up the water in the clone's body! Once the pressure reaches a dangerous point, the clone explodes and then returns to its normal size to begin the process again!"

"So then find a way to cool him down," Naruto suggested.

"Actually," Onoki said, panting slightly as he dropped down next to the two ninja, "We were hoping you could contain the explosions."

"I can try," Naruto slowly said. Gaara and Onoki stared at each other before bursting out into laughter. "Hey! I'm serious! Pressurized explosions are difficult to stop!"

"You say that cooling the water down will stop it from turning into steam and causing a pressurized explosion? You have Ice Release..."

"Aren't older people supposed to take care of younger people?" Naruto muttered. He clapped his hands together and forced his chakra into the air.

Through sheer force of will, the immense amount of chakra he had jettisoned into the air was converted into a massive amount of water molecules. It garnered attention from most of the ninja, as well as the resurrected Muu and Second Mizukage.

"I know there's a really bad pun regarding temperature here," Naruto began, "But I'd rather you just stop exploding. That's not cool."

The water molecules were bonded to the Mizukage's clone and their kinetic energy was reduced, resulting in the pressurized clone failing to explode. With the coast clear for the moment, Gaara was finally able to shower the Mizukage with sand.

"One more left," Naruto declared, peering around the battlefield.

Jiraiya, who had just landed next to Naruto after jumping away from his previous position, frowned. "Muu was sealed away. Who else is remaining? All we saw were the four resurrected Kage. They were a pain in the ass to fight, by the way."

Naruto stiffened as another chakra signature made itself known, his bar-pupil-eyes narrowing. "What the...? I think Muu just reverse summoned something. We didn't completely seal him away. Look up there." The blond pointed up to a nearby hill.

Muu popped out, appearing smug despite the amount of bandages obscuring his expression. He was followed by a man with long, black hair...

"I don't believe it..." Onoki said in a strangled whisper.

"I have no idea who that is," Naruto whispered back. "He looks like an Uchiha since they all have black hair like that, but that armor looks really old fashioned."

"You idiot!" Jiraiya growled. "That's Madara Uchiha! He's the damned boogeyman of the Leaf! Damn, why didn't I stay with the Mizukage?"

There was a snap. "I knew I was forgetting someone important." Then he swore. "I owe Kurama some chocolate now." Naruto sighed to himself.

Sometimes he had the worst luck ever. That wasn't fair! It wasn't his fault Kurama had fought Madara before! Naruto hadn't ever encountered the man...

"Well, I guess you were right Naruto," Gaara said in a monotone voice. "Tobi wasn't Madara after all."

The Madara glared balefully over the shinobi. "I'm surprised the nations are fighting alongside each other instead of against each other. Regardless, humanity will benefit from sleeping under an infinite Tsukuyomi."

Madara flipped through some seals and slammed his hands into the ground. Every ninja in the battlefield tensed... except for Naruto...

And then nothing happened.

Madara nodded as Muu muttered something in his ear. "So the Kyuubi is sealed inside you," he said to Naruto.

The blond shook his head. "Actually, she's not with me at the moment." In a manner of speaking, of course.

The Uchiha blinked and then furrowed his brow. "How does that work? I have a summoning contract with the Kyuubi... unless it was already sealed by the statue?"

"Nope. You're summoning the wrong Kyuubi," the blond replied.

The Uchiha's almost impassive facade broke down and he rubbed the back of his head confusedly. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about anymore. The Kyuubi isn't sealed in you, nor is it sealed in the statue..."

"I told you, wrong Kyuubi."

"There's only one Kyuubi!" Madara exclaimed, showing more emotion than he was supposed to. Muu was just looking at him with an amused expression... not that anyone could see it.

"True," Naruto agreed, "But due to a technicality, the one you have a contract with isn't here. The one that _is_ here is currently asleep after gorging on... food that she wasn't supposed to eat."

The traitorous Uchiha was very befuddled. Wait, _she_? The Kyuubi had a gender? How the hell could a mass of sentient chakra have a gender? "You know what, I think I'll just start attacking," Madara said.

"Suit yourself," Naruto replied, not really caring nor knowing just how powerful this incarnation of Madara truly was.

Madara Uchiha began to flip through handseals as the sun sank behind him.

**VvVvV**

=With the Second Division=

The army of white Zetsu had been successfully destroyed and the reincarnated ninja sealed away for good. Sure, many nameless, unnecessary, and ultimately forgetful ninja died, but at least the worst had passed.

They weren't doing too badly and as night fell, many ninja wanted to rest their weary bodies and restock their weapons. Unfortunately, that wasn't going to happen because Tobi didn't want the Allied Shinobi Forces to grow strong enough to seek him out. He still needed the four remaining Tailed Beasts, after all.

So that's why he appeared in the middle of the Second Division's camp, surprising every ninja in the vicinity. He clapped his hands together and yelled out, "I choose you, Demonic Statue of the Outer Path!"

A giant, twisted-looking statue spontaneously appeared before its summoner vanished in a vortex of chakra amid frightened screams. Immediately, the statue began stomping about, crushing and destroying anyone and anything within its walking distance.

Kitsuchi used a jutsu that caused two building-sized slabs of earth to rise from the ground and slam into the statue, one slab coming in from the right and the other rising from the left. The technique was handily stopped by... the statue's arms. Sorry, no lasers or explosions, and definitely no fancy jutsu.

Brute strength works too, even if it was boring most of the time.

The statue was about to stop on an injured Karui before a large ball of tightly condensed, black chakra smacked into it. The attack forced the statue backward and, once it was a safe distance away, exploded viciously, bathing its surroundings in light.

Karui, along with Hinata, who was helping her up, gaped at the brilliant, miniature sun in front of them. The somehow pained roaring of the statue was kind of distracting, but they backed away nonetheless.

"Look over there!" a nameless ninja said.

A giant beetle with three pairs of buzzing wings and a long, whip-like tail fired another condensed, boiling ball of doom at the somehow enraged statue. This time, the resulting explosion dispelled the thing, sending it back to wherever Tobi had summoned it from.

The Nanabi lost its form and Fuu appeared, panting slightly from the exertion of maintaining her Tailed Beast Mode. It was only her one of her first few times using it, so she couldn't use it as long as her fellow jinchuriki could.

After some more nonsensical whining about how Fuu should've been hiding out (it was really getting annoying), the ninja accepted her presence and graciously thanked for smiting that evil statue of doom.

"Where's Naruto, by the way?" Karui asked.

"He's..." Fuu stopped and frowned. "I think he went to help out Gaara and the pervert."

"What about the other jinchuriki?" Kurotsuchi asked, joining the conversation.

"Yugito and Naruto went to help out the other Divisions while Bee's heading to where Tobi is supposed to be hiding," the green-haired jinchuriki explained.

"Is that really a good idea?" Karui deadpanned, giving Fuu a dry look. Bee-sensei could be a complete idiot at times, not to mention he had the ridiculous habit of not taking anything seriously at all.

"We have Flying Thunder God kunai with us, so if there's any trouble Naruto can help."

Kurotsuchi was about to respond, when a commotion broke out nearby. Apparently one of the allied shinobi was attacking another shinobi, much to everyone's confusion.

When the attacker was killed in retaliation, everyone found that his body had turned into a strange white substance with a bark-like texture.

"So... does this mean we should get Naruto to help us?" The sun was sinking and Fuu had no desire to be attacked while trying to sleep.

Neji being unable to reach Hinata as three allied shinobi swung at her with swords made the decision for them.

**VvVvV**

=With Sasuke, Itachi, and Konan=

"So you're saying that Kabuto is near here?" Sasuke asked, gesturing over to a mountain of nearby rock.

Itachi scanned the area with his Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan before nodding slightly. "I can confirm that there are chakra traces around this area."

Konan's body was made up of shifting paper just in case there was an attack. Even if there wasn't an ambush, having control over exploding tags helped. Whoever said being a lover of flashy explosions was limited to just males? "Do you need help in getting inside?"

Sasuke shook his head, flashing the blue-haired kunoichi a smile. It faltered when she didn't return it. She was still somewhat frigid to most people. "Don't worry. Our eyes can do the trick. After all, what other family has such an overpowered bloodline? And don't say Rinnegan. That's just Nagato."

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Come on, little brother. Blow up the little wall so we can get on with our little assassination and kill little Kabuto."

The younger Uchiha glared at the older one for a moment before saluting Konan and activating his own eyes. Konan's body broke apart into countless pieces of paper, all of which were scattered by the wind, signaling her complete departure.

She returned to where the Intelligence Division was situated, which was where Nagato and some other ninja were currently at.

The skeletal, ethereal armor of Susanoo appeared around both brothers. The armors reared back and slammed their respective fists into the stone wall, destroying it and turning it into rubble immediately.

Kabuto looked up from where he was sitting and grinned evilly at the two Uchiha brothers. "My, my... two Uchiha all for little old me?"

"Spare us the groveling before you die," Itachi evenly replied. "I'd rather not have to listen to someone's life story before we kill them. We _do_ have a schedule to keep, after all."

Kabuto simply stared at him, completely confused as to what Itachi was getting at.

* * *

**Tobi was... amusing, I guess, when his backstory was revealed. Even if it makes no feasible sense...**

**If there are any contradictions or errors, let me know please.**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Another day, another chapter. This is the final chapter (maybe)!  
**

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Three: Dawn of a New Day

=With the Fourth Division=

"Fire Release: Great Fire Annihilation!"

Madara exhaled an extremely large, fast-moving wall of intense fire that scorched the ground as it advanced. The flames spread quickly and many ninja noted that the fire was blackening the earth.

"Hang on, let me handle this," Naruto shouted, shocking many of the allied ninja. After all, Madara Uchiha was a fairy tail that had the power of gods... or something like that. Basically, he was the boogeyman of the ninja world.

Naruto wasn't that well-known yet. Sure, he was pretty goofy and nonchalant, but not particularly recognized for his immense power. What, did he have to become a missing-nin to become recognized? He was never one for waiting, after all.

The blond thrust his hands out, a grin on his face. He was concentrating too, but he was also relishing the thought of a challenge. Being overpowered was boring.

Madara's technique abruptly ended as the oxygen needed to sustain the burning flames vanished. As quick as it had come, the Uchiha's attack had ended.

"All right, that's one," Naruto yelled out to the resurrected Uchiha. "What else can you do?"

Madara sighed to himself. "Well, I'm not really impressed considering that was one of my weaker attacks..."

"You too?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow. Tayuya and Temari, both of which were nearby, stared at him. "I've been spamming low-powered techniques everywhere and they always get the job done."

"Shut up, Shithead!" Tayuya grit out. "You fire Tailed Beast Bombs whenever you're bored! Fucking dumbass!"

Naruto blinked rapidly for a moment. "Oh, right. I keep forgetting about that..." He shook his head ruefully for a moment. "Oh well. It's my turn now, I guess."

The blond inhaled deeply before exhaling in a rush. A twisting vortex of wind erupted from his mouth, drawing in anything that was nearby and rushing towards Madara.

Both of Naruto's hands went through one-handed seals before ending on a half-ram seal. There was a loud, horrific grinding noise as the earth was rent and splintered, sending a rush of giant debris towards Madara.

Some debris was sucked up by the vortex of wind still being blown out of Naruto's mouth, resulting in what looked like a horizontal, rocky hurricane. The sheer scale of his attacks astounded the allied ninja in the area.

The ones who were closer to him were even more surprised that he knew such a high-level Earth Release technique despite it not being one of his affinities.

A malicious feeling erupted from Madara's general location and a skeletal, luminescent being appeared above him. Susanoo took the brunt of the attacks, but Madara was rather surprised to see the armor being torn off by high-speed chunks of stone.

Some allied ninja attempted to fire their own techniques at the undead Uchiha, but the Susanoo was able to snatch and crush any nearby stragglers. The armor itself looked somewhat damaged, however.

"So is it my turn now?" Madara asked politely, the Susanoo around his body awaiting further commands.

"What the fuck is this, Rock-Paper-Scissors?" Tayuya said, glaring at the zombified Madara.

Madara simply shrugged and then fired off the black flames of Amaterasu from the Susanoo's hollow eyes. The intense flames nearly incinerated some of the allied shinobi, but they were sucked away before they could make contact.

Seals with a spiral symbol appeared on the ground, devouring the black flames like a child would eat a peanut butter cup. The seals shined a bright blue before fading, although the spiral remained visible on the rock.

"So you really are an Uzumaki?"

Naruto nodded. "Of course I am. What, the seals don't make it obvious enough? Or should I scream it from the tops of the rocky spires littering this area?"

"No need to get snippy," Madara dryly said. "You know, I would be insulting you, but I'm fairly sure some Uzumaki woman would be raised from the dead with a frying pan in hand."

"Does this have anything to do with anything happening at all?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow. Although a lot of his allies were still tense, they were obviously confounded by how Madara was acting.

"Yeah, that sounds like most of them," Naruto confirmed, nodding to himself. "Too many verbal ticks, you know?"

Madara's eyes widened and he gave Naruto a hateful glare. "Do me a favor and never ever say that again," he demanded. "I've had enough horrible experiences with Uzumaki clansmen and their beer bottles."

Naruto burst out laughing. He knew just what Madara was talking about.

"In any case, I feel like you deserve this incredibly dick-ish move because you reminded me of a horrible, traumatic experience with a redheaded woman, a verbal tick, and a frying pan," Madara stated.

His eyes morphed into the concentric rings of the Rinnegan, causing Naruto to gawp. He raised his hand to the sky, giving his enemies a disdainful smirk as he did so.

Naruto looked up and so a gigantic meteor heading towards the rocky ground. Oh, he could stop it... but the techniques he would use to stop that giant rock were sort of... dangerous.

If he blew the meteorite up, the chunks of falling rock would flatten everyone in the vicinity. As amusing as that would be, Naruto had no intention of causing that many casualties.

So that left a large problem in the form of the meteorite's impending collision with the ground. Although, that made him wonder just where the hell he got the rock in the first place.

You'd think something that gigantic would've been visible earlier on, especially if it was just floating near the atmosphere of whatever planet they were on.

_Damn it, at least follow some rules of reality_, Naruto thought with a frown. _Seriously, not even ninja can travel at the speed of light!_

The Flying Thunder God technique did not count. That functioned via space-time manipulation. The Sage of the Six Paths didn't do anything regarding space-time manipulation... although he did manipulate gravity.

Enough gravity meant that time and space could be distorted...

Naruto shook his head, figuring out what he wanted to do. He could've reversed the gravitational output, but that was overuse of one technique. Instead, he just decided to seal the meteorite away.

That day – or perhaps night; Naruto had lost track of time – all of the present ninja had watched their impending doom get sucked into a blond teenager many times smaller than it.

Madara watched as Naruto touched down onto solid ground. The blond had that infuriating grin all Uzumaki were born with. "Well, that was anti-climactic," Uchiha noted.

His enemy nodded in agreement. That had indeed been a boring way to remove a giant object of nearly insurmountable size. "Well, I'm a seal master, so I might as well use them. By the way, fetch."

Naruto unsealed the giant meteorite, causing it to fly towards the rather annoyed Madara. It had kept its speed and bowled both Madara and Muu over.

Gaara took his chance and sealed Muu away, effectively cutting Kabuto's meddling out of this particular battle.

Madara simply reformed, frowning deeply. "That was still anti-climactic," he said.

"I bowled you over with your own meteorite!"

"Well yes, but I regenerated. See, because I'm still here, your technique doesn't count," the resurrected Uchiha insisted. He clapped his hands together, causing trees and branches to wrench themselves out of the rocky ground and rush towards his enemies.

Madara figured that screaming "Wood Release Secret Technique: Nativity of a World of Trees" would take too long. The Kyuubi jinchuriki did seem to have a propensity for not announcing the names of his attacks.

Naruto countered the mass of photosynthetic, probably-artificial organisms by sending a wave of extremely cold ice at them. Their advances were halted and the iced-over plants were shattered by a volley of lightning bolts that came shortly afterward.

"So, aren't you surprised that I can do Wood Release?" Madara asked, eying Naruto carefully.

The blond shrugged. "At this point, probably not."

He couldn't help it; his jaw dropped. "Are you serious? I was sure someone would've been screaming "that's complete bullshit" at this point," Madara said.

"We might have, but you're apparently the boogeyman of the ninja world, so I guess anything you do isn't too surprising. People are assuming the worst, I guess," Naruto diplomatically replied.

Madara rubbed his chin in thought. "Maybe it's because of the Rinnegan?"

"That _is_ supposed to be a myth, even though we've got one in reserve," Naruto admitted.

Madara's eyes snapped onto Naruto's form. "What? Nagato betrayed us?"

"Wasn't that mentioned?"

"No, it wasn't..." Madara said with a frown.

"I see..." Four shadow clones appeared next to Naruto, each of which was staring straight at Madara. "Let's make this a bit more interesting, eh?" Each clone suddenly donned a chakra cloak and began to spin up a Rasengan in both of their hands.

Madara rolled his eyes, not very concerned about the multitude of spiraling spheres. Each clone vanished and reappeared surrounding Madara, the blue, screeching spheres they held beginning to grow rapidly.

In a second, there were several extremely large spheres of doom aimed at Madara. "You do realize I have the Rinnegan, correct?" Madara said, sounding bored.

"Of course I do. That's why you're going to go boom," Naruto replied with a cheeky grin. Each giant Rasengan was smashed into the ground, resulting in an extremely large explosion that littered the area with debris. The dust cloud was rapidly dispersed by Madara's chakra.

"I'm surprised no one is attempting to seal me away," Madara commented, his body regenerating from the damage the flying debris had caused him.

"I'm pretty sure you've got enough tricks up your sleeve," Naruto said. He paused for a moment as Inoichi's voice echoed in his head. Apparently, there was trouble going on with Zetsu clones. "I'd love to continue this battle, but I have somewhere I need to be. Hang on for a moment, if you would?"

Again, the resurrected Uchiha nodded politely. Naruto vanished in a flash; he reappeared a few seconds later with Mei Terumi, Hiruzen Sarutobi, Tsunade Senju, the Raikage, and Nagato. "Don't forget to seal him!" Naruto commanded. He vanished in another flash.

Madara eyed Nagato doubtfully. "I see my eyes are still working well," he finally muttered. "Although I'm not really keen on fighting an ugly Senju woman and an old man who believes in ugly Senju ideals."

Hiruzen frowned at Madara. "You sound like a poor sport," he said.

"Hardly," Madara replied. "I'm just smart enough to realize that the world is too corrupted to place faith in."

Jiraiya joined his teammate and sensei, and then snorted. "You're kidding me, right? You're working with a man who wants to captivate the entire world with an unlimited genjutsu."

"I'd like to beat this ancient Madara," Nagato said, joining the conversation. "It would be interesting to see how we all fare against him."

The allied shinobi forces had already begun to retreat, realizing just when they were all outmatched. Numbers never meant anything anyway. That was why shadow clones were almost always destined to fail, unfortunately.

Madara stared at the S-rank shinobi standing against him. Onoki, Tsunade, Hiruzen, Jiraiya, Mei, Gaara, A, and Nagato were all glaring at him.

The Uchiha sighed. "Well, let's get this over with."

**VvVvV**

=Second Division Troubles=

Hinata stumbled back as three nameless shinobi swung at her with swords. They all had sneers and wicked grins on their faces. The swords were about the make contact and-

-Were promptly batted away by a bored-looking Naruto. "You know, do me a favor a throw the kunai at the enemies next time," he said, scowling slightly at Fuu.

The green-haired girl blushed. "Heh, sorry. I just threw it since no one knew what was going on."

"You're lucky I can figure out what's going on with my amazing abilities," Naruto said, his scowl twisting into a cheerful grin.

"T-This is nice and all, but can you help us out?" Hinata quietly said, still lying on the ground as the nameless shinobi growled.

"Oh right," Naruto said. There was a burst of smoke and several hundred Naruto clones appeared, all clad in golden armor. "Go fetch!"

They all vanished and sounds of screaming echoed throughout the area. Any allied ninja that was really a Zetsu clone was obliterated rather handily.

Karui walked up to Naruto frowning at the oddly small amount of destruction occurring in his presence. "You know, I think this doesn't suit you," she commented.

Naruto gave her an incredulous look. "How does this not suit me? Look over there! Two of my clones are ripping apart a Zetsu's arms!"

Yes, two of Naruto's clones had systematically torn apart a Zetsu's limbs. There was no blood since the thing was more plant than man, so no one was completely and utterly scarred for life.

"I thought you were helping out the Fourth Division," Fuu said, walking over to where Naruto was.

The blond shrugged. "I was, but Madara Uchiha-" Naruto studiously ignored the strangled gasps of various ninja, "-was resurrected and then I ditched him. I left a bunch of super-powerful ninja to deal with him."

"I... suppose that's helpful." The green-haired girl furrowed her brow. "Now what? Bee's already heading to fight the masked man!"

"Tobi?" Karui asked. "I have a bad feeling Bee-sensei is in over his head."

"Not to worry, we're heading there now since this place is pretty much locked down," Naruto declared. "So Fuu, grab a hold of me so we can get to Yugito and help Bee."

Karui gave him a dry expression and pointed behind him.

Naruto blinked and turned around, looking at a nervous Hinata who was poking her index fingers together. "Yes, Hinata? You look like you have some angst and drama to get off your rather sizable chest."

Hinata blushed at that comment, but swallowed and began to speak. "N-Naruto-kun, I'd just like to say that-"

"You love me?" Naruto interrupted, still staring at her with an eerie, emotionless gaze.

The pale-eyed girl opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to formulate a response.

"Care to explain why you love me, or anything of that sort?"

"Well, you've never given up, you're very strong, and you never give up on your word-" Fuu and Karui snorted at that, "-and even though you've had a harsh life, you never let that get to you! Yes Naruto-kun, I love you..."

Her face looked like it was on fire and she ducked her head to avoid any intense scrutiny.

Nearby, Kiba leaned over to Shino and whispered, "You owe me money bitch," much to the bug-user's supreme annoyance.

Naruto stared at her bowed head for a few seconds. He reached out and cupped her chin, gently bringing her face up so that their eyes could meet. However, Hinata seemed intent on avoiding his piercing eyes.

"Hinata, look at me. Hinata!" Naruto's voice was demanding, but not overly harsh.

The pale-eyed Hyuuga heiress finally met his gaze, although the pink tinge on her cheeks remained. "How old are you, Hinata?"

The first thought that went through Hinata's head was that Naruto liked older women more... but that was silly, considering the random amount of girls that had bunked in his house every time they visited.

"I-I'm sixteen," she murmured.

"All right. So we've established that you're technically a teenager even though being a shinobi apparently legally makes you an adult. Do you honestly believe your infatuation with me will remain so for your entire life?"

Hinata blinked, startled at Naruto's words. "W-What?"

"You heard me. Love is the most irrational, illogical thing ever. It might always remain, it might not. People grow and change throughout their lives, and how they do so is based on their experiences. Do you really think you're going to remain attracted to me?"

"What about those other kunoichi? There are so many you-"

"-Love?" Naruto interrupted, rolling his eyes. "I _like_ most of them, but honestly, I'm not about to enter an actual, romantic relationship with that many kunoichi. That's fucking impossible; what am I going to do? Buy them all flowers every day? I'm rich as fuck, yes, but that's overdose."

Hinata giggled despite the situation. Her eyes were getting watery, too.

Naruto shook his head at the pointed looks Fuu and Karui were giving him. "Look, my point is, people will always be changing. That's why shinobi are so versatile; we can adapt to many situations. You might still be infatuated with me throughout your life and you might not."

"So you don't like me and now you're going to expect me to break down like the timid girl I'm supposed to portray?" Hinata asked in a quiet, blunt voice.

"Pretty much, yeah. It's not as if I've secretly loved you my entire life and only now that this confrontation has happened is when our special relationship can start. But please, break the stereotype. If you really loved me you'd be happy for me no matter what. Otherwise, you're just being a classic, jealous girl and I'm sure that's been done often enough," Naruto replied, again rolling his eyes.

"Besides, I'm from an alternate timeline. I know no one usually believes that, but it's true. In my actual home, you never really liked me. You admired me, yes, but you were more of a go-getter. I forget who you ended up with, though."

Hinata blinked. "What? W-What are you talking about?"

"Never mind. Anyway, now that I don't feel like a complete dick anymore since you're not a crying timid girl and we've successfully moved past this dramatic tension, it's time for Fuu and I to get going."

"The so-called 'Madara', right?" Karui asked, finally deciding that entering the conversation was safe since the apparent issue was resolved.

Naruto nodded in response. "Yeah. Fuu, let's go! Time to get Yugito and obliterate that masked man!" Fuu pumped a fist in the air, which was grabbed by Naruto, and then the two vanished in a flash.

Hinata stared at the spot they had been on before sighing unhappily. "I still don't know why he went after my _sister_ rather than me. My breasts are bigger than hers!"

Karui smirked at that fact. "Naruto doesn't discriminate. Besides, he told me that your sister didn't exist in his own timeline."

"I don't believe that."

The redhead shrugged. "Eh, suit yourself."

**VvVvV**

=Some Random Cave or Whatever=

Itachi and Sasuke scowled at the hooded Kabuto. "Well, well, well... two Uchiha here just for me? I'm going to-"

"-Please don't say anything regarding our eyes," Sasuke said, cutting Kabuto off. "Seriously, it was annoying enough after staying with Orochimaru for two-something years."

Kabuto frowned. "Every villain has to have some sort of phrase before the battle actually starts."

"That doesn't mean you have to take Orochimaru's," Itachi stated.

"Whatever," Kabuto muttered. He threw his arms out, sending four giant snakes that somehow fit into his sleeves straight at the two Uchiha brothers.

Susanoo armors materialized around both brothers and grabbed the snakes, crushing them and casting away the bleeding bodies. In that amount of time, Kabuto had vanished, leaving behind his cloak, as well as several pieces of snakeskin.

"I can't tell where he went," Sasuke said.

"I can see the chakra, but he's masking his location. Smart, although I shouldn't be surprised considering how slippery he is. I still find myself wondering how he remained a spy in the Hidden Leaf for so long," Itachi remarked.

"Think later, fight now!" Sasuke yelled. The skeletal being around him drew a bow and fired it straight where he thought he saw some movement. The arrow blew the rock up, revealing yet another piece of snakeskin. "This is fairly annoying."

Fortunately, they didn't have to keep looking as Kabuto burst out from where he was hiding. His scaly chest was bare for all to see and he was only wearing pants. There was a snake attached to his body and horns protruding from his head.

"...What the fuck?" Sasuke dumbly said, staring at the horns. "Snakes don't have horns..."

"That's because I'm a dragon!" Kabuto screamed madly.

Sasuke and Itachi exchanged dry glances. "Please tell me this is a sad attempt at humor," Itachi said.

Kabuto exhaled some dragon-like thing that stunned both Sasuke and Itachi, but the two brothers were able to evade Kabuto's attacks regardless making such an attack completely irrelevant. The only relevant techniques were Sharingan techniques.

"So, how are we going to do this?" Sasuke asked, again surrounded by his Susanoo armor.

How were eyes supposed to generate super-defensive, glowing, skeletal armor again?

"Amaterasu," Itachi blandly replied. Black fire was shot from his eyes at the slithering Kabuto, who evaded part of it... but because there were two Amaterasu users and not really a need to drag on a rather unnecessary battle, the battlefield ended up turning into a raging torrent of black flames.

"Do you think that got him?" Sasuke asked, blinking rapidly to get water back into his eyes.

"Amaterasu incinerates everything," Itachi affirmed, confident in the attack. It wasn't as destructive as Naruto's choice of obliteration, but it worked when he needed it.

Kabuto suddenly burst from the flames, his body badly charred, but otherwise having no black flames of doom on it. "You can't kill me yet! I need to tell you why I'm like this and why my life is so bad with a series of useless flashbacks that don't really need to exist!"

Sasuke and Itachi were about to spam Amaterasu again, but Kabuto waved his hands in a placating manner. "W-Wait! What about the Impure World Reincarnation? You need me alive to remove it because it's the perfect god-mode jutsu ever!"

"Actually, all of the shinobi are pretty much sealed away except for the resurrected Madara and possibly the resurrected jinchuriki, but Naruto can handle those," Itachi informed. Then he paused, seemingly considering what he had just said. "Don't ask how I know that," he added.

"So essentially, you don't need me for anything? Not even an interesting tale about my past?"

"Not really, no," Sasuke dryly replied. Itachi nodded in agreement. Kabuto was incinerated by Amaterasu spam before he could make a break for it. "So, now what?" Sasuke asked, turning to his brother after putting out the undying flames.

Itachi suddenly fixed Sasuke with a very strange look. "For some reason, I feel like there's something I'm supposed to say and do that would make fangirls everywhere squeal and gush in joy."

"Oh god please no," Sasuke responded, shuddering slightly. "Our relationship is one that is familial and platonic despite the fact that you murdered our entire clan in order to stop a civil war and subsequent bloodbath. Anything else is an abomination of nature."

His brother tilted his head. "Didn't mom raise you to be tolerant of others?"

"I meant the familial thing, asshole," Sasuke snapped. "I also feel like we're missing three important characters that were going to play a role in this situation."

Itachi glared at his younger brother. "You're not going to revive Orochimaru, are you?"

There was a long silence before Sasuke burst out laughing. "How the hell would I do that? Even if I could do that, what do you take me for? Someone who has no common sense and needs too much confirmation about an event that you could tell me about?"

"Well, there _was_ always that chance..."

"Screw you, Itachi."

He made a shushing noise. "The fangirls can hear you! Be very, very quiet!"

**VvVvV**

=A Destroyed Forest=

There was a flash of light and Yugito, Fuu, and Naruto found themselves on the snout of a large, Hachibi-fied Bee. Around was the remains of a large forest, as well as several resurrected shinobi.

One of those resurrected shinobi was very familiar to Naruto. Another shinobi, although not resurrected, was staring out at his new adversaries. "So, you all decided to turn yourselves in? How nice. Now I can complete my goal of world domin- err, I mean my goal of saving the world by trapping them in an eternal genjutsu!"

"That got old after the first few times," Naruto called out. "And from the looks of it, you resurrected the jinchuriki and resealed the Tailed Beasts into them..."

Tobi shrugged. "Eh, I was going to create my own Six Paths of Pain, but you kind of ruined that so instead I just wanted some more firepower."

There was a burst of malicious chakra and the four enemy jinchuriki entered their Version Two states. Yugito and Fuu entered their own Version Two states while Naruto simply folded his arms. "You know you're outnumbered right?"

From his position behind the indoctrinated, resurrected jinchuriki, Tobi frowned. Not that anyone could see it, of course. "How am I outnumbered? I have five Tailed Beasts. You have four. I have me, too."

"Actually, you don't count," Naruto said. "I count as two jinchuriki because I can do this!"

There was a puff of smoke and a sleepy-looking, human Kurama appeared. She yawned, looked around blearily, and then burped. "What's going on here?" she asked, finally locking her gaze onto the resurrected jinchuriki.

"**Final fight of the series!**" the Hachibi-fied Bee rumbled.

"Oh, I see. So we're going to use _that_, are we?"

Naruto nodded. "Yep. We're going to use that, seal them away, and then beat up Obito."

Tobi startled at that.

"Oh, I bet you're surprised as to how I figured that out?" Tobi nodded. "In my own timeline, Obito was alive, so I became quite used to his chakra signature. Yours, although mutilated beyond description, still bears that familiarity. Plus, with Madara resurrected and most definitely _not_ you, the answer is clear."

Tobi removed his mask, revealing the scarred face of Obito Uchiha. "Well, I guess I don't need to wear that thing anymore. It got pretty stuffy anyway," the Uchiha said. "In any case, since we're here, do you want to hear my life story that's meant to make you sympathetic to my cause so that you can extend the hand of friendship?"

"Nope."

"Damn, I really thought I could do it better than Kabuto," Obito said, rubbing his chin. "Oh well. Jinchuriki, attack!"

The Version Two Yagura, Roshi, Han, and Utakata rushed forward, their respective tails swirling about menacingly. Or, it would've been menacing, had such a thing not become common to those who regularly hung around Naruto or to those who weren't jinchuriki.

In response, Fuu took to the skies, Yugito blurred forward, and Kurama covered herself in her own, boiling-red chakra. Naruto donned gold armor and jumped down alongside Kurama, ready to beat his former mentor into the ground.

It still felt strange to fight against Yagura, though. Last time, he had fought _with_ Yagura against Nagato. This time, it was a bit different.

Fuu began swiping and kicking at Utakata, Yugito began to breath intense fire at Han, Kurama began to punt Roshi around, and Naruto unleashed a devastating series of punches and kicks that were augmented by his strength and speed.

The Flying Thunder God technique helped too. Every time one of his friends were about to get hit, he'd flash in, distract the foe, and flash out. It was pretty amusing.

Eventually, Obito got annoyed that the battle wasn't going away and forced the jinchuriki to enter their fully-realized Tailed Beast forms. In response, Yugito and Fuu did the same.

Naruto did so as well, Kurama's Yang Chakra so integrated within his body that he didn't need the Kyuubi's influence to help control it. He transformed into a giant, golden fox with nine tails and odd, black markings. Kurama simply transformed into its original, furred state using the remaining Yin Chakra it had.

Obito gawked at the two Kyuubi's that were staring at him. "Okay, that's not even fair," he said, pouting childishly. "Tobi's been a good boy! He even ran away from old man Madara who was questionably interested in children and from a Zetsu clone that was way too interested in defecation!"

"**Way too much information,**" Kurama growled out. The non-resurrected jinchuriki nodded in agreement.

The Gobi stamped forward, roaring as it did so, and snapped its head down in an attempt to gouge one of the Kyuubi's with its horns. They simply jumped away, allowing the Nanabi's stinger-like tail to strike the dolphin-horse hybrid. It stopped and roared in anger, allowing the Hachibi to punch it away.

The Nibi-fied Yugito was attempting to incinerate the Yonbi, but was having little luck. Eventually Yugito got bored and urged the Nibi forward, slamming into the ape-like Yonbi and slashing it across its face.

For some reason, the thought of cutting off its tails flashed through Yugito's mind.

The Sanbi rolled into a ball and headed towards the golden Kyuubi. Kurama leapt in front of her container and grabbed onto ball, causing her feet to skid back due to the speed of the armored thing. Eventually, it stopped rolling and Kurama was able to chuck it into the air, where Naruto jumped up and smashed it down to where Obito was watching.

The attack missed, of course, but the amount of destruction did bring a satisfying grin to Naruto's face. The final Tailed Beast, the Rokubi, blasted out rotted gas from its mouth, but the beating wings of the Nibi sent it harmlessly away.

Naruto raised his giant, golden arm, but had it devoured by the Rokubi, who was looking for some other way to contribute to the battle. "Thank god for plot armor," Naruto dryly said. Then he swung the slug into the Yonbi, who had punched the Nibi away.

From his perch, Obito quirked an eyebrow. "You know, we just need some cameras, a large city, and some people brave enough to act as innocent bystanders and we could make a multi-million dollar movie."

"**You mean ryo?**" the Hachibi offered.

"I know what I said!" Obito snapped. He formed a ram seal, causing the Tailed Beasts under his control to jump back and begin forming a giant Tailed Beast Bomb.

"Oh, wait wait wait!" Naruto said, ending his transformation. "Let me get rid of this!"

"**How are you going to do that**?" the Nibi said, gazing down at Naruto's position.

His cloak flared and Naruto jumped forward just as the giant bomb was released. Instead of obliterating him and everything around him, it was sucked into some seal just like Madara's meteorite had been, leaving some very confused Tailed Beasts behind.

"You go boom now," Naruto declared cheekily. He unsealed the bomb, sending it careening towards his enemies before it detonated. The explosion knocked the beasts back and golden tails reached forward, grabbing the stake that bound the beasts to Obito's influence.

Obito grunted in annoyance and summoned the statue, sucking in the beasts and glaring at his enemies. "Damn you all. Do you know how hard it was to do all of that? It feels like I actually have limited chakra."

His enemies returned to normal, all of which were glaring at him. "I learned some pretty interesting things... _again_," Naruto informed. "I think I'm going to enjoy breaking this thing... _again_."

Since Obito's mask was thrown away, it might've been a good time for Madara Uchiha to jump down and assert his power, but he was sealed away too. It kind of helped when you had more S-rank ninja and one that had dominion over life and death.

So essentially, it was Obito and an incomplete statue. He couldn't do anything except run away and he doubted Naruto would let him do that. "Can I forfeit and join the Hidden Leaf under a peace treaty?" he asked. "I'm sure Kakashi would be happy to see me again, never mind the fact that I never notified him that I was alive nor inquire as to how Rin actually died."

"Oh, Rin's alive," Naruto informed, raising an eyebrow at Obito's statement. "She's just in a coma that no one's been able to get her out of. I think your idea is pretty stupid, but abandoning your plans of world domination seems like a good thing, especially since they're motivated by the death of a girl you apparently liked."

"Which is a pretty pathetic excuse, to be honest," Yugito added.

Obito paced for a few moments, seemingly ruminating about ending his plans. "...All right, I give."

"Sweet! I knew I was persuasive!" Kurama gave Naruto a dry look and vanished in a puff of smoke. Naruto's pupils entered a slitted state and he clapped his hands together, invoking the powers of the ancient Sage.

The statue exploded. Quite brilliantly, too. The restrained beasts jumped out of its burning husk and gave Naruto a nod of gratitude before heading back to their original villages. They had a role to do, as was outlined by Naruto when he was in a deeper plain of consciousness.

It was never really elaborated on to everyone else, though.

"Finally, this war is over," Fuu said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"This 'war', as you call it, took over two days..." Fuu shrugged at Yugito's response while Bee cheered at finally being able to work on his own rap.

"So, can I go see Rin's nearly-dead body?" Obito asked, walking up to them.

Naruto chuckled sheepishly. "Oh, about that... well, I lied. Good-bye!" Obito's head exploded due to the stress of losing his so-called beloved. "And that, boys and girls, is why you shouldn't think you have a true love," Naruto finally said.

"So... now what?" Yugito asked.

"Yeah, we're kind of all chummy now and since ninja were made for the express purpose of war, we all have no reason to exist anymore," Fuu remarked.

"No, ninja still have a use," Naruto informed. "It's just that that use is pretty boring."

"What is it?" Bee asked, tilting his head in curiosity.

Naruto shuddered slightly. "Protection details for creepy old nobles." Then he frowned in thought. "Although, a lot of the nobles have pretty hot daughters..." The blond grinned deviously. "Oh, I'm going to enjoy this..."

He was whacked by Yugito, Fuu, and Bee at the same time. "Hey, whatever happened to Kisame?" Fuu asked.

"Oh, I killed him," Bee said, deciding not to rap after their climactic battle that had decided to fate of the world.

"I thought he defected and went back to the Hidden Mist," Naruto commented.

"Whatever, he's not an issue anymore," Yugito said, disregarding the missing-nin's existence.

"So, you all up for some ramen?"

There was much groaning.

**VvVvV**

=Epilogue, I Guess?=

A older Naruto Uzumaki sat in the mission office, going over some papers with a lack of interest. Damn, how he wished he could've stayed at his home village, but no! He had to be Hokage...

It still brought a sour taste to his mouth. Oh well, at least he'd resurrected his clan and given each great village a new bloodline, as well as a bit of Uzumaki sealing knowledge.

There was peace and no reason for ninja to exist... well, until they decided to explore the other side of the world and inevitably wage war over there. Of course, that was if such a place even existed.

Naruto looked up at a nearby clock and sighed to himself. The other chunin on duty seemed to take notice of the time as well and stiffened in preparation. "Three... two... one..." he muttered.

The door to the mission room burst open, revealing three children, all of which had whisker-marks and forehead protectors. Each of them had some striking characteristic due to their heritage.

"Hey, dad! Give us a C-rank already! I want to kill some more bandits!"

"You picked the mission last time! It's my turn now!"

"I hate you two. Can't we just go assassinate some nobleman? Even you wish you could do that every now and then, dad..."

Naruto glanced at their sensei, a rather annoyed-looking Kiba Inuzuka. "Can you tell them to be quiet, Lord Hokage? Please? You're the only one, aside from their mothers, that can control them," he begged.

The blond Hokage nodded sagely. "True, true... Unfortunately, I think it's hilarious, so I'm not going to say anything." His children cheered. "Although, their mothers might not be so happy with me..." His children paled.

"N-No, don't tell mom..."

"My mom's going to kill me if you do...!"

"I actually don't think my mom will care, really," the final one, a kunoichi, said.

Naruto grinned at his daughter. "That's because your mom is too free-spirited to give a damn about anything. Although, I do wish she'd come and visit more often..." A lecherous grin crossed Naruto's face.

"Eww! Dad!"

Kiba growled in annoyance. "Come on, Lord Hokage. Give us a damn scroll so we can get out of here. Seriously, how the hell did you stand them when they were younger?"

"Where do you think they got their energy from?"

"Jinchuriki," Kiba deadpanned.

"We're not jinchuriki!" the first brat, one with red hair and pink eyes, said. "Come on, be realistic Kiba-sensei!"

"Come on, uncle, you know we're just bubbly because of our heritage!"

"Can I use Storm Release on this mission?"

"I fucking hate you," Kiba muttered to Naruto, who shook his head in amusement.

"I know." Naruto handed them a mission scroll that told them where to remove some bandits hanging around in the Land of Fire. "If you all do well, I'll take you drinking tonight."

"Really?"

"Oh man, you better not be lying dad."

"Kouchuu always says it's awesome!"

Kiba's jaw dropped. "Are you kidding me? You're going to take my nephew drinking?"

"Uzumaki don't get drunk," was Naruto's simple response.

Kiba groaned and left with his genin in tow. Naruto chuckled as they left.

Peaceful life may have been incredibly boring, but at least his children were more than enough to provide entertainment for him.

* * *

**Done. There was going to be an additional chapter but instead I cut stuff out and dumped it all into one chapter. Who needs flashbacks anyway? Not characters who already had a somewhat-defined backstory, of course.**

**The first child is Kurotsuchi's, the second is Hana's, and the third is Karui's. Can you guess who the mother of the other child is? I'm too lazy to give them all names because making a clearly defined original character is useless at this point.**

**Is there anything I missed? Any contradictions/errors/concerns? Any requests that you have? R/R and enjoy!**

_**One more thing: If anyone wants to take on the challenge of writing this Naruto's homeworld, let me know. There's enough information and leeway to make a story, if you want to take a crack it at. Someone asked me to write it before and I declined, but I'll leave this up here just in case anyone wants to give it a try.**_

**EDIT 4/15/13: Shortened a lot of the notes and fixed very few errors.  
**


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